Eve

The next morning I woke later than I'd planned. It was almost 8:30. I smelled bacon and coffee. I thought kids must have fixed something for themselves. I had a nice outfit for Christmas Eve and dinner with the entire family. For the time being I put on a ivy green dress. It was simple enough for the day, pleated and a ruffled collar. I quickly put on some make up and fixed my hair so I'd look presentable. I expected that Jeff had not stayed the night at the house. Maybe he'd stayed with another woman or even in his new studio which I was sure had a couch. I walked down the stairs and I heard Jeff's voice. I heard Jeffery and Charlotte too. I walked into the kitchen and the kids were sitting on stools at the island and it looked like Jeff was serving them pancakes. I entered the room and Charlotte turned to me. "Good morning Mrs. Lambert."

"Good morning darling." I walked over and kissed her on the cheek, then Jeffery. Jeff and I looked at each other. I had never once in twenty-five years seen him cook anything. He appeared to be an entirely different man. His shirt was loose and he wore pale khakis. He had a dishtowel tucked into the front of his pants like an apron.

"What are you doing?" I asked him. It must have come out angry or disapproving because in the corner of my eye I could see Jeffery and Charlotte look at each other. No one said anything and I felt as if I'd ruined the party.

"I'm making breakfast." Jeff said. His eyes still fixed on me and I couldn't gauge his feelings towards me. I knew he'd gone to Ed's house and I suspected Ed had admitted the truth. I didn't know what Jeff would have done after receiving that information. I also knew that he likely had confirmation that what I'd said was true.

I tried to feign amusement but really I was seething. "I've honestly never seen you cook anything since I've known you."

"Really?" he asked. "Do you want some coffee?"

"You made coffee too? Another first."

"Not really Eve. I make coffee all the time. "He picked up a cup and poured a coffee. He moved to the fridge and took out a small bottle of cream. He poured some in the cup and then walked over to me and held it out. A panic rushed through me. What if he'd poisoned it? I knew immediately it was a ridiculous thought. Still, I didn't understand why he was behaving that way. I walked over to one of the barstools and sat down next to the kids. I smiled at Charlotte.

"Are they any good?" I asked and then took a sip. The coffee actually tasted good.

Charlotte smiled and wiped her mouth with a napkin. She was wearing a blousy cream colored peasant shirt. It was cinched at the waist with a kind of knotted braided belt. She had on bell-bottom jeans. She was adorable. She put the napkin down on her lap." They're very good." She said to me and then she turned to Jeff, "Very good. Thank you Mr. Lambert."

Jeff smiled and then turned towards me. The smile quickly dissipated when he met my gaze. I had been waiting for it.

"Eve," He said. "Ed and Elizabeth won't be coming to the house on New Years."

There was a moment of silence and his overly casual tone filled the room with tension. "Is that right." I said.

"And the they won't be joining in Hawaii in February."

I didn't respond to him. I turned to Jeffery. "Clara and Charlie won't be here until this afternoon. What would you like to do?"

"I'm taking them to the new studio." Jeff interrupted.

A light flurry was falling outside of the window. The winter scene framed my view of Jeff who had removed the hand towel from his waist. He was leaning against the sink. He was holding a cup of coffee. I noticed he was wearing his wedding ring again. I suddenly felt terrible.

"Can I speak to you for a moment privately, Jeff?" I walked into the living room. I heard Jeffery say something to Charlotte but I didn't know what. I walked to the far end of the front room by the piano and bookshelves. I knew the kids couldn't hear us from there. A moment later Jeff was standing in front of me.

"What do you want Eve?" He said. He sounded angry but I could also see from his expression that he was hurt. That was the only time I'd ever hurt him the way he had me.

"I wanted to tell you something before you took the kids to your studio."

"What is it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I felt nervous telling him about the engagement ring. It would have been fine if we were on good terms, but now that we weren't it seemed there were more pressing issues between us.

"I'm not going to forgive you." He finally said. My heart stopped. I wished I hadn't told him about Ed.

"All right." I looked across the room towards the Christmas tree. My mind floated back to past Christmases with the children in the house. It had been magical. Clara had always helped me bake cookies and hang them on the tree with pretty colored ribbons. Just like back then, the toy train was now around the bottom of the tree. I hadn't set it up in years, but knowing that Charlie's little boy would be coming I placed it under the tree again. I remembered all those years without Jeff. I missed having him with us. He never had the kids on Christmas or New Years. I supposed he'd spent the holidays with Anna's family. Somewhere else. I was glad. I wanted the children with me for the holidays.

I looked at him. "all right. Don't forgive me. I don't care."

