It's a busy night at the movies. A middle-aged man working behind the ticket counter spots a group in their late teens enter the lobby. He raises a brow at their black suits and sunglasses, wondering sarcastically, 'Oh, boy. Look at those fancy zoomers. Wonder what they're here to see tonight.'

The youngest among the weird bunch, a teenage girl with short copper-red hair, strolls up to the ticket seller, leaning against the countertop as she asks in a cool and sophisticated manner, "Four tickets to Minions: The Rise of Gru, please."

"Oookay..." The ticket seller taps the touchscreen to input their purchase.

"Ya know, I could've ordered the tickets online," New Mexico utters to her while paying with his credit card.

"Yeah, but I wanna look cool doing the meme," Arizona giggles, giving a thumbs-up to Colorado for recording the walk-in and interaction to share on TikTok.

'Do I get a soda or not get a soda? That is a question that has plagued Mormon youths for decades...' Utah stares at the freestyle soda machines next to the concession counter of snacks. 'I do love the taste of cherry cola, but is a medium cup worth five dollars in this economy? Not to mention the calories...'

"Go ahead, dude." Colorado nudges the Latter-day saint to go up to the counter. "Get whatever you want. New Mexico is paying for it."

"Don't say that," New Mexico whines. "I appreciate y'all not taking advantage of my wallet. The tickets I bought cost me around fifty bucks."

"Fine. We'll settle on buying drinks only," says Arizona.

"You don't want snacks?" Colorado asks.

She smirks, "I already have snacks." She sneakily opens up her suit jacket, revealing a few bananas in her hidden pockets.

"I don't think the employees will tolerate you bringing food from outside the theater," Utah whispers.

"No shit," Arizona huffs, closing her jacket. "I don't want these bananas going to waste, so let's not make a huge deal about this."

New Mexico sighs, "As long as you're not acting like a monkey during the movie, I'm okay with not buying twenty bucks worth of snacks."

☆☆☆☆☆

After spending hours at his computer participating in r/place, Rhode Island realizes in horror he was becoming a Redditor and needed to prove himself otherwise by experiencing society outside the walls of his small house.

"Hey, dickheads. I need to know what's good in theaters. I'm up for anything except a stupid, sappy, borderline-toxic rom-com," Little Rhody asks for movie suggestions from fellow states via Discord.

"Does it have to be in theaters?" Connecticut asks. "You can save time streaming a movie at home instead."

"Yeah, but I'll get distracted by my phone. I need an excuse to not touch my phone or be near a computer for three hours. I don't want Reddit to consume me, you know."

"I totally get you, dude." New Jersey nods as he's searching up movies available in theaters on a new tab. "Let's see... How about The Batman? Have you seen it yet? It's super long, but it's enjoyable all things considered."

"No, but I'm not too interested in watching it at the moment," Rhode Island grumbles. "I don't trust Warner Bros. to make a Batman universe without fucking it up somehow. Plus, I can't take the new Batman seriously without being reminded of vampire sparkles." He shudders from imagining the screams of thirsty teenage fangirls.

"How about the Sonic sequel?" Washington suggests.

"That doesn't come out until next weekend," says New Jersey.

"Same for this film called Everything Everywhere All at Once," New York adds. "I highly recommend it, though it's only available at my house and California's at the moment."

"I rather not waste gas in this fucked-up economy," Rhode Island grumbles. "Seriously, is there not anything good, or are movie theaters dead?"

"Ooh! I know!" California exclaims in playful excitement. "You should totally check out Morbius. It just came out like today."

"Is it any good?"

She giggles, "Dude, oh my gosh, I swear it's the most movie of the year."

"Most of what? Did the author forget a word?"

"Sorry, I can't tell you without spoiling the movie." She makes a mischievous grin. "But I can tell you it has a plot with themes, characters, dynamics, drama, lore, and emotional moments. After taking it all in, you'll be leaving the theater wanting morb."

"Huh?" He cocks his head in confusion. "Dumb pun aside, I can't fucking tell what you're saying about Morbius is good or not."

"I'm speaking facts, little dude. Morbius surpasses every movie I've seen in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, including Winter Soldier, Ragnarok, Endgame, and No Way Home."

