A/N - After many years of being on WP & having readers ask, I finally entered the Wattys. I never wanted to do it because I doubt I'd win, however I did. I've entered this story and Silence Remains. To help me win (lol) tweet the link to the nominated stories with #Wattys2015 (tag me too so I can retweet it!) Thank you guys! <3

Music for this chapter:

"I Tried" - We Are Harlot
"I'm Low On Gas and You Need a Jacket" (Alternative Version) - Pierce The Veil
"Done For You" - Black Veil Brides

Ricky

With my best efforts, I stirred as my mind woke. What the Hell happened? I can't even manage to recall my last thoughts, and... And what the fuck is that ringing noise? There's no way I'm going to be able to think with that piercing caw. It was almost like when a speaker blows during a show, but ten times worse.

Then, that screech became minuscule in comparison to my heart racing in my ears. The pounding force of a thousand drums pulsed throughout my body. I finally managed to open my eyes, seeing nothing but fast moving white light. Muffled voices fell in the background of my dazed state. I couldn't decide whether this was an overly lucid dream or not. All I knew was, it wasn't right.

A coldness became apparent to my skin, but a numbness consuming me caused me to care less. My lungs grew strained, and I soon became concious of the lack of air I was drawing in. I gasped the best I could. The shooting pains rushing down my windpipe made me realize, there was no way this was a dream.

Something fell over my mouth, easing my airways. However the tradeoff for breathing, was slowly slipping away from the little bit of coincousness I was holding onto. As my eyelids drew heavy, I could finally recall my last memory... A world upside down... The rain rushing over the bridge, dragging my blood in the runoff water.

Devin

Everyone tonight felt a need to step between myself and the one thing that mattered most. I couldn't care less about regulations, procedures, and what have you! All I wanted was to know if Ricky was okay! All these fucks won't tell me a damn thing. Why? Because they think they're so fucking high and mighty with their police badges and nursing licenses! I'm not going to let a pussy bottom-level cop and a dumb cunt behind a greeting desk keep me from knowing the life status of my best friend.

"Devin," Angelo spoke cautiously. He interrupted my pacing, stoping me with his hangs on my arms. "Dev, look, I'm pissed too. Plotting the receptionist's murder in your head isn't going to help Ricky though."

"What? And you're okay with some bimbo that probably only became a nurse to bag some rich-ass doctor, talk to us about Ricky like he's just a number on a file? He's a human life, and that fucking bitch couldn't care less. She cares more about her hair, and making sure she's chewing her gum loud enough the whole room can hear her!" I rambled on. Smoke must've been coming from my ears, I was so fuming!

"Like I said, as mad as I am at her, anger isn't going to save Ricky's life. I know it's frustration, trust me, but you need to breathe." He somberly told me.

I continued my pacing a moment more as I tried to stay tough as nails and angry as an ox. Taking a deep breath in as I looked up at the ceiling, I felt the emotion wash over me. "I'm trying to be strong, and I know anger won't help, but Goddamn it! I just want to know if Ricky is alive! I just..." Like a ton of bricks, the stars felt as if they were crashing in my eyes. I covered my face to try to hide the oncoming tears as my voice trembled. "I just want to know if Ricky is okay."

My vision blurred and the surge of pain washed over my eyes. Angelo's hands rested on my shoulders again. This time, he lovingly directed me over to the waiting room chair next to Ryan. I let my walls fall, crumble even, because I couldn't hold on anymore. My best friend was just in a potentially fatal car accident. I saw his almost limp body being dragged out of a mangeled car. His tattoos were lost under blood, and his beauty faded by a loss of color in his face.

I will never forget what I saw tonight. Nor, will I ever be able to let go of these feelings. Never in my life have I ever feared something so much, that I couldn't even see straight. My thoughts, they rested in a maze of tangled cobwebs. And tonight, I have a feeling, my fears know that I'm scared. I've found myself praying to forces I've never believed in. That's how much I am scared of losing Ricky.

