#ABNQ06 Chapter 06

Pagpasok ko pa lang sa classroom, masama na agad ang tingin sa akin ni Matt at Simon. Pagkatapos ko kasing makausap si Psalm, nagpasundo na agad ako sa driver. I just felt so spent after everything that happened. And I also wanted to fix myself first before I tell them everything... it just so happened that I needed the entire weekend to fix myself.

Psalm was waving at me when I entered the room. I waved back, but motioned that I'd sit with Matt and Simon first. Syempre kailangan kong mag-explain. Pinatay ko rin kasi iyong phone ko buong weekend, and told yaya na sabihin na wala ako sa bahay kapag may naghanap sa akin.

Yup. I was good at hiding from people.

"Sorry," was my first word. Tinignan ko nang mabuti iyong mukha ni Matt at Simon, at mukha namang maayos sila dahil wala namang pasa o kung anuman... It seemed like Steele didn't even throw a single punch.

"Okay ka na ba?" Matt asked.

I nodded. "Kinda." I smiled. "Thanks for last time."

"Sorry for being insensitive," Simon said. "Di namin napansin na—"

I dismissed his apology by waving my hand. "Okay lang, grabe kayo. Okay na ako, promise." But their face told me that they didn't believe my words. "Ilang buwan na rin naman kaya medyo okay na talaga ako," I said in my most convincing tone, but they still looked unbelieving.

I sighed. "Galit ba kayo sa 'kin?"

"Just pissed," Simon said.

"But mad at Steele," Matt continued, to which Simon nodded to.

"Kaya nga 'di ko muna sinabi kasi ayoko na ganito 'yung mangyari, e."

"What were you expecting, Jo? That we'll take his side?" Simon asked.

Umiling ako. "No. I don't want anyone taking sides," I carefully explained. "Look, I'd thought about this a lot. Ang mali ni Steele, ang gago niya. Ang mali ko, pumayag ako sa set-up namin kaya wala akong choice kung hindi maging mag-isa. And it's also my fault that I couldn't speak up... that it took you accidentally learning about what happened. But we're both at fault. That's it."

Both of them shook their head. "You don't get it, Jo. The problem here isn't you being his ex. Ang problema dito, bakit niya dinadala si Andrea kung alam niya naman na kasama ka namin lagi?"

Matt looked so pissed. "And it makes me so furious kapag naaalala ko na lagi naming tinutukso si Steele na ang under niya kay Andrea," he said, then apologetically looked at me. "Dude, I'm so fucking sorry," sabi niya sa 'kin.

Napailing na lang ako na nangingiti. "Ano ba kayo, okay lang. You're overthinking this."

"No, we feel fucking guilty," Matt said.

"Kasalanan ko naman kasi 'di ko sinabi," I replied.

"But we're your friends. We're suppose to figure out that something's off," Simon said.

I shrugged. "I guess I'm just good at hiding how I feel..." I said though they hadn't seen me cry for the past few months. Pero hindi naman na nila kailangang malaman. There's no need to rub salt on the wound.

Nag-iisip ako kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanila na kausapin nila si Steele kasi alam mo 'yun? Bago pa nila ako nakilala, kaibigan na nila si Steele. Sayang naman 'yung friendship. At saka alam ko na nadala lang sila sa gulat kahapon kaya nila nagawa 'yun.

Sabi nga, time heals everything.

Someday, I'd be okay.

And in that someday, I hope that our friendship would still be in tact kasi kung hindi, nakaka-lungkot naman.

Napa-tingin kaming lahat kay Psalm nung hinatak niya iyong bakanteng upuan sa harap namin at tinalikod iyon. Naupo siya doon, at saka humarap sa amin.

"Have you heard from Steele?"

Biglang nag-iba iyong expression sa mukha nung dalawa. But I quickly landed on my feet. Balak ko kasi na si Steele ang magsabi kay Psalm para at least mapaliwanag niya nang maayos kung anuman ang side niya. Ang pangit na kasi nung nangyari kay Matt at Simon. Ayoko naman na ganoon din 'yung mangyari kay Psalm.

