Chapter Twenty-One: Realisation

   My thoughts were still a mess as we appeared; the energy it took for me to magic myself here with him was too much for my already drained mind that I collapsed into his embrace.

   ‘... she’ll be safer here knowing she has you around to protect her in a way I could never compete with,’ I heard Delrand’s dimmed voice in my still-throbbing head.

   ‘She deserves more than my protection in times like these, I owe more than you think. I haven’t exactly made it easy for her at times,’ Lancelot’s voice followed the half-sentence of Delrand’s.

   ‘That is only for you to decide, I owe you much for what you’ve done for her.’ I stirred myself awake, pushing aside whatever lay across me (it turned out to be a blanket). Just as Lancelot was about to reply to Delrand’s confession, I opened my eyes enough to see him close his mouth and they both looked over at me from the far side of the room. My brain was banging against my skull that it stopped me taking in any other details as my eyes clamped closed with the pain. I pressed the base of my palm to my temple to relieve the pain. My body then gave way and I fell back down onto the soft mattress beneath me, (I only assumed I was in my bed, at Camelot).

   His footsteps bounced off the walls around me, sending vibrations through my already hammering head. It hurt and I wanted to hit him, whichever one it was. I put up with throwing a pillow at the space I could sense he was in at that brief moment. The deep chuckling bounced off the walls as well and it didn’t help either. The pillow hit my face and I had had enough. All I wanted was to have some peace and quiet, was that too much to ask for. Though my complaint got lost on the way to my mouth as his lips caressed mine firmly, easing the pain inside me. I threw my arms round his neck not knowing which one it was; I hadn’t kissed Lancelot in awhile to build any true comparison... I stopped there and panicked, pulling away (launching myself to the other side of the bed) from him with wide eyes and shock planted on my features.

   Only then did I recognise Delrand’s form before me, sitting patiently on the bed’s edge. I looked up towards where I’d heard their voices. Lancelot stood there, shoulders forward, head bowed. I tilted my head to the side to catch his attention. His head lifted up, his eyes then raised and I saw the heartache I had left him with the day I made my intentions towards Delrand clear to him. I knew what was going on inside him; how his emotions were playing around inside his head. What it must be like for him to see me kiss Delrand so passionately when he held feelings towards me so strongly; so strong that every day he saw us together he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him, rather that than suffer taking the pain of seeing me with another man who I loved more than he could ever imagine, more than he could ever understand.

   All that rushed through my thoughts within about two seconds. I looked back at Delrand, who hadn’t taken his eyes off me during my recognition. He was smiling gently as he always did, but the pounding still resonated inside my head and my eyes closed to block out the bright lights of the room.

   ‘Elara, what’s wrong?’ Even his voice caused the banging to increase slightly.

   ‘It hurts so much, I can’t bear it for much longer. Get rid of it, please!’ I shouted out my plea to him though he sat a mere foot away from me.

   ‘Alright, come here.’ I shuffled back to him, without opening my eyes. ‘Ready?’ I nodded, that did not help my agony. ‘Good.’ His fingers lay on my temples and I felt the pain rush out like a stream down a small fall. It was soothing and the empty space it left behind was one of relief and bliss. ‘Better?’

   ‘Yes, much, thank you,’ I replied, opening my eyes. The bright light of the candles did not strain my eyes as it did when I first opened them.

   ‘My pleasure. Now will you tell me what happened in your vision?’ I was only half listening to him, I had looked back over at Lancelot who had taken a few paces towards me as Delrand had relinquished my pain for me. Delrand looked over his shoulder then quickly looked back at me as though Lancelot was no problem. My head was firmly in his hands, which he hadn’t removed from my cheeks. I began to open my mouth then decided better, closed it and looked away, eyes closed sorrowfully. ‘I see you’re not ready to yet. It can wait, I’ll...’

   ‘No, it cannot wait. The sooner we know what he’s done to her, the better we can prepare against what he is planning.’ I watched Lancelot without lifting my head, his hand had dropped to the hilt of his sword while he spoke (it usually meant he was ready to go into a fight no matter the outcome).