"What am I supposed to do?" He asked. I'd never seen him this way. He almost seemed desperate.

"Do you want to leave me?"

He shook his head. "I'm not leaving again Eve. You go if you want to."
"But you're not going to forgive me? What kind of life will that be?"

"I don't' know." He let out a breath. "Eve?"

I looked up at him, "what?"

"I'm sorry I did that to you last night."

I felt my stomach drop. It was so embarrassing to think about. I knew that he could see I was humiliated. "We should talk about this another time."

He nodded.

"Jeffery said something last night about our fight. He said Charlotte heard us. He told me he was upset that we would do that in front of her."

"It wasn't in front of her."

"She heard it."

He nodded.

"The other thing is that—I don't know why it's hard for me to say. Jeffery wants to propose to Charlotte. That's why I called you out here to talk to me."

Jeff smiled. "That's sweet. She's a nice girl."

"I told him that maybe you'd take him to the safe deposit box and show him some of your grandmother's jewelry. I know there were rings. I thought if he found one—"

His expression softened. "I wish you hadn't told me about Ed, Eve."

"Ok." I nodded. "OK."

"Can't you apologize at least for that?"

I looked away, "I thought we just said we weren't going to fight."

"Can't you admit you are partly responsible for this problem? For all our problems? Jesus, Eve. Can't you?"

"No."

He put his hand over his mouth and stared at me for a minute. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I kept my voice quiet. "I shouldn't have asked you to do that last night but when you made love to me like that...afterwards I felt like I'd just witnessed you with someone else. I don't like to think of you touching another woman's body. I'm too jealous. You've had so many women." I started to cry. "I wish I were a stronger person. I should never have come back to you. You're a terrible husband."

He kept his eyes on me. "You're a Goddamned genius, Eve."

It was such a shocking thing for him to say that I stopped crying and stared at him.

"You've turned this whole thing around. I made love to you last night. That's what happened. You didn't watch me make love to another woman. But you--You told me you had an affair with my closest friend. You described him coming into the cottage making a Goddamned fool of me. You are the one who left the sordid impression. But, somehow here we are again. You blaming me."

"Fuck you Jeff." I whispered.

"No. Eve. Screw you."

I turned to walk away and he grabbed my arm. I pulled it away. "Don't you dare." He released me. When I looked at him again, his voice had softened.

"I'll bring Jeffery to look at the rings and when I get back I'll take them both over to the studio."

I started to cry and put my hands over my face.

He walked closer and put his arms around me. "I'm sorry I did that to you last night, Eve."

"I'm so ashamed. About all of it. Ed. Last night. I'm sorry—I wish I hadn't."

"Look at me Eve." He said. This was how it always was with us. Up and down, over and over. It never changed. It had been twenty-five years and we still held the same scripts. He still had his arms around my waist. I looked up at him. He whispered, "What happened between you and Ed. That was twenty years ago. I know why you did it."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. Eve. I'm getting old. I want to be with you. I want us to spend our time together. We have to stop fighting all the time."

"OK" I whispered.

He leaned down and kissed me. As always I felt myself becoming lost. I always wanted him and I wanted him more after he'd hurt me. He knew I did. He pulled away and put his hand on my face. He stared into my eyes.

"Are you going to be friends with Ed?" I asked.

"You don't sleep with another man's wife. That changes the whole game. He can drop dead for all I care."

I nodded. I held on to him for a moment. "Jeff. I don't want you to be with other women any more." He stood in front of me, examining me. I could see his ambivalence and it hurt me. "Can't you do that for me?"

He started to say something and then stopped. He leaned over and kissed me again.

I pulled away. "You see? You are just the same. I don't know what's wrong with me that you need other women. I don't want--"

"Eve. It takes so little for you to run away from me. I know that's my fault. That I did this to you."

"What is your fault?"

"You were about Charlotte's age when we met. You were just a girl. I did this to you."

"What did you do? You're acting like I'm damaged. I'm not the one. I just don't want you to sleep with other women any more and you can't agree to it."

"All right. I won't."

I let out a deep breath. "I made my choices too," I whispered. "It wasn't all you. You didn't make me like this."

He touched my face and kissed me again.

There was a dull knock. We turned to see Jeffery standing in the doorway. I pulled away from Jeff. I couldn't read the look on Jeffery's face. Perhaps he seemed weary. Weary of his parents and the unpredictable, volatile inertia that inhabited our home. I wondered if the carousel of emotions that Jeff and I constantly acted out was hard for Jeffery. It wasn't something we could control. Jeffery's marriage would certainly be different. I've always thought he was the only one who made it out of our mess. He was different than the rest of us.

