© Copyright 2011
All work is property of Leah Crichton, any duplication or reproduction of all or part of the work without explicit permission by the author is illegal.

Equanimity: (ee-kwuh-nim-i-tee)

mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain

Calmness, equilibrium

I poured myself a hot bath and sank into the water. I tried, desperately and without one iota of success, not to think of him, but the way thoughts of him crowded my mind, I wondered if I’d taken Chloe’s obsession to a new level. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t this girl. Before the accident I’d been a reclusive caterpillar secure within myself, and now I felt like some butterfly emerging from its cocoon all on account of Orion’s coaxing. Impressive, yet terrifying.

I brushed my teeth, combed my hair into a ponytail, labored through the task of putting on pajamas, and crawled into my lush bed, allowing my thoughts to drift to Orion’s miraculous treatment of my foot. The questions whorled like a frenzied tornado. It was easy to blame the accident for producing hallucinations and I knew I couldn't trust my shattered mind just yet; a horrible revelation in itself, but I saw him. I saw him take my foot and make it better. Trying to justify something so unreasonable with reason was draining. I wanted nothing more than to silence my thoughts, so I closed my eyes, willing sleep to keep the things that haunted me away—but somehow they knew where to find me.   

***

We are back in the car again.  The mountains tower over us, looming, casting dark ominous shadows over the already grey sky. The rain is torrential.

Snickers sits between Luke and me, panting with an absent look on his face, wondering why tension hangs in the air.  My mom is wide-eyed while my dad is squinting through the windshield wipers as they work on overdrive, providing nothing more than a temporary reprise.

I blink, and when I open my eyes the truck is careening, hydroplaning toward us. I open my mouth to scream but it’s locked inside my throat. I look over at Luke and see the terrible expression of someone who is sure he is about to take his last breath.

The truck slams into the side of our car and rips my body from its safety, the seatbelt tearing with the force.  I’m ejected; my body flies across the car through the jagged edges of the shattered glass. Everything is so loud. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. The only thing that runs through my mind is Please, God, not like this.

Am I in rainwater or a pool of my own blood?  I open my mouth to scream, but only a groan escapes.  I try to turn my head, but I can’t.  Every bone in my body feels like it’s made of lead. I want my mom.

I can hear footsteps sloshing through the rain on the road. Someone is coming for me.

“H-h-help me. P-p-lease.” My bottom lip is trembling.

“Shhh,” a voice says. “Everything is going to be okay.”

The shadow moves closer, and when he bends down, I recognize him. It’s Orion.

“Orion.” the words that come out are hardly audible.

“Shhh, don’t talk.”

I don’t talk.  I scream.

***

I woke up that way, screaming. Luke’s room neighbored mine and my shrieking startled him. Pretty sure I was loud enough to wake the dead. 

“I.Q.!” He shook me violently. “I.Q., wake up!”

My sheets were twisted tightly around my body, and even in my sleep, I had somehow started to cry. When Luke's arms slipped around me and he uttered words of comfort, I still couldn't stop trembling.

I didn’t fall back asleep that night.

The next morning, my mind was clouded with sleep deprivation and it took longer than usual to process anything. As I made it to the kitchen, my mom offered the worst suggestion ever.  “Maybe you ought to stay home today, honey.”

The idea of staying home all day to be plagued by recurring visions of my dream was out of the question. At least if I went to school, I’d get to see him again. Hopefully. “It’s fine, Mom, I’ll be fine.”

“Well if you need to come home, I’m only a phone call away.” She kissed the top of my head. Okay, so maybe she wasn't despicable at all. She was a good mom, always looking out for me.

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll keep that in mind.”

When I first left the hospital, being a passenger in a car provoked a near panic attack. Strange, because now I’d practically car-jack one just to ease my impatience with waiting to see Orion again. As Luke drove away, the house disappeared behind us, and so did the remaining fragments of my dream.

I didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know the way Orion crowded my thoughts was detrimental. I didn’t even have to be particularly smart, but for reasons I couldn’t understand I simply didn’t care.  It was unhealthy and absurdly liberating. I’d lived in the shell of someone else for sixteen years and I didn’t want to anymore. I’d fall into like, maybe even love, with reckless abandon with whoever I wanted to, even a tall, dark and dangerous looking boy who was standing at the edge of the parking lot, waiting.

Luke scowled and muttered, “I don’t like that guy.”

“You don’t even know him.”

