CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: DESTRUCTION

I never lie―I am a blatantly truthful person about almost everything. My addiction (or disease as some call it) always lies. I have had very good relationships, but the addict in me always fucked them up. I fall in love quickly, it's a high that rivals drugs for a while. I am monogamous, but I always cheated with depression before the relationship fell apart. Addicts need best friends, healthy people need healthy relationships.
-Emma Forrest

I was really resentful of her for a long time.

The years I should have spent figuring myself out, controlling my rebels and what I'm praised for, she had control of my life and she ruined it. I hated her so much, I hated her. I hated my family, I hated the therapy they'd force on me, the way they'd make me go cold turkey, the medicine they shoved down my throat. I was just full of hate.

But most of all, I hated me.

I was a failure, I wasn't ever good enough, I'm stupid, never as beautiful as they wanted me to be, I was mean. I could even kill myself properly, even after the fourth time.

But today I went on a run with Jem and we laughed, I had a good time. I was able to give one of my drawings to Violet and make her smile. I'm going to fight Micah at his gym, and I'm going to get my ass kicked and I'm going to enjoy every second of it. I have good friends that support me, I'm closer to my best friend that I thought possible.

I've seen more sunrises and sunsets and shooting stars than I thought a person like me should ever get to see. They were alive, blazing across the sky.

I'm living.

Now I'm almost thankful that my parents are the way they are, that they cracked down on me hard enough to force me out of addiction, because I never would be experiencing all these things if they hadn't stopped me.

I wouldn't have heard the laughter, I wouldn't see the smile, I wouldn't help save people who were just like me.

This is why I believe in pushing and beating and forcing everything in the other direction even when the odds seem impossible.

There's so much in the world for everyone to experience. There's mountains to climb, cities to see, oceans to swim, forests to walk and hearts to touch. There's so many songs to listen to that you haven't already, there are people you haven't even met yet that are waiting for you to hold them.

There's also bad things, but the bad has never outweighed the good. 

Love is one of those good things that people have tendency to call bad, but that's because they don't understand what's love and what's not love.

When people love you, they don't use you, they don't hurt you on purpose, they don't treat you bad. With love comes respect, trust. Those three things all intertwined, and often you can't have one without the other.

I'm one of those people of used to say all love did was hurt you, that love was designed for destruction.

But it's not.

Love was designed for beauty, destruction is just a byproduct. 

On the note of love, I started to notice that whenever I first walk into a room, I look around.

I look for Micah.

This worries me, because I never used to do that. In a crowded room- -a room full of everyone I have ever loved, all my friends, my family, the people I've helped- -I would look for Micah, and I wouldn't be satisfied until I found him.

Realizing this, is when I knew who my heart belongs to.

"You know AJ," Jem says, him being my voice of reason when my own mind is telling me to hide in a hole until this whole crush on my demon thing blows over or wait to see what Micah does. "If you just wait until you feel ready, or wait for the perfect timing then you'll probably be waiting for the rest of your life."

Pouting, I face plant into the couch. "I hate waiting."

Jeremiah only shrugs and starts flicking through channels, "Then don't wait. Ask him out on a date."

"But what if he says no?"

"If you're really worried about it then don't call it date, call it quality time but the only downside from that is because he wants to date you, he might thing you're friend zoning him. Or worse," Now my best friend gasps dramatically, holding a hand over his forehead. "Therapist zoning him."

Giving him the stink eye I throw a pillow at my best friend before settling back down. "I can do that. What's something to do on a date that's not a date but still a date?"

"I dunno, go to a mall and try on hats in front of each other in that hat shop you've always wanted to go into, it'll be funny. That way you could both get coffee too, and go to the park when you're done."

I gasp, staring at Jem. "That's a perfect idea! How the hell are you so good at this stuff, you've never even had a girlfriend longer than three months."

Now offended, he only throws the pillow back at me. "Because I've had to go on so many first dates, apparently. That sentence was a verbal kick in the balls AJ."

"Oh, sorry Jem." Smiling sheepishly I hold the pillow to my chest. "What if he doesn't even want to go on a not-real date with me?"

Jeremiah laughs as if that's not even a possibility, "Then bribe him with strawberries."

Ah yes, the broken boy's weakness.

Letting the topic drop, we quickly decide on a comedy horror movie and settle into our seats until Jem has to cuddle for comfort once people start to get killed off. The Babysitter isn't actually scary at all, my best friend is just a baby when it comes to horror of any kind.

At least this time the movie will have him laughing instead of screaming in my ear.

The next morning Jem forces me to call Micah by unlocking my phone, letting it ring twice before throwing it at me when he answers -knowing I'm too nice to hang up.

Then the asshole just kicks back on my kitchen counter, wearing a shit eating grin as he watches me internally panic while trying to sound calm, cool and collected. It's put on speaker, so if I'm having difficulties Jem can navigate my oblivious waters for me.

"You know the chemical formula for love has three drugs in it, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Which means that technically, love can be manufactured in a lab." I tell Micah before he could even speak, anxiously pacing on the tiled floor. "But the thing is, it's actually easy to overdose even accidentally on this combination. It can cause schizophrenia. You can get paranoia. Go insane."

The green eyed boy laughs, "And you're telling me this why?"

"Oh um," I giggle nervously. "No reason? Um, did you uh, did you know that mangoes are scientifically proven to help reduce antidepressants addiction? It not only can help cure depression and anxiety but it can help cure addiction too. Isn't that just cool? I think it's cool. Coolio, cool beans. Beans. Beans are weird. When I was little I used to sing the weird song that's like 'Beans, beans the magical fruit- -though I have to wonder if beans are actually fruit- -the more you eat the more-"

"AJ is there a actual point to this phone call?" Micah interrupts to ask, then pauses. "Wait, are beans a fruit?"

