Loving isn't always a soft caress, or the gentle pulse of the tide, that washes up in your heart and leaves behind beautiful mysteries for you to indulge in. Love isn't always the sweet surrender of one's soul to another; the merging of two polar beings; a connection that amid all of the nonsense of life, makes sense in its inexplicable randomness.

Love is just as complex as the people that fall for it.

Love is, at times, a raging fire that leaves behind soiled carcasses in its wake.

It is a sad sickness that robs you of your ability to cry.

It is when you wake up at 3 am and can just feel the ache in your heart, that longs for the warmth of another body beside you in the cold, empty sheets.

And then, after you think you have escaped the viscid webs, love will linger in the back of your mind, in the pit of your stomach. The tide will recede, and the fire will burn out, only for the smallest of things to call upon them again, to summon the love that you thought you had buried deep within yourself.

And you will be taken under once more.

****

Cold fingers trembled as they rummaged through the contents of her purse as she searched for her set of keys. The wind violently caressed the ends of her hair, the strands whipping her cheeks, and the sun that had been hidden behind the grey clouds for most of the day, was now settling on the horizon, a dull orange glow illuminating the sky. Her mind was as much of a mess as her purse, and it was hard to even remember where she was.

All she could think about was the warm presence of the person who stood a few feet behind her. His hands were buried in his coat pockets, and the merciless wind took its toll on his long curls as well. The cab ride had been silent and uncomfortable, the tension thick in the cramped space of the back seat where they sat with a good distance between them. It wasn't that they didn't want to be near each other, in fact it was quite the opposite; neither Carmen nor Harry trusted their eager hands, which were desperate to touch each other's skin and set their bodies aflame.

Her fingers felt the cool metal and wrapped around the pair of keys. She tucked her untamed hair behind her ear and the keys clang together as she opened the door.

The lights flickered on as she stepped inside, not looking behind her to see if her... company was following. As she heard the quiet thud of his boots against the wood floor, it was clear that he was.

"It's a bit small but I quite like living here," her voice uttered softly. Carmen placed her purse on the small table by the door, and finally turned her head just enough to steal a glance at the tall, brooding man. He stood just in front of the doorway, his hands still hidden in the pockets of his coat, and his eyes wandering around the small apartment. The place gave off a cozy, homey ambiance, the sweet scent of vanilla (Carmen made it a habit to light a few candles around the place every night) lingering in the air and a subtle warmth that enveloped their bodies. Harry began to shrug his coat off his shoulders.

"Here, let me hang that up for you," Carmen offered, like a polite hostess, and reached out for the coat as it slid off his broad back.

Their hands brushed against each other, skin against skin, as she grasped the coat. It was like a flood of relief washed through them; how many nights had they both laid awake in bed, fabricating the feel of the other one's skin against their own?

Too many nights.

Harry watched her with an unwavering gaze as she went to the small closet and hung his coat up inside. He watched as her shirt lifted up slightly as she reached her arms up, the soft skin over her hips being revealed to him. The reminiscing taste of her silky skin flooded his taste buds, and he wanted nothing more than to taste it again.

"Would you like some tea?" her angelic voice caused his eyes to finally blink. His fingers prodded through his hair, and he nodded his head shortly. He couldn't find it in him to say anything just yet; his thoughts were loud enough and he didn't want to voice what he was thinking until the right moment.

Carmen sauntered into the kitchen. It was large enough, better than the one in her father's place back in London. She opened up one of the cupboards, leaning up on her toes to grab the box of tea bags. Chamomile. She remembered it to be Harry's favorite.

She didn't have to look behind her to know that Harry had walked over to the counter and was leaning against it, his eyes burning through her as she began to boil a kettle of water over the stove. She forced herself not to look at him, not knowing what she might do if she were to see his handsome face in the dim lighting of the kitchen. His jaw would be enhanced, his eyes glowing a brilliant emerald green...

"Do you like milk in your tea?" her voice muttered as she placed a tea bag in a mug, breaking through the thick silence. Her eyes finally drifted towards him, and as soon as the green orbs met hers, the oxygen seemed to flee her lungs. Harry's hand lurched forward, grabbing hold of her wrist tightly.

"Cut the bullshit, Carmen. I have questions that need answers, that's the only reason I am here. You are going to answer me truthfully, understood? I can tell when you're lying." His voice was low, but soft. The venom she had expected to be in it was replaced by sufferance. It tugged painfully at her heart.