"What time did you want to go, Dad? Charlotte went upstairs to get ready. We cleaned up the breakfast dishes."

"Come here darling." I said to him.

He walked over to us. He kept his eyes on me, averting his father's gaze. No matter what it was, he blamed his father. He and Charlie both.

"Do you have to keep doing this with Charlotte here?" He asked, directing his question at me.

"It was my fault this time." I said. "Not dad's."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. I don't want to ruin her Christmas."

Finally he looked at Jeff, "Are we going to your studio?"

"I told dad about what we talked about." I interrupted.

Jeffery nodded but didn't say anything.

"Do you want me to take you to look at the jewelry, son?" Jeff asked him.

"Are you still feeling the same way as you did last night?" I inquired.

"Yes, I'd like to go over and look at the jewelry." He looked up at his father. He seemed so vulnerable to me. Not like a boy so much, but a young man in love. I felt my heart ache a little. I tried to imagine how important this was to him, how nervous he must be. I thought for certain she would say yes, but he wouldn't know until he asked.

"I'm happy for you," Jeff said.

I put my arms around Jeffery and kissed him on the cheek. "Let dad take you. I'll ask Charlotte to help me prepare some things for tomorrow. Your brother and sister will be here later this afternoon. Then we'll go over to your grandfather's house for Christmas Eve." I released him but kept hand on his arm. I smiled, "when are you going to ask her?"

"I don't' know." He said. He shrugged.

"Are you thinking you'll ask her while you're in Chicago or wait?"

Jeff stopped my line of inquiry. "Eve. Let him be. I'm sure he has a lot to think about."

"All right." I moved to Jeff and kissed him and smiled. "I love you both. When you get back I'll have lunch then you can go into the city."

After they left to go look at rings, I had Charlotte all to myself. She was sitting at the table peeling and slicing apples while I rolled out the pie cruse. I loved the feel of pie dough it out and then rolled it into discs.

"What sort of internship are you doing Charlotte?"

Her eyes were bright green and she looked like a fashion model. Her hair was held back in a loose braid and she wore overalls with a paisley shirt underneath. I imagined she was a beautiful child. "I'm going to work for a magazine. It's really just—it's going to be secretarial work, but it will be good to put on my resume."

"are you excited to live in New York city?"

She nodded. Her manner was respectful. I'd seen girls behave this way before around me. Charlie and Jeffery's girlfriends both. They were respectful and wanted to impress me because they were so taken with my son.

"You know, I shouldn't say it, but I've never seen Jeffery like he is with you."
She blusehed. She looked down at the large bowl full of apple slices. She held the paring knife in her hand and stopped peeling. She looked up at me. "I really love him, Mrs. Lambert." It was so innocent and vulnerable. It was sincere. I could see this was a unique quality she possessed. She was so pure and kind. She had not been damaged.

I nodded. "It makes me so happy to hear you say that. He's such a..." I looked up, not sure how to describe my admiration for my son. "He's not like most people is he?"

She shook her head. "He's so nice to me. He's always been so respectful and he listens to me."

I smiled at her. That was a perfect description of Jeffery's nature. He was loving and kind too. I didn't know why but the conversation caused me sadness too. I didn't want that perfect love to end, and I didn't think it would with them. I supposed if I were being honest I was a little jealous. It made me consider the truth that I'd never had anyone love and respect me like that.

"I'm glad you invited me to come for Christmas." She said, resuming peeling an apple. She looked up at me. "You and Mr. Lambert are so amazing. My family is so boring."

"I'm sure that's not true. What do your parents do?"

"My father is an attorney."

I nodded and lifted the flattened pie crust and draped it over the pie pan. "He must be a very smart man."

"He is." She laughed a little. "My family –I love them—but they're very boring."

"I can say, honestly we could use a little more boring around her." I was about to apologize for the night before but like with my children, I didn't want to draw them into my problems. It would be better for them to draw simple conclusions about the fight or the problems between Jeff and me. They didn't need me to paint a picture.

"Jeffery has told me about Mr. Lambert's art."

I nodded.

"He said you teach English too."

I smiled at her. I looked down at my watch and realized she may want to freshen up before they got back. "Listen sweetheart, they'll be back soon. Do you want to go change or freshen up?"

She nodded. "Do you want me to finish?"

"No. I'll do it."

After she left I stared out the window at the light snow out the window. The room looked out over the woods and it seemed in that moment very Chicago. I thought of arriving in the city the night before Jeff and I married. Looking back, it seemed like an arranged wedding. A contract between us. I was Charlotte's age when I signed my life away.