Songs for this chapter are:

Yellow- Coldplay

Volcano- Damien Rice

Here we go- Mat Kearney

Hardin's POV.

"Scott!" The familiar voice of Nate echoes through the narrow hallway. Fuck, I knew I wouldn't make it through this shit without seeing one of them.

I came to campus to talk to my Professors. I wanted to make sure my father could drop my last assignments off to them. Having friends, or parents, in high places really does help and I'm given permission to miss the remainder of classes for this semester. I have been missing so many anyway, there won't be much of a difference.

Nate's blonde hair is longer now, pushed up into some sort of messy spike in the front. "Hey man, I get the feeling you were trying to avoid me just now." He says, looking me straight in the face.

"Perceptive, aren't you?" I shrug, no point in lying.

"I always hated your big words," he laughs.

I could have done without seeing him today, or ever again really. It's nothing against him, I always sort of liked him more than any of my other friends anyway, but I'm over this shit.

He takes my silence for another opening to speak, "I haven't seen you on campus in forever. Aren't you graduating soon?"

"Yeah. MIddle of next month."

"Logan is too. You're going to walk right?" He follows next to me at a slow pace.

"Hell no." I laugh, "did you really just ask me that?" Tessa's scowl flashes in my head and I bite down on my lip to keep a smile away. I know she wants me to walk at my graduation but there's no way in hell I'm going to.

Maybe I should at least consider it?

"What's with the cast?" He points to my hand and I lift the black cast.

"It's a long story." One that I'm not going to tell you, I silently add.

See Tessa, I have learned some self control.

Even though, I'm talking to you inside of my head and you're not even here. I'm crazy still, but I'm being nice-ish to people. You would be proud.

Fuck, I've got it so bad.

He shakes his head and holds the door open for me as we walk out of the administration building. "So, how are things?" Nate asks. He's always been the most talkative out of the bunch.

"Fine."

"How's she?" My boots stop moving against the concrete sidewalk and he takes a step back, holding his hands in the air in defense. "I'm only asking as a friend. I haven't seen either of you and you stopped taking our calls a while ago. Zed's the only one that talks to Tessa."

Is he trying to piss me off?

"Zed doesn't talk to her." I snap, annoyed that I let Nate and his mention of Zed get under my skin so easily.

Nate lifts his hand to his forehead, a nervous gesture. "I wasn't saying it like that but he told us about her dad and he said he was at the funeral so..."

"So nothing. He's nothing to her. Move on." This conversation is going nowhere and I'm reminded why I don't waste my time hanging out with any of them anymore.

"Alright." If I look over at him, I know he will be rolling his eyes. "I never did anything to you." He reminds me. There is a hint of emotion behind his words, sounding a little like I hurt his feelings or something.

When I turn to him, sure enough his expression matches his voice.

"I'm not trying to be a dick." I tell him, feeling a tiny bit guilty. He's a nice guy, nicer than me and most of our friends. His friends, not mine anymore. 

"Seems like it."

"Well, I'm not. I'm just over the bullshit. You know?" I stop walking and face him. "I'm over all the shit. The parties, the drinking, smoking, the hookups. I'm just over all of it so I'm not trying to be an asshole toward you personally, but I'm just over all that shit."

He pulls a cigarette from his pocket and the only noise between us is the click of his lighter. It feels so long ago that I would walk around campus with him and the rest of our group. It feels so long ago that talking shit about people and nursing hangovers was my morning routine. It feels so long ago that my life revolved around anything other than her.

"I get what you're saying. I can't believe you're saying it but I do get it and I hope you know that I'm sorry for my part in the shit with Steph and Dan. I knew they were up to something but I had no clue what."

The last thing I want to think about is Steph and Dan and the shit they pulled on Tessa. "Yeah, well we could go on and on about it but the outcome would be the same. They won't ever be close enough to even dare to breathe the same air as Tessa."

"Steph is gone anyway." Nate says.

"Gone where?" Gone as in...

"Loganiana."

Good. I want her as far away from Tessa as possible.

I hope Tessa texts me soon, she sort of agreed to text me today and I'm holding her to that. If she doesn't text me soon, I will text her first.

I'm trying to give her space but our texting conversation last night was the most fun I've had since.. well, since I was inside of her only hours before. I still can't believe what  a lucky son of a bitch I am that she allowed me near her.

I was a dick afterwards, but that's beside the point.

"Tristan went with her." Nate tells me. The wind is picking up now and the entire campus just seems like a better fucking place now that I know Steph has left the state.

"He's a dumbass."

"No, he's not." Nate defends his friend. "He really likes her. Well loves her, I guess."

"Like I said, he's a dumbass." I snort.

"Maybe he knows her in a way that we don't."

His words make me laugh, a quiet and annoyed laugh. "What else is there to know? She's a crazy bitch." I can't believe he's actually defending Steph, well, Tristan who is dating Steph again, despite the fact that she's a fucking psycho.

"I don't know but Tristan's my boy so I don't judge him. Most people would probably say the same shit about you and Tessa."

"You better be comparing me and Steph, not Tessa and Steph."

"Obviously." He rolls his eyes and ashes his cigarette beside him. "You should come with me to the house. Just for old times sake. There won't be a lot of people, just a few of us."

"Dan?" I ask. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see Tessa's name on the screen.

"I don't know but I can make sure he doesn't come around while you're there."

We are standing in the parking lot now. My car is only a few feet away and his bike is parked in the front row. I still can't believe he hasn't wrecked the damn thing. He dropped the piece of shit at least five times the day he got his permit for it and I know his ass doesn't wear a helmet while speeding across town.

"I'm good. I have plans anyway." I lie. I'm hoping my plans could involve talking to Tessa for hours. I almost agreed to go by that damn frat house, but the fact that my old "friends" still hang out with Dan reminds me exactly why I stopped hanging out with them.

"Are you sure? We could hang one last time before you graduate and knock your girl up. You know that's coming right?" He teases, his tongue flashes in the sun and I push his arm back.

"You got your tongue pierced?" I ask, absentmindedly running my finger over the small scar next to my eyebrow.

"Yeah, like a month ago. I still can't believe you took those rings out and nice save on avoiding the second part of what  I said." He laughs and I try to remember what it was that he said.

Something about my girl.. and pregnant.

"Oh, hell no. No one will be getting pregnant, asshole. Go to hell for even trying to curse me with that shit." I shove at his shoulder and he laughs harder.

Marriage is one thing. Babies, a totally-fucking-other.

I glance down at my phone and respond to Tessa again. As nice as it is to play catch up with Nate, I want to focus on Tessa and her messages.

"There's Logan right there," Nate pulls me from my phone and I follow his eyes to Logan walking toward us. "Shit." He adds and my eyes focus on the chick walking next to him. She looks familiar but not.

Molly. It's Molly, but her hair is black now instead of pink. My luck today is remarkable really.

"Well, that's my cue. I got shit to do." I tell him, avoiding the potential disaster walking in my direction. Just as I turn to walk away, Molly leans into Logan and he wraps his arm around her waist.

What the fuck?

"Them?" I gape. "Those two? Fucking?" I look at Nate, the fucker doesn't even try to hide his amusement.

"Yep. For a while now. They didn't tell anyone until about three weeks ago. I caught on early though. I knew something was up when she stopped being such a bitch all the time."

Molly flips her black hair and smiles at Logan. I don't even remember her smiling, ever. I can't stand her but I don't hate her the way I used to. She did help Tessa..

"Don't even think about leaving until you tell me why you've been avoiding us!" Logan' voice travels through the lot.

"I had better shit to do!" I yell back, checking my phone again. I want to know why Tessa is at the doctor again.  She just avoided the question and I need to know. I'm sure she's okay, I'm just being a nosey asshole.

"Better shit? Like fucking Tessa's brains out in Seattle?" Molly lips curl into smirk and I raise my middle finger at her.

"Fuck off."

"Don't be such a pussy. We all know you two haven't stopped fucking since you met." She taunts me. I look at Logan in that "get her to shut her mouth or I will" way and he shrugs his shoulders.

"You two make a grand couple." I raise a brow at my old friend and it's his turn to raise a finger to me.

"At least she's leaving you alone now, right?" Logan fires back and I laugh. He's got a point there.

"Where is she anyway? Not that I care, I don't like her."

"We know." Nate says and Molly rolls her eyes.

"She doesn't like you either. No one does actually." I remind her.

"Touché," she grins and leans into Logan' shoulder. Nate may have been right, she does seem less bitchy. A little.

"Well, nice to see you guys, really." I sarcastically remark and turn to walk away. "I have better shit to do though, so have fun doing whatever you're doing and Logan, you really should keep fucking her." I nod at them and climb into my car. Just as I shut the door I hear a mixture of, "he's in a better mood," "Pussy-whipped," "I'm happy for him".

The weirdest part was the last one came from the Evil Bitch herself.

Tessa's POV.

"Ms. Young, the doctor will see you in just a moment." I'm informed by the elderly nurse. She is a sweet woman, she reminds me a little of Karen with her warm smile and soft voice.

I'm uncomfortable, nervous, and a little cold, sitting here dressed in only a thin hospital gown, inside a small exam room that mirrors the others lining the hall. They should add some color in the rooms, just a little paint would do, or even a framed photograph like every other exam room I've ever been inside of. Except this one. This one is nothing but white. White walls, white desk, white floor.

I should have taken Kimberly up on her offer to accompany me today. I'm fine on my own, but having a little support, even just a little of Kimberly's humor, with me today would help calm my nerves. I woke up this morning feeling much better than I deserve, no trace of a hangover present, and I felt sort of good. I fell asleep with a wine-and-Hardin influenced smile on my face and I slept more peacefully than I have in weeks.

I keep going round and round in my head, as usual, when it comes to Hardin. Reading and re-reading our playful conversation from last night hasn't failed to make me smile no matter how many times I look through the messages.

I like this nice, patient, playful Hardin. I would love to get to know him better, but I'm afraid that he won't be around long enough to do so. I won't be around long enough, I'm leaving for New York with Landon and the closer the date comes, the more restless the fluttering inside of me becomes. I can't tell if it's a good flutter or bad, but it's out of control today and in this moment it's multiplied.

My feet are dangling over the edge of this uncomfortable examination bed and I can't decide whether I want to keep my legs crossed or not. It's a trivial decision but it does the job at distracting me from the cold temperature and awkward butterflies attacking my stomach.

I pull my phone from my purse and type a message to Hardin, just to keep my occupied while I wait, of course.

A simple "hey" is all I send and wait, while crossing and uncrossing my legs.

*I'm glad you text me because I was only going to wait another hour before I text you* He replies.

I smile at the screen, even though I shouldn't like the demand behind his words, I do. He's being so honest lately and I'm loving it.

*I'm at the doctor and I've been waiting a while. How are you today?*

*Stop being so formal. I'm okay, I slept really good so thanks for that. I ran into Nate and he's trying to convince me to hang out later.*

I hate the way my chest aches at the thought of Hardin hanging out with his old friends. It's none of my business what he does or who he spends his time with, but I can't shake the sick feeling that comes over me when thinking about the memories associated with them.

*Why are you at the doctor? Are you okay? You didn't tell me you were going?*

Seconds later, *not that you needed to but you could have. I would have come with you?*

*It's okay. I'm okay alone.* I find myself wishing I would have given him the option.

*You've been alone too much since I've met you.*

*Not really.* I don't know what else to say because my head is fuzzy and I'm feeling sort of happy that he's concerned for me and being so open.

The word *liar* is paired with a pair of jeans and a ball of fire. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle the noise as the doctor enters the exam room.

*Doctor is here, I'll text you later.*

*Let me know if he doesn't keep his hands to himself.* 

I tuck my phone away and try to wipe the giddy smile from my face as Dr. West pulls a latex glove over each of his hands.

"How have you been?" He asks me. How have I been?

