Lizzie

I've woken up early again. This whole drama of Brandon being such a jerk last night just kept playing over in my mind like a bad movie reel. It wasn't as if I wanted to get off with Lucian, but hell, what if I did? It's my life, my body, and I can do whatever I like.

To say Brandon has been acting strange lately is the truth. It just seems that whenever I start talking to some guy, well, he gets all friggin weird on me.

He and I definitely need to have a chat. He's not my boyfriend even though I wish we were dating; he's not my older brother who would get to lay down the law a bit, if I had one.

But he's neither of those, so who the hell does he think he is? You know what, I'm not going to see him today. As much as it crucifies me, I think I have to have some distance. Maybe, just maybe, this will help me get over the insane crush and feelings I have for him.

My mind wanders as I lie in the dark in my bedroom, my fists scrunching up the duvet. I am really pissed off. I hate waking up early after a rubbish night's sleep. It makes me feel over tired and damn right cranky. The house is still. I check my mobile, jeez, it is only six thirty a.m.

Reaching for my little remote fob, I press the larger of the two buttons, and my fairy lights come on. Instantly, it makes me smile, no matter how mad, down or upset I am; fairy lights do it for me. I find them soothing and so pretty. Sighing, I consider my options until the day really starts.

Should I go for a run, it'd be peaceful out, just me and my breath and the sound of my trainers on the sidewalk, or I could read. I'm nearly finished with my Colleen Hoover book, and I've got an Elle Kennedy book, The Chase, to read. It's had so much hype that I'm dying to read it. Only, to be honest with all these damn thoughts swirling through my mind, I don't think I'd be able to focus on the words in any case.

Dad and Mom will still be sleeping. Being a Sunday and all, they tend to have a longer lie-in. Dad will be up around seven thirty and doss in his pajamas until at least nine. It's the only day he has off in the week, and our Sunday family breakfasts are always something I look forward to.

I know he has to work hard, and he loves it; he is passionate about working. It's something he has instilled in me and I am considering getting a part-time job in a charity shop, you know to give something back to the community. It's not like I need to earn my own money; Daddy gives me an amazing allowance, and I know how fortunate people like Brandon and I are.

I stretch my arms above my head, then swing my legs from under the duvet. Deciding on a run is the best thing for me right now. I need to take my mind off Brandon. And the prom. Now I'm wondering if I've made the right decision to go with him. It'd mean dancing with him, and what if I kiss him?

Mmm, now there's a thought. I'd love to feel his full lips on mine, his tongue probing in and out of my mouth. I can feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach and the warm sensation that starts below and spreads up. I'm dying to touch myself whilst all the while thinking about Brandon and his electric-blue eyes, the way he smiles with that crooked smile and glint in his eye, and how when he winks, it drives me crazy. It's an insta-turn-on for me.

No. I mustn't. I can't start playing with myself, thinking of my bestie. Oh, for fuck's sake. Hurriedly, I strip off my pajama shorts and tee, then rummage through my drawers for my yoga pants, running bra, and an old tee. I need to hit my trainers and get this out of my system.

Outside, it's just starting to get light. I begin to jog at a slow pace and have my pods in. Currently, I'm listening to Taylor Swift. She's my favorite right now. My body settles into a natural rhythm, and I allow myself to think about prom.

You see, the thing is, in case you haven't already gathered, although I am pretty sure you have. I am a virgin, and it's something I have been thinking about a lot. I'd like to change that. Finally, I am ready to give my v-card away, but I want it to mean something too. You know not a quickie at some dude's party. However, there are several problems. Firstly, I don't have a steady boyfriend, and now I think about it, I've never really had a proper boyfriend. My entire life has been around Brandon and our friendship.

Secondly, I am crushing on Brandon so bad that I want it to be him. Are you following where I think I'm going with this? I mean, he is my best friend, he knows me really well, and he loves me. Sure, like his bestie and all of that, so why not? What do you think?

Seriously, the more I think about it, the more I am convincing myself it's the perfect solution. It shouldn't change anything between us, or maybe it will? Only Brandon is perfect because he won't want to get involved, although I know it'll probably make me more involved. Holy shit, this is one helluva situation, right?

I realize I am out of breath and check my watch for the stats. Shit. I've already run three miles at a good pace. Further than I wanted to be out for, but it's not a bad thing. I have been lax about running the last few days, and you know what? It feels good. Sweat is trickling down between my breasts and from my forehead. I wipe my head and stand still with my feet hip-distance apart and my hands on my hips.

I've run towards Hogan's Park, where the football team has its ground. The floodlights are on, and I am guessing they'll all be at practice soon. Brandon told me that the coach had set extra sessions leading up to the game with a day off to recover before the big event next week. I'm looking forward to going to cheer Brandon and Denver and our hometown on. It's going to be a great game, and I am hoping they win. It'd mean so much to the guys since it's their last game for our school.

Opting to walk back, I still weigh up the options of asking Brandon to be the one. It's monumental, right, or is it? Sure, there are going to be a lot more things in my life that will be more important than losing my virginity. The thing is for me not to make such a big deal out of it. But I do know one thing: I don't want it to be a random stranger; I don't want to wait forever. I'm eighteen and, as far as I know, the last girl in class to be having sex. It doesn't make me feel pressured because that would be wrong. I am guessing that it's just the right time for me now. Do I want to wait until I find the right guy, the one I will end up marrying? Hell no, you know why? You've guessed it – because I'm crushing so bad on Brandon, dammit, that I don't think I'm going to find the right guy in forever. Shit. I groan. What if I can't ever get Brandon out of my system? Fucking being this age is so dramatic. Maybe I ought to speak to my mom. Hold on, noooo friggin way. That's not happening. I can't imagine talking to her about handing my v-card away. It's going to be Brandon only. How am I going to ask him? Oh by the way, Brandon. I've been thinking how do you feel about popping my cherry? I'm kinda wanting to get this out of the way and well you know, you're my bestie. Okay, that sounds fucked up and almost creepy. I can't put it like that.

What about if I go all out and seduce him? Er, I haven't got a friggin clue how to seduce someone. I'm your regular geeky bookworm. I could Google it. Lilly googles absolutely everything.

Back home now and still no further forward on the whole approaching Brandon thing. Then it hits me, why not let it happen on prom night. How many girls do you suppose have handed out their v card on prom night? It's a stat I need to find out. Google here I come.