   ‘If she’s not ready, I will not force her into giving in,’ Delrand retaliated, standing up, facing Lancelot, defensively in front of me. ‘It can wait and it will.’ His words were harsh as he spoke them.

   ‘Stop, please, both of you. This isn’t time for bickering amongst ourselves as you just said yourself, Lancelot. We can deal with it later but for now I need to talk to you about something, both of you.’ I stopped with heavy expectation that they may not agree to my deal. Meanwhile, Delrand had turned around as I’d begun speaking to them from behind his back. He looked at me with disappointed eyes and limp arms, as though to say this is a bad idea. I decided it best if he could hear me secretly, so I opened my mind to him only realising that I had it blocked. It’s about time we sort this out, the problem between you two.

   The problem is not between us. We both care for you, deeply; the problem is that you still cannot find it in yourself to break all your feelings towards him that it makes it hard on the both of us when all three of us are in the same place together. That is why I don’t very much like coming here with you and try to keep us as far away from him as I can. It is not because I have any dislike towards Lancelot, it is because I know it will help him better the less he sees of you. The more of you he sees the more his feelings will exist as they are and it will become very unlikely that he could ever find it in him to let you go. I know this because it is how I would want it to be if it was the other way round for us. Can you understand why I have a problem with you wanting to sort it out? The answer is simple enough that you cannot see it clearly unless you were put in that position first-hand. Though I don’t myself, I can at least feel empathy for him as I get a hint of how it all seems through his eyes. He stopped his long, mind-opening explanation and looked at me with great appreciation, that I would take in what he said and forget about talking about the problem with them (or at least not today).

   I see the real problem, thank you. His head bowed very unnoticeably. But it seems that the sooner we talk it through the better we can all get along properly, as friends and lovers and nothing in between, where it hurts the most. He similarly shook his head as he had bowed it. I pointed my eyes towards Lancelot then straight back to Delrand, he knew what I meant by the gesture. ‘Can we all just settle down for the time being. I’m sure everything will turn out better once we know what we need from you, Elara. For now I shall be downstairs if you need me, there’s something I must deal with, alone by myself.’ He walked to the door and slipped out into the corridor and down the hall.

   I listened to his footsteps until they faded out. I couldn’t find it in myself to look over at him (Lancelot) but I stood up and went over to my table. Once sat, I picked up my brush and brushed away the knots that had encompassed throughout my hair. However, even my fidgeting did not help me forget about the feeling I got underneath my skin. The one I always got when someone was looking at me from behind. ‘You have something to say to me, Lancelot?’ I asked, softly to help him feel less uncomfortable being in here with me.

   ‘He left to leave us alone?’ His question seemed very forward but I answered.

   ‘I asked him too but if you wish to go, I won’t stop you. Please take a seat.’ He walked over to the chair (I did not have to look in the mirror to sense that) and slunk into it. A minute or so passed before he decided to speak again.

   ‘You do know how I feel?’ His voice was low and full of seclusion. I hated what I had done to him, but I could not simply pull my feelings from Delrand and so easily place them onto himself. Nothing seemed simple or easy anymore, not since I found out what I was destined to be (along side my blood inheritance).

   ‘I do, but I cannot help what you feel,’ I said as simply as I could manage. I kept my back turned to him to make it easier on the both of us while we talked.

   ‘I hate how you talk together so privately in your minds, it makes me feel unwanted and shunted aside, especially by you. Why must you continue to do that?’

   ‘Because sometimes there are things I wish to say to him, yet I know if you hear them you will be hurt more. Is that what you want of me, Lancelot? To hurt you?’ I dropped my eyes to my lap and began to wonder what he was after.

   ‘It would help me more than seeing you trying to protect me as you do. It will help me thin-out my feelings to you, help me cope with the pain I feel seeing you with him. I do not wish for you to change your feelings around between the two of us, I want you happy though I cannot call you mine. I just need you to help me take my feelings off you, it will take time and, yes, it will hurt me but it is what I’m asking of you, I will beg if I must; just please, help me by hurting me more than you really want to, more than you can even bare to think of doing.’ As he spoke, I had turned in my seat and looked into his eyes, though he kept his gaze to the floor between his feet. He was resting his chin on his raised, entwined hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

   ‘I cannot promise you anything, Lancelot, not if it is to do with you and me and how you feel. I cannot help what you feel for me, it is what free will is all about and I vowed never to take that from a single living soul, that includes you.’ I was despairing every moment of this. It hurt for me to decline his request but I could not afford to hurt him more than I had done, if only he could understand the position I was in. The decisions I had to make weren’t known by either him or Delrand. ‘You say that me hurting you will be better than me hiding the things that will hurt you. Though you ask I cannot find it in me to do it. I would hate to see you hurt, ever, especially by my own hand. Please do not make me do this.’ I paused then decided to say no more.

   ‘Like I said I will beg if I must,’ he simply replied to my explanation. At that I bowed my head and tapped my fingers against the back of my chair from where they lay upon. I knew now that no matter what I said he would not listen. I hummed a couple notes, stood up then walked to the door. ‘You wish for me to go?’ he asked from behind me; I had not looked at him since I bowed my head while sat in my seat.

   ‘No, I am merely going downstairs. You may come if you wish or stay here or go somewhere else, I do not mind but do not hesitate to know I will not rule your decisions anymore, Captain,’ I added his title on the end for certain measure and also to ‘help’ slightly, as he had asked.

   His footsteps pounded on my floor as he paced over to me quickly. He grabbed my upper arms and turned me to him. His eyes were filled with anger, sadness and subtle despair and grief. I looked away; I could not bare the sight of the ever deepening hurt I was causing him. ‘Please, Elara, I’m pleading now. Hurt me, break me, make me go, make me leave, tell me to never come back, to never see or speak to you again.’ My head spun round in shock at his words. My mouth hung loosely, my eyes beheld disbelief at what he was saying. His grip on my arms tightened and my hands began to grow steadily numb from lack of blood.

   ‘Let go, Lancelot, you’re hurting me.’ He tightened his grip even more, meanwhile his eyes grew more angry at me. ‘Please, let go.’ He didn’t relinquish his hold on me. I steadily grew desperate as I could no longer feel my fingers though I knew I was twitching them. My hands shot up and threw his arms away from me. ‘Leave me!’ I shouted. ‘You’ve gone too far and I’ve had enough. Your love for me is a waste and you need to stop dwelling on it.’ I noticed how he stepped back from me as I shouted and started to advance on him. I used all of my authority that I had always kept built up and locked away inside of me. Now was a chance to show what I was capable of when giving orders or demands. I reached behind me and pulled my door wide open, as wide as it would go. I pointed out into the corridor as I began to speak again. ‘Get out! Leave and never come back, never speak to me again. I’ve had enough of trying to convince you that I do not love you how you so wish me to. Go, now!’ He began to step slowly towards me. I stepped aside and allowed him space to step through the door. Hearing his footsteps no more, I breathed deeply and walked onto my balcony. I breathed in the sweet air and looked over the land, my eyes trailed to the hills and the trees of the part of the forest I could see from here. The few birds that flew in the sky trailed over the distant landscape and I looked back down onto the highest hill top. Remembering Delrand would be waiting for me somewhere downstairs, I grabbed my cloak and ran to him.

   Sure enough, he was waiting for me, by the old oak doors that led from inside to the Entrance Hall. Pacing over to him, I let my head hang loose on my neck and my eyes watch the floor before me as I walked over. Stopping beside him, I slowly looked up and saw that he looked very concerned of how I was suddenly acting or, rather, concerned of my body language. Right now, however, I was less concerned about what he was thinking but more concerned about what he’d been thinking while Lancelot and I were talking (or arguing, not that he knew).

   ‘Elara, how are you?’ he asked, the concern running in his voice. Looking up into his eyes, I let my worries drain into my eyes as he looked back so I didn’t have to speak. ‘Ah, not as good as you had hoped then. I understand, it must be hard on you both. I…’

   ‘Delrand, please, just let it rest,’ I interrupted him. I was not in the mood for his sympathy right now, nor was I ready for him to start explaining how he could possibly understand how and what I was feeling at this moment in time. His mouth clamped shut just as he reached out his hand to mine; I willingly took it with my own and he gestured for us to walk outside. Allowing me to make the first step was a bit more gentlemanly of him than I was expecting, but gladly I stepped out into the night (as that was the phase of day) and he followed my lead. We stepped out into the light of the moon and he just let me wonder wherever.