He doesn't want to know the answer to that, nor does he have the time to listen. He's a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist, I remind myself.

"Good." I reply, cringing at the thought of small talk as he moves to examine me.

"I ran the blood work from your last appointment but there wasn't anything triggering concern there." He says and I let out a breath of relief. "However,"

I should have known there would be a "however".

"As I looked over the images from your exam, I concluded that your cervix is very narrow and from what I can see, very short. I'd like to show you what I mean if that's okay?" Dr. West adjusts his glasses and I nod in agreement. Short and narrow cervix. I did enough research online to know what that means.

Ten long minutes later, he's shown me in great detail, the things I already knew. I've known he would say these things, I knew the moment that I left his office two and a half weeks ago.

As I get myself dressed, his words play on repeat through my mind.

"Not impossible, but highly unlikely."

"There are other options, adoption, cervical stenosis sometimes works in these situations."

"You're still really young, as you get older, you and your partner can explore the best options for you."

"I'm sorry, Ms.Young."

Without thinking, I dial Hardin's number on the walk to my car. I'm greeted by his voicemail three times before I force myself to put my phone away.

I don't need him, or anyone right now. I can deal with this on my own. I already knew this. I have already dealt with this in my mind and filed it away.

It doesn't matter that Hardin didn't answer the phone. I'm fine. Who cares if I can't get pregnant? I'm only nineteen and all of the plans I've made have fallen through so far anyway, it's only fitting that my ultimate plan is blown to pieces too.

The drive back to Kimberly's is long, traffic is congested again. I hate driving, I've decided. I hate people who have road rage. I hate the way it always rains here. I hate the way young girls blare loud music with their windows rolled down, even in the rain. Just roll your windows up.

I hate the way I'm trying to stay positive and not turn into the pathetic Tessa I was last week. I hate that it's so hard to think of anything except the fact that my body betrayed me in the most ultimate and intimate way. I was born this way, Dr. West says. Of course I was.

Just like my mother, no matter how perfect I try to be, it will never happen. There is a silver lining here, a sick one, but at least I won't pass any of the traits I got from her, to a child. I suppose I can't blame my mother for my lack of cervix, but I really want to. I want to blame someone or something, but I can't.

This is the way the world works. If you want something bad enough, it gets stripped away and held out of reach. Just the way Hardin is. No Hardin and no babies. The two would have never mixed anyway, but it was nice to pretend I could have the luxury of both.

As I walk into the house, I'm relieved to find I'm home alone. Not home, but here. Without checking my phone, I strip down and get into the shower. I don't know how long I stayed in there, watching the water circle the drain over and over. The water was cold when I finally climbed out and dressed myself in the single t-shirt of Hardin's that he left for me in my suitcase when he sent me away in London.

I'm just laying here now, in this empty bed and by the time I start to wish Kimberly was home, I get a text from her saying they are staying overnight downtown and Smith will be at the sitter all night. I have the entire house to myself and nothing to do, no one to talk to.

I keep pitying myself and I know it's ridiculous but I can't seem to stop it.

*Have some wine and rent a movie, our treat* Kimberly responds to my text wishing her fun for the night. 

My phone starts to ring as soon as I send my thanks to Kimberly. Hardin's number flashes on the screen and I debate whether or not to answer. By the time I reach the wine fridge in the kitchen, he's routed to my voicemail and I've reserved a ticket to Pity Party Central.

A bottle of wine later, I'm halfway through a terrible action film that I rented in the living room. It seemed to be the only movie on the list that had nothing to do with love, babies, or anything happy.  

When did I become such a downer? I take another drink of wine, straight from the bottle. I gave up on the wine glass five swigs ago.

My phone rings again and this time, I accidently answer.

Hardin's POV.

"Tess?" I say into the receiver, trying to hide my panic. She has been ignoring my calls all night and I've been going insane wondering what I could have done wrong.

"Yeah." Her voice is cloudy, slow, and off. With one word I can tell she's been drinking.

"Wine again?" I chuckle, "should I lecture you yet?" I tease her and listen to silence on the line. "Tess?"

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just watching a movie."

