Chapter Five: Lessons and Secrets

   Merlin found me still crying in that little room all alone.

   ‘I know it’s a hard decision,’ he said as he lifted me into his arms. Merlin was so gentle and careful. ‘I’ll try to explain something good to you about your choice.’

   I didn’t speak and I didn’t struggle out of his grasp. He sat me into a chair around the table, and then sat beside me. He spent the next ten minutes telling me what it would mean for me to be a sorceress. It comforted my heart and mind, but as soon as he mentioned Delrand, I found my voice.

   ‘But he’s so difficult. And he doesn’t want to teach me.’

   ‘I’ve sorted that, he’s agreed to teach you, though he’s still a bit angry that I didn’t tell him before we arrived. You’ll like him better once you know him. He’s not all bad.’

   ‘Fine, but he better be more polite around me,’ I reasoned.

   ‘He’ll change. I think he needs you around anyway; he’s not very good with women around. He needs the experience.’

   That wasn’t comforting.

   ‘What do you mean experience?’ came Delrand’s voice from behind me.

   ‘You were listening were you? You need to stop doing that, it’s not etiquette.’

   Delrand quickly brushed that aside. ‘When are we leaving?’ he asked.

   ‘Tomorrow,’ answered Merlin.

   ‘So soon. That’s not fair,’ I complained.

   ‘Life isn’t fair, Elara. You’ll soon realise that, I hope,’ Merlin said as he stood up and patted me on the shoulder. He walked out, probably to find my father again.

   I turned to Delrand, eyes narrowed, and arms folded. I had lost all trust and confidence in him. He soon followed suit. We stayed like that for a while, silent and concentrating. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular. I wanted my sword (I felt exposed without it at my waist), but I didn’t want to be the first to give in.

   More minutes passed by soundlessly. Eventually, he relaxed. His arms dropped to his sides. ‘At least you have potential,’ he said.

   I relaxed my posture too, but remained silent, processing what he might mean. I couldn’t come up with anything, so I decided to ask him. ‘Meaning?’

   ‘You have a strong force of magic about your mind,’ was all he said. Then he turned his back to me and walked out the door towards the First Hall. I quickly followed him, making sure I kept my distance slightly. There was something about him that I couldn’t seem to explain, I knew he must be powerful if Merlin had agreed to teach him magic. How powerful was another question, I might have to keep my guard up more firmly around him.

   ‘How can you tell how strong I’ll be?’

   ‘Because Merlin taught me most of the secrets about using magic. The problem is if you start to use it in the wrong way,’ he said casually.

   I felt like a child again, I thought I knew too much for what I’ve seen. Now it was if all I knew had been thrown out the window; that it didn’t matter anymore.

   I wasn’t paying attention to where he was taking me. I eventually found out when I heard the clanging of metal. We were outside, where we were outside wasn’t pleasant.

   I stopped in my tracks. Still unwilling to see or speak to the knights after their open assumptions, even though those definitely didn’t matter anymore. Delrand was still walking on; he turned thinking I was right behind him. Noticing I wasn’t, he walked back. ‘What’s wrong now?’ he asked when he had reached me.

   ‘You had to bring me here.’

   ‘I can’t exactly start teaching you inside, who knows what you’re capable of.’

   ‘You’re going to start teaching me now?’

   ‘Not much, just something you need to know straight away.’

   ‘But... but they’ll be watching,’ I whispered desperately.

   ‘That doesn’t mean anything, it won’t concern them. They won’t get it. Just concentrate on me, you’ll be fine.’

   ‘They don’t know about me, what do you imagine they’ll begin to think?’

   ‘That you’re stronger than you look. Now come on, I only have today to teach you the essentials.’

   ‘Huh?’ I wasn’t going to get the better of him. ‘Why here? By the way.’

   ‘Because.’

   ‘Because what?’

   ‘That doesn’t matter.’ He sounded a bit friendlier than I had heard him speak before, but only a little less reluctant in answering my questions. ‘Now, first thing you need to know is how to shield yourself, without means of weapons. This shield protects you from attacks, by magic and weapons. However, it won’t protect you from natural occurrences.’