How could I ever forget all the times we shared? Both good and bad, we've seen it all. Ricky has put up with all the times I've dragged him to Disneyland, and I've endured his terrible dad jokes. He's listened to me rant about Kylie and I's arguments, and I've held him when he cried over Zane. So many nights, he's talked me out of breaking it off with Kylie, and I've helped him cover up his bruises with makeup. I've fought for his smile, just as he's brought out mine. All those sleepless nights writing songs, and staying up in hotel rooms to watch old horror movies... I don't want to let go of that. I can't remember what my life was like prior to our friendship.

Ricky has been the rock that has held me in the heaviest of storms. Now, the rock is cracking, and I fear the winds might finally pull it from the sand. There's no way anyone could be this cruel, to take my one beam of sunlight from my dark cave.

"I'm sure he'll be okay. He's a fighter." Ryan said over our silence.

I shook my head, trying to blink tears away. "Don't say shit like that. It'll just fucking jinx us."

"Maybe we're best left to silence right now." Angelo suggested.

He got distracted by something and glanced over the row of chairs. I was too overworked and tired to bother looking, but I could tell by the smell of deep cologne, that it was Chris. Angelo greeted him with an overly affectionate hug. Sabrina was too off in thought, and honestly too much in denial, to see the way Chris buried his face Angelo's neck. Ryan glanced at me out of the corner of his eye with concern. I just shot him a small smile laced in disappointment.

"Josh and Ryan-Ashley are on their way. Have you heard anything?" Chris questioned.

"No." Angelo bitterly admitted. "They won't tell us anything."

"Supposedly because we're not family, but I think it's because they don't know anything." I added.

Chris scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Well what the fuck do they expect us to do? Aside from the fact that Ricky's only blood family is across the country, he disowned them. We are the only family he has."

"Try telling them that." Ryan sighed.

"I'll go talk to them." He replied, turning towards the receptionist's desk.

It won't do any good. I don't know why Chris thinks he'll be able to get any information out of them that we couldn't. They're going to tell him to fuck off in the most polite way possible. The only person that could really help us right now, is for Ricky's doctor to come out here. The fact that he's still in the O.R. this long has me concerned. We've been sitting here a while.

Angelo walked out front of the hospital to call Kelly and update her. There isn't much to update her on! I know I must be beating that topic into the ground, but damn it, it is so wrong they won't tell us anything. Fuck blood and birth, we are Ricky's family.

Chris started to approach us, just as we heard the doors slide open. Josh and Ryan-Ashley both walked in, with tired faces painting in worry. My own face was still very flushed, but I made sure my crying was short lived. I've got to be strong, if nothing else, for Ricky.

"Nothing?" Sabrina asked him from where she had taken a seat next to Ryan.

He let out a heavy breath through his pierced lips. "Nothing."

"Don't tell me..." Josh fearfully spoke as he approached. "They're being assholes and will only release information to the family?"

"Yup." Ryan replied.

"It's just a waiting game, now." I stated, feeling the anxiety start to get to me.

"Where's Zane?" Josh asked.

The silence awkwardly fell upon us. None of us had thought much about him. He's been Ricky's boyfriend for as long we could remember, but we all hated him so much... He hurts Ricky in so many different ways. I don't want him here.

"Fuck him." I scoffed.

"Devin, as much as you don't like it, Zane is Ricky's boyfriend." He responded. "How would you feel if Kylie got into an accident and no one called you?"

Well I'd be pissed, if we were still together and all. I haven't told anyone that she left today, and I'm postponing it. I don't want to tell anyone right now. It'd be bad timing anyways. We all should be focusing on Ricky.

"They've been living together long enough to be considered common law married, right? He could help you guys find out if Ricky is okay." Ryan-Ashley suggested.

She was right, and it was our only option. I sighed in defeat, letting my lack of words tell the others to just go ahead and call the bastard. If there was anyone I truly would risk a life in prison for murdering, it'd be Zane. I hope when he dies, the Devil tortures him the way he hurt Ricky. He thinks it's okay to hit such a soft heart as Ricky's, if he simply is running late with dinner or forgets to do the laundry. Only a coward hides behind his anger... I realize how hypocritical that sounds.

The truth is, I am scared. I'm so scared of losing Ricky. In the midst of all my emotions, the last thing I want is to put up with that fucker right now.

