Chapter Four: Decisions

   My dream that night was very unusual, and that is coming from a normally unusual princess.

   It was based around Lancelot and me, which I could understand. However, what I didn’t understand was the fact that I had forces working against me; pulling me away from him. They were in the forms of shadows, no real shape but strangely familiar. Above, the night sky was pitch black. Storm clouds covered the stars and moon, lightning erupted in the sky and thunder roared like the untameable sea.

  Bolting up right in a cold sweat, I scanned the room. The chair seemed to be empty, whether or not Delrand was occupying it was another matter. I got out of the warm, comfy sheets and went to the washroom. I filled the bowl with cold water and washed my face, this was refreshing; though I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep again. I was still in my ball gown and my hair was very messy. I needed something to take my mind away from the dream; so I went over to the dressing table and brushed my hair. There were too many knots, which I concluded were made from my tussling while I was dreaming. I hoped he had the decency to go away once I was asleep but I needed to make sure. ‘Delrand, are you there?’ I asked. No answer. That was good.

   ‘You called?’ he said as he appeared in the chair.

   ‘Did you stay there all night?’

   ‘Yes, but I accidentally fell asleep on my watch.’

   ‘Accidentally?’ Well, at least he wasn’t watching when I woke up, I thought to myself.

   He nodded his head. I turned to face the mirror again, and continued brushing my hair. Once I had finished, I went and sat on the end of my bed.

   We sat there watching each other. Even though Merlin said I could trust him, I couldn’t be sure. I felt a compulsion to find out more about him. Why, I didn’t know. ‘How long are you and Merlin staying here?’

   ‘We don’t know, we’re waiting for a sign.’

   My expression furrowed. ‘What kind of sign?’

   ‘I’m not easily taken off guard.’

   ‘You mean it has something to do with the news you two brought?’

   He stretched his arms above his head, which was still concealed by his hood. ‘Yes. Now it’s my turn to ask the questions.’

   ‘But I haven’t asked all of mine.’

   ‘Exactly, you seem to ask many questions, your highness.’

   ‘Excuse me?’ I scowled.

   ‘Sorry. Elara.’

   ‘That’s better. What do you want to know about me? I mean, I thought you had already guessed what I was going to be like as soon as you saw me.’

   ‘Well, I was expecting someone a little younger, and...’

   ‘And what?’

   ‘More spoilt,’ he said rather quietly as if he couldn’t put another word there for what he meant. ‘Sorry, but that is what most people expect of a princess.’

   Only to be expected. ‘Don’t be sorry, even I know that I’m rather peculiar. I mean, I don’t care if I get muddy or hurt. It’s all part of who I am.’

   ‘Why do you think that is then?’

   I hadn’t really told anyone before why I had thought I’m so odd; but talking to Delrand made me feel like I could tell him anything and know straight away that he was taking it in and keeping it locked in the spaces of his mind. He came across to me as someone rather friendly, but get on the wrong side of him and you’re in trouble.

   ‘I don’t actually know,’ I began to answer. ‘I believe it is because I never had a mother. My life has only revolved around men, so I guess I picked up my ways from them. Father thinks it is because I am more like him, on a personal basis, even though I look like my mother. Do you understand? Because it’s hard to put into words.’

   The air warmed around us as if he was smiling and it heated the room. ‘Yes, I understand. I’d better go the sun’s coming up.’

   ‘What? You’re leaving because of the sunrise?’

   ‘Yes. Plus you have to get changed.’

   ‘I do have a screen, you know.’

   ‘I know but I think it’s best for the two of us. Goodbye.’

   ‘Bye.’ And he vanished, leaving me thinking if I’ll ever see him again, even though he’s staying in the castle. I still didn’t know what he looked like.

   I shook my head; I shouldn’t have even begun to think what I just had.

   Later that morning, I was to be found in the paddock, practicing dressage steps on Rose. The elegant horse beneath me performed the steps and turns without little mistake. I was completely alone, not even Tristan or Lancelot were watching me. I tried to think back to my dream, it was still clear in my mind, but I couldn’t work out what it meant. I knew it meant something, but what?

   When Rose and I had finished, and she was back in the field (the one where the royal horses were kept during the day), I went for some archery practice. When I arrived, Tristan was there as he usually was. I thought it best to watch him first, until he ran out of arrows and had to go pull them out of the target. Walking back he spotted me. I smiled and waved at him, him to me; and I went and took my place beside him.

   ‘Competition?’ he asked.

   ‘Why not. Best of three.’

   We stood sideways on to the distant hay target. I let him shoot first. He aimed and released. The arrow flew through the air and struck the inner red line.

   ‘Eight.’

   I slotted my first arrow onto the string, pulled, until my index finger touched the corner of my mouth, aimed at the golden centre and released. The arrow sliced through the air and struck the target dead centre. That was shocking; I had never hit the centre before (except once).

