Lizzie

If I told you I feel a bit lost now that Brandon is gone, it'd be true. I try to shirk the way I'm feeling by hooking up my laptop and putting on my favorite Spotify playlist. I love Drake at the moment and Taylor Swift. Who is coming to play here again in Cali in a few months' time? We've all got our VIP tickets organized and I am excited beyond belief.

I grab my phone from the bedside whilst lying on my bed, not entirely sure what I want to do for the rest of the day. Going to the movies with Brandon this morning was such huge fun; I love Disney movies and doubt I'll ever grow out of it.

Idly, I scroll through TikTok, then jump over to YouTube to catch up on some of my favorite book bloggers and see what they've been reading this month. A couple of books I haven't read look good.

Grabbing my journal and pen, I start to make notes so I don't forget which ones I want to buy.

Lilly and Tammy have both messaged me to see if I want to go to the beach with them. I guess I could; it'd give me something to do. But you know I just want to be with Brandon, and he's not coming over tonight either. He's going to be at practice most of the day, then do a double stint on the field. I've got everything crossed that this game of theirs next week is going to be a winner for them. I know both Denver and Brandon are rooting for it. What a way to end their school football career.

Mom pops her head around the door. "What are you up to today, Lizzie? Anything nice planned? How was the movie?" I feel like opening my entire heart up to her and letting her know how I feel about Brandon, but I keep quiet on that front instead.

I still feel the warmth of his hand as he held mine and squeezed it in the cinema, and boy, the electricity felt like it was zinging through my body like wildfire.

"It was perfect, Mom. We watched a Disney."

"That's nice. I know how much you love those."

"I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. The girls are heading to the beach, so I may join them."

"You look a bit down. What's up, darling?" She asks as she sits on the edge of my bed and reaches out with one hand to hold mine. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I actually feel like I've fallen in love with Brandon. Only how do I know? How do I, at just eighteen, even know what love is?

"Nothing, just you know not sure what to do with the rest of the day is all. Mom, what does it feel like to be in love with someone?" I wait, holding my breath. Only I feel like my heart is torn in half because he isn't by my side. I'm not entirely sure I can continue to live without him by my side. And the thought of us being separated during our college years and then, who knows what else, afterwards is killing me. Literally killing me. I actually want to sob into my pillow because I don't want to be away from Brandon.

"It's like nothing you have ever experienced before. You're always thinking about that person; you want the best for them. They make you feel giddy with excitement, and your stomach feels like butterflies are flying around." She smiles wistfully.

"Is that how you still feel about Dad then?" I'm now having a mild panic attack inside because that is exactly how I'm feeling right now.

"Oh yes. Absolutely. Her soft blue-grey eyes are shining, and a smile spreads across her face. "He's always been the one for your father and me, and it makes me so happy." I can tell because they're so damn close even after all these years.

"Is there someone you've met, Lizzie?" she asks me, still holding my hand. "It's the most amazing feeling in the world. You feel like electricity is passing through your veins." She says her eyes are all the while on mine, waiting for me to say something.

"I think so, only it's complicated," I say. Mom tilts her head to the right and raises her eyebrows.

"How so?" I lick my lips and furrow my eyebrows. How much should I say? I opt for not a lot. It's my secret, and I guess I'm going to have to work it out on my own. Because Brandon will find someone. Sure, I know he wants to make it into the NFL, and he's already been scouted, so that isn't going to be an issue. He will want to focus on his football career, not on a dedicated girl in his life who wants marriage and kids. Brandon isn't built like that; he likes his freedom and his space. He likes to come and go when he feels like it. My heart feels like it's breaking, and the tears are at the back of my eyes, stinging. Ready to fall.

"How complicated? Please don't tell me it's a teacher or a married man."

"Mom! Be serious. I'm not that stupid." I pull my hand away and fold my arms in front of my chest, my legs now pulled up and lean my head forward on them. "I'd never be that dumb. He's just not interested in me. He dates a lot."

"Right," she says. "Well, I'm relieved it's not some teacher; you hear about it all the time, and you are a very beautiful girl, and some men simply can't help themselves."

"Okay, now you're creeping me out, Mom. Stop with that, please. It's just, you know, he doesn't see me as a girlfriend or dating material."

"Then maybe it's not be. Besides, Lizzie, you're going off to Texas to study soon, and you'll soon meet someone there."

"About that," I say, looking to choose my words more carefully.

"I'm not sure I want to go to Texas anymore. I want to go to Paris, you and Daddy know this."

"Yes, we do, but you need to finish your college course first and get your degree, then you can go to Paris and continue to study there if you want. Daddy can organize a placement for you in one of the big fashion houses like Gucci or Dior. Chanel, even if that's your preference, which I'm sure it is." I nod because I adore anything Chanel. It's my favorite design house by far.

"Does this boy know you feel the way you do about him?" Mom smooths down her skirt. I know what she's doing. She's angling for more information about who it is, and I'm not prepared to tell her. I'm not prepared to tell anyone. Aside from writing in my journal, that is. I write everything in there; I am big on journaling.

"Not really, Mom. It's okay, you know, like you said. I'll be moving away soon for college and probably meet someone new. It's just so hard, Mom, because I feel all those things you say, but he doesn't even notice me like that." I wipe a tear away.

"I think, honey, you need to tell him."

"I shouldn't have to, though, Mom. If he felt the same way, we'd both know, and we'd be doing something about it. This totally sucks. I hate being eighteen."

She comes closer to me on the bed and gives me a hug. "It sure does, but it gets better. You're still young; your hormones are all over the place. You don't know if you're a woman or a girl anymore. It's all part of growing up, sweetheart. Trust me, though, it will all work out fine. And no more talk about Paris. You're going to Texas at the end of."

That makes me just want to bawl my eyes out even more, even though I totally get why I have to. At least I can qualify with a degree that will give me options, but it sucks. Sucks. Sucks.

"What if I choose to go to Cali instead? You know where Brandon is heading."

She looks up at the wall like she's thinking. "You know Texas is a great uni, though, don't you. Cali would be good too; it's closer to home, and you could still live here." That makes her smile.

"Er, I would rent somewhere or go into dorms, Mom. The idea is that I fly the coop a little bit and just come back some weekends and holidays."

"Right." Now she looks disappointed, and I feel mean. But I want to go out and experience life alone for a while, even though it seems so fucking scary.

"Look, have a little think. If you want to swap out Texas for Cali, that isn't a biggie; you know your daddy can make anything happen, even though you've only got the summer to make this happen. Everything is in place." I nod.

"Sure thing, Mom." So many huge decisions to make. And what if I do go to Cali, won't I be cramping Brandon's playing field some? I'd be seeing him with different girls all the time; not sure I could cope with that either. Fuck me. I am so hating being eighteen and with all these major decisions to make.

"I'll go to the beach with Tammy and Lilly. I think today, you know, to clear my head, read a book, and just chill out."

"Good girl. It'll get you out of the house. You've been working so hard for your exams; you deserve a break. No, Brandon?" she asks, surprised, and of course she would be since we're usually joined at the hip.

"Gym and double practice," I say. She nods.

"Okay, sweetheart, well, I hope you have a wonderful day with the girls, and you may meet someone else at the beach. Life has a funny way of surprising us." She winks, gets up and blows me a little kiss as she walks out of my bedroom.

Doesn't it fucking just? Being in love with Brandon is like the biggest surprise you could ever imagine.