   The first place that came to mind was the stables and eventually I found myself surrounded by the familiar smell of horses, hay and manure. I let go of Delrand’s hand and continued to walk over to Rose’s pen. Unlocking it and stepping inside, she swung her head round to look at me then gently nuzzled my shoulder with her nose. I stroked her neck and felt her skin shiver under my touch.

   ‘Ssshhh, girl. It’s me. Yes, I know, it seems to have been awhile,’ I spoke to her, though to a stranger it might appear that I was merely speaking to myself. ‘I think it’s about time we went for a run, don’t you?’ As usual, she nodded her head up and down as if she knew exactly what I was saying.

   ‘Smart creature.’

   ‘Uh!’ His voice had made me jump and I spun around to face him. ‘Delrand, you know I hate it when you sneak up behind me.’

   ‘Yes, sorry I scared you,’ he apologised.

   Relaxing my beating heart, I smiled softly to him. ‘It’s fine, what were you saying?’

   ‘I said smart creature. You two seem to have a connection between you, odd though it appears, I can’t be sure.’ He smiled back. We were both then interrupted by a loud banging coming from the stable across the indoor yard. Looking behind him, we both noticed that Volareus was hitting his stable door with his front hoof. ‘I’m guessing he’s after some attention too?’ Delrand asked aloud.

   ‘It appears it.’ And before I could even take a step towards my other horse, Delrand had already made his way over to the stall. He unlocked the stable door and as he slowly creaked it open in its rusting hinges, reached out and touched his palm to the reckless beast. As soon as his skin touched Volareus’ muzzled, my second horse quickly relaxed his unresting technique for attention. Delrand stepped in beside his neck and closed the stable door.

   While watching, I had lead Rose out of her stall and onto the cobbled, mud-laden ground now beneath my feet. I still watched, even now, and looking into Volareus’ across the yard it appeared that he was as docile and tamed as his fellow next to me. My hand absent-mindedly stroked her forehead and scratched between her ears as I continued my staring. Delrand’s hands gently caressed Volareus’ mane and wondered down his neck to but looking into his face I noticed how he had his eyes closed in concentration. Whatever he was up to I knew instinctively it involved magic of some sorts though what type was of no concern of mine at the moment. As I wanted to, I continued to lead Rose over to the entrance of the stables, though when we reached the solid beech doors I heard Delrand call over to me.

   ‘Aren’t you going to saddle up?’ The question resonated in my head for a few seconds before I knew what he was asking. Shaking my head, I looked over my shoulder at him and smiled childishly. Turning Rose around and just about to lead her over to the saddle room, he spoke again. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll do it the quicker way, you seem in a rush to get out of here and in a hurry to do that too,’ he pointed out with a subtle smile, meanwhile he also had lead Volareus out of his stall. My eyes fixed onto his eyes as with a click of his fingers (literally) and a spark of magic running through the air the horses were both saddled and reined perfectly as if we had done them by hand. ‘There two tacked horses.’ His smile still painted his face softly, like a delicate brush had been used to anoint it onto his gentle features. ‘Elara, you look dumbfounded; something wrong?’

   Shaking my head as he finished speaking, I realised that I had, for the past five minutes, just been staring at him blindly just taking in what he was doing. ‘Oh, sorry. I was just trying to not think at all. After before I think it’s best if I just keep my body as occupied as possible so that is all I have to focus on rather than my troubles and problems within these walls.’ As I spoke I noticed it seemed as though someone else was saying them through me, they weren’t words I would usually use.

   Hearing the clapper of hooves draw near to me, I looked back over at Delrand and saw he was walking Volareus over to me, he had already hopped into the saddle while I’d been replying to his question. ‘It’s alright, my love. I know things will get a lot harder from here on in. Saddle up and we’ll go off for as long as you wish. Anything you need on the way, ask and I shall willingly magic it to us for you.’ Looking up into his face, his eyes looked down onto me and I suddenly felt like I was looking up into a majestic and dignified human being; right now he appeared (at first glance) to be of higher stature than the man I had come to fall in love with. As though he had willingly made his presence seem more demanding and established. My small smile faded slowly and I tensed my eyebrows together in concentration trying to figure out what he’d done within barely a second’s moment. At this his features became concerned yet again. Shaking my head one more time, I turned around in silence without a word of explanation and jumped up into Rose’s saddle and seated myself. Pulling on the left hand rein I got her to turn around to face the beech doors yet again; kicking sharply into her sides I let her whinny before galloping out into the night towards the wall gates.