   I cocked my head. ‘Explain.’

   ‘If I were to send a magical produced fire ball at you it wouldn’t touch you. However, if you walked through a house fire you’d get burnt. See the difference?’

   I thought about it, and then nodded. I wanted to prove that I was a quick learner; I believed he didn’t believe that.

   ‘Clear your mind, and think of an invisible wall around you not too far away from your body. Put most of your mind onto that thought. Keep thinking of that. Open your eyes, concentrate.’ I concentrated as hard as possible, but (he didn’t know) I have a very good imagination. ‘Now to see if it works.’ He smiled a crooked smile, and I opened my mouth then shut it again.

   I wanted to tell him he was insane, but I knew I’d lose my focus. He raised his hand and a thin, soundless streak of lightning flew at me. I couldn’t move, if I did my shield would go down (if there was one). I shut my eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. Opening one eye, then the other, I saw him smiling though his eyes looked quite surprised. At least I was in one piece. ‘Well done. It took me about three attempts to get that right. Next, shielding your mind.’

   I knew this would be harder. It took me all day to get that part right. I seemed unable to block my thoughts from interrogation by Delrand (I worried of what he might see). Hopefully he would just see if he could penetrate into my consciousness. That was when I found out how strong he was, mentally. No matter how hard I tried to close him out, it never seemed to be hard enough.

   When he thought I’d never get the hang of it, I had had quite enough. With every last ounce of energy left in me I tried for one last time. Expecting it to fail me again, I waited for the pressure on my mind that was Delrand’s conscious. It never came. I still waited, just in case he was biding his time to crush my sudden hope. Still nothing.

   ‘Elara, it’s okay. I can’t get in there,’ he said. I only just heard him speaking. I opened my eyes and he was smiling as he was when I first completed the body shield.

   ‘No chance at all?’

   ‘No. Now you just have to keep it up and both at the same time.’

   ‘What? Now?’

   He stood very still, his hands by his sides and not a muscle twitched. ‘If you think you can handle it.’

   ‘No, I’m tired. And I don’t think I’ve got enough mind power left.’

   ‘That’s a downside to magic. The more you use it, the more energy you take out of yourself.’

   ‘Why’s that, do you think?’

   ‘I’m not sure. It probably has something do with the body attached to the mind. Could be something completely different.’ He turned his head to face my right, I followed his gaze. He was watching the knights, and they were watching us.

   I smiled. At last, I found something I knew that he didn’t. What would he think of them, after meeting me? ‘Want to meet them?’

   ‘May as well. If I’m taking away their friend.’

   ‘Best friend.’

   ‘Really?’

   I nodded, smiling. ‘Yep. Come on.’

   I walked him over to where the others were, lounging around. They could at least have shown they weren’t bothered about me, I thought; though I noticed Lancelot wasn’t with them.

   ‘Who’s your new friend, Elara?’

   ‘Knights, this is Delrand. Remember Merlin saying he’s got an apprentice?’

   Delrand nodded his head once. He was too polite compared to the knights.

   ‘Tristan, you’ve already meet Delrand.’ I introduced the other knights individually and gave a quick account of what each of them was like. After introducing Dagonet, the knights still had no clue that I was leaving with Delrand the next day.

   ‘Do they know?’ he asked, as if he could sense my thoughts again, but I couldn’t feel his mind on mine.

   I shook my head. ‘Only Tristan and Lancelot.’

   ‘Know what?’ asked Galahad, he was quick on the uptake of things. ‘Has this got something do with Lancelot and you?’

   ‘No,’ I said calmly, and quickly looked at the floor, grinding my teeth; I suddenly felt empty again.

   ‘Is it right if I tell them?’ Delrand offered.

   ‘I think it should wait until tomorrow, please.’

   ‘Tell us what? Elara, what’s he talking about?’

