CHAPTER FORTY-TWO: MEET-ME

Addictions are an attempt to numb out from the heartache and stress that come hand and hand with struggle.
-Mary O'Malley

The way she tricked me into behaving so well for her was to get me to compromise with her without her actually doing anything.

It would be like someone saying, "Come on, meet me in the middle." so you take two steps forward. But then they step back and they say it again and again until you're in a place of conformity. Until you've walked a mile without getting anywhere for yourself, but you still want to be nice, you still want to meet that person in the middle and compromise.

Blatantly said like that it's easy for people who haven't experienced this to say "Then just stop walking." or "Why didn't you learn after the second time they did it?" and expect us to be like "Ah yes! You're right, I should have just stopped walking and realized it. Thank you." After the fact and looking back, I always would realize things she did to me. When you're in the situation and it's so close to you you can't see what's really happening to you, and even if you could when you're being abused it's hard to stand up to the person who's abusing you. Especially when if you just conform you'll get a better outcome, less pain.

When me and her were best friends I would dream about being the person who stands up to someone like her and starts a revolution but in reality I was scared to ask her if it's alright to go home early.

"Stop acting crazy, June." Is the first thing that comes out of her mouth.

Gulping, I clutch onto Micah's shirt as I struggle to stand my ground. "I've never been sane."

She laughs, "You've been sane, you're just fractured. Broken. Stained. I made more than sure of that, you can never be normal again."

"Normal is, is, is overrated."

Why am I even arguing? I can't win against her, she's right.

I am broken. Stained. Ruined. Worthless. Stupid.

We both know it, we both also know I'm just pretending every time I think or say different.

The worst thing she did wasn't hitting me, it wasn't letting me hurt myself, it wasn't helping me become an addict.

It was the emotional abuse.

It's when she would hurt me, and any time I expressed any feeling, told her I was upset, she turned it around to be something I did to hurt her and force me to apologize for it. Say sorry for my feelings. My feelings were rendered invalid, were silenced.

Being emotionally abused made me pretty defensive about being told what to do but at the same time it made it hard for me to do things without someone telling me that it's okay to do them. I didn't want to misbehave, to get into trouble but I did want to rebel.

It damaged my ability to trust, my wanting to ever have a relationship, have friends. It made me scared to have real feelings, because she always used my feelings against me. I can't let her do that anymore.

I have to remember that I've earned that right, I've earned the right to be kind and smile and laugh. I've worked for it. I have a PhD and a job, I'm not too stupid to function. I help people, so how worthless can I be? Jem is my best friend, so I must not be as ruined as she thinks she made me. Micah, he...loves me, so even if I am stained he doesn't give a shit.

"I'm c-capable of so much, of giving love," The snicker she had building in the back of her throat cuts off at this. "Something, something you can't do."

Her blue eyes blaze up with anger, "I do love you and I've never hurt you June," Her velvet voice almost comes out like a snap, making me hold my breath. "Not once."

The problem I have with pain, is that she can't feel what's she's given me, I can't physically share it with her and nobody can tell just what I'm going through.

But I guess that's not so much a problem, as mercy.

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to fucking decide that you didn't." Micah snarls, green eyes so dark that they're not green anymore.

Like this, he look terrifyingly similar to the demon in my dreams.

It's in Micah's nature to stay in the corner of a room and just observe, but right now Micah wasn't having any of that.

Like the stupid coward I am, I stay hidden in the broken boy's arms.

She scans us both before smirking, standing tall, almost regal as she takes out a remote. Before either of us can react, the chain holding onto Micah's leg is pulled into the wall -I'm let go as he falls with a loud thump to the ground -ankle in the air.

I would scream if she didn't push me against the wall, hard, hands on my side and shoulder.

And suddenly the dull pain in my side becomes a angry, red-hot agony that made breathing seem like an impossibly difficult task.

My entire mind clouded over with the pain, my vision blurry. I didn't know what was happening, only that I was in pain, but my legs kept fumbling around and it was starting to annoy me.

There was an antagonizing silky voice in the background, snickering, but all the words just merge together in a hazy white noise.

Eventually I come too, and I'd call what spills from my lips drool if it wasn't red. My eyesight has returned almost in full but the upset in my stomach is ten times worse and it feels like my head is splitting in half.

Sometimes suffering is just suffering.

It doesn't make someone stronger, doesn't serve a purpose, doesn't build character. We've destroyed ourselves and betrayed ourselves for nothing.

Because all it does is hurt.

It isn't drugs that addicts have the hardest time giving up.

It's misery.

Pain, it was debilitating. It made my knees crumble and breath clog my throat, unable to fight back.

But then she left where she was leaning over me and went over to my Micah and kicked him in the side.

Then it wasn't pain, but rage, that filled my body.

Taking me out of my restraints was a mistake.

Because I'm not soft.

And I can fight.

Ignoring my ankle, I push myself off the wall and tackle her making her yelp. Scrambling for it, I manage to wrestle the remote from her. My heart is pound, pound, pounding away in my chest and I feel as though I might throw up.

Fighting back, she hits me across the face but I punch her back, square in the nose, and hear a solid crack! sound out like a bullet. She bleeds but I don't care and hit her again over her ear, making her mouth open but no sound goes out.

Then Micah- -without me noticing he was able to grab the remote where I dropped it and get himself to me- -quite unexpectedly grabs her by the back of the head and slams her into the wall opposite of me.

She doesn't get up after that.

It shocks me.

"I don't like hitting women, but that bitch deserved it." The demon says, voice cruel. "You did good."

"Thanks Babe." I breathe out, holding myself against the wall. All I can do is stare at her, how she's crumbled against the floor. "She's not dead, right?"

"I don't know." Micah's voice changed, not to one of regret but something else that's explicitly guilt and hope. He's a strong guy and when it comes to our brains and the damage it takes, that's the kind that can do damage.

"It doesn't matter, you need to go."

"Excuse me?" My head snaps over to him, breath catching in my throat. "There's just a 'we' here, not just one of us. I can...I can find the key, for your ankle. Just make sure she doesn't come after me."

How could he think that I would leave him?

There wasn't anger in his eyes anymore, just a dark, heroic, sadness. "He's still up there AJ, I can hear him moving around. If you leave as fast as you can then you can escape. You can get safe."

"No, no."

I can't help it, I cry.

"Baby," The demon holds my face in his hands, green eyes flicking through my own. "I need you to be safe. I'd rather die in here than you never get out, I'm not worth it."

Vision blurry, I shake my head. "I can't. I can't leave you like this, it's not right. You are worth it, I deserve to be happy with you. You need to be safe too, don't...don't ask me that. I can't take it, don't make me give up on you. Stop flinching!"

He's silent for a while, just holding me as I cry.

Then those beautiful green eyes spark to life, surprising me enough that I pull away. "W-what?"

A wicked grin pulls at his lips, "I have a plan."