© Copyright 2011
All work is property of Leah Crichton, any duplication or reproduction of all or part of the work without explicit permission by the author is illegal.

Condemnation: (kon-dem-hay-shun)

an expression of strong disapproval

pronouncing as wrong or morally culpable

By the time I heard the front door open my stress hadn’t lessened one iota, and paranoia seemed to flow through my veins like blood. “It’s Luke and your mom,” Orion said.

Naturally, he was right. Heavy footsteps pounded up the stairs at mach speed. Luke flung the door open.

“I.Q.” He rushed over to me, giving Orion a nasty scowl.

I buried my face in his shoulder. “Luke, what am I going to do?”

His voice cracked. “Shh, I.Q., it’s okay, it’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.”  

“Please, just tell me what I should do!”

Luke pulled away from me and stalked toward Orion, pointing his finger. “This is your fault.”

Orion nodded in agreement. “Yes, it is.” His voice was cold now, void of the emotion he gave to me.

My brother didn’t care that he didn’t have a hope to do anything at all in my defense. The fact that he had failed to protect me assaulted his sense of responsibility, and for whatever reason he was determined to compensate now. “What are you going to do about this?” he demanded.

“Your sister needs to be the one to make that choice, not me.”

“Right,” Luke spat. “Not you. It’s not your choice, but you put her in this position because of your actions, your choice. Death is supposed to be compassionate. What does that make you?”

“Don’t tell me what I should be. You know nothing about it.”

“I know enough. How could you do this to her?”

“I didn’t mean for it to get complicated.” The detached nature of Orion’s voice faltered. “It shouldn’t have been this way.”

“Well, it is complicated and now you have to fix it.” 

“I can’t fix it.” 

“Why not? You can do everything else. Fix it!”

“How? What exactly do you want me to do?”

“Fix it!” Luke screamed as he leaned over and picked up one of the lamps from the side table. Lifting it over his head, he pitched it in Orion’s direction.

Orion’s hand shot up just as quickly, stopping the lamp in midair. It hung there for a moment before falling to the ground and shattering into hundreds of miniscule, powdery pieces. I looked at the floor, thinking my life was like that lamp. It too had been momentarily suspended in time and fell, smashing into hundreds of unrecognizable little pieces.

I stepped in front of Luke. “Stop.”

He looked right through me, still focused on Orion. “You can’t just watch her go through this and do nothing.”

“I’m not just watching,” Orion replied.

“You are! Why couldn’t you just stay away from her? You should have stayed away! You should be condemned.”

“I am condemned in ways you cannot imagine,” Orion said. “I couldn’t stay away from her, Luke. I’m sorry. You wouldn’t understand.”

Tears filled Luke’s eyes. “You’re right, I’ll never understand. You could’ve stayed away, but you didn’t.”

“No, Luke.” Orion looked like the guilt was eating at him from the inside out. “I couldn’t. I cannot control fate. I altered it, I bent it, but I cannot control it completely. It only would have been a matter of time because she was destined to meet me.”

Orion’s words from that first night in my room rushed back to me. It was like God put you on this Earth himself, just for me.   

“You took fate into your own hands, and look what you’ve done!”

“She was destined to meet me,” Orion repeated. “They all are, but she was different. I didn’t want to take her life… I couldn’t.”

Luke's voice dripped with contempt. “So you sent the devil to her doorstep instead?”

“I’ll keep her safe until she decides.”

“You just finished saying she’s your destiny if she chooses to live, but it’s her fate to meet you anyway, so what then?”

“All of us are born, Luke; then you live, and then death comes for you. It happens to everyone. Time is the only variable, the only thing that can change. Many times in your life you are given an exit from this world to the next one. A single decision can alter everything.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

His voice grew softer. “I mean, Tiger, that everyone can escape death at different points in time. Like if you’re driving home one day and suddenly, for no reason at all, you decide to take a different route; so you do and learn that there was a terrible accident on the same road you would’ve driven on. Or if you want to go to the store and can’t find your car keys, so you don’t go and learn that someone in the store was robbed and killed. Don’t you ever think ‘That could’ve been me?’ That’s what I mean. Every life has a predetermined number of exit points in it. The time to go can always change.” He turned back to Luke. “So, I can’t answer your question, not really. If staying is what she decides, I’ll come for her when it’s time.”

