Chapter Eight: Letters

   I woke up wondering whether it was all a dream. Delrand was still asleep in the chair. I got out of bed quietly and went to the washroom. When I walked back into the bedroom Delrand had woken up.

   ‘Morning. Sleep well?’ he said.

   ‘Morning. Did last night really happen?’ I had to ask.

   ‘Yes it did. Why do you ask?’

   ‘Because I wasn’t sure if I had dreamt it or not.’

   ‘Well, you didn’t. Breakfast time.’ He could change the subject too easily, I noted.

   I followed him through the door and we walked together to the hall. The other three were already there when we arrived. I couldn’t help notice that Harrod looked a bit down.

   Delrand, have you told them anything?

   I was in your room all night, and I wouldn’t do anything without consulting you first. He was too polite and he seemed to speak his mind quite a lot when we spoke like this.

   ‘What’s the matter, Harrod?’ Delrand asked, as we sat down.

   ‘It’s him, isn’t it? He was there last night?’

   ‘Yes, he was. And you know why. None of us could have stopped it from happening, that’s why time is very important and the way we use it. I’ve decided we’re leaving today.’

   As soon as he said that, we (his friends and me) all looked at him as if he was mad.

   ‘We can’t leave now, it’s what he’ll want us to do,’ complained Oscar. ‘If we leave, it’ll mean we’re open to attack from his servants.’

   ‘Who said we were going to go on horseback. She won’t take long to get the hang of it. You lot underestimate her, as Justin said last night.’ I hope your mind is working thoroughly, don’t hold back on your magic, it always slows things down.

   I won’t, as long as you don’t let me distract you, I teased.

   That won’t be a problem. Come on, I haven’t got much time to teach you Transportation.

   Transportation, as the name tells you, is when you transport yourself to another place or room. Delrand was right, as usual, I got the hang of it straight away. The other three were a bit surprised. The problem was that I didn’t know where it was we were going. In order to appear in a place you had to know where it was and everything about it (any furniture, etc.). If you didn’t then you may end up trapped inside a wall or something.

   When all our horses and luggage were ready, we went outside to sort who was taking what.

   Delrand ended up with me. And the horses and luggage were left to be split between the other three.

   ‘See you there,’ said Delrand, and they each disappeared. ‘Ready?’

   ‘Not really.’

   ‘Come on then. They don’t like it when I hold them up.’ He took my hand and pulled me closer. Remember what to do?

   I nodded, closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I had asked him about all this and he said that it just makes things less complicated.

   It wasn’t a nice feeling when you’re being pulled through space and time by a very strong field. I felt like I was being stretched and twisted. Landing on the ground, I felt dizzy and kept my eyes closed until I could stand up straight and not wobble around. I could hear the others laughing at me.

  When I was stable, I opened my eyes. Just a few yards away was a beautiful two-story thatched house.

   ‘Welcome to my place,’ Delrand said.

   ‘Your place?’ questioned Justin.

   ‘Sorry, our place.’

   ‘It’s pretty.’

   It had a huge gravel drive, with trees that bordered around it in a large circle. The windows had flowerbeds on the outside stuck against the walls. For four partly childish men, it seemed a little feminine.

   How well do you look after this place? I asked Delrand.

   Not very well. It looks nice because Justin’s sister lives here with us. In case you’re wondering they were all orphaned very young. That’s why they’re some of the best wizards around.

   What’s her name?

   Alice. Now you’re not the only girl for once.

   Do I get my own room or will I have to share with you?

   The house goes further backwards than you may think.

   After moving in and settling down, the house became a temporary home for me. It was so peaceful here. My lessons resumed as they were before, and Harrod, Oscar, Justin and I became closer by the day. Alice and I became friends, she was timid and shy but I helped her with her chores whenever I could (Delrand and I had still kept my magisterial secret).

   The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months, and as the new year started I began to think back to when I was still in Camelot. I hadn’t kept in touch with any of my family and I thought I should write them a letter. I spent hours working on it. It was one of my father’s wishes that I was taught in reading and writing. After five hours of continuous scrawling and scribbling, I had finally finished. My hand hurt, and I still hadn’t thought of a way to get it to its destination. I went off to find Delrand, and as usual he was to be found reading in his study.

   I knocked on the door and entered into the candle lit room. ‘Delrand, I need to send this letter to my father. Any ideas of how I can get it there?’

   ‘Oscar will take it for you.’

   ‘How?’

   ‘By flying of course. He loves long distance travel, but none of us ever go with him so he’s stuck in close range.’

   ‘Know where he is?’

   ‘Outside probably,’ he simply responded as he lounged in a thick leather chair with his feet on the desk.

   When I was outside I shouted for him. In return I heard a screeching from above. He hovered so gracefully above me.