   The soft swishes of the water on the soil was very relaxing and refreshing as we sat on the little shore within the nearby forest. My stares had gone from Delrand to watch over the small lake and how the moon shone through the branches and lit up the dark watery sheet. It looked as though if you kept walking from the spot we sat you would actually walk across the silvery, navy surface before us rather than walk through it. But we sat, in silence, his arm wrapped around my back and his hand resting on my waist while I kept my gaze from meeting his in the chilling night air. With the shivery feeling beneath my skin I easily knew he was watching me closely, though it disappeared and regained existence every now and then as he looked at something around us then back at me.

   At some point, I remembered that I had tears falling down my cheeks but only a few prevailed to escape my eyelids, the other now just stayed inside on my eyes possibly making them shimmer in the moonlight every time I managed to gaze upwards but then back down to the lake. I was sat with my knees brought up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them to keep me warm, though Delrand had wrapped my own cloak about me as we first sat down from our intense ride from the castle walls to our spot here in front of the lake.

   Gradually I felt the feeling inside me grow and intensify until I could feel his breath on my neck as he breathed out. Taking in a small breath, I closed my eyes and turned my head to face him at the same time bowing it so I could rest my forehead in the crook of his neck. Shivering once more as his free hand traced up my neck and gently pushed my hair behind my ear so he could look down at my tear-stained cheek. Turning my head so my cheek took the place of my forehead, I one-eyedly looked into his, the sweetness of his smile radiated down to me and warmed me up inside; he bowed his head down slightly and I watched as his eyes mesmerisingly changed to the sapphire gems I had become so acquainted with whenever he became obliged to kiss me so passionately. Closing my eyes very slowly, I leaned up and softly pressed mine to his; I slowly opened them as our lips touched and looked back into his eyes. His gaze met mine and his arms curled about me in a blanket of comfort and sensation and emotion, I so wished that he would never let me go but at the point where I was about to open my lips in time with his, the noise of a twig snapping resonated about us and his hold on me suddenly became one of protection and security. His neck tensed so his head could look around us without me being of any blockage for his vision.

   Then his voice softly flowed down to me as similar to the sound of the waves so nearby. ‘Did you hear that?’ I nodded very slightly and both his arms dropped to around my waist. He took another minute to carefully look around the vicinity without leaving me or letting go, then went back to putting his attention on me. ‘Must be a badger or fox,’ he suggested with a shrug of relief. ‘Mind if I stand for a bit?’ he asked.

   On finding my voice, I replied. ‘Not at all, as long as I can still feel you near.’ He pulled his arms from around me and lifted himself off the ground, leaving me to huddle up again as I had before I leant my head on his shoulder. After he had stretched from being sat for so long, he paced over to the water’s edge and knelt down to wash his face with the cool water. Standing up again and turning to face me, the moonlight shined off his face due to the water still layering his skin; it amazed me at how perfect he seemed in the light, his features more pronounced but in a sweetness that overwhelmed my mind and compelled me to touch his skin with only my fingertips in case anymore contact would break his fragile calmness. Then he reached out his arms out for me to take, I swiftly got up and made my way over to him; taking his hands I stepped ever closer to him, but as I started to get closer than both our outstretched arms he began to step away, gently pulling me with him. He made his gaze meet mine and my eyes locked onto his in the night until I suddenly felt my feet go cold and I yelped with sudden shock of it. As I tried to jump backwards, he pulled me into his embrace sharply and my chest hit his while me feet sunk lower into the now misty water beneath me.

   ‘It’s alright, dear, it’s just water if that’s what you are afraid of,’ he whispered to me.

   Giggling sweetly into his ear, I explained. ‘No, it’s not the water, just the sudden shock of the cold on my feet.’

