November 1999

The last 2 weeks have been insane.  The story broke and to say chaos ensued would be an understatement.  Lindsey and I released a joint statement that first night.  Sometime in early January, he and I will also do a joint interview.  Our management teams as well as the network wanted it sooner, but Lindsey actually put his foot down.  He wanted to let some of this madness die down a bit, he also wanted to keep Ella out of the news as much as possible.   She still hasn't been photographed yet, and we'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible.  

We've got a visit with her today and I am anxious.  Dr. Meyers actually suggested we meet at my house.  I am so nervous.  Lindsey will be here shortly.  I had Karen run out and get some things I think she will like.  Paints, crayons, and all sorts of art supplies.  Every time we've visited with Ella, she's wanted to draw in some way.  Ken has said she's very creative.  Apparently she likes to dance too.  I've also pulled out my mother's chocolate chip cookie recipe.  I thought that would be a fun activity for us.  

 Ella is  still very shy with us.  She hasn't spoken to us yet, but is very expressive with her eyes and body language.  Dr. Meyers says this is all very normal.  She also noticed that regardless of Ella verbalizing with Lindsey and I, she is warming up to us.    Ken has noticed it too.  That's a good thing I guess.  I really want to hear her sweet little voice though.  Dr. Meyers and Ken are going to drop Ella off and provided she's adjusting okay, will leave us for about an hour or two.  

I hear my front door open and I know it's Lindsey.

"Hey."  He grabs my shoulders and gives me a kiss on the cheek.  Since our little "confessional" to each other a few weeks ago, not much has changed.  Lindsey said Kristen left town to spend time with her parents.  Beyond that, I haven't asked.  Once they have their situation sorted, he and I will need to have a long conversation as well.  There is a lot we need to address, apart from Ella.  And I don't just want to jump into anything hastily.  We have Ella to consider, and no matter what happens with Lindsey and my relationship, Ella will always connect us.  We need to be responsible adults.  

"Hi."  I turn and look at him.  His hair still looks a little wet from the shower.  So handsome.    Lindsey keeps saying Ella looks like me, but she's got his eye shape and his mannerisms.  It's all I see when I look at her.  

"How are you holding up babe?  And rubs my cheek

"Good, I think.  I can't believe she's going to be here.  Can you?  I got a bunch of art supplies for her and I thought we could bake cookies."

He laughs.  "Sounds like we have a fun day planned.  Is Dr. Meyers planning to stay all day?"

"I am not sure.  She was going to assess the situation and see how Ella is behaving and interacting and said she would go from there."  He nods and goes to grab water out of the fridge.  And the doorbell rings.  "Linds?"  All of a sudden, I am so nervous.  

"Come on Angel, let's go see our girl."  And he grabs my hand and we walk to the door. 

"Hi," Lindsey and I exclaim a little too excitedly as I open the door.  Ella is holding Dr. Meyers hand and shyly hiding behind her.

"Ella, I am so happy to see to today."  I get down to her eye level and get a little smile out of her.  She looks adorable.  Today her hair is back in a headband and her curls look beautiful.    I open the door wider to let them in.

Lindsey bends down to Ella and says hello too.  "You look very pretty today Ella."  She smiles a little but she becomes a bit distracted by all the new sights around her.  

Oddly enough, after about 20 minutes, Dr. Meyers thinks Ella is comfortable, so she suggests she is going to leave for a little.  When she asks Ella if she's okay with that, Ella nods her head.  I don't know why, but I didn't expect that.  For the first time ever, I am left in my house with my little family.    I am overcome a bit.  Lindsey notices and manages to distract Ella for a minute so I can compose my thoughts.  

"So Miss Ella--what should we do?  Should we paint or color?"   Ella is still checking out her surroundings.  She's comfortably checking out the downstairs of the house.   As I walked out of the powder room I see Lindsey leaning against the doorway of my "music room".  It's got gold records on the wall, as well as some of the awards I've won over the yeas, either with Fleetwood Mac or my solo work.   

"What are you guys doing?"  I whispered to Lindsey.  He's watching Ella so intently.  Ella's looking around at everything on the wall.  There are pictures that go back to our Buckingham Nicks days, as well as Fleetwood Mac.   She's so observant, it's amazing.  It's obvious she recognizes that we are the people in the picture.  There is one that has her captivated.  It's clearly Lindsey and I singing "Landslide".  She keeps looking from the picture over to the guitar in the corner of the room, and back to the two of us.  

"Do you like to sing sweetie?"  Her response is that sweet little smile.   Lindsey moves to the corner of the room to pick up the guitar.  

"Steph, when was the last time this was tuned?"

"The last time you tuned it,"  is my wise ass reply.  We both laugh which makes Ella laugh.  

After a few minutes, Lindsey has the guitar tuned, "Well, shall we?"  He looks over at me.  "Concert for one, " and nods his head towards Ella.  She's standing right across from us.  Lindsey starts the opening notes of "Landslide"  and I start singing.  Soon after, Ella starts swaying slowly back and forth. Her eyes never leaving Lindsey and I.  I've sung to thousands and thousands of people, but right now, in this moment, I've never felt more vulnerable in my whole life.  When we finish she smiles and claps, and in the softest voice says "again."  

"What?"  Tear come to my eyes but I will them not to fall.  "What did you say sweetie?" Lindsey is rubbing his hands up and down my back.  I sense his tears so I know I can't look at him.  We will lose it.  

I hear the softest voice answer me.  "Play it again, please."   And so we did.  4 more times before Ella moved on to the piano and wanted to play that.  

Dr. Meyers came back after 2 hours.  Lindsey and I told her about our day while Ella was coloring.  Dr. Meyers was pleased with the progress she made today.   As they left, Ella handed both Lindsey and I a drawing she had made and shyly waved goodbye to us.    When the car was safely out of the driveway, I turned to Lindsey and lost it.  Quickly, he wrapped me in his arms and we both cried.  

"Today was perfect Angel."  I just nod and wrap my arms around his waist.