XXIII ‖ terribly wrong

LONDON
February
Location: Elysium, Lethe

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"As you've been taught, cacs can be annihilated by aiming straight for their head or heart," Jax explained, before continuing, "For diabolos, it's a different story." 

"How different?" I asked. 

"There two classes of diabolos: superior and infernal. Depending on which, you're going to have to handle them differently. Let's talk about superior first. Superior diabolos are also known as shadows. To eliminate them, you have to aim straight for their heart but they're a lot stronger and larger than cacs. Unfortunately, their heart doesn't lay in the same place all the time and that's what makes it difficult to hunt them." 

Once he was done with the short introduction to the theory, he passed me a dagger and I inspected the blades very carefully. My thumb smoothed over the intricate engraving that I saw him tracing over a moment ago and a feeling of unfamiliar energy channeled from the blade to the tip of my finger. 

"That is an apotropaic symbol. There are almost an endless number of variants but each symbol is imbued with energies that once traced, will respond and grant the wearer its protection," he said. "Influence and mindspells will never work on you once you trace an apotropaic symbol on your wielded weapon." 

"That's almost..." I drew in a breath, and commented, "Unhuman." 

"Which part of what we're doing belonged to the human range of normality, sweetness?" Jax laughed. 

"I don't think I have capability to activate this voodoo shit," I said.

"I just did and you definitely can," Jax shrugged his shoulders slightly. "I'm sure you felt the energy when you traced the thing a while ago." 

"Why don't we know these?" I questioned.

"Not necessary if you're just hunting cacs. They can't affect minds," he replied. "While everyone can use apotropaic magic, only Morgiana has the ability to forge weapons with these carved symbols. Other than the Elites in Lethe, no one would ever touch these."

"Are these symbols powerful?"

"Yes, they are." Jax nodded firmly.

"If so, what happened to the twelve Elites?"

Jax flinched at the sudden mention and I instantly became more determined to sought out an answer just by the way he reacted. However, to my disappointment, he only sighed, "I don't know."

"You're on that mission?"

"Rhys and Olivia were," he answered and I noticed the tinge of pain in his tone. Rhys and Olivia. I assume they're his partners and just like Vivienne, Seth and I, they were a trio. It's uncommon for partners to not end up in the same mission, but considering the way Lethe worked, almost every permutation of happenings seemed very likely.

Threading carefully, I wanted to learn more but I didn't want to mindlessly step on a landmine. More than anyone, I understood the amount of hurt involved when someone pushed you to talk about something you tried so desperately to seal from the world. I checked, "Can I continue to ask?"

"Sure, but I can't promise I have all the answers," Jax said, voice low.

"Seth told me that you were deployed to oversee the situation in Styx five years ago," I brought it up and he lifted his gaze to look towards me. Within those greyish-blue eyes held a complicated mix of confusion and curiosity. I swallowed hard, "Can you—"

"Iva," he cut in quickly, his tone serious. "These are classified missions and I'm afraid I don't have the exact answers to your questions."

"Jax," I pleaded, grabbing onto his arm and dropped my head low. "I just want to know about one person, just one, please."

"You're making this difficult for me, latreía mou," he replied, voice hard. "But ask anyway, who exactly are you trying to find out?"

"Sebastian Langton," I replied.

"Iva," he exhaled. "Some things are better left not known." 

With that, he fell silent the next moment as he looked towards me with an indecipherable expression while refusing to utter any more words. Everything he said wasn't even an answer to my question but it was clear enough for me to understand what it meant. 

I waited for five whole years for someone to give me an answer to this gap in my memory but when I finally gotten it, I didn't feel any better. Instead the guilt consumed me and I cried, unable to hold my tears back longