#ABNQ05 Chapter 05

Shit.

Simon and Matt were looking at us—or maybe looking at me while glaring at Steele. Either way, it didn't feel right. Ang tagal kong nagtiis na 'wag sabihin, tapos sa ganitong paraan lang nila malalaman?

"What?" Matt asked, still not moving. Pero kahit na 'di sila gumalaw, iyong kabog sa dibdib ko ay hindi tumitigil. He was looking at us like he wanted an explanation kung bakit ako sumisigaw, kung bakit namumula iyong mga mata ko dahil halos maiyak ako sa inis kay Steele.

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha sa mata ko. "Nothing," I said. Nanginginig iyong mga paa ko, pero nagawa kong maglakad palapit sa kanila. Every step was making my chest tighten. "Tara na," I said.

"Steele?" tanong ni Matt.

Hinawakan ko iyong braso niya, sinubukan na hatakin siya para umalis na kami. If I'd tell them about what happened, I'd tell them when they're not mad like this. I didn't want anger clouding their judgment. Because after everything that happened, the fact that we're all friends first would still remain.

"Simon..." tawag ko kay Simon, at tumingin na parang humihingi ng tulong. "Tara na."

Simon looked confused, but he had an idea about what happened. "You... and Steele?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Yes." I pulled Matt's arm again. "Tara na."

Tumingin ako kay Matt, almost begging him to go. Siya kasi 'yung maraming kapatid na babae na mas bata sa kanya. Kung protective si Psalm, mas protective si Matt. And I had no intention of seeing how protective he could get.

Yes, I wanted to punch Steele's stupid face, but I still knew that violence would never solve anything. It's disturbingly satisfying, but still doesn't solve anything.

"Kaya ka ba umiiwas?" Matt asked me.

I nodded. "Yes. Tara na," sabi ko ulit.

"Kailan pa?"

"I'll explain later. Alis na tayo."

"Kailan pa?" he asked Steele.

I bit my lower lip as Steele answered his question. Bakit hindi na lang siya umalis? 'Di ba plano niya na lumayo muna sa grupo? At saka ako na lang sana hinayaan niya na magpaliwanag, o kaya naman hinintay niya muna na mas maging okay iyong sitwasyon. Hindi 'yung ganito na mainit iyong ulo naming lahat.

"So, all this time na pinapa-tulong mo si Jo sa surprise ng girlfriend mo?" Matt asked as his jaw began to clench again. I was afraid that he'd do something he'd regret later on kaya naman tumingin ako kay Simon para humingi ng tulong pero laking gulat ko ng tahimik siyang maglakad papunta kay Steele, at bigla na lang niyang sinuntok si Steele.

"Simon!" sigaw ko dahil sa bilis ng pangyayari. Hindi ako makagalaw sa sobrang gulat. Simon had been so fucking calm, 'di ko naman alam na bigla na lang siyang manununtok!

Steele didn't seem surprised, but the side of his lips was already bleeding. Me? I didn't know what to feel! This was what exactly what I was avoding!

"She's your ex, then you made her help in surprising your present? Who fucking does that?!" sigaw ni Simon na akmang susuntukin na naman si Steele.

Mabilis kong hinawakan iyong braso ni Matt. "Matt..."

Ayokong masira iyong pagkakaibigan namin. This wasn't what I wanted. Kaya nga ako umiwas para kapag kinausap ko sila, mas maayos na iyong pakiramdam ko. Na mas mapapaliwanag ko sa kanila. Na mas naiintindihan ko na iyong nangyari. Because I knew that opening up while the wounds were still fresh would do nothing but worsen the situation.

"Sorry," Matt said. "The asshole deserves that."

Shit! Why couldn't I take a break?! Dapat talaga pumunta na lang ako ng Japan o kaya bumalik sa India!

"I know. I'm sorry," Steele said, holding the side of his lips.

"Of all people? Ikaw pa 'yung gagawa kay Joey nun?" tanong ni Simon. "Ang laki mong gago."

Hindi makapagsalita si Steele. He couldn't even look at me... at anyone. 'Di ko alam kung nahihiya ba siya, o kung ngayon niya lang napapagtanto na mali iyong ginawa niya. I mean, fine, he broke up with me. Sige, ayaw niya na sa 'kin... pero bakit kahit kaunting respeto na sana 'wag naman sa harap ko, 'di niya magawa? Na 'wag niya naman sanang ipakita mismo sa harap ko na masaya na siya sa iba?

Sobrang hirap ba 'nun?

O sobrang wala lang siyang pakielam sa mararamdaman ko?

"I know we all did stupid shits, but I thought we both know that we don't do shits to friends," Simon said. "I thought that that was the limit."

Steele looked at him. The side of his lips was already turning purple. "I fell out of love. Kasalanan ko ba?"

Simon's jaw clenched. It was surprising to see him this affected dahil mas madalas na puro kalokohan lang siya. 'Di ko alam na siya pa pala ang pinaka magiging protective sa akin.

"Dude, I don't care who you fall in love with—that's your business. Ang 'di ko maintindihan, naging kayo pala ni Joey, tapos pina-tulong mo siya tuwing may ginagawa ka para kay Andrea! Ang kapal ba ng bungo mo, at 'di mo maintindihan na mali 'yung ginawa mo?"

"Matt naman," sabi ko ulit. "Awatin mo sila."

I didn't like fighting. I didn't like causing rifts. Much more when they're between my friends.

Hindi sumagot si Matt, pero ramdam ko na galit lang siya, pero hindi siya nagsasalita. Kinakabahan ako kasi baka bigla na lang din siyang lumapit kay Steele, at suntukin niya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kapag bigla na lang silang nagsuntukan sa harap ko.