Luke, who was calmer now, turned to face me. “Decide now, Ireland. Stay with Dad. Mom and I can wait. Stay with Dad.”

As soon as he mentioned my dad, I was struck with the horrendous weight of my decision. “Luke, it’s not that simple.  I saw the future. Dad does nothing but take care of me. It’s like he isn’t even himself anymore.  I felt him, too. It was horrible.”

He looked confused.

“I felt what he did. It was…” I searched in my head for the right word. “Empty. He just punishes himself for what happened.” The familiar sting of salty tears formed in my eyes. “If I come with you, maybe he can have a life.”

Compassion flashed in Luke’s eyes for a moment as he wrapped his arms around me. A stifled yelp came from the door of the room. My mom stood there with her hand over her mouth. She’d been listening to everything. The decision to leave me and go comfort his mother, our mother, tore Luke up inside until he released his grip on me and went to her. “Mom, it’s okay.”

Orion stepped forward to stand beside me.

“Mom, it will be okay. I know it will be.” I tried to sound reassuring but I couldn’t convince myself, so I doubted I could sway her.

She was far quieter at crying than I was. Given that Orion had spent many of the last several hours listening to me bawl, my mother’s silent suffering was probably more awkward for him than anyone else.      

I walked over to my family and threw my arms around my mom, hoping my small gesture might offer her some sort of comfort. “Oh, Mom! You guys knew, why didn’t you tell me?”

Orion didn’t even give her the chance to respond before he interjected. “They couldn’t. They couldn’t have told you, no matter how much they wanted to. It breaks the rules.”

“What rules?”

“It doesn’t matter which rules,” Orion said. “You just need to know they would not have been able to tell you. It would be impossible for them to even form the words, let alone to speak them.”

His statement sent my mom over the edge, her shoulders shaking violently.  “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.”

I wanted to take her pain away and make it mine. “It’s okay, Mom. Don’t be sorry. Please don’t be sorry. You couldn’t have changed anything.” How could she have possibly made amendments to fate? Ironic that was exactly the choice I was faced with now.

“I was the one who said we should move here. If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened.”

“Mom,” Luke said. “You can’t blame yourself. You can’t blame anyone except him.” He pointed at Orion.

Anger bubbled up inside me. I loved my brother, but I wouldn’t let him verbally assault the most fundamentally important person in my world at this point. “Stop it, Luke! Stop! You didn’t see what I saw, you didn’t feel what I felt, so stop! Orion is the only good thing that has happened to me in any of this. I love him.” I’d never said it to anyone but Orion before. Orion’s body eased slightly at my declaration.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Then you’ve made your choice? You’re going to let Dad pay for his mistakes?”

It was astounding how fast my mom put her own misery aside. She held up her hands. “Luke, enough. Your sister has been through the wringer, don’t you think? That’s enough.”

Luke wasn’t going to give up without a fight. “Do you even care about him? About Dad?”

My mom’s hand flew across his face with lightning speed. Luke's head snapped sideways. “Don’t you dare say that to me, don’t you ever say that to me again. Do you understand me?” Luke, realizing he had gone too far, nodded meekly. My mom continued, “I love your father more than anything at all. Ireland is right. If she comes with us, eventually he can have a life. He might be able to be happy again. And your sister,” she pulled me to her. “Luke, you love your sister so much, how could you even suggest she choose to stay behind and have no quality to her life?” 

In that moment, any questions I had ever had about my mother’s character evaporated. Luke looked dumbstruck, and I stood frozen. Everyone became eerily quiet.

Orion crossed the room and pulled me away from my mom and Luke. His eyes fixed on my family and his voice took on a tone of distinct authority. “Listen to me, both of you. It is something she needs to decide without being manipulated by either one of you and how you feel about it. It’s not being fair to her. Do not force your thoughts on her. You cannot expect someone to make such a colossal decision with both of you breathing down her neck.”

“A colossal decision which is entirely your fault! I hope you loathe yourself for it.”

“Luke!” My mom yelled. “Enough!”

“Whatever!” Luke kicked over my bedside table on his way out of the room.

Orion stepped in to save me again. My insides were breaking like the lamp, like my brother’s heart. They felt like they would never be whole ever again. The weight of the world was heavy, and my shoulders were getting very sore.