   ‘Oh, well that is nothing. Do you trust me, Elara? And how much?’ he asked, almost off-handed in a sense.

   ‘Delrand, no matter what you do, where you take me, what you say, I will always trust you,’ I breathed to him; my voice had become so soft and quiet as I let the coolness around my feet begin to warm up to my inner temperature.

   ‘Enough to let me lead you into deep waters?’ he asked while turning his head to motion walking further into the mists of the lake.

   ‘Enough even for you take me into the darkest reaches of this forest.’ As soon as my words had whirled into the air, no sooner had we walked further into the dark water until it lapped against our thighs like a velvet blanket in the wind.

   Surprisingly, the coolness seemed to seep up my skin and into my mind and chilled my mind to a point where I could just let the night pass by and only focus on being with my lover. He let go of my hands but only to replace them on my shoulder blades and step into my still outstretched arms. Smiling, I wrapped them about him after shuffling them to be beneath his cloak to keep the soft but chilly breeze from freezing my fingers in place.

   ‘How can a night such as this be wasted?’ he began to speak to me, I listened to him without any interruption and just let his charming voice and words drown my mind and set it onto him and only him. ‘It would be such a waste to let it go by yet to spend with a more beautiful lady such as you.’ At this I felt my cheeks become warmer than the rest of me as they blushed in the semi-darkness. Not understanding what he was going on about I still let him continue to capture my mind in this streaming moment of bliss. ‘Elara, would you please stop the fooling around. Hmm, it’s making me very agitated.’

   My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I looked up into his eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

   His chuckles vibrated down my arms and made me shiver. ‘you’re relaxing a little too much, I think. Focus on yourself for a little then you will understand. I’m sure you know by now that I won’t and can’t rush you so why you’re doing that I have no idea. I have not set it in my mind to rush you into any decisions between us. There is nothing more we are able to do in the present circumstances so don’t think I must get to a point to make sure I keep you forever. I know already that I have captured your heart, there are no more nets to throw out and encase you in my clutches.’ Looking into his face, he slowly curled his lips into a wry smile and it suddenly made his features seem a bit more menacing and threatening than ever before.

   Though by now I had focused on myself and found that my hands were gripping and pulling at his shirt beneath his cloak and I had managed to pull it up to his middle back. I let go and stepped back, from both my notice of my body’s instincts and his fiendish smirk.

   ‘Love, it’s alright. That was not meant to scare you. Come back to me.’ His left hand reached out and I walked back to three or so steps to once again be back in his clutches, though the most welcoming clutches I could ever imagine. ‘And do not worry, I would never hold anything against you. But next time be a bit more careful of your movements, they can become rather awkward in the most inappropriate of situations.’ His smile changed to that one I loved to see, the smirk of utter compassion and admiration.

   ‘I did not mean to. On a night like this a girl can easily lose herself while being held by her lover and standing in the night, in a lake with little think about after her lover has helped her calm her mind.’ I spoke in the continuing fashion he had been using from us both standing to us now being thigh-deep in a freezing cold lake in the twilight hours.

   ‘Everything will work out in the end, everything will be as it’s meant to be. No more hardness and mistrust and confusion. Just you, me and a lot of paperwork.’ He chuckled again, then twirled me around as though we were dancing. ‘But for now the paperwork can wait, for now let it just be you and me, alone, here and now, on a night such as this.’

   And as I faced him again, he pulled me ever closer to his body so my chest was pressed firmly to his and our lips caressed the other’s for all of eternity. And for all that time we left our minds wonder off together and become one and lost and combined with the other’s emotions and passions and fantasies; not even the waning moon could disturb our most blissful, passionate moment together. A moment that lasted ‘til the sun was high above the horizon and making its way across the sky.

*****

   I had no sleep that night, there was too much happening all at once. I woke up with a start and rolled over and found myself rolling into the water slightly, though the wetness did not soak through any fabric as I was not wearing any. Jumping up onto my feet, I planted myself firmly against the trunk of a nearby tree. My breathing had become heavy and quick, my lungs pounding in my chest along with the beat of my heart. As I had jumped up, I had managed to keep ahold of both our cloaks, leaving him exposed to the coldness of the morning. He groaned and curled up suddenly from the sudden exposure and his eyes flashed open from sleep.