   ‘Sorry, Gawain. But I had to wait two days ‘til I knew what was going on. Now I do know it’s great, but you lot will have to wait, just in case you all try to change my mind.’ That left them hanging. I thought smiling would get me out of their questioning, it usually did. I looked sideways at Delrand, he might have been anxious to get away, but I couldn’t tell.

   That night I stood on the balcony, watching the sunset. It was a tinted sky. The few clouds up there were bright pink, like cotton-plant heads painted upon the glowing orange infinity beyond. The sun fell behind the hills leaving her last rays to drift upon the coming night. Eventually the stars began to twinkle, like a thousand untouchable gems. Still I didn’t know if I had made the right decision. There will be many goodbyes tomorrow, many lessons and secrets to be learnt. Could I be a sorceress in my own right? I still couldn’t believe anything I’d been told about myself, even though the evidence was self-explanatory. I felt him beside me. I didn’t turn to face him.

   ‘Why me?’ I asked openly. ‘Why do I have to go?’

   ‘I have no idea. Just be glad we told you.’

   ‘Yeh, at the wrong time. If I had known what was going on before I passed out, maybe I could have controlled myself more. Now I don’t think you’ll believe in my will power. I am stronger than I look.’

   ‘When did I ever say I didn’t believe in you? We’ve only just met and I’ve only just been released from Merlin’s watch. This is a test for me too. I don’t know if I’ll be a good master to you. If anything goes wrong, you haven’t just got yourself to blame.’

   ‘That’s easy for you to say. I’m new to it no matter how you look at it.’

   ‘That’s not entirely true.’ That was when I decided to face him since the mind-shielding. There was something else about him than I first anticipated, something mysterious I wanted to unravel.

   ‘How do you mean?’

   ‘You’ve had this power in you since birth. Merlin predicted it would show itself at about this age, could have been earlier or later, he didn’t really know when. I don’t know why so don’t ask me,’ he added as I began to open my mouth to ask. ‘Maybe because that’s when you would be open to new feelings and emotions.’ That would explain something, and it did connect to the whole love thing. I quickly pushed that away again, and locked it up in a mental drawer.

   ‘What time are we leaving?’

   ‘As early as possible. Your horse will be ready when you are. We’ll be heading west; passing through the nearby forest, and then continue north.’ He relayed our path to me. The forest, that will be a hard concept to live with when we reached it. I didn’t think anymore of it; in case I unlocked some unwanted memories.

   ‘Which one?’ he asked.

   Confused, I replied, ‘Which one what?’

   ‘Which horse do you wish to bring along?’

   ‘Rose, the white one. How did you know I had two horses?’

   ‘I asked the stable boy which one was yours and he told me that you had more than one. They’re both fine looking steeds, where did you get them from?’

   ‘Rose’s sire was my father’s horse, so he gave her to me as a gift. Volareus came to me from abroad. Apparently he was a gift from the Gaul royal family. Rose is the faster more agile one; Volareus is more of a war horse. I choose not to ride him much; he’s a bit of a handful.’

   ‘I see. Would you mind if I rode him? My stallion is still in the stables at the wizarding school, which happens to be where we are heading for tomorrow.’

   ‘No, I won’t mind. You can ride him, only on the basis that you can tame him better for me.’

   ‘That won’t be difficult. I’m good with wild animals.’

   ‘You haven’t met Volareus yet. He’s technically a big brute.’

   He chortled lightly. ‘You’ll think different about him after tomorrow.’

   ‘You’ve got a deal.’ We shook hands on it. I knew I’d win. Volareus was a wild animal when he was captured. I managed to get as far as riding him and breaking the paces. I never rode him if there was a choice between him and Rosehip. Delrand had no hope. ‘Why are you here anyway?’

   ‘I thought it best to watch over you again. After being given your first lesson, you’re bound to do something in your sleep.’

   ‘Like what?’

   ‘Who knows? It changes with every person. I managed to destroy quite a lot of important possessions at the school.’

   ‘How powerful are you?’ I genuinely felt shocked at that new piece of information.