"Hindi, e," tipid kong sagot.

"Ah..." Psalm said, then fiddled with his phone. "Andrea's been texting me, asking about Steele."

Nagulat ako nung biglang tumayo si Matt at Simon. Napa-tingin lang ako sa kanila, 'di alam ang gagawin.

"Tara," Matt said.

I pointed at myself. "Ako?"

Simon nodded. "Caf muna tayo. Late yata si prof, e." Weirded out, I stood up, too. Tumayo din kasabay ko si Psalm, pero sabi ni Simon, "Di ka kasama."

My lips parted.

"What?" gulat na sabi ni Psalm. Kahit ako, 'di ko alam ang gagawin ko. Wala namang kasalanan si Psalm!

"May pagkain ka naman sa bag mo," Matt said.

"Yeah, but—" Psalm said, but before he could finish his sentence, I was already being pulled away by Matt. Psalm looked so confused, and at the same time, offended. Kahit naman kasi ako nabigla, e! 'Di ko akalain na kayang gawin 'yun nila Matt.

"That was so rude!" sabi ko nung makalabas na kami. Hindi nagsasalita iyong dalawa kaya naman mas lalo lang akong nainis. I stopped walking midway kaya naman wala silang nagawa kung hindi ang huminto rin. I stared at them intently so that they'd take me seriously. "I didn't tell you about what happened because this is exactly what I'd been avoiding," I said.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Matt said. "But we respect your decision nung sinabi mo na ayaw mo munang sabihin—"

"That's because—"

"Now, you have to respect our decision. We just don't want you to listen to anything about Andrea and Steele."

I sighed.

There's really no winning. Kung sila Anj ang unang nakaalam, God knows what would have happened... pero ngayon na sila Matt at Simon ang nakaalam, they're treating me like I was some lost kitten in need of protection. And it's nice, really, but also, they didn't need to do that to Psalm. He's been really nice to me kahit 'di niya alam kung ano talaga ang problema ko.

"Fine," I said, sighing. "Sasabihin ko sa kanila—"

"Hey, we're not forcing you—"

"I know," I said, cutting Matt off again. "Malalaman din naman nila kaya bakit papatagalin pa, 'di ba?"

Truth was, I wasn't ready to tell them yet. Sa sarili ko, alam ko na na wala na talaga. Hindi naman na ako umaasa sa amin ni Steele. 'Di naman ako tanga para hindi maramdaman na mahal niya talaga si Andrea... I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn't. Yet. Kasi malungkot ako. Kasi malungkot pa rin ako.

But in time, I knew that I'd be happy again.

"If you're not yet ready, don't say anything yet," Simon said after being silent for so long. 'Di ko alam kung ano ang pinag-iisipan niya. He's the one who made us all friends... so I believed that it would be hardest for him kapag nasira lang lahat.

Kasi sayang naman talaga.

Kapag nawalan ka ng boyfriend, masakit. Pero kapag nawalan ka ng kaibigan? It's a different kind of sadness. The one that will always be with you... and I don't think it will ever go away. Palaging masakit lang. Palaging manghihinayang.

"You know, I don't think that I'll ever be ready because truth be told, I don't really like talking about feelings," I said, almost laughing at the irony because here I was, telling them about things that scare me. "Pero kaibigan ko rin naman sila kaya dapat din naman na malaman nila."

Simon sighed, then patted my head. "Whatever you want, Jo."

I smiled. "Thanks... but don't be rude to Psalm again."

"Because you like him?" Matt said.

"What? Hindi, ah!" mabilis kong sagot. "After what happened to Steele? No, thanks."

Matt laughed, finally. "But with Psalm, you just have to compete with basketball for his attention," he said, joining Simon in tousling my hair. Jerks. Ang hirap kaya magsuklay!

* * *

I didn't know where to start.

Paano ba sasabihin kay Psalm na iyong tao na matagal niya nang itinatanong sa akin e palagi niya namang kasama? How do I say it without potentially ruining a friendship? They'd been best friends for so long, and I absolutely didn't want to be the reason why they'd fight. I didn't think it was worth destroying that. It already brought sadness to me for so long... ayoko na pati pagkakaibigan nila madamay.