   ‘Elara?’ he spoke with a groggy voice. ‘What’s wrong?’ I did not answer him, I only watched as he stood up, naked in the sunlight. He looked around and noticed me instantly as he looked over to where I was stood still leant against the tree trunk. ‘Honey, what it is?’ He began to walk over but I gasped and held my hand out as a stop signal. ‘Sweetheart, please, it’s alright. Trust me, I’m not going to hurt you again,’ he spoke so sincerely to me and I remembered exactly what happened last night. ‘If you regret it tell me now, I can only apologise but I cannot take back what is already done. I did not mean for it to happen, I did not plan it…’

   ‘Stop, Delrand. I’m fine, it’s fine. Everything is fine. I’m overreacting.’ I wrapped my cloak about me and threw his into his hands. ‘There’s nothing we can do about it now, it’s over and done with, all we can do now is continue on as normal.’

   ‘Hmm, maybe you’re right but at least let me hold you. After all you were the one who woke me up. And wow, that is the first time I have ever slept past sun up.’ He chuckled to himself and shook his head in disbelief then began his advancement on me from getting up. Holding me in his arms, he gently rocked me from side to side as you would a child who admits to breaking something. ‘Tell me something, did you plan any of it either?’

   ‘No! How do you expect me to have planned something so intimate like that? No way!’ I was about to add more to my franticness but was stopped by his fingers pressed to mine.

   ‘A simple no would have sufficed; but no matter, you got your point across.’ He pecked my cheek before picking up our pile of clothes and separating them into a pile, one each. Picking his pile back up, he stepped past me and went to dress just inside the tree line leaving me to get dressed where I stood.

   Ten minutes later, fully clothed and feeling refreshed from a short, tasteless breakfast of lake water, we rode around the woods until we felt like either heading back or riding on harder to another destination.

   All the while, I spent my time figuring out how last night turned out as it had. One minute I found ourselves kissing and holding each other while stood in the lake; next minute I found myself on my back on the hard, dry ground where we had sat a bit earlier and him lying on top of me. Whatever happened in between had totally and completely escaped any registration in my head; and then I found myself waking up, his arm over me, our bodies touching each other’s underneath our cloaks that he had laid on top of us as a sort of makeshift blanket. I knew exactly what had happened last night after being laid on the ground with him but my mind just would not and could not admit to itself that it had really happened and that it was even real.

   By midday I felt it best that we head back to the castle. Turning our steeds around and cantering back the way we had rode last night, I managed to compose myself enough that no one would be able to even hint at what had now happened between Delrand and me; for one it was the most personal thing for anyone to even ask or assume about and two it would be a disaster if anyone were to find out about it because sure enough, somehow, it would end up being told to my father. My spine shivered uncontrollably at the thought of that and I looked across at Delrand as he rode next to me on a much more composed looking Volareus.

   His eyes once again locked onto mine and they held something that told me he had just been thinking along the same sort of lines as myself just now. He reached across the gap and tapped my hand sympathetically and forced a smile onto his lips, but it did no good; the worry in his eyes had become to noticeable and I had to stop us both to reassure him. I stopped Rose from a simple pull on her reins and Delrand followed suit with Volareus, pulling up beside me.

   ‘I told you before it will be fine, everything will be alright. Stop the worrying because you’re beginning to make me panic,’ he said as soon as Volareus had stopped.

   ‘Me worry? What about you? You look so stern and tense,’ I replied. ‘Delrand, try to relax. No one is going to find out, least of all from me. We were entirely alone, it was late at night, there’s no way anyone could have been around.’

   ‘Still, I have the right to worry for your vanity and dignity. I’ve broken one of my most unbreakable rules and I’m wondering what else could possible be broken or go wrong.’

   I paced Rose so I was right beside him, then reached across with my hand and placed it on his and also entwining my fingers between his as much as I could. ‘Delrand, believe me when I say no one is going to find out; not from me, not from you. You have nothing to worry about.’ And with my words finally said, I leant across and kissed him smartly on the cheek, then kicked Rose’s flanks and rode off towards the castle gates.