Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder if I was born in the wrong era.
I'm homesick for my grandmother

And her house

And the smell

And the vibes

And I wish I could jump back in time through a photo and stay.

I want to find a home that's as warm and welcoming one day.
But not just the home,
I want to be the thing that's warm.

And I'm not.

I'm cold.

I see who I am,
And my childhood self would be disappointed.

"Why don't you play with your kids?"
She'd ask.
"Why do you stress over every little thing?
You never cared to make your bed as a kid
And now if it's not made it ruins your day?
Why are you so quick to anger
And so slow to play?
Why don't you invite your little ones
Into your spaces?
Why don't you go outside
And paint
And sing
And bake?
Where are the play dates?
Why aren't you happy?"

And I don't know how to answer her.
"I'm tired,"
I'd tell her.
"My head hurts and my eyes twitch
And my body aches
And I'm all touched out.
I see the laundry
The chores to be done
And the baby needs to be put on her crib."

"But why are you rushing through it all?" She'd say. "Don't you know it's gone in a blink? You're homesick for a time you'll never get back, yet this is what your daughters will be homesick for — one day. Make it count."

My heart aches at that. Because she's right.
Lord, oh Lord, help me not to be so up tight.
Help me to invite my children into life with me.
Help me not to be afraid to take them outside.
Help me to engage with them, to have play dates, to love this little life.

God, I keep waiting for tomorrow—
As if once I have a bigger house then I can grow our family. Or once I do this or that or whatever— but the moment is now.

And sometimes I can break through this fog and see the big picture,
I can see that my family is all I can take with me into heaven.
That nothing else on this planet or in this life matters.
That loving You, Jesus, and stewarding these gifts and enjoying them is what really matters.

Lord, forgive me. I am so quick to waste a day.
I am so quick to be ready for tomorrow.
I forget that soon, right now, I'll be homesick for.

I'll never come back to this moment for real,
Only in my memories will I be rocking Hallie to sleep on my chest. The dimly lit room. My shirt soaked from her drool. Nellie's voice traveling over the sound machine as she pleads with her daddy to stay awake longer.

I know time is going to be ripped from me—
These days are fleeting.
So what on earth am I doing
Rushing through them like this?

God, shift my focus.
Every day.
Shift my focus.

My family is my mission.
If who I am in the home doesn't please You,
The who I am outside of the home doesn't matter.

Help me to be the mother my younger self,
Child Kira,
Would run up to and love.

Help me make her proud.
Amen.