She wanted to remind him of the many times she had lied to his face, and he hadn't ever realized it, but instead she nodded her head. His fingers dug into the fragile flesh of her wrist, turning the nearly translucent skin a pinkish color.

Her dark eyes gazed at his lips, the pair of rosy and chapped lips that she loved to feel on her skin. The lips parted.

"Wait-" she pressed her finger against them, silencing the words that were about to escape. "Before you ask me anything, I want to ask you something." She swallowed thickly as his eyes, the pupils full blown, peered down at her with such intensity it made the palms of her hands become clammy.

"Why are you in New York?"

She dropped her hand to her side so his lips were free to speak.

"Business," he replied simply, eyes unblinking. "I'm planning to invest in a company that is stationed here. My sister wanted to come so I had no choice but let her. She called it 'family bonding' or some shit."

Sister? That made sense. Thinking back to the girl he had been sitting with, Carmen recalled the similar rosy lips and cheekbones that resembled Harry vaguely. Involuntarily, a sigh of relief escaped her lips; the thought of Harry moving on was a very hard concept to accept.

"My turn," Harry muttered, his grip on her wrist not loosening in even the slightest. He stared at her silently for a moment, still not quite comprehending that she was indeed real, and not another image concocted in his mind to haunt him.

She was real, and he wasn't entirely sure if he was happy about it.

"How did it feel," his nostrils flared to take in a breath, "to listen to me pour my heart out to you? Let me guess-" Harry snickered quietly. "It was probably the most pathetic thing you had ever seen."

"Harry, no-"

He gave her wrist a harsh squeeze and then let go of it. Carmen flinched visibly and wrapped her fingers around the now bruised wrist. "It was exactly what you wanted to hear though, huh? You wanted me to fall for you like some love sick fool," he practically spat in her face. "And I did, Carmen. Fuck me if I didn't love you with my entire being. I loved you eight months ago-"

He cupped her face in his hands, the gentle action contrasting with the harshness of his voice. His hot, heavy breath fanned over her lips and she couldn't help but gaze into his eyes, even though her mind was screaming at her to look away, to not let the fire rage within her again. But it was too late, the flame had already ignited.

"And even though I shouldn't, I still do. I still love you."

And then their lips molded together in a heated, furious kiss. Eight months of restrained anger and longing was breathed between them, their teeth clanking together as their mouths parted, letting one another in. Harry fought his warm tongue with hers, showing her the pain she caused him, and giving her a taste of what he had felt eight months ago, when he had stood there in the cold with a hole punctured through his tender heart.

His hand moved to grasp the back of her neck, where he used to be able tangle it in her long hair, and pulled her body impossibly closer to his. It was like the raging waves were flooding through both of them once again, as they drowned in each other's warmth. Her nimble hands wound around his shoulders, fingertips digging into his flesh through the fabric of his shirt, feeling the heat of his skin.

"The tea," she mumbled into his mouth reluctantly. Harry simply grunted in response, and reached his hand over to turn off the stove, their lips not disconnecting for even a second.

His large hands found the soft curves of her waist as he began to guide them blindly down the short hallway. Carmen reached her hand out to feel against the wall so she could sense where they were going, and then tugged on the fabric of his shirt when they reached the door to her bedroom.

Their movements were feverish, just as eager to feel each other as they had been that night in the limo. There was no thought put into anything, only instinct; their fingertips felt around each other's bodies aimlessly, and their tongues danced together to an old but well remembered rhythm.

Harry pushed her gently down on the bed. The room was dark except for the opalescent glow of moonlight that pooled in from the window, so they were able to see each other's flushed faces when they finally broke away from the kiss, heavy pants escaping both of their swollen pairs of lips.

"We shouldn't be doing this," Carmen said with no conviction in her lust-laced voice. Harry's body hovered over hers, the long strands of his hair falling over his forehead.

"Shut up," his lips sealed over hers once more to quiet her. Rough fingertips probed under the hem of her shirt, desperate to feel her satiny skin, and travelled up further until they felt the lace of her bra. Carmen's soft whimpers filled Harry's mouth as his hands unclasped the bra and began to knead her full breasts.

"I need you, Harry," she chanted, letting go of every protest that her conscious was screaming at her. "I need you, I need you, I need you." Carmen tangled her hand in his thick forest of hair, prodding his scalp and eliciting a throaty moan to rupture from deep within his chest. His lips puckered over her soft skin, leaving wet kisses along the gentle curve of her collarbones and down to the valley of her breasts.