"With Kimberly?" My stomach twists at the possibility of anyone else being there with her.

"Myself. I'm alone here in this biggg house." Her voice is flat, even as she exaggerates her words.

"Where's Kimberly and Vance?" I shouldn't be this worried but something about her voice is off and has me instantly on edge.

"Out for the night. Smith too. I'm just here watching a movie alone. Story of my life, right?" She laughs but there's nothing behind it. No emotion at all.

"Tessa, what's going on? How much did you drink?"

She sighs into the phone and I swear I can literally hear her gulping more wine. "Tessa. Answer me."

"I'm fine. I'm allowed to drink, right?" She tries to make a joke, but just like before, there's nothing behind her voice.

"If you want to get technical you aren't actually allowed to drink. Not legally anyway." I'm the last person to lecture her, it's my fault she started drinking so regularly anyway, but I hate the burning paranoia clawing at the pit of my stomach right now. She's drinking alone and she sounds sad enough to have me on my feet.

"Yeah," she says.

"How much did you drink?" I ask again. I text Vance while I wait for her response.

"Not too much. I'm fine. You know what's weird?" Tessa slurs. I grab my keys. Damn Seattle for being so fucking far.

"What's that?" I push my feet into my Vans. Boots take too much time and time is something I can't afford right now.

"It's weird how someone can be a good person but bad things just keep happening to them. You know?"

Fuck. I text Vance again, this time telling him to get his ass home. Now.

"Yeah, I do know. It's not fair the way that works." I assure her. I hate that she's feeling this way. She's a good person, the best I've ever met, and she somehow ended up being surrounded by a bunch of fuck-ups, me included. Who am I kidding, I'm the worst offender.

"Maybe I shouldn't be a good person anymore."

What? No. No, no, no. She shouldn't be talking like this, thinking like this.

"No, don't think like that." I wave an impatient hand at Karen who is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, wondering where I am running off to this late, I'm sure.

"I try not to but I can't help it. I don't know how to stop."

"What happened today?" I ask her. It's hard to believe that I'm talking to my Tessa, the same girl who always sees the best in everyone, herself too. She has always been so positive, so happy, and now she's not.

She sounds so hopeless, so defeated. She sounds like me.

My blood literally runs cold in my veins. I knew this would happen, I knew she wouldn't be the same after I got my claws into her. I somehow knew that after me, she would be different.

I hoped it wouldn't be true, but tonight it sure as hell seems that way.

"Nothing important." She lies. Vance still hasn't answered me. He better be driving home.

"Tessa, tell me what's wrong. Please."

"Nothing. Just karma catching up to me I guess." She mumbles and the sound of a cork being popped echoes through the silence on the line.

"Karma for what? Are you insane? You've never done anything to deserve any of the shit that's happened to you."

She doesn't say anything.

"Tessa, I think you should stop drinking for the night. I'm on my way to Seattle, I know you need space but I'm getting worried about you and I.. well, I can't stay away, I never could."

"Yeah." She isn't even listening to me at this point.

"I don't like you drinking this much anymore." I say, knowing she won't hear me.

"Yeah," she repeats.

"I'm on my way, get some water. Okay?"

"Yeah."

The drive to Seattle has never seemed this fucking long and I finally see it, this cycle that Tessa always bitches about. The cycle ends here, this is the last damn time I'll be driving to another city to be close to her. No more endless fucking cycle of my bullshit. No more running from my problems and no more fucking excuses, no more long ass drives across the damn state of Washington.

(hey guys! I forgot to leave an update date on the last chapter but this time I'm gong to! I will update Sunday or Monday, I'm going out of town tomorrow for the night but I'll be home Sunday so I'll try not to leave you at the edge of the cliff too long:)

I just wanted to say a thank you to Amy at Wattpad who has been so amazing and supportive and literally my backbone, right hand, half my brain, etc with all things after included and she celebrated her last day at Wattpad today and she's off to do exciting, amazing things on her own now so everyone wish her luck because she's great and I've probably drove her absolutely insane with how much I've bothered her today! lol. )