   ‘Well done,’ said Tristan, but I knew he was so much better than me.

   Though the first arrow might have been a coincidence, it was nothing to what happened to my next two arrows. I did everything the same as with the first; slotted, pulled, aimed and released. Both struck the centre circle. Now I was worried, I had only ever once, in my life of archery, hit the ten mark; and that was in my first week of training. Now I had hit it three times in a row. We strode over to the target and pulled out the arrows. I checked each one for signs of tampering, but they were the same as two days ago.

   Walking back to the standing squares, I saw that Delrand was standing there. He was stood in the sunlight with his hood up again.

   ‘You still have your hood up even in this heat?’ I asked.

   ‘Yes.’

   ‘Elara, who is he?’ asked Tristan, he didn’t look pleased that I knew this man.

   ‘Tristan, this is Delrand, Merlin’s apprentice. Delrand, this is my cousin, Tristan.’

   ‘Pleased to meet you,’ Delrand said, seeming too polite.

   ‘Can you take your hood down? It’s annoying that I know you, but not your face.’

   ‘Very well,’ he said.

   He raised a hand and pulled down his hood. He looked nothing like what I was expecting. He had shoulder length, wavy black hair, green eyes and his skin was slightly tanned. In fact you could call him rather handsome, but his personality didn’t really match his looks.

   ‘That’s better,’ I said, my expression hadn’t changed. I didn’t want him to think anything of my internal reaction by on outer one. I turned around and prepared another arrow. When the arrow hit the yellow mark again, I knew something was wrong. But eventually my aiming regained its normalness. I was again hitting red and blue, just like any other day.

   When I had had enough of archery, I had nothing else to do but sit around. I didn’t want to speak or, indeed, speak to the knights after what occurred between us all last night. I knew Gawain, Galahad and Bors hadn’t finished their interrogation before Merlin interrupted. Once Tristan had walked out of earshot, I turned to Delrand. I knew we both had many more questions for each other, I more than him. So now seemed a more appropriate time than last night in my room.

   ‘Do you still have any questions for me?’ I asked him, keeping my features relaxed and calm.

   ‘Yes. I would like to know what you think of Merlin.’

   ‘What type of question is that?’

   ‘Just curious.’

   ‘Oh. Well, he’s funny, mysterious and, in a good way, dangerously powerful.’

   ‘That’s more or less what I thought when I first met him. How long have you known him?’

   ‘From around two years old, I think.’

   I was expecting another question but none came. He remained silent, his eyes were calm and didn’t show any hint to what he might be thinking. ‘Would you like to go for a walk?’ I asked, finally annoyed by his quietness.

   ‘Where to?’

   ‘Anywhere, as long as the knights aren’t there.’

   ‘After you.’ I walked past him in the opposite direction to the practice arenas. He walked beside me, but not too close. ‘Why mustn’t the knights be there?’ Now he began to ask the questions a bit more freely than before, though this wasn’t a good one for me to answer.

   ‘You don’t need to know why; just that it’s a bit uncomfortable between us all at the moment. I thought you had some questions that you didn’t ask, from this morning.’

   ‘I do, but you might think I’m a bit crazy if I ask them.’

   ‘Why would I think that?’ I didn’t think he was crazy, what’s he assuming?

   ‘Just let me ask you first. What would you say if you were to find out something secret about yourself?’

   ‘That I all ready know everything about me, and there’s nothing that I don’t know.’

   ‘Yes, but what if it was to do with your being here?’

   I turned to him confused. ‘Being here in what way?’

   ‘Existing.’

   ‘That I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.’

   He began to laugh and so did I. It wasn’t fake, it was real laughing.

   ‘Delrand, what have you told her?’ It was Merlin, and he didn’t look or sound very happy, I hadn’t heard him speak like that, ever.

   ‘I haven’t told her anything, master. And she hasn’t guessed, so she still doesn’t know,’ Delrand answered. I just stood there at the side watching and listening. ‘We were just getting to know each other, that’s all. No harm done.’

   ‘Yes, but you’re not to even go anywhere near that subject.’

   ‘Sorry.’ Delrand seemed to be back to the way he was when I first met him.

   ‘So it is all about me. Why won’t you let me know what all the fuss is about? It’s not fair,’ I complained rather loudly.

   ‘Because we can’t tell you, you need to find out on your own.’

   That started a torrent inside my head, and I didn’t have a clue what happened next.

   I must have fainted or something, because I woke up lying on the grass. I could hear voices nearby, but no specific words. I still had my eyes closed; I opened them and saw Delrand knelt over me.

   ‘Argh.’

   ‘Oh, you’re awake.’ He pulled back so he rested on his lower legs. I sat up, and felt disorientated.

   ‘What happened?’ I asked.