"Yeah, right. Get the fuck out of here."

"No, you get the fuck out of here. Get off your ass, buy a ticket to Morbius, and see it for yourself. You'll then get why Morbius made 100 morbillion dollars at the box office this weekend."

Rhode Island groans, "Alright, but I'm already getting sick of superhero movies."

"No worries," California beams. "Morbius isn't like any superhero movie you've ever seen. I swear you'll have an awesome time watching it."

"Totally," Washington snickers, knowing how it's going to go.

~ The Next Day... ~

"Cali, you fucking lying skank," Rhode Island complains right off the bat upon joining the group call, creating an uproar of laughter amongst everyone.

"April Fools," California giggles innocently.

"Awesome. Way to go. You fucking got me to waste two hours and thirteen bucks on a fucking joke. Whoop-de-doo." He rolls his eyes.

"Was it a children's ticket by the way?"

"Fuck you! I hope you break your back during an earthquake!"

New Jersey laughs, "Calm down, little dude. It's not like she tricked you into driving off a dock."

"It doesn't matter. I still feel like a fucking idiot for trusting her in the first place," Rhode Island grumbles with his arms crossed. "Frankly, I had my doubts. I thought it would be nothing more than a run-of-the-mill Marvel movie. But holy shit." He shakes his head in frustration. "If there's one thing I hate more than a shitty superhero movie, it's a shitty superhero movie with vampires, one of whom I realized was the same asshole who played the worst Joker of all time."

"I mean, it was made by Sony, so you should've expected it to be shit," Washington mumbles.

"Is it actually that bad?" Connecticut wonders.

"Yes, it's so bad it's bad," Rhode Island groans. "There were times I wanted to laugh at how comically bad it was, but the movie overall just sucked out the color of my eyes and left me soulless in my seat. Had I known that would happen, I would've bought a ticket to The Batman—a possibly better movie featuring an antihero associated with bats. Hell, I would've been better off staying home, getting a lot more enjoyment from making penises out of pixels on my computer."

"I don't know about that," Wisconsin muses. "You should watch the movie one morb time and see if you can find anything redeeming about it."

"Totally," California agrees. "Maybe you'll like it morb on the second watch."

"I am pondering my morb, and I can confirm you'll get morbed at the movies," Washington chuckles.

"Ugh! Enough with the Morbius jokes!"

~ It's Morbin' Time! ~

Hey, hey, papa, want some coffee?
Hey, hey, mama, hey, hey, mama!
I cannot forget the taste of that
Green chile stew I ate long ago!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
I'm New Mexico!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I'm the Land of Enchantment!

Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A wonderful world can be seen!
The aliens call this place home!
New Mexico!

☆☆☆☆☆

+ #GentleMinions was a TikTok trend that took off almost immediately after the film release of Minions: The Rise of Gru. It involved groups of young men, usually between the ages of 13 and 17, dressed in suits like the character Gru attending theaters to show their sarcastic appreciation for the film. They would typically film themselves cheering, throwing bananas at the screen, and performing Gru's trademark steepled fingers gesture. Such commotions had caused several theaters to ban groups of young men in formal attire from attending the film due to their disruption during screenings. For the most part, however, the dapper teenagers were civil in their viewings.

+ Morbius is a 2022 American superhero film based on the Marvel Comics character of the same name, produced by Columbia Pictures and distributed by Sony Pictures as the third film in their Spider-Man Universe. It's widely considered by many people as the most financially and critically successful film of all time despite its underperformance at the box office and negative reviews over its bad writing, visual effects, and post-credits scenes. So much so that "fans" of the film create memes and shitposts about it, ironically praising it for making a "morbillion" dollars and receiving an improbable approval of 203% on Rotten Tomatoes. The most famous meme involves the fake catchphrase, "It's Morbin' time", which is a play on the Power Rangers catchphrase, "It's Morphin' time".

- "Praise" surrounding the film led Sony to re-release it in the summer of the same year. To everyone's pleasant surprise, the film bombed again at the box office, making just $280,000 over a weekend. At the time of writing this in September 2022, there had yet to be an announcement for a Morbius sequel, leaving the character's future in question.

~

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