"I thought she already moved on," Steele said. "I care about Joey. Kung alam ko, 'di ko naman gagawin."

My lips parted. "Saang parte nitong mga nakaraang buwan mo naisip na naka-move on ako?" hindi ko makapaniwalang tanong. "Kapag ba umiiyak ako? O sumisigaw? O gumagawa ng walang kwentang dahilan para lang makaiwas tuwing kasama o pinag-uusapan niyo si Andrea?" sunud-sunod na tanong ko sa kanya. "Ano? Sagot!"

"Joey..." Steele said, running out of fucking excuses.

"Or did you cheat on me? Kasi ang bilis mong nagkaroon ng Andrea, e."

"No!" Steele quickly replied. "Joey, I fucking fell out of love! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan? I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry because one day, I woke up and I didn't love you anymore. I'm sorry! You kept on fucking telling me that you can't control that you're hurting, bakit 'di mo maisip na 'di ko rin naman ma-control 'yung nararamdaman ko?"

My hands began to tremble.

My chest was tightening.

I wanted to throw a punch, too.

So, I did what I know I needed to do.

I walked away.

Because my heart couldn't take what he just said.

Because it felt like it was the answer I wasn't ready to hear yet.

* * *

I kept on walking.

I didn't know where my feet would lead me.

Ang alam ko lang, gusto kong malimutan iyong narinig ko. Kasi tama siya. Pero masakit na tama siya. Masakit na totoo. Kasi 'di ba ganon naman talaga? Isang araw mahal mo... sa susunod, hindi na.

Shit, ang daling sabihin, pero ang hirap kapag sa 'yo nangyayari. Na iyong tao na mahal mo, biglang hindi ka na mahal. Na lahat ng pinagsamahan niyo, mauuwi sa wala kasi... ayaw niya na.

Na iyon lang 'yung dahilan.

Pero dapat mong tanggapin...

Kasi nga ayaw niya na.

Bigla akong napaupo, hawak iyong dibdib ko. Panay lang iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi na ako maka-hinga. Sobrang sakit. Ang sakit kasi totoo. Ang sakit kasi hindi ko matanggap. Ang sakit kasi ganoon na lang 'yun.

"Joey?"

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha ko nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Psalm. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ako nag-abala dahil hindi naman maitatago iyong pamumula ng mga mata ko.

"Why are you on the ground?" he asked, then I felt him crouching beside me. "Have you seen Steele? He's not answering."

"Hindi," mahina kong sabi. I felt him poking my side. "I need to be alone."

"Jo..." biglang lumambot iyong boses niya. I heard him sighing. "You know, for the past few weeks, I'd seen you cry for six times already."

"Pang-seven na ngayon, ano'ng point mo?" sabi ko habang pinipilit na pakalmahin iyong paghinga ko. Nagulat ako nung bigla niyang isiksik sa gitna ng braso ko iyong panyo niya. Iyong galing pa sa Rome dahil pina-bless nila.

"May Gatorade ka ba d'yan?" tanong ko.

"What flavor?" he asked as I hear him opening his bag.

"Yung red," I replied.

"Whoever that guy is, he better be worth it," he said, then handed me the bottle.

"He's not," I replied, then got his hanky, and wiped my tears. Wala naman akong magagawa dahil alam niya naman na umiiyak ako. At saka baka sakaling maging blessed ako kapag pinahid ko sa mukha ko 'yung panyo ni Psalm.

"I think he is. I mean, you're crying because of him," he said.

"Last na 'to."

"Nah. I think you'll still cry."

"Ayoko na."

"But you can't control how you feel... at least that's based on experience," he said, shrugging.

"Bakit? Na-in love ka na ba bukod sa basketball?"

"Not really, no," he said. "But Saint, he's been in love with Imo for who knows how long. It's been a pretty crazy ride, but at the end of the day, he still loves her. I think that's how feelings go. You can't control it."

Naupo na ako nang tuluyan sa sahig. "Gusto ko nang magmove on. Ang hirap-hirap na."

"You'll move on. One day, wala na 'yan," he said, patting my head.

"I wish it's that easy..." I said, hugging my knees.

"You don't force people to move on, same as you don't force someone to eat when they're already full."

My lips parted in confusion. "You have the weirdest analogy," sabi ko habang naiiling.

"So, who's the guy?"

I looked at him. He's Steele's best friend. I didn't want to cause a fight between them... not after Matt and Simon finding out the truth.

"I'll tell you kapag okay na ako," I promised him. Or maybe Steele would tell him. Basta ayoko ng gulo. I wanted to get out of this unscathed... with our friendship still safe.

"I don't like seeing you cry."

"Nakakapagod ba?"

"Not that," he said. "But I don't like the part where you constantly question yourself and your worth. I mean, you're Joey! Why do you let someone dictate your worth? That's so messed up."

Natawa ako. "Thanks sa validation."

"But really, it's alright to fall in love and get hurt, but at least don't let it destroy who you were before you met that person."

He nodded, then stood up. He was looking down at me while he was standing up. I tried to reach for his hand. He held my hand, but before pulling me up to be with him. Akala ko may sasabihin siya, pero nagulat ako ng bigla niya akong yakapin.

"Everything will be fine," he said, just hugging me, and gently patting the top of my head. "We're always here for you."

"Thank you," I sincerely said because I was truly thankful to have people who got my back.

"He's an idiot for letting you go," he said, then I felt him resting his chin on the top of my head.

I smiled against his chest. "I think he really did love me... hanggang doon nga lang."