   ‘That is very difficult to explain. Strength in magic is only measured against the person’s expectations of themselves.’ I was bewildered, his words made no sense. He laughed at me. ‘How can I explain? If you make a goal to reach by the end of the first week and manage to gain it half way, you’ll be more powerful than you thought you were, to start with I mean. But if you don’t reach it, you’ll be less powerful, again I mean to start with; and only less powerful than you yourself was expecting but it’s also a big incentive to do better. Understand?’

   ‘Yes. Are you more powerful than Merlin?’

   ‘Haha, no. I doubt anyone could challenge him.’ I noted that his eyes looked away as he said this and he looked a little blank. ‘In other words, I haven’t beaten him in a duel. I wonder if you could be as strong as me. I won’t know until we start your lessons properly. There’s more than just the magic itself. If you want to be classed as a good sorcerer then there are certain rules and constrictions on how you use your abilities.’

   ‘You mean sorceress?’

   ‘Certainly.’ He bowed at the waist, and I walked inside. ‘Tell me, why you do not like being called your highness or being bowed to?’ he asked as he followed me in. I began to feel a little awkward with his presence in my room.

   ‘Because it means that I’m of higher importance to those close to me.’

   ‘And aren’t you?’

   ‘No. I see everyone as equal in their own ways.’

   He leant against the door frame. ‘Is it something similar to the concept of the Round Table?’

   ‘You could put it that way. I think you’d best not be in here tonight it doesn’t seem right. I mean, I know why you’re here but suppose my maid came in and your invisibility wasn’t up.’

   ‘Are you suggesting that I’m going to suppress my powers?’

   ‘No, I’m just protecting both our reputations and dignity.’

   ‘I’m not leaving. Trust me; you’ll do something in your sleep tonight. What, I don’t know but something bad. And I can stop all your possessions from being, say, incinerated.’

   I gasped, was he being serious? Although, I hadn’t heard him say anything that wasn’t, yet.

   ‘It can happen. You’ll find that I’m rather cautious.’

   I looked around me. Upon the dressing table I saw the box that contained my most prized possession – my mother’s tiara. Even risking it getting damaged would hurt my father and me, emotionally.

   ‘Fine. But let this be the last time you come in here, ever.’

   ‘I agree.’ He took his usual place in the corner on the wooden chair. I climbed into my four-poster, and drifted off into a soundless sleep.

   I didn’t want to wake next morning. Only because I didn’t want to say goodbye to my friends and family; I couldn’t bear to see their faces that will be an external vision of their inner hurt. I knew my heart would call me back as soon as the gates closed behind me. What will the future be like in my new life? Could I happen to be, as Delrand put it, a great sorceress? How could I be what he says, what Merlin told me I was? Could it be that my destiny was made when I was born?

   I was awake by now. No turning back. I wished for it not to be the day. I got up, knowing that the earlier I go the longer I’ll have to live with my new found emotions. How long would I have to live with them? Will they eventually smoulder out the further he took me away? I thought about the last time I’d seen Lancelot’s face; he looked so heart-broken when I had told him. Well, at least he knew. At least I wasn’t holding back from him on our last day together.

   At breakfast, they were all there; my father, Merlin, Delrand, and all the knights. They were just sat around, most eating toast or porridge. I was in my travelling clothes. I knew they might guess by just what I wore. I wondered if they knew by now; if they did, they didn’t show it. I chose to sit next to my father that morning. I never usually sat by him at breakfast, but today it felt more appropriate. We sat in silence. I watched them all but watched Lancelot the closest. He noticed me watching and posed a faint smile. I smiled a lot bigger, to show him that everything was still the same between us. My smile quickly diminished as I realised that the others may be taking this in.

   After we had all finished, Merlin and Delrand stood up and walked towards the doors. My father followed close behind. The knights and I stayed seated. I focused on my hands. My shoulders tensed up. I bit my lip in automatic nervousness.

   ‘Elara, are you coming?’ Delrand asked.