   He whispered kindly to me while taking hold of my upper arm. ‘I don’t think I’m the one to tell you.’

   ‘Why not? It won’t make any difference who tells me if I’m going to be told anyway.’

   ‘True, but still, I’m not going to tell you.’

   ‘Great,’ I said sarcastically.

   ‘Just stay calm. Can you get up?’

   ‘I think so.’ He helped me up, although I could have managed by myself.

   ‘Now what do we do?’

   Rubbing the side of my head, I looked around. ‘How am I supposed to know, I don’t even know what happened to me.’

   ‘Not you. Merlin.’

   ‘Why didn’t you say?’

   He didn’t answer. Merlin came up to us and he looked happier than before, he was smiling. I raised an eyebrow. ‘What? What happened?’ I repeated.

   ‘Something you need to hear inside. Follow me.’

   ‘Can you walk?’ Delrand asked.

   ‘Yes.’ He let me go, and we followed Merlin round the walls and inside. We gathered into the small room that Merlin and my father talked in on the ball night. My father was already in there, clearly Merlin had already told him (whatever it was); he looked rather concerned for my sake.

   ‘Elara, are you alright?’ he asked as he saw me. He was hugging me before I could answer.

   ‘I would be if I knew what was going on,’ I said as soon as he released me.

   ‘Yes, I think it’s about time she knew, Merlin.’

   ‘Knew what? What happened? Why was I unconscious?’ No one answered my questions, and I was beginning to wonder whether anyone will give in to my anxiousness.

   ‘Do you know the meaning of the word astronomy?’ asked Merlin.

   ‘Yes, it is the study of the stars.’

   ‘And you know we use them to predict people’s futures?’ I nodded. ‘Yours was very interesting. I studied it myself.’

   ‘Merlin, just tell her straight off,’ my father told him.

   ‘Very well. Elara, you have sorceress blood in you.’

   I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Surely he had to be mistaken. ‘Wh... what are you saying?’ I mumbled. My eyes were unfocused, my mouth was slightly open. I was confused and I was shaking uncontrollably.

   ‘I knew we shouldn’t have told her. She can’t even believe us when we tell her what she is.’ Delrand sounded determined to undermine me.

   ‘Elara, ignore him. He’s just coming to terms with it himself.’ Merlin added before I could say anything back.

   ‘Wait a minute. You mean I’m a wizard like you two, inside.’

   He nodded his head slowly. ‘Yes. Do you want to know why you were unconscious?’

   ‘Yes, why is that?’

   ‘We couldn’t tell you before because we had to see if you really had it in there. And you do, but the way you showed it was a bit dramatic,’ Delrand commented. ‘If my guard wasn’t up you could have done a lot of damage.’

   ‘What exactly did I do?’

   ‘You let out the frustration built up inside quite vigorously.’

   ‘Merlin, what does she have to do now?’ My father seemed to be ready to let me be able to use magic, although it seemed he couldn’t do anything about it if he tried. Almost as if he didn’t care whether I would reject the invite, but hoped I would accept. It mainly came down to his friendship with Merlin. However, Delrand had other ideas; he looked as if he’d be glad if I walked away right now. And I had the idea to do just that, but something seemed to call me to take it up.

   ‘She needs training from an experienced wizard such as Delrand.’

   ‘What?’ Delrand and I asked in unison. Clearly he didn’t want to have to watch me for any longer than one night. I didn’t want to be answering to this stranger. We stared at each other in strong frowns. We looked away after quite a long seeming moment.

   ‘I wondered why you brought me here, Merlin. Now I know, I want to leave.’

   ‘There’s no getting out of it. That means you too, Elara.’

   ‘Can’t you teach me instead?’

   ‘No, I already have Delrand as an apprentice; I can’t have you as well.’

   ‘Why not? You know I’m a quick learner, I won’t be a burden for long.’

   ‘I can’t, being an apprentice is a lifelong career, until your master agrees to let you go or he dies.’

   ‘Fine,’ I said reluctantly.

   ‘I’m not agreeing,’ complained Delrand.

   ‘Why not? You’ll be good at it. Anyway, you’ll end up with a younger apprentice if you don’t choose her now.’

   ‘I’m willing to have the harder challenge.’

   ‘Like she said, she’s...’ began Merlin, but I had something stronger to say to him.

   ‘It’s because you think I’ll try to out do you all the time. You think I’m used to having my own way all the time that you think I’ll be difficult to teach.’ My father remained beside me, his arms shielding me from any harm but I tried to pull out of his hold.

   ‘That may be part of it.’

   ‘I’ll prove you wrong. Can you give me tonight to sleep on it, Merlin?’

   ‘Very well, but don’t change your mind. If you’re not taught to control the power, it’ll end up controlling you.’