"Yeah, they're a fruit. Just like mangoes." Looking up at Jem I plead with my eyes for help, to which he sighs and motions for me to get on with it, shooting me a thumbs up. "So um, do you uh, can you go to the mall and be weird with me?"

Out of the corner of my eye I see Jem smack himself in the face.

What a mood.

"Go to the mall and be weird with you?"

"Like...today? At five? We can meet at the mall and get coffee and go do like, I don't know, fun things? Hats will be involved. And when it gets dark we'll go to the park near your apartment building so you don't have to travel far-" I tried to make it as convenient for him as I could. "-and we can watch the stars until you want to leave."

It's a moment before Micah replies, and the entire time my heart is beating a little too fast. "You mean...like a date?"

"No!" I rush out, then see Jeremiah's 'don't fucking say that' look and struggle to correct myself. "I mean yes! Wait, it's like a date that's not a date that's still a date. I just want to go somewhere and laugh with you. You don't laugh enough even though you have a really nice laugh, and a beautiful smile -I mean, just say yes?"

"Okay? Yes." Even over the phone I can tell he's smirking. "And just for the record Artemis, you're the one with the beautiful smile."

Cheeks now flaming red I can only manage to squeak out, "See you then."

"Alright, bye then, little Goddess."

"Goodbye, Demon."

There's a solid three minutes of silence after Micah hangs up where I'm just frozen staring blankly down at my phone as I try not to explode.

"Well," Jem, who jumps off the counter, chuckles. "You're reacting better than I-"

I cut him off with squealing loud enough to make him wince and instantly start bouncing until I can catch my best friend in a hug. "He said yes!" Then a thought fills me and I shake Jem's shoulders lightly. "Holy fuckernuts, he said yes. You have to help me actually plan this, otherwise I'll chicken out. Help me pick an outfit. Should I wear a skirt? He always hates on my skirts and...ahh," I shake him again. "Help me!"

Looking surprised by my outburst, Jem regains composure slowly and drags me to my room so he can riffle through my closet.

No better person to pick out what a guy wants to see on a not-date than another guy, albeit a respectable one. 

Finally it's decided on a white and pink floral printed skirt- -Jem said that Micah doesn't hate my skirts at all, but wouldn't tell me more since last time he tried to say something he got floored- -and a grey long sleeve. I traded out the turtle slippers I was wearing for grey Vans and slipped my blonde curls into a quick messy bun.

When in doubt, wear a bun.

I put on lip gloss and my necklace with a mango charm on it for good luck, completing the look.

Most days I try to make sure my appearance is good, but today it's easy to see that I really tried to look better than I normally do.

"If he doesn't want to go on a real date after this, punch him for me." Jem says jokingly, making me giggle as he grabs my arm to twirl me in a circle. "I know you don't like hearing this from a best friend, and you want me to call you ugly, but you're literally one of the most breath taking people I've ever seen. And it's wrong of the world to make you keep forgetting that."

My heart swells at his words, knowing he's genuinely complimenting me. "Thanks Jemmy," I give him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "You're my best friend, and just being here for me is always enough. So thank you again, and I love you."

Jeremiah grins, poking me on the cheek in the same spot I kissed him. "You're very welcome AJ, and I love you too." He points to the door. "Now shoo, and go make him fall in love with you."

This gets me to smile as I walk out the door, waving Jem goodbye.

Though I'm a little salty for it, Jeremiah is using my truck today to get back to his house and to school on Monday which means for my date that's not a date I have to use the car.

The beautiful orange fading into red convertible that cost more than I would ever spend on a car, no matter how pretty.

A car I've never drove -out of pure spite.

Besides Jem always gets mad because I call it a James Bond instead of a Aston Martin -which I feel is completely justified.

By the time I'm parking at the front of the mall, my hands are shaking just a little and anxiety consumes me as I walk to wait at the doors like we agreed to.

Do I even look nice enough for a not-date?

What even is a not-date?

He'll think I'm a freak.

Will he think my skirt is weird?

What if he thinks I look weird?

What if he doesn't come?

"My little Goddess?" My name gets called from the parking lot, making my gaze snap over to the broken boy.

Then my breath gets clogged in my throat as I scan Micah. He's wearing a green shirt that makes his eyes more noticeably green, a short sleeve that shows off his muscles and tattoos and even scars. Tight black jeans hug his legs, leading me to his black high tops that have grey laces.

He's beautiful.

And sexy.

And hot as fuck.

Like holy-

"Your face is burning up," Micah snickers, throwing me a wicked grin as he finally reaches me and is able to hold a hand to my cheeks and pretends to burn himself. "Did you recently get set on fire?"

"S-shut up you Demon," I say and slap his hand off of me. "I just didn't...you look really nice."

He rolls his eyes, "I don't think you should be able to even say that when you look as stunning as you do."

My eyes widen but there's not a hind of surprise in those dark eyes of his, just blatant amusement and that look -the one I can't describe, I can't even compare it to anything else.

"Hat time?" I squeak out, pointing awkwardly inside.

Micah laughs, grabbing my hand without hesitation and gently kissing the top of it. "You really are adorable, and I don't want to be kicked for saying that. Come on Baby, let's go try on hats and get something to drink that doesn't have those orange fuckers in them."

"Okie doke," Instantly I agree- -letting the comment on my poor, amazing mangoes slide- -and let him lead me inside. "Let's go!"

Only a minute later would I realize that he didn't call me babe in mock of what I call him.

He called me baby.