CHAPTER TWENTY: BEAUTIFUL

Passion creates, addiction consumes.
-Gabor Maté

Before I knew about addiction, nobody wanted to talk to me about drugs. They called me a curious mind, that I couldn't complain about it. They didn't want to have that in depth conversation that I think everyone should have at least once. When I was an addict, and knew about addiction first hand, nobody wanted to talk to me about drugs. They said I was out of my mind, that I couldn't complain about it.

I'm starting to think that just don't want to talk about drugs, that the inequality they bring is too uncomfortable for them.

There is a specific difference between Never-Were addicts, Are Not-Anymore addicts, and Addicted monsters.

Saying someone wasn't an addict but now is, means that person is someone who mimics the actions of a proper neurotypical but imperfectly. It points out how the details are wrong in their speech, the way they act, and that's what makes it scary -an addict hidden almost perfectly in the folds of society.

Saying that the addict isn't a human anymore on the other hand implies that the person used to be a human before they got worse, pharmaceutically controlled half human and half something indistinguishable. That's what makes this addict scary. Because the details are still right, they're still half-human but their addiction is coming out of all the wrong spots and making their relationships horrible.

Addicted monsters on the other hand, they're terrifying.

Because when someone's a monster, a monster that's addicted to monstrous things, is no longer human -and maybe never was.

Imagine, for instance, if you were walking through the woods and came across a coyote. At first glance, it completely appears to be normal, but the longer you look at it the more it turns into something worse until you realize- -probably too late, because you might have already considered it a pet- -that it's not a coyote anymore. And had you met it in this state, you wouldn't have thought it was a coyote at all. And there's a decent chance that it was never actually a coyote to begin with but only a very good copycat, and what makes this monster something you should fear is the slow change from everything being right to every last thing being horribly wrong. Happening slowly enough that you don't even notice until it's much too late. As well as the fact that something now so clearly not a coyote could have fooled you to begin with.

Not to mention it's a coyote, or rather, something that looks like a coyote.

So of course after you figure it out, it laughs.

The fourth kind of addict, is a Not-Human addicts, where you're not sure what they're addicted to, you don't know how long they've been like this, if there was a time they weren't this but the only thing you can say for sure is that they're not human.

The next is the Not-Normal addicts, which means that all while that person is horribly addicted to something. All while they're acting in a way others can't understand, that sometimes midnight talks with this person makes you have goosebumps, their lungs rattle with drugs and their hearts constrict without having much to care about. That isn't their next fix. Even through all this there is something about this kind of addict that makes people stop caring if they're not human anymore, because something about them makes them seem like a good person.

Though this addict doesn't hide, they're given the kinds of protectiveness that makes it seem like they don't have a problem -that what they're doing is okay.

Between this and a monster, I don't know which one is worse.

At least, eventually, monsters admit what they are.

As for me I was someplace between a Not-Anymore addict and a Not-Human addict, a very awkward place to be.

I feel human in the way the same way a sinner feels holy -not at all, or as dirty as the way they worship.

Today is one of those days where a panic attack has been on the verge of my mind the entire time, where I'm close to giving up and going home. All I can think about is how I should escape before I break out into tears in the middle of one of my classes.

Picking the specific thing that's the worst about today would be hard.

My mind is missing Kace and my body is missing Micah, my heart is missing them both.

My parents are doing that thing where they fly in for dinner one every six months next week, and I know the entire time we'll be talking about work. Then near the end they'll begin to chastise me forever doing drugs and make sure I'm not getting bad again. My dad will yell at me for the career path I've chosen, how it's not something a person like him can respect me for.

I don't need his respect.

Just like I don't his approval.

Jem even had to give me one of my pills so I could calm down- -he's the one who has my anxiety medicine on hand, since I'm prone to attacks but rarely take them. I'm not sure if I trust myself with them yet, and I don't want to find out. I like to think that I'd be okay- -and it's working, but slowly.

My hands stopped shaking, at least.

The way I can tell that we'll have a full table at lunch today is because Peggy, Jayden, and his best friend are already sitting with us in the library. Jem and I are always okay with this, but sometimes I can't help but to get overwhelmed.

I'm claustrophobic now, especially in big crowds.

Being seated between Peggy and Jem helps, because on one side of me I have my best friend and on the other I have a respectable girl that I'd consider a friend. Jayden is a very chill person, he's pretty sarcastic and jokes a lot, but usually just sits back and talks about whatever fandom he's in at the moment. His best friend on the other hand, isn't quite as respectable and goes out of his way to annoy others -in the bad way.

For Jay, he pokes him and makes fun of whoever his best friend is shipping at the moment. For Peggy, he teases her -most of which she ignores and tells him to fuck off. For Jem, he flirts with him in atrocious ways.

For me, however, he does all of those things.

Apparently, I'm fun to annoy.

"I'm going to go put my backpack in my locker," I tell Jem, poking his arm as I go back making him smack the back of my knee in retaliation. "I'll be right back. See you in a minute, Loves."

"Wait!" Jayden says, picking up his backpack and standing to face me.

Smiling nicely, I tilt my head at him. "Do you want me to just put it in your locker?" Apparently that's exactly what he wanted, because the next thing I know his bag is being tossed at me and I nearly tip over with the weight of it.

I know a lot of people's locker combination, just because of the things I'm willing to do for them and how trustworthy I seem.

Now I can mess with half the school and nobody would know it's me.

Which is, for the underclassmen, going to be my class's Senior prank -I'm slowly collecting all the locker information. As an office helper for my fifth hour, this is easy.

Our school is small, with only about two hundred students in every graduating class. So it was easy to decide, as a whole, to prank the Freshman -the most comically unstable and annoying people in the world.

I don't think it's exaggerating to say that most of the energy people spend in high school destroys them, it makes us exhausted. And by the time we're in our Junior year we learn that a two-day break can't cure us. If we make it that long in this broken system, it's not going to be fixed for us.

The younger generations can have hope of change, and though the way we're raised and taught can't be altered, the way we raise each other can be.

As Seniors we're expected to lead, to be the example.

The truth is we never really grow up, we just masquerade as adults because that's what we're expected to do.

I know I never want to grow up.

My walk is a little wonky from the weigh of Jay's unbelievably large bag hanging over my shoulder but it's a quick trip to our lockers and back to the library.

What slows me down getting back to my perfectly mixed mango smoothie waiting for me, however, is Peggy's boyfriend's best friend -Beck.

Meeting me in the hallway, he acts all innocent then leans against the door when I try to open it. Then when I try to get in the next door his boot is against it, stopping me.

Everything fails until I'm completely annoyed standing in front of the library doors without being able to get in them. "Open the fucking door!" I shout, finally having enough of Beck's stupidity as he prevents me from getting to my beloved smoothie. "Or I'll-"

"Ferro!" Me having absolutely terrible timing when it comes to me saying things I'm not supposed to say in front of authority has always annoyed me since the first time I called someone stupid in kindergarten and got in trouble. So of course now is when Mrs. Peker, with no clue why she would be out of her office as she never is unless we have an assembly or an important new student. "Be polite."

"Right, of course, what have I been thinking?" Palming myself in the forehead, I act like the asshole in front of me hasn't been annoying me for twenty minutes, calling me a midget and blocking me from books.

"Please open the fucking door."

"Miss Ferro!" Mrs. Peker shrieks, apparently appalled by my behavior. "You're on your last warning."

Oops?

I huff and cross my arms, not even going to reply to her as I glare murderously up to Beck and point to the library door. "Sweetheart, listen. If you don't open the door I'm going to make Jay punch you so hard you wished your mom swallowed you." My mood only gets worse as he smirks. "I'm not kidding. Darling I already told you this, you annoying little shit, someone taught me how to punch and if your best friend doesn't control you, I will." I say, scowling directly at the mean boy.

"Then do it." This jerk pauses only so I notice how much wider his grin got. "Punch me."

Instead of balling into fists, my hands fly to my skirt, clutching the fabric nervously.

I don't like violence.

Rather suddenly, a warm and quite solid chest is being pressed into my back, two large hands on my hips drawing me smack! into someone. I gasp, jerking my head up and see the clenched jaw of the boy holding me.

He's beautiful.

"Is that a suggestion," A snarl rips through the air, coming out like a bullet from the addict's mouth. "Or a command."

Beck doesn't even stick around to answer, but rather flies through the library doors.

What a pansy.

"Micah!" I cheer, squirming in his steely grip until I can wrap my arms around his middle and pull him into a tight hug. "I missed you."

"Who is he?" Micah asks, dark eyes glaring after where Beck disappeared through in search of an answer.

Pouting, I stomp my foot making his eyes snap down to me. "That's not the proper reply, Demon."

"I'm sorry, little Goddess." The dark glint in his eyes that were promising pain vanish as Micah grins at me. "I missed you too."

Heck yes! This is better than any mango.

Squealing, I can't help but to reach up and hug Micah around the neck this time, bouncing so much that the giant boy just gives up trying to match my excitement and picks me right up. I can tell he's rolling those dark eyes of his, but I don't really care.

Then I catch the lingering smell of cigarettes and pull away, raising a eyebrow at him. "You're smoking more than normal. Are you okay Babe?"

Just from my own experiences and getting to know Micah these last two months, I could probably answer this myself but he could just be smoking to fend off addition instead of as a stress reliever. After all, he is back around all his old triggers again.

"Yeah, it hasn't been as terrible as I thought it would be." Micah gives me a small smile. "I'd be here a lot sooner if they actually wanted to help me. I had to be with them for an entire week after, which fucking sucked. I'm back at my apartment now though."

"That's good." Pausing, I almost flinch at my train of thought but manage to smile. I'll check the broken boy when we can be alone, it can wait. "Come on, I want you to meet my friend and the dorks that hang around her. Jem is here too!"

"Oh goodie, that idiot." His sarcastic reply makes me roll my eyes, but my good mood doesn't deflate any.

Pulling Micah in the roof, we're almost to the back where me and Jem usually wind up in the mornings when I'm bumped into from the side. Yelping with the impact only to realize I knocked someone's things out of their hands as I drag a folder behind me as I stumble.

"Watch where you're going," The boy snarls. "Freak."

"I'm so sorry!" I rush out, bending over and quickly grabbing his folder and book. "Here," I smile. "All fixed."

"You shouldn't have apologized." The now annoyed Micah grumbles, pulling me closer to him so I can't be bumped into again.

The smile falls from my face, "Why not?"

Jem, who jumps me from behind and wraps an arm around my neck to ruffle my hair. "Probably because he knows that when you smile at people like that they tend to like you a little too much, and assholes who treat people like you like that aren't the ones you want to have crushes on you."

"Nobody has a crush on me and certainly not because I just smiled at them!" I protest, but only get the 'you're stupid' look from Micah and a scoff from Jeremiah. 

"Come on AJ," Jem rolls his eyes at me. "There's a person for everyone."

"I don't believe it," I shrug, nudging him with my leg. "Some people are born alone, and they die alone. Some people never find love. That's life, for some. And I don't know why my life will look out but I could be one of those people who just never get the love others say they will. Nobody wants me, I wouldn't even want me!"

"Right," The broken boy drawls. "Nobody."

Though I give him a confused look, he doesn't explain so I give up and make him follow me to our spot. Meeting everyone goes quick, and the newbie to the group stays mostly silent, just observing our small group. It's clear that there's tension between him and Beck, who stays standing behind Jayden's chair like his best friend could stop the giant from attacking if he choose to.

Poking me in the cheek, Jem gives me a look making me shoot him one back. "What?"

"Are you okay now? I'm guessing you'll still need to go on a run after school. We can bring Micah, if that helps."

Instantly I agree, grinning at my best friend. 

The only thing Micah asks me, dark eyes saying something that I can't quite understand, is to show him around the school.

Doing so, I'm late to every class of the day and skip my third hour which is Micah's English class -but I manage to make it to lunch on time as I got to show Micah his locker before the cafeteria and going back to my locker to get my packed lunch. Usually I can't eat much, since my anxiety gets so big in such a crowded space so all I brought today is a salad wrap and a fruit bowl which consists of mangoes and strawberries.

Brushing through the crowd I'm lucky enough not to accidentally run into Drew, Warren or any of the Varsity Pommers. Getting to my table I frown at the lack of chairs, knowing that we usually have the perfect amount of chairs before I make the connection that now we have an extra person too.

"Jem?" I question, putting my lunch bag down between him and Micah. "Where am I sitting?"

"Aw gee, we didn't think of that." Beck sardonically says, not letting my best friend answer me. "The jocks took all the extra chairs around, guess you'll have to sit on my lap."

"Nice try Beck," Jem snaps, wrapping a arm around me and pulling me to sit on his chair with him -both of us getting half the seat. And this is why we're best friends. "She's with me."

"Thanks Jemmy!" Turning I ruffle his hair before opening up the container of fruit and sliding it over to Micah.

The broken boy instantly perks up at the sight of strawberries, and throws me a grin for this.

Suddenly I realize how fast my heart is beating, and the light flush on my cheeks.

Oh.

Oh no.

This isn't supposed to happen, it's not suppose to be this way. Why would my brain do me like this?

Honestly, who needs cocaine anyway? 

Human emotions can fuck someone up just as much.