Lizzie

It's been a long week of nothing but hard work with assignments. I am going to be so glad when school is out for the summer. Only a few weeks to go and we've got prom coming up in two. That's gone so quickly, and I haven't even bought my damn dress yet.

I've hardly seen Brandon this week, which has left a gaping hole in my heart. Ever since I told him last weekend that I wanted to lose my virginity, he's been avoiding me, kind of.

I've seen him in a couple of the classes we attend together; we've all hung out at lunchtime with Tammy, Lilly, Denver and Tobias, but he's been acting weird. Like so weird, and I'm wondering if I should say anything to him.

It's Thursday night, and their game is on Saturday. I'm going to put it down to nerves and stress. I sigh as I lean back on my pillows in my bed and reach for my journal on the bedside. It's pink and girlie and inside the pages are stunning. Pink gold-lined pages with butterflies and flowers.

I write in my journal every day and love to look back and read. I find it soothing to write my thoughts and days down. Idly I flick through it and start to read some of the earlier entries from a year ago.

July 2022: It's been such a hot day today, and we had the best time ever. Brandon came over, and we got on our bikes and took ourselves off to the beach. Oh. My. God. He can swim like a pro. Me, I couldn't keep up with him, and then when he stood up in the water something fucked up happened to my body. It was like, I can't actually describe it. Like my insides were melting and I had this warm sensation that started in the pit of my stomach and ran its way all up my body. My nipples went erect in my bikini top, and since it's a white one, I feel pretty sure he could see. I wanted to die of embarrassment. Thankfully, Brandon averted his eyes pretty quickly. But what could I do? I mean, standing in front of me, he looked like some kind of god with his tan and buff body; those abs are like rock-fucking-hard, and I couldn't help trailing my eyes down his body to above his board shorts and notice he has that perfect model V thing going on. Shit. I think I'm crushing on Brandon now. The water just dripped off his body, and droplets were on his chest, which I have to tell you is so muscular from all his football and gym sessions. I wanted to run at him and lick the water off his body and feel his arms around me.

This is the weirdest thing by far that has ever happened to me. I've dated a couple of guys this year, but none of them did anything to me like seeing Brandon standing up out of the water like that. I felt so embarrassed. Of course, he just started splashing water at me and came and dunked me in the sea.

We've had the best day. Afterwards we headed over to the diner on the front, and I had my favorite pistachio ice cream, and Brandon had chocolate. I couldn't stop looking at him. His eyes are electric blue, and they just melted my insides. I'm telling you, my body was fucking zinging from here to the moon. Even in my goddamn fingertips. I hope to God that he didn't notice. And also, I was all tongue-tied, like I couldn't even string a sentence together. What is that all supposed to mean? I hope I'm not having a crush on Brandon. He's my bestie, you see, and that would be just too fucking weird, right?

I stop reading and hold the journal to my chest. That was the day, the first day I realized how much I wanted Brandon to be mine. The first day of crushing on him and seeing him differently to the little kid bestie that I'd practically grown up with. That one fateful day.

I wonder if we hadn't gone to the sea that afternoon and I hadn't seen him come out of the water like a god, would I have felt the same way now? What if I didn't see him like that? I mean he was so damn hot that I ached in my clit. It was like my ovaries were going to burst.

A tear starts totrickle down my cheek. This is so unfair. I don't want to be in love andcrushing on my best friend. I want things to go back to how they were. This hurtin my heart that he's going to meet someone else one day is killing me. Myheart feels as if it's being strangled and is shattered. I can't even begin totell you how I feel other than it's like the worst kind of desolation ever.