   ‘Oscar! I have something for you, can you come down please?’

   He swooped down onto the ground, turned back into human form and waited.

   ‘Delrand said you like to travel long distance. So I’ve got a letter here for you to take to Camelot. If that’s fine by you?’

   ‘Great. Where is it?’ He sounded quite enthusiastic.

   ‘Wait, before you go, can you promise me that you won’t read it or show it to the other two?’

   ‘I promise. It’s about time too; I hate being cooped up here. At least one of them could come with me when I want to fly somewhere,’ he complained but more to himself than to me.

   I handed it to him. ‘Here you go. Make sure you give it to my father, don’t pass it to him through a servant, they’re not all that trustworthy.’

   ‘The king! Are you sure?’

   ‘How did you find out who I am?’

   ‘Delrand trusts me much more than the others. I haven’t told them. Will I get shot?’

   ‘No, because you have a letter. Oh, and stay as an eagle all the time you’re there, or a pigeon or whatever you decide. He might want to send a message back and he won’t if he knows what you really are.’

   ‘No problem. See you later.’ And with those last words said, he flew off into the sky. I knew I could trust him to not read it. Over the months I had spent here I found that Delrand’s friends reminded me of some of the knights. Oscar was like Tristan, brotherly yet careful in his actions and words. Justin was similar to Galahad, boisterous and playful. And Harrod was just like Gawain, always trying to show me up; but experience was on my side when it came to his mockery.

   I also had Delrand on my side, which was always a little intimidating (for Harrod, not me). I could see it in his eyes whenever the atmosphere became uneasy. A fight hadn’t broken out yet, but tensions had begun to rise between Harrod and me. If Delrand wasn’t there when we were near each other I kept a close eye on everything he did. So far I had detected a mood of fear, and, at the same time, jealousy. I couldn’t figure out why. However, I guessed that he could possibly have figured something out about my relationship with Delrand. We hadn’t let them know about us; though Harrod seemed to have a good sense of emotional changes about other people, almost a sixth sense. If ever it was possible to keep away from him, I would.

   That night I waited in my room for his familiar voice in my mind.

   Elara?

   You can come in.

   He appeared right in front of me, as he always did now. It had become a routine thing that he would visit me when the others had gone to bed. We smiled at each other and went to sit on the cushioned window seat. Even though he was my master and we should never have fallen in love, Delrand still called it destiny that we were meant to meet. Sometimes I believed him; other times I didn’t care what it was as long as I could see him every day. He held my hand in one of his and put the other around my shoulders. I cuddled up into his side.

   ‘What was the letter about?’ he asked, he sounded curious.

   ‘Telling father about my life away, you, them and asking about anything happening back home. I hope you don’t mind but there was a separate one in there for Lancelot. He needs to know about you and me before I go back. I don’t want to leave him with the feeling that I miss him in a different way to the others. I know it will hurt him to know but I also know he will understand and he won’t tell the others either.’

   ‘That’s alright, at least you told me.’ He smiled warmingly across the little space.

   ‘Do you ever get angry?’

   ‘No, why should I?’

   ‘Just wondering, because you never seem to take anything the wrong way.’ I paused and took a deep breath. ‘I miss home; will I ever see them again?’ It was an open question, but he answered anyway.

   ‘Hopefully soon, I’ve taught you all that I can and more. The problem is I still couldn’t find that book. It’s beginning to bother me, and I don’t really know why it’s so important.’

   I lifted my head to see his face. His eyes were furrowed in frustration. ‘Don’t let it get to you; I’m sure it’ll turn up.’ And I kissed him on the cheek.

   That was another thing in our relationship; neither seemed to want to take it any further. It was like we were stuck in this section of romance. He seemed to think the same thing, by the changed look on his face. He turned his head to look out of the window at the night sky; it was veiled with thick clouds.

   ‘What are you thinking?’ I asked cautiously.

   ‘Whether or not I should kiss you back,’ he answered with the truth. His voice was soft and quiet.

   ‘Why don’t you? It won’t bother me if you do, but if you don’t I’ll soon have to be the one to break the barrier.’ Surprisingly, my heart began to flutter in my chest. I knew he would be able to feel it. And he did. A smile spread across his face, and I blushed and sighed. He looked down into my eyes. His had turned apple green. His eyes always dazzled me; no matter how many times I see them that way, they always will.

   His head slowly got closer to mine. I knew he had decided to kiss me back, so I raised my head to meet him half way. Our lips were about to touch when a knock sounded from outside. Delrand’s eyes shut and he bowed his head. I stared angrily at the door, whoever it was had destroyed my moment, our moment. And I had a bright idea who he was.

   ‘Who is it?’ I tried to sound as if I had not been disturbed from anything important. It seemed to work.

   ‘It’s Harrod. Can I come in?’