   I turned my head sideways to him and nodded.

   ‘I’ll be out there soon, just give me a minute.’ I heard his footsteps fade away. I turned back to the knights. They each sat there bewildered without a clue of what was happening. We’d never been separated like this ever, we were true brothers-in-arms (though I’d probably be a ‘sister’). ‘Well, I guess this is goodbye.’

   ‘Goodbye? Elara, are you going to tell us what’s going on around here? You, as well as anyone, know we hate guesswork,’ complained Gawain. He was right though.

   ‘I’m leaving,’ I stated. ‘I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. Just promise me you’ll take care of yourselves and especially my father.’

   ‘Of course. But, why are you leaving? I think that’s what we’re all concerned about,’ asked Galahad.

   ‘I’m going off to learn magic, Galahad,’ I said gently. ‘It’s too difficult to explain. Tristan, can you tell them everything after I’ve left?’

   He nodded. I got up and left before they stopped me or asked me anymore questions. I could feel the restriction in my body, telling me it was wrong, but I knew deep in my heart I had to go. Walking out into the sunlight, I saw that both my horses were saddled including my sword, bow and quivers. Delrand held their reins; Merlin had already gone.

   ‘Goodbye, Elara. Take care of yourself, and be careful,’ my father repeated what I had said to the knights. He hugged me and kissed my forehead.

   ‘Goodbye, father. I will, don’t worry,’ I replied, with utter devastation inside. I couldn’t bear to let him (or, in fact, the knights) see me crying. I walked up to Rose’s side and saddled up. When I was firmly seated, Delrand climbed up onto Volareus’s back. He still had to show me his animal skills, I remembered. He began to walk towards the village. I decided I’d best follow now.

   ‘Wait!’ shouted Lancelot. I turned around in the saddle. ‘We’ll wave to you from the battlements.’

   ‘I’ll be on the nearest hill top,’ I said as I realised what he had said. I galloped off to catch Delrand up and, indeed, pass him.

   ‘Elara!’ he shouted, but I paid him no attention. I was only concerned about getting to the intended hill top in time to beat the knights to the highest battlemented tower. I knew I had a maximum of ten minutes.

   When I was insight of the gates I waved both hands vigorously. The guards opened them, but they were barely wide enough when I reached them. I gallantly galloped through and headed towards the hill. I didn’t care where Delrand was in comparison to me, I never thought what he’d make of this. Hopefully nothing.

   I reached the hill top and faced Rose back towards the castle. The hill was about a mile outside the walls circumference; I could see the knights’ individual silhouettes from this post, they were bunched together. They appeared to be waving. I kicked Rose quite hard and pulled the reins in too far, so to get Rose to raise her front legs in the air and balance on her hind legs. She managed, and I asked her to spin around. She did so quite gracefully, seeing as I had only managed to get her to do the same once before. We spun around once more and I let Rose regain connection with the ground with all four hooves. I had a tear rolling down my cheek that I quickly brushed away.

   I spotted Delrand cantering up the hill; he looked comfortable atop of Volareus. He reached me and he didn’t look happy.

   ‘What was that about?’ he asked as calmly as was possible, by the sound of his words.

   ‘Well I had to give them one last memory of me.’

   ‘Oh, sorry. Can you understand to trust me? I don’t want to have to argue with you too much on our journey to the school.’

   ‘I trust you,’ I answered, but I couldn’t be sure of what he really meant by ‘trust’. ‘And you can trust me,’ I added.

   ‘By the way, I managed to settle this one.’ He pointed to Volareus.

   ‘Yes, I noticed. How did you find him at first?’

   ‘He was very rough and careless. How long did you say you’ve had him for?’

   ‘At least five years. I tried to break him properly when I got him, but he was so difficult to deal with I gave up.’

   ‘You did a good job. I can imagine what he might have been like back then.’

   ‘Be glad you didn’t know him.’

   ‘Let’s go then, shall we?’

   ‘Lead the way.’

   He did so, we headed west as he had said.