A nurse pushed open the double doors that I had been staring at almost all night. She looked around the room, seeming surprised by the amount of leather and tattoos. This short strawberry blond looked the type that sits in church every damn Sunday and spends her day off watering flowers. The exact type of person that revolts me. Lucky me, it also happens to be the type that runs scared of me. However, knowing she could be holding Ricky's files in her hand, I reframed from giving her any dirty looks.

She approached us, quickly letting her eyes settle on Angelo. I guess she sensed he was the most docile of all of us. "I... assume you are the family of Richard Olson." She spoke through a Strawberry-Shortcake voice.

Chris slipped his phone in his pocket as he hung it up, responding, "We're his bandmates, actually, but his boyfriend is on the way."

"Boyfr-" She mumbled to herself, then it hit her that her patient was gay. "Oh, oh. I see. Alright, I will be back soon then." Like I said, bible thumper. I'm sure she believes anyone deserves to live, but hearing she had been treating a gay man threw her off a tad.

I never understand how people can say Ricky doesn't seem or look gay. He's got such a soft feminine heart, and for fuck's sake, he's a thin as a twig. I guess people see what they want to see. Fuck, I wish I had that ability. I would tune out the fact that Zane is an abusive asshole. I'd numb myself to Ricky's pain, and maybe then I'd forget my own. I know Ricky loves him, but why, I have no clue.

The others found something to talk about. My thoughts were swimming too much to focus on small talk, or really just focus at all. However I did notice when Zane arrived. It's a little hard not to miss his 6'3" frame, covered in translucent skin that I'd love to peel from his bones. Disgusting piece of shit. His makeup wasn't even run, and his eyes dead, as if he hadn't shed one tear over the fact is boyfriend was in a massive car accident.

We were all cold to his arrival. The only reason any of us remained civil was because we needed him. We didn't want him, but we fucking needed him Goddamn it. I swear, if Ricky stays with him much longer, I might just go insane. Zane wouldn't even look at me. He knew I would claw his snake-like pale green eyes out if he did.

He turned his attention towards the nurse as she returned to the lobby. She spoke to him at a rather low tone, causing me not to hear a word they were saying. Of course I did hear him snap at her like a vicious dog. "Excuse me?!" He firmly spoke.

"I-I'm so sorry, Sir." She responded, sounding as if she was going to break like a child.

"If you were fucking sorry, this wouldn't have happened!" Zane was furious with her. Whatever happened, I can bet it wasn't the nurse's fault. He looked like he was about ready to hit her in front of the entire waiting room. Angelo quickly stepped in, only to get his head bit off too. "Fucking leave me alone, Angelo!"

"Hey!" Chris interjected. "You don't speak to him that way!"

"Of course you're quick to defend your precious boyfriend, Cerulli." He scoffed.

Chris turned white. I know tensions are high right now, but that was uncalled for. Yeah, we all knew it. We just didn't say anything. For him to say that, in front of Sabrina nonetheless, was just a dick move. Angelo, being much more passive than Chris, tried to soften the situation.

"Guys, fighting isn't going to help anyone." Ange said.

"He's right." Josh added. "We just want to know if Ricky's okay."

Zane turned to the nurse again. His back was to us, and I could easily see his fists were tightening as she spoke. I hope he doesn't actually get angry enough to punch her. That's the last thing we need. Zane would be that selfish though, to cause a scene like that despite the conditions. He turned away from the nurse and we were all hoping he'd tell us what's going on.

"Well?" I finally asked as I realized he had no plans on sharing the news.

He grit his teeth. "Well what?! Well is Ricky okay? He's the exact opposite of okay."

"Can you please just tell us what happened?" Ryan pleaded. We were all getting sick of the games!

Zane, even as tough as he was, had glassy eyes. He ran a hand through his jet black hair and took a deep breath. I never thought he loved Ricky, but maybe this was a little more than an act. One tear managed to slip from his eye as he somberly spoke, "He's on life support right now, but he's braindead. They're just waiting on me to let them pull the plug."

My whole body chilled over as I stared at Zane. Part of me didn't even want to process this. I heard the words but I just didn't want to believe that Ricky was... gone. There's... There's no way this is reality. It's got to be a bad dream, a nightmare. I've never even had nightmares this bad. I leaned forward in my chair and started to rock myself as I fought this denial. Ricky seriously can't be... No, no, no... This can't be... He can't be... But he was. He was and I had no idea what to do with myself.