"I've missed you so much," his voice moaned against her skin, making goosebumps form under his cracked lips. He took her hard nipple in his mouth and flicked his tongue over the dark bud, with his hand roughly massaging her other breast. The rawest form of love and lust fueled his touch; he had dreamt of this night after night, laying in his bed with nothing but the pillow to act as his companion.

Harry Styles had never gone longer than a month without sex, and yet he had managed to endure eight months without her. The thought of being with another woman to fill the void hadn't even come across his mind, for it would've been to painful to look in the emotionless eyes as he fucked them, and wish that they were the dark, cold ones that he loved so much.

"C-condom," she panted, her mind turning to thoughtless mush as his tongue continued its assault on the sensitive bud of nerves. Her hand tugged in his hair, her body desperate to feel him inside her, where she needed him most.

Harry reluctantly lifted up his head, his plump lips parted to let out ragged breaths which blew over her exposed chest, making her whimper quietly. "You're on birth control, though." He began to kick off his jeans, while his hands went to work tugging Carmen's skirt down her legs.

Her head shook from side to side. "Not anymore."

The clothes on their bodies were now discarded, carelessly tossed to the floor. Harry settled his hips snug against hers, a low hum vibrating through him; they were truly the perfect fit.

"I'll pull out," he breathed, his mind too focused on the way her smooth body felt against the hard planes of his chest. Every curve and edge and scar, he loved each detail of her. Even the parts of her that were broken.

Even the parts of her that could never be fixed.

Soon enough, they were one again. Their bodies molded together to create a beautifully scarred puzzle, and moans of relief echoed through the room.

No words were exchanged. Harry buried his face in the crook if her neck, surrounding himself in her divine scent, the sweet combination of almond and lavender that he had missed so much during the past eight months. Carmen's hands pressed against his back as he thrusted deeply into her, her nails scraping the skin lightly.

It was the best feeling in the world, to have the man she loved and longed for on top of her, his sweaty skin against hers and his hair tickling the skin of her neck. Her memory had done his size no justice, for she could feel him stretch her out in the most painfully satisfying way possible.

"Carmen," Harry moaned, his breath hot over her sensitive skin.

There were no thoughts of regret running through her mind as he moaned into her neck and slammed his hips against hers. She couldn't think about how stupid it was to give into him after all these months of trying to separate herself from the love she had for this beautiful and angry man. Not even Carmen Vicino had the strength to deny Mr. Harry Styles.

Carmen arched her back off the mattress, the soft swells of her breasts melting into his chest.

They moaned together, a primal sound of need and satisfaction of finally being together again, even if there were still cracks and broken pieces in their relationship.

"Shit," he hissed in pleasure and spilled himself into her, giving her every ounce of himself. No matter how much pain this woman had continuously caused him, Harry would never be able to break away from her. She truly owned him, all of him.

Carmen clenched around him as she reached her high. Her mind was filled with overwhelming ecstasy, and her nails dug deeper into the warm skin of his back. Her eyelids fell shut, letting her delve in a state of pleasure. It was so different than what she remembered, now that she had been away from him for so long, and also since that was the first time they had been together when they both felt mutual love. Of course, Harry was still pitifully unaware of Carmen's true feelings.

His head laid on her chest as they both inhaled deep, quick breaths.

"That.. that didn't mean anything," Harry panted as he pulled out of her and sat up. He laced his fingers through his hair. "I'm still mad at you. I just needed to get off," he partly lied. He was still furious with her, how could he not be? But the sex had meant more to him than anything. They were finally reconnected.

Carmen nodded and grasped the bed sheets, pulling them over her bare body. A moment of silence passed by, neither of them knowing what to say. The regret was staring to sink in Carmen's mind as she caught her breath and came down from her high.

"How could you leave me?" Harry finally asked, his voice not much louder than a whisper. His hand reached out to brush over her cheek, which was slightly damp with sweat.

"I did it for you," she answered, her voice coming out strong despite the nervous pit in her stomach. Her eyes averted from his. "And for myself, I guess."

She inhaled a heavy breath, her mind still numb from everything that had happened so suddenly in the past few hours. The taste of him still lingered on her tongue, so it was hard to focus much on her thoughts, let alone voice them to the one man she swore she would keep them from.

"Harry," Carmen fumbled with a thread on the sheet. "You deserve to be loved by someone who is kind and gentle a-and not so broken. You deserve so much more than I am able to offer you, just like your mother said."

"My mother? No. Don't even mention her, Carmen." His lips etched into a frown, and he pushed the hair off his forehead. "She has no place in this conversation. I want you to tell me why you did all the shit that you did."