   What did he want at this time of night? ‘One minute.’ I looked at Delrand, but he wasn’t there. I could still feel his hand on mine; he must have made himself invisible.

   Delrand, what do I do?

   Let him in. My eyes widened in fear. Don’t worry; I’ll still be in here. If he dares to touch you he’ll regret it.

   Thanks. I got up and walked to the door. I opened it and he stepped inside. I kept my features blank, so he wouldn’t suspect anything. ‘What do you want?’

   ‘I need to tell you something.’ He stopped.

   ‘Go ahead.’ I had my arms folded.

   ‘You do know that Delrand has feelings for you?’ He said it so straight forwardly, it took me a few seconds to think of how to answer him.

   ‘Yes, I know. And what has is got to do with you if he does?’ I noticed he had his back to me. He seemed to focus on the window. Could he sense if Delrand was there?

   ‘Would you mind if we sat down?’

   ‘No, take a seat.’ I didn’t mean the window seat, but when he moved towards it I worried if he would discover Delrand. It was worse when he sat exactly where Delrand had been sitting. However, he didn’t jump up when he sat. I considered that Delrand must have got up.

   Harrod motioned for me to join him. I could only play along with him. I knew Delrand would intervene if things got out of hand. I watched Harrod closely, looking out for any give away signs of his intentions. There weren’t any.

   ‘I want to tell you that he has good taste. And I agree. You are really appealing and I have wanted to tell you for quite some time, that I like you too.’ I couldn’t really see what he was getting at. The words he used were too bleak; they had no feeling to them.

   Before I could stop him, he had reached over to kiss me. When his lips met mine, he reached a hand around my head and pulled me closer so I had no way to move. His free hand gripped one of mine and I couldn’t make him release me. I began to feel light headed. I couldn’t focus on anything.

   ‘Harrod! Let her go,’ came Delrand’s voice from near the door. Harrod quickly released every part of me and turned on Delrand instead.

   ‘I should have known you’d turn up. Leave us alone, this is none of your business.’

   I took my chance and swiftly leapt into Delrand’s arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist and locked them there with my hands. He, in return, wrapped his arms protectively around me. ‘It has everything to do with me. And I didn’t turn up. I was already here when you turned up. I believe she wants you to leave.’

   ‘She never said that.’

   ‘Elara?’ He kept his eyes on Harrod all the time.

   ‘Get out, Harrod.’ I scowled at him as best I could.

   ‘How long have you two been like this?’ He was reluctant to move.

   ‘She said get out. If I were you, I’d do as she says.’

   There was nothing Harrod could do. He got up and stormed passed us through the door, not looking back. When the door had clicked shut, Delrand turned his attention to me. ‘Did he hurt you?’

   ‘No and yes.’

   ‘Elara, my dear Elara. I’m so sorry. How can I make it up to you?’

   ‘It wasn’t your fault, it would have happened sooner or later. It just had to happen tonight.’

   ‘Unfortunately, it did have to happen tonight. He ruined our first kiss. I was looking forward to that.’ He had somehow managed to walk us both back onto the window seat, but I couldn’t recall moving.

   ‘You can kiss me if you want.’ I was smiling again now.

   ‘It’s not the same.’

   ‘But surely you want to show me that you’re better at it than he is. It was awful.’

   ‘I noticed. Do you want me to kiss you?’

   I didn’t answer verbally. Instead I moved my arms around his neck and stared into his eyes as softly as I could.

   I take that as a yes. He slowly bent his head down, as he had done before. This time he also moved one hand onto my hair and the other wrapped around my waist. I closed my eyes and waited for a brief moment. His grip on me was very gentle; I knew he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I love you, he spoke softly into my mind. And then he kissed me.

   Our lips moved in unison, it was as if we had done this many times before. He was amazing in every single way. How long it really lasted for I could never remember, but it seemed to last for an eternity.

   I knew he would eventually pull away; he would always be the stronger one in the relationship that was obvious from the start. Even though my mind was stronger than his, my heart was the more sensitive. He loved me, and that was all I needed to know. I held on for as long as I could make him last. He moved his hand onto my cheek and I knew he wanted to stop. I released him and looked into his eyes. His expression resembled the way I felt. My arms fell to rest on his chest. He traced my lips with his index finger and a faint smile tinted his mouth.

   Can you stay with me tonight? I asked him.

   I’ll always be yours as long as you want me, he answered. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.

   That will be forever. Now I’ve found you I think losing you would break my heart. I love you, Delrand.

   I love you, Elara. He always said my name that way, as if I was fragile; the same way my father said it, only from a lover’s point of view. I fell asleep in his arms and my thoughts strayed to the letters I had written that morning. The first letter was to them all:

   Dear Father,

      I hope you are all well, I miss you all. I am doing fine, nothing bad has happened. Unfortunately I cannot tell you where I am. I hope to be back as soon as possible. I have learnt many secrets about myself. Though you know them already, and probably always did. I forgive you for stopping them telling me.

