There's a high chance I'm not going to update today. I wanted to, because I was low key proud of a smol socialising achievement i did last night at a party and I was happy.

Keyword here being was.

Someone decided to be angry at me over the stupidest reason on the fucking planet, because apparently I'm abusing the internet like what the fuck? We have unlimited wifi internet, how the fuck am.i abusing it? Because all I do is spend my time on my phone apparently. Oh, so me doing the dishes and actually making my bed and trying to keep my room tidy doesn't fucking matter-im going to shut up because all I'm doing is making myself feel worse ugh.

This has been happening alot lately and I've had more suicidal thoughts than I have ever had in the four-five years I've been silently suffering. Four-five years ago, there was a point when I was looking at a knife wondering would anyone care if I cut myself now? I didn't though, but there was one thought going through my head; 'i hope there isn't a point where I snap and actually, or at least attempt to end my own life'. I'm scared because I know I'm.getting closer to that point. I have a feeling 2019 may be the worst year for me in terms of depression, because I am getting worse I know I am, but everyone plays my depression down and says that people have it worse than me and I know that, but could they at least care that I am literally walking towards a metaphorical cliff and I am so fucking close to just jumping off?

Sorry, that was way off topic. I just...I wanted to update today, I was happy and proud of my tiny achievement, but I'm not anymore, I rarely am happy for more than an hour or two as of late. But, a simple 'you did well' for my small achievements would be nice you know...but I guess i won't get to hear that...