It was already 8pm, and I was still at school. Sinubukan kong tawagan si Psalm, pero hindi siya sumasagot sa tawag. Tinawagan ko na rin si Austin at sabi niya, wala pa rin daw sa bahay si Psalm. Sabi niya, subukan ko sa gym kasi baka nagpa-practice.

"Kaya mo 'yan, Joey," I said, doing a stupid peptalk with myself kahit na wala namang kwenta. My feet were walking towards the gym, but my head was begging me to turn the other way.

Wala ng masyadong tao sa campus. Maybe because classes tomorrow were already cancelled because of transport strike then there's a holiday. Either way, people were already celebrating because of a long holiday. Kung hindi ganito ang sitwasyon, maybe I was already on my way to some place para magsaya. But I was here, stuck. Thinking about how to say anything at all.

Isang malalim na hinga pa.

"Just punch me."

Bigla akong natigil sa paglalakad nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Steele.

Lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko, pero nagawa ko pa ring lumapit para mas marinig iyong mga salita.

"Why will I punch you?"

Psalm? What the hell's happening?

"Because I just told you about what happened, and it's obvious that you're pissed at me," Steele said.

Psalm's jaw clenched. He was tightly holding on a basketball. "Dude, I'm not pissed. I'm disappointed. How could you do that to Joey?"

Biglang sumikip iyong dibdib ko.

Biglang nanuyo iyong mga mata ko.

"She's our friend. You say you love her, but you tossed her away because you thought you're tired of her. You're so disappointing," he continued.

"Bakit ba 'di niyo maintindihan na—"

"You fell out of love?" Psalm said, dribbling the ball and shooting it inside the ring. "Because everything you did after the breakup tells me you never really did love her."

Steele scoffed. "Says the guy who's never been in a relationship."

"Trust me, if ever I'll be in one, I'll never screw up like you did."

Naglakad si Psalm papunta sa bola, at saka pinulot iyon.

"Just fucking punch me and get over it," Steele said, pushing him lightly kaya nahulog iyong bola.

"No," Psalm said. "If I punch you, it will relieve your conscience. And I don't want to do you that favor."

"Bakit ba masyado kang affected? Do you like Joey?"

Psalm looked at him. "Joey's my friend, you fucking idiot. I don't need to have feelings for her to know that you're wrong. Why can't you see that you're wrong here?"

"Paanong mali na naman ako? Tangina, lahat ba ng ginawa ko, mali?! Minahal ko naman, kaya lang tapos na!" he shouted. Tahimik lang si Psalm, but his face looked so condescending that it frustrated Steele more. "Malay ko bang 'di pa siya nakaka-move on? Ilang buwan na!"

Psalm just shook his head, then picked up the ball.

"Just punch me!" sabi ni Steele.

"No."

Steele pushed Psalm kaya nabitawan niya iyong bola na hawak niya. Fuck. Mag-aaway ba sila?!

"If you're feeling so guilty, make it up to Joey, hindi 'yung naghahanap ka ng away dito," Psalm said. He looked calm, but I knew that he's just holding it in. Psalm rarely gets into fights. Napapaaway siya minsan—nung nabastos si Kitty sa bar. Doon ko lang nalaman na sanay palang makipag-away si Psalm.

"Fine," Steele said, raising both his hands. "Lahat kayo kumampi kay Joey," he continued, then walked away. Mabilis akong nagtago sa gilid dahil ayoko na malaman nila na nandito ako.

Nang makaalis si Steele, nagulat ako nang biglang mapahiga si Psalm sa sahig ng court. He was just staring at the wall above, deep in thoughts. I sighed. Hindi ko alam kung mas gusto ko ba na sana nagbugbugan na lang sila, at least maaalis nila sa sistema nila... hindi iyong ganito na nag-usap nga lang sila pero parang may nasira na... Na hindi na mababalik kahit ano pa iyong gawin.

"Idiot," he said. "Fucking idiot," he repeated before throwing the ball so hard that the sound reverberated inside the gym.