No one knew what to do, how to react. Josh excused himself from the room, and Ryan-Ashley followed after him with concern. Angelo was the first to let himself actually break. He started to cry, and Chris lost all care about Sabrina's presence. He pulled Angelo against his chest as his own tears fell down his pale face.

My face was flushed and burning. Tears stung my shaking vision. I couldn't even comprehend this. Someone grabbed my hand, and I glanced up to see it was Ryan. Silently, the tears fell from his eyes as he looked at my sympathetically. All our walls fell down, crumbled even. We never thought any of us would just end up dead, and for it to be Ricky... Why did he have to leave us? The one angel among us demons, and he just had to go home so early? This wasn't fair.

I know life isn't fair, but this kind of shit isn't supposed to happen. No matter how many stories of car accidents you see on the news, that shit doesn't actually happen to people! But it did, and it happened to us. It happened to Ricky. His spirit may be free now, but mine just became even more broken than before.

How am I going to live without my best friend? I tried my damnedest to be the strong one. There was no way I was staying stable. I broke down in that waiting room, crying more than any of us. Ryan was nice enough to try to comfort me, despite being just as destroyed about it. Somehow, amongst my swarming mind, I caught some of the conversation around me.

"Sir, would you like to be in the room when we take him off life support?" The nurse asked Zane.

"No, no, I... I can't... I can't bear to see him. Not like this, no." Zane muttered in response. I could hear in his voice, he was going crazy.

"Then, at least let any of us that want to be." Chris replied. "Please."

"Sir?" The nurse questioned after a moment without a response.

"Fine, fine!" He sneered. "Let them see the body. I... I don't care... I... I can't stand to be in this hospital anymore."

I glanced up, and through my blurred vision, saw Zane run out the front door. Sabrina took a step out to let Josh know. He and Ryan-Ashley walked back inside with red faces. How are we going to tell his parents? How are we going to tell the fans? How are we even going to admit to ourselves that our best friend is gone?

Ryan-Ashley and Sabrina stayed in the waiting room. Some of us were more reluctant than others to follow the nurse back. Even though I know Ricky's soul, the person I loved, is no longer in that body, I have to see his physical form to give myself some kind of visual that he's gone. No matter how hard it was to walk into that room, I felt some weird sense of serenity to see Ricky's body. He was so damn beautiful... Was... I'm not going to get used to saying that.

The nurse was somewhat uncomfortable with us all, but I couldn't give a fuck. I cared about as much as Ange and Chris cared about hiding their really obvious secrete right now. Chris kept his hands around Angelo's waist. Both of them stood near the end of the bed. Josh sat down in one corner of the room, and Ryan leaned on the wall behind him. I took the seat closest to the bed as I stared at Ricky's hollow body.

I'm never going to see those ocean crystal blue eyes ever again. There will never be a morning now where I will wake up in my bunk to the sound of him playing his guitar in the back bunk. He's never again going to show up at my apartment unannounced with some song idea. I won't ever get to see that smug smile he'd get when I called him roadkill, or get to laugh at him making fun of people in Walmart at 2AM. All the many times we put our hands in before a show, he's not going to be there anymore. I will never get to hear him sing harmony onstage again.

Ricky was just unfairly ripped from my life. Without any warning, he was taken. I have to tell myself, at least he isn't in pain anymore. He won't have to fight his depression or ever be mercy to Zane again. What he's left me with though, was his sorrow. How will I ever live without the most important part of my life? I took him for granted. We all did.

The nurse leaned over the bed and began unhooking monitors. With each that shut down, I felt a piece of my soul leave my body. Finally, she turned off the machine allowing his body to breathe. His last breath escaped, killing what was left of my heart.

I love you Ricky. I'm sorry I ever hesitated to tell you that. I'm sorry I never told you the way I feel. Maybe if I had, maybe if I did grab you and just kissed you all those times I wanted to... Maybe you would have kissed me too, and left Zane, and we could have lived happily. You would have never had a reason to leave the house tonight, and you wouldn't have gotten in the accident, and you wouldn't have left me alone in this Hell. If I wasn't so scared, maybe my worst fear wouldn't have ever come to light... I'm sorry.