Luke came around the door and was about to put my bag on my shoulders when Orion approached and took it from him. Luke was visibly annoyed and, without saying goodbye, he got in his car, slammed the door and peeled his tires in a show of male bravado as he drove away.

I turned to Orion and smiled.  “Hi.”

“Mornin’ Tiger.”

I laughed.

“Not a guess,” he continued.  “A nickname until I can unearth the truth, but your brother just called you I.Q.—my first real clue. Ida?”

I shook my head.

He slung my bag over his shoulder. “Is he alright? Your brother seems a little choked.”

“He’s fine. Just grumpy, I guess. I don’t think he slept well last night.” I knew this was true. Luke was worried and I could see the light in his room last night after my episode.

My morning consisted of the same routine since I’d started here. Find Orion, ogle Orion, go to class, piss Chloe off by ogling Orion, simmer in sweet satisfaction at my dumb luck. When we arrived at the usual table for lunch, Mona was discussing an assignment that was due while Alicia and Alex were talking about their upcoming birthday party.

I munched on carrot sticks and tried to ignore Chloe’s venomous eyes, which were colder than normal. She whispered something to Tyler before grabbing her water, tossing her half eaten lunch on the tray, and stalking over to us. Tyler followed behind like a lost little dog.

“Orion,” she said. 

He gave a cool nod. “What’s up?”

Her lips were drawn in a smug, straight line. “I just thought you might want to know your new little gal pal is a liar. Quinn is it?”

Orion held back a chuckle. “Chloe, what’s your problem now?”

“Well for starters, her name.”

For the love of God. How could she possibly know?

“She goes by her middle name, genius,” Mona stated. “Everybody knows that. Except you, I guess.”

“I’d go by my middle name too if my first was as dumb as hers.”

Orion didn’t take the bait.

My face burned with humiliation. Chloe noticed, and hers beamed with satisfaction. “What is her name?” Tyler asked. Like he didn’t already know.

Chloe’s hands were placed firmly on her hips. “Oh, Tyler! I’m so glad you asked. Her name is Ireland, like the wretched country.  Have you ever heard something so stupid?” She glanced at Tyler, who stood motionless and silent, listening.

“Yeah, actually I have,” it was Alex’s turn to interject. “Chlo-ee.” Orion laughed and high fived Alex. Maybe this revelation didn’t bother them, or maybe they were putting on a show to irritate Chloe even more. They seemed to be enjoying themselves.

“You are idiots. All of you.” Chloe turned to me. “As for you, you little imposter, you’d better watch yourself around here. I already warned you; I won’t warn you again. I doubt your ugly red hair is even real.” she grabbed a handful of my hair in her fist and yanked, pulling it down so I was forced to look at her.

Tyler, who hadn’t moved until now, took this as his cue. He threw the lid of his water on the ground and poured it on my face. My mouth hung open as water streamed down my cheek. I was momentarily glad it was so cold against my inflamed skin.

Had Tyler possessed a lick of common sense, I’m sure he would have thought twice about his hasty decision. Orion surged forward, palm flat on the table for leverage to haul his legs across. He hurdled it without any problem and wrapped his hand around the base of Tyler’s neck. Just as easily as he hoisted his own weight across the table, he picked Tyler’s body up clear off the ground. Tyler froze in Orion’s grasp, his feet dangling and his breath struggling to catch.

My own hand flew over my mouth to muffle a squeal.

“If you ever come near her again, if you look at her or even think about her again, I’ll make you wish you were dead.” He threw Tyler, who now clutched his throat, backward. Tyler stumbled, falling onto the grass behind him.

My stomach lurched as I searched around for someone, anyone who could help, but they all stood in quiet shock and watched. He wasn’t done yet. He marched over to where Tyler lay in a crumpled ball and grabbed him by his hair, dragging him so he rested in front of me.  “Apologize.”

Tyler looked up at me. “I-I-I’m sorry!” He yelled. “I’m sorry!”

“He’s sorry!” I said to Orion. “He said he was sorry, let him go!”

Orion was satisfied enough to let go but turned to point an accusing finger at Chloe. “As for you, you had better be the one to watch yourself around here, understood?”

She didn’t say a word. None of us expected such a violent reaction from Orion. My body shook like it’d been wrapped in the icy arms of hypothermia and my blood was running cold.

Alicia broke the silence. “Are you okay, Quinn? I mean Ireland, er, whatever your name is?”

I didn’t know if I was more startled by Orion or embarrassed by being made to look like a fool in front of everyone. I stood quickly, fingers looping through the strap on my rucksack and moved as fast as I could across the courtyard, but I was no match for Orion’s monstrous stride.

