♥(F)

            I bought a ticket and spent fourteen hours on a train because a plane ticket was too costly. I kept staring at your smile looking for any signs of sadness in your eyes. And maybe I couldn’t see it because I didn’t really understand what I was looking for anyways. But I still searched because I couldn’t just rest.

            I remember you sneaking into my bedroom on Valentine’s Day because I was sick and was in no way well enough to open the door. I still think it was just to show off your climbing skills. I never complained.

            I wonder if you still live there. I wonder if I’ll see you, if I’ll get to hold you again. Will you recognize me? Do I still own your heart? Am I still on your mind? I wonder if the city’s the same. Is Nick still in charge of the candy store on the corner or your neighborhood? Is some other person’s crazy uncle?

            I can still hear your words echoing in my head, all that I am, is what I find in others. It’s easy to love myself when I love you. A tear swam its way to the image glued to the screen of my tiny device. Do you still love yourself?

♥(M)

            I was walking on the stone pathway thinking to myself how crazy it is that something or someone could be on someone’s mind for every second for years at a time. But I guess that’s why they call it being crazy for someone.

            I still remember her face when she left, when she told me that there were bigger things out there. Her mascara was running, her nose was red and running, and yet I could only call her beautiful. I guess it was because I didn’t see her for the person she looked like, but for the person she truly was deep down. And nothing could do to change that.

            The wind kept hitting my face, burning, giving me a headache. I didn’t really notice. I stared at the trinket in my hand. I had only seen it once before, only from an image on a phone. Now that it was in my palm, the cool wet metallic charms clinking together with every step; it all was too real for me.

            On it was a small electric guitar, an owl, a small clock, a lady bug, and a small book. I tried opening the metallic book, and after hitting the rusted shut charm against a stone railing with my palm, it did exactly that.

            I gasped, inside was a still intact, and slightly washed up, black and white image of her while in elementary school. The first day I saw to be exact. I choked down tears, wondering if she’ll ever get it back. And if I wanted to give it to her.

♥(M)

            It was September 1999. I was in grade four and damn well proud of it. No one else had a jacket like I had- all black, custom made jean jacket with black buttons. All thoughts of confidence I had disappeared like powdered sugar in water when I took a step out of the car. I looked to my mother, eyes screaming, mouthing, I can’t do it.

            Like all mothers, she gives me an encouraging smile and pushes me along to the other children. I glared at her. I gripped my backpack tighter to me, not liking the way the grade fivers were looking at me. It’s my jacket.

            Then I saw her. Her hair was golden like dark copper and yet in no way red. In fact it looked kind of brown. When she turned around I lost my breath. She had big innocent eyes, a heartbreaking smile and an unforgettable smile. I didn’t know all of that then. But it wasn’t long before I did.

            Hi.

♥(F)

            I walked on the wet wooden walkway; I was the only one out here. It had rained earlier. I looked at the beach just under me that I used to walk on, looking for my long lost necklace. But it wasn’t my necklace I was longing for.

            I clutched the dark brown trench coat closer to my shivering corpse. That’s exactly what I felt like: dead inside. I remembered the conversation I had this morning. You’re just a rebound that didn’t work! I didn’t have the heart to tell him, he was the same.

            It gave me a new kind of confidence, the kind that gave me the will to see this place again. To try my hardest to bump into a soul that might not even reside here anymore. No matter how stupid it sounded. It gave me freedom, because for the past few years without him, and with some guy, I found I wasn’t okay.

            I wasn’t fine at all.

♥(M)

            The stone was staring to break, after so many years of wear and tear. I looked upon the dying community, maybe it was vibrant and I just couldn’t see it. But it would forever be dead to me without her. The small shops littered along the beach were closed during the winter because of the nonexistent snow.

            I have a bigger future out there, she said. I thought I was your future, like we had promised so long ago, I whispered. There’s a reason it’s called first love, do you really think we would last? I didn’t say a word, but my answer would’ve been yes. How am I supposed to forget and move on with my life after everything we’ve been through?

            And to think, you’re out there, with some guy, moved on. How could I be the only one with this hole in my heart? How can you say good bye so easily? It’s not fair! I’d give up a thousand days, just to see you again. Just for you to smile- for me. Because there’s no way the sound of your heartbeat under my head could disappear so easily from my memories. Do you even think about me anymore?

            I kicked a stone and it tumbled off the edge and into a small puddle. All my emotions along with it, sunk.

‘I remember the day you told me you were leaving

I remember the make-up running down your face

And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them

Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia

And forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you

And the memories I never can escape’™

♥(F)

            Fate has a sense of humor. It also, apparently, had a heart.

♥(M)

            I just continued walking, staring at the necklace that held so much value to me: wondering if the people who made it, who knows however long ago, knew they would be creating the most important material object in the world.

            That was when I bumped shoulders with someone. I’m Sorry! The words were lodged in my throat, fighting to get out. They soon silenced upon seeing her in front of me. In the loudest silence I’ve ever heard, many things were said.

            That was the moment when we began again.