   I looked at the floor and bit my lip. The truth was I didn’t mind having this power in me. It meant that I’d have to leave Camelot, leaving my father. I was needed here and I couldn’t just pack up and go. And what about Lancelot? I’d have to leave him behind, who knows how long I’ll be gone.

   I walked out the door and all the way to my quarters in silence. I thought of all the good and bad sides about the situation. I’d have to talk to Lancelot, he needed to know, and Tristan. I had too much on my mind lately. I needed a day away from this place, alone would be best. I knew that was out of the question, my father would never allow it. How soon would it be before I would be taken away?

   Beth was already in my room when I got there. She asked me what was wrong, I told her to take the rest of the day off (after she brought in some hot water for a bath). I couldn’t bear to talk about my problem openly. Never before had so much happened within a week to me. First Lancelot, then this sorceress business. I took my time while in the tub; I didn’t want to rush anything.

   My dream that night was worse than the previous night. Now I knew the reasons behind all the recent strangeness, I couldn’t help but recognise the different paths I could take. Worst of all was that, if I did choose to take up magic, I would have to be taught by Delrand, and we weren’t exactly the greatest pair ever to be put together.

   In the morning I woke up to what felt like a fresh start. I had made up my mind, but some things needed sorting out first, before I spoke to Merlin and Delrand. I got changed and went down to breakfast. Most of the knights were there, father wasn’t, but that didn’t matter. Spotting Lancelot, I went to sit by him.

   ‘Can I talk to you later?’ I asked him as I spread some jam onto a piece of toast.

   ‘Yes. You seem cheery.’

   ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ He shrugged his shoulders. I noticed that the others were listening in, I watched them intently. ‘Tristan, I need to talk to you at the same time.’

   ‘Okay. What about?’

   ‘You’ll have to wait.’

   He rolled his eyes and shook his head. I laughed.

   After breakfast, we waited for the rest to go out of the room. I knew they would try to listen through the door. I motioned to the other two to keep quiet and follow me. We filed into another smaller room (there were many of these inside the castle). I shut the door and turned around; I didn’t wear a smile now, just a straight face.

   ‘I need to ask you your opinions on something for me.’

   ‘What is it?’ asked Tristan.

   ‘First, I need to explain the situation.’

   ‘Go ahead,’ said Lancelot.

   I took about five minutes to say all of my findings from yesterday. They listened, not interrupting. After I had finished the story I asked them what they thought I should do.

   Tristan thought I should go, if it meant that I wouldn’t be a danger to everyone I cared about.

   Lancelot didn’t answer straight away, he asked Tristan to leave. I agreed it would be better if he did. I waited for the door to click shut, before looking into Lancelot’s eyes. He looked at me.

   ‘What do you think I should do?’ I asked him again quietly.

   ‘I don’t want you go, but that means you’ll get worse in time. You should go, but I’ll still be here waiting for you to come back.’

   I turned around. ‘Don’t talk like that, you’re making me upset.’

   ‘Sorry, but it’s true.’ I knew he meant it, but something else resurfaced into my thoughts, something that I had told Beth earlier this week.

   ‘I know you love me, but the truth is that I don’t know if I love you. What I mean is that, I don’t know if it’s the same as you feel for me.’

   ‘What’s holding you back?’

   ‘Nothing, it’s just that I’ve known you all my life more as a brother, to change how I feel about you is rather complicated. When you kissed me it was really sweet but somehow it didn’t seem completely right.’

   ‘So you’re saying that we shouldn’t be together in that way?’

   ‘I’m so sorry, Lancelot. If I led you to believe I really loved you back, I’m really sorry.’ Tears began to stream down my cheeks, tears of a broken dream that I knew could never be mended.

   ‘Don’t cry, I understand but you’ll have to be careful next time you find yourself feeling something for someone.’ He spoke to me as he hugged me.

   He held me as he did when he first kissed me. I moved my arms onto his upper back. I couldn’t seem to find the strength to say anything more. The tears and emotions overwhelmed me. He rocked me gently, as you would a small child. I wanted to melt into him, but that would never happen in any form, we would never be together as I had once wished. He moved his hands onto my elbows and pulled my hands away from his body and into his.

   ‘This is goodbye then?’

   ‘Not forever, we’ll see each other again,’ I told him.

   ‘I love you,’ he said and walked past me, slightly brushing against me. He might have looked back to see me one last time. I didn’t know, I never turned to stop him. I waited for a moment, trying to control my breathing. But it was all too strong for me. I cried stronger than I had in years. The tears were like two small salty waterfalls down my skin. I went to sit against the wall. I sat with my knees against my chest, my arms around my knees and my face buried into my thighs. My heart pounded in my chest. I sobbed for ages. I felt so empty, so alone. Why did it have to happen to me? I replayed what I wanted that moment to be like. How I wished that I had stopped him from leaving the room. To kiss him one last time before we separated. But I knew in my heart that I could never change that.