He caught up with me in record time, blocking my escape. “Wait.”

Tears collected on my lashes, threatening to escape. I wanted to shrink, to disappear. I was humiliated and scared to death. My stomach flipped violently. “Please just let me go.”

“Let me explain,” he said, but I held up my hand to stop him.

“Please don’t. Look, I don't know if your Hulk-smash routine works on other girls, but it doesn’t work on me. Move.” 

“I shouldn’t have done that to them.” His voice softened. “Look at me. Please.”

I didn’t look, I glared, even though I was terrified following his show of brute strength. His hand found my chin and my eyes burned with unwanted tears as the contact he made with my skin filled it with goose bumps. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t really care what your name is. It’s trivial, an insignificant detail. So c’mon, don’t waste energy on someone like her, okay? Come and sit back down. We can start over.” He held his hand out to shake mine, but his confidence was faltering.

I reluctantly took his hand. “Ireland,” I muttered.

He grinned at the progress he’d made. “Ireland is a great name, but you’re right, I never would have guessed it.” 

We returned to the table where the three others ate in silence. Alex spoke first, mentioning nothing of Orion’s chilling outburst. “So I gotta ask, is she telling the truth? Is your name really Ireland?”

“Who cares?” Alicia’s expression was scolding.

“I was just asking,” Alex shrugged.

“It’s okay.” I pulled myself together, even if it was only temporary. “It is Ireland, but I hate it, so Quinn seemed like a better choice.”

Orion, who was watching me, flashed his incredible smile. It seemed, at the moment, all too easy to forget the display of his temper we had all just been privy to. “Ahh. I.Q.” He spoke his thoughts aloud. “Cute.”

“Huh?” Alex said.

“Never mind,” we both said at the same time.

 Mona hadn’t said a word, but she placed her hand reassuringly on my shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I think the name Ireland is beautiful. Don’t be ashamed of such a pretty name. Besides, I’ll make sure Chloe gets hers.”

Alex held her glance for an unnatural amount of time. “Watch yourself, Mona,” he said. “You don’t want to cause any trouble around here. Besides, wouldn’t you say Orion already let her have it?”

“You’re such a killjoy. I’m not going to do anything, Alex, just planning a little fun is all.”

Orion huffed before nudging my shoulder and offering his hand. “C’mon Tiger, let’s go.”

Did I really want to go anywhere with him? No, but I was curious enough. “What are they talking about?”

“It’s nothing.”

The reassurance Orion tried to give me was pointless. My system could not deal with shock very well and his outburst at lunch was more than I could handle. I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling like I was going to faint, or vomit, or both.

Orion tried to ease the tension but my physical reaction to the stress was unrelenting. Halfway through the afternoon, his concern was getting the best of him. “I’m sorry. They just made me so mad.”

“Um, yeah, I noticed.”

“I’m sorry,” he said for the umpteenth time.

“Yeah, I got that, too.” I wanted to be flattered by his chivalry, but the manner in which he had defended me was certifiable.

“Let me make it up to you.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll do anything.” 

Why did he care so much? He barely knew me, but he was so adamant about righting his wrong, this back and forth game could go on forever. “Listen,” I said, “really, it’s fine. My body isn’t good with the whole shock and awe thing, you know? I’m not trying to be cold to you, I just don’t feel well. Not your fault.” Lie. It was all his fault. 

“Yes it is, and I’m going to make it up to you. We can do something fun. No sand. No rocks.”

By some miracle I lasted through school, but by nightfall I was still obsessing about the event. Regular people did not possess the strength to put someone else in a chokehold and practically strangle them without so much as breaking a sweat. Regular people didn’t make deep wounds on feet disappear by touching them. Maybe he wasn’t regular.

Maybe he wasn’t real.

Was this the difficulty in distinguishing reality from dreams I had been warned about? What if being stuck in the hospital, then in the house, made me go insane?  It was possible, wasn’t it? I debated asking Luke, but if I wasn’t going insane and I asked him such a question, would he think I was? Too many what ifs…

Luke was situated in front of the TV rather than reading. He looked up when I entered. “How was school?” The small talk was his way of apologizing for his irritation this morning.

“Oh, you know, the usual. At lunch, I got called out by the prom queen in front of everyone about my name,” I said. I left out the part that the boy who had been taken with me tossed the offender like a rag doll.        

He looked appropriately appalled. “What did you do?”

“Nothing. What could I do?”

“Denial, Cleopatra. Denial is always the way to go.”