I turn pale. I feel nauseas.

I don't deserve it, I relapsed. How am I supposed to tell them I relapsed?

"O-oh! You guys don't have to do anything for me, r-really..." I testified.

"But we want to, you earned it kiddo." Tyler put a hand on my shoulder.

"T-thanks." I said, then headed up to my room.
I'm gonna have to tell them soon somehow.

I laid in bed and began conjuring up some ideas. Maybe I could just tell him? Maybe I shouldn't? Maybe i should just tell Jenna then have Jenna tell Tyler for me?

Then I got it.
I grabbed a piece of paper and pencil.

Hey, sorry I know this is weird. But I couldn't bring myself to say it face to face. I'll get to the point. I relapsed today. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I just couldn't stop it, not after the damien thing. I was too scared to tell Tyler so that's why I'm writing to you. I'm sorry. Could you tell him for me? I love you.

I set down my pencil and wait at the top of the steps. The two were watching a movie, so when Tyler went to the bathroom I handed the letter to her and ran back to my room.

I sat up, leaning against my headboard, waiting for the inevitable.

There's no turning back now.
I heard the bathroom door open and some quiet talking.

I was so hyper focused I could even hear the small ticks of the clock in my room.

My heart was beating out of my chest, and the moment I heard footsteps I began to shake and breathe unevenly. I heard a knock, then Tyler came in.

"Kiddo?" He said.
I looked at my hands. Tyler sighed and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

There was a pause as he stood in the doorway and then pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Where are they?"
I choked up. I didn't say anything for a bit. I opened up my mouth but nothing came out.

"I know you don't want to tell me but you have to. Either that or I'm searching your room." His voice sounded cold. It felt horrible. It felt like I was being annoying, just another problem, an inconvenience.

I start sobbing, and told him where I put it. He grabs them and flushes them down the toilet. I told them where I bought them. He sits on the end of my bed.

"Show me." He demands.

I look up at him in confusion, then he gives me a look of 'you-know-what-im-talking-about'.

"N-no I'm not c-comfortable with that. T-they're pretty bad." I take in heavy choppy breaths.

"That's why I need to see them, to see if you need stitches."
I kept weeping, hoping he'd give up.
I spoke once I caught my breath again, exhausted from all the crying.

"P-please don't m-make me." I almost whisper.

"I'm sorry baby. I have to."
I hold out my arms but look away. I can't stand to see them and to see others faces when they see them too. When he's done I roll my sleeves back down. He sighs again.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Or tell me before you did it?" He asked, sounding hurt.

"B-because I didn't want to disappoint you. The sound of disappointment is like a heavy weight crushing your lungs, it makes me want to cry until I pass out. I hate it. I hate being disappointing. I hate letting people down. I hate the sounds of their 'are-you-serious' sighs or their body language when I inconvenience them. I don't like it when people are ashamed of me. It's the worst feeling in the entire world. It makes me feel more like a problem rather than a person since I ruined someones day."

Tyler pulls me in for a hug and I sob until his shirt is soaked. He sighs again.

"It would be a lie if I said I wasn't disappointed. But that shouldn't be taken so negatively. You just did something bad. We've all done something bad, something we feel guilty about. I just don't want you to go through life battling this constantly. The less you do it the easier it gets but you have to tell us when you want to do it, okay?"

I scoff.

"Well It's not exactly easy looking at the one you love and telling them you want to slice yourself open. Its awkward and embarrassing." I said.

"I know it's not, but having to tell them you actually did it and them asking to see it probably feels much worse, right?" Tyler said, hugging me more. I nod, knowing he was right.

We laid down on my bed, me snuggled up against his warm chest.

"I-is Jenna mad?" I ask.

"Of course not, she's just as worried as I am kiddo."

"O-oh okay." I sniffle and slow my breathing.
I hear Tyler start to hum, then his humming turning to soft singing.

Oh, Ms. Believer
My pretty sleeper
Your twisted mind
Are like snow on the road

Your shaking shoulders
Prove that its colder
Inside your head
Than the winter of death

I will tell you
I love you
But the muffs on your ears
Will cater your fears

My nose and feet are
Running as we start
To travel through snow
Together we go

And before I could hear the rest of the song, I am sound asleep.