song for the reaction: House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco

dedication: @-yvania- because i'm giving dedications to my dedicated readers <33

Reaction 18 || Denny ||

Jeez Cath, how could you? I don't understand what the hell is wrong with you. I keep praying for something to change and maybe Toni would forgive me, but that isn't going to happen. Why would you say that stuff to her? Now she thinks I'm a terrible person, I thought we were friends, but I guess not. Since you're dead now, I assume that you're in hell but I can't find you anywhere down here. 

You must have thought you were the victim, but let's be real here, the only victims here are those whom you wrote letters about. You blasted each and everyone of their stories and what they did to you. Don't act all innocent. You're not special and you're sure as hell not good enough for the pity.

You killed yourself but you killed yourself and put the blame of your death on 30 other people. It doesn't matter that you blamed yourself, you told everyone about what I did to Toni. The funny thing is that you and I were the only people in that room and there are always two sides to a story. Cath, you must have thought that everyone at school loved you or something because in truth, none of us liked you. Not Jax, Cody, Austin, and not even me. Get your head out of the gutter because no one would like to kiss you.

Toni, didn't break up with me because of the kiss. God, I've kissed so many girls in our relationship and she saw them too. Sorry, but the truth is she never really cared about you. I know that you thought she was your best friend for a few years, but I always meant more to her than you ever did. She broke up with me because when she saw me kiss you, she came in as soon as you left. We got in a huge argument. My anger blindsided me, I blacked out. I couldn't remember a thing. There were white spots around my eyes. As soon as my vision came to, my hands were covered with blood. They were scarred and red. Puddles of blood appeared next to me. I had punched Toni. I had hit her, not once, not twice, but three times. I hit her in the mouth, on her face, on her gorgeous, beautiful face and I hit her eye. 

I knew she would break up with me immediately. I knew it. I never condoned violence and I never thought I would be the start of an abusive relationship. I couldn't deal with the guilt and that's why I took my life. Cath, don't act like you knew everything because you didn't and if you did, then you would know why your supposed best friend was walking around with bruises and badly concealed eyes. 

The thing is Cath, I can't stop seeing Toni everywhere I go. Did she die? I wouldn't be able to survive in hell if that happened. She's walking around and she's always there. She keeps showing up out of nowhere, with her bloodied face and her chipped teeth. Every time I look down, I see my hands all bloodied again. She keeps talking to me too, she won't stop. She keeps asking me, why I did it? I keep answering that it didn't mean anything and she just gets even madder. She yells at me too. She asks me how could it not mean anything. She saw the way I looked. I keep getting confused, is she talking about the kiss or the way that I punched her? I'll try to go to sleep and every time I try, she wants to stay up and talk. She wants to talk about all the memories we had. She talks about our first kiss, our first anniversary, how I asked her out, how we planned to go to prom together and then she reminisces about our last kiss and finally our last conversation. She reminds me of every single detail. I don't understand why she's still here. My only thought to what is happening is that she died too. Yet, I feel like I would have known or she should have gone to heaven. Why the hell is she here?

Wait. Cath, did you send her? Cause she's staring right at me right now. I'm so confused. She's talking about us again. It just sounds like a mix of words that don't make any sense. "We loved used to other each, please happened to us what?"  I keep telling her I don't know, it doesn't mean anything and why are you here. I ask her in that order and she always disappears every time I ask her why she's here. She hasn't left yet, I'm going to ask her now. She won't reply.

Cath, I know you never loved anyone but the lonely moments just get lonelier and the longer you're in love, the more you wish you were alone. I think about you from time to time but baby we built this house and please take my picture now and shake it till you see the answers that you need. And I was too young to die but please just leave me alone in this house of memories. Oh god, please leave me alone Toni. You're not real but, why are you still here, I don't understand it. You can't just be a memory because you look so real and you talk so real and you're looking at me with those eyes. Please just tell me are you talking about the kiss with Cath or the way I punched you?