      Tell the knights to stop thinking about me. Knowing them they are desperate to see me again. They will want to see if I can still use a blade when I return. Do not think I have forgotten, it is something I will always remember, like riding a horse.

      Hope to see you soon. Love you all.

   Your loving daughter and sister,

   Elara.

   P.S. If you wish to send a message back to me, send it with the eagle. He knows where I am.

   It wasn’t the best letter ever written, but it was the best I could come up with. Then I went onto Lancelot’s letter. It had hurt me to write its contents, but he had to know.

   Dear Lancelot,

      I am writing to let you know about how it is between us. It pains me to write these words but you need to know. I have always loved you but it has never really been in that way. I do not want to leave you hanging on a thread. I hope you understand that we can never be together. Why? I cannot bear to hurt you and to prevent that from happening we can never have a relationship. I am truly sorry, from my heart. But I will cherish that brief moment we did have.

   I love you, see you soon,

   Elara.

   P.S.  I hope it changes nothing much, but my heart belongs to someone else. I will want to speak to you when I get back. Having you there as a brother is good enough for me. Do not ruin it; you are not one for holding grudges. Love you.

   I could see his face in my mind, but how he would really have looked and felt when he read my words I will never know until I talked to him. It was true, I did miss him. The problem was that he loved me in that way. It seemed like a fool’s hope that he’ll let me go, but he usually understood everything I said. Unlike Gawain and Galahad, he always thought before he spoke or made assumptions of people. I knew I would have to tell him all the truth later on.

   The differences in the way Lancelot and Delrand loved me was obvious. Lancelot loved me because he had known me for so long and he knew almost everything about me. However, when he had kissed me it wasn’t all that giving; but when I kissed Delrand it made me feel that he really meant all he said and felt. Delrand loved me because of who I am and, as he had said, I was his equal. To be honest, I felt the same about him. With Lancelot I only really saw a brother, nothing more. The difference was strong, though it will always hurt to know what might have been if Delrand had never come into my life.

   The next morning I woke up in his arms. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep next to him. I sat up and stretched. He was either already awake or he had never fallen asleep. I wondered if he had heard me say anything in my sleep. He looked a bit tense and I guessed what I might have said.

   ‘Sorry,’ I said.

   ‘For what?’

   ‘For sleeping on you. Um, did I speak at all last night?’ I asked as I went into the washroom.

   ‘Yes.’ The pause was a little awkward. ‘You miss him don’t you?’

   ‘Who?’ Though I already knew the answer.

   ‘Lancelot, if you’d prefer to be with him, I understand.’

   I stopped what I was doing and walked back into the bedroom. ‘What are you talking about?’ I couldn’t talk any further.

   ‘Well, you wrote him a letter and you kept saying his name. So I assumed you would love him more than me because you know him better.’

   ‘It’s not like that. I love you more than anyone else. It wasn’t right that I loved him as I love you. He knows that through the letter and I asked if we could talk when I got back. Don’t assume anything against my love to you.’

   Stop there. I was shocked that he had changed to this form of communication, but I guessed he wanted to show me something. You’re right, I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry. That washed away my grudge. It’s just that I was the one who took you away and made it impossible. And I was the one that gave you the sign and won your love without as much as a word.

   ‘Sorry.’ But he loves me as well. I just don’t want to have to make a decision between the both of you.

   You already have.

   I meant without him knowing that I love someone else more than him.

   He left it at that and walked past me out the door. I didn’t want to hurt him but Delrand was always a little difficult when it came to guilt. My heart was beating too fast and I had to lean against the washroom door for support to stop me collapsing. I regained self-control and balance.

   Once I was changed, I went downstairs. I didn’t feel like eating after that event. I walked outside and whistled for Rose. The house came with a fair few acres of land in which our horses could freely roam. She trotted out of the line of trees. She wore no saddle. That didn’t matter, I could ride bare-back as good as in the saddle. I jumped up and she cantered off.

  Wondering if Oscar had reached Camelot yet, we rode around the acres not meeting any wildlife. What the others did around here I had no idea, but it might be important so I didn’t bother looking for them.

   I spent all day riding in the pastures, not thinking of much. The sky was matted with winter-white clouds and the air grew chilly as the day wore on. The sun began to set behind the distant mountains and I headed back towards the house.

   Elara, where are you? I heard Delrand’s mind on mine.

   I’m on my way back now, I answered and I edged Rose into a gallop.

   Merlin’s here and he has news for us.

   Is it good or bad?

   That depends on your point of view. I wish he’d stop doing that, not giving me straight answers.