"Because Harry!" She shouted suddenly and raised up from the bed, the white sheet draped over her body like a makeshift gown. "I am a fucked up person, okay? What more do you want from me? You were right before. I loved seeing you be so pathetically obsessed with me because it was entertaining. The sex was nice, sure, but that's it." Her teeth gritted together to keep the truth hidden in her throat, and she looked away from him.

"No," Harry's nostrils flared. "You're lying. You're lying to me and yourself. Just a few minutes ago you were saying how much you needed me! That doesn't sound like a girl who was just in it for the 'entertainment'."

"I'm a good liar. The best, actually," she smirked coldly at him and for a moment, Harry doubted himself. "You should know that by now."

"Shut the fuck up!" He stood from the bed, naked and all, and towered over her, his height making her shrink back against the wall. "If I had known you would just spew this bullshit, I wouldn't have come. It's been eight months, Carmen. The last time I saw you, we were at your father's place after I had held a goddamn gun to his head. Don't you think it's a little too late to give me this shit? I know more about you than anyone does, don't fucking deny it. I know why you left-" He pointed his finger viciously in her face. "You left because you were fucking scared. You were scared of your feelings for me and you were scared that I wouldn't love you anymore after finding out about who you really are. Just fucking admit it. Tell the truth for once in your life."

Salty tears accumulated in her eyes and her fingertips dabbed them away. "You don't understand," her voice cracked and she struggled to keep her knees from buckling. "You will never understand and that's why I left."

"Understand what?" Harry muttered softly and bit the inside of his cheek. He had almost forgotten how painful it was to see her cry. "You have never given me the chance to understand, Carmen. You kept everything a secret from me, you would run away when anything ever got too much for you- fuck, you even cried while we were having sex one time! And I understood that you needed space and time to figure everything out, but you didn't even try. You gave up and left before things got too difficult, huh?"

"Yes!" She threw her arms up, cheeks flushed and her hair curling against her damp skin. "I left because I didn't know how to deal with everything. I needed time to- to figure myself out because God knows I have never been able to that. We both needed time, don't you understand? You were just as confused about everything as me. I wanted you to realize that you could do so much better than me."

"How can you fucking say that?" His voice was frantic because he could see the certainty in her eyes; she actually believed he deserved better than her? "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Sure, you screwed me over more times than I can count, but you also made me feel something that I have never felt before. I love you, Carmen. I can't stand here and say that I have moved on and that I hate you, because none of that is true. I haven't been able to even look at other women the same. I'm so fucking in love with you, please baby. Please come back to me."

His hands wound around the back of her neck and attempted to being her lips to his, but she pulled away.

"Come back to you?" Carmen shook her head solemnly. "No. I belong here, in New York."

"You belong with me."

"I don't, Harry. I don't belong with anyone. You..." her breath became shaky, "You belong with a beautiful woman who can be your wife and take care of you the way you deserve."

Harry's face fell and she could feel her insides churning, making her deeply nauseous. She should have never brought him here and slept with him... She should have gotten in the cab with Barbara and left.

"You need to leave now," her voice was cold and it made Harry's fists ball up at his sides. "It was nice seeing you again, but I am not leaving New York, Harry. I love you, and I am doing this for you."

His face paled.

The words he was desperate to hear her say, now made him his clutch his stomach.

"You... you love me?" he whispered in shock, feeling like his ears had betrayed him. How could she love him, and yet continue to twist the knife around she had impaled in his heart?

Carmen breathed heavily and nodded. The tears were now mercilessly streaming down her cheeks, but they were silent, like she had already accepted the lost potential in their love.

"I do. I love you, Harry." She caressed his cheek, her smooth fingertips stroking his temple, and leaned her head upward to kiss his lips softly. He could taste the saltiness of her tears and soon enough, the taste was mixed with his own tears.

"I have to stay here," she whispered against his lips, their hot breaths entwining.

Harry swallowed hard. His heart was beating so rapidly in his chest he feared it would make his ribs crack. Staring into the dark eyes of the girl he loved, the girl he hadn't seen in months, the girl who broke his heart; he couldn't do anything but nod his head in acceptance. Carmen Vicino was a beautiful, untamed vixen who could never be caged. He had to let her live the life she envisioned for herself, her life here in New York.

He let out a breath. "Okay."

*****

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THERE IS ONE MORE CHAPTER AFTER THIS :)

ily and if you haven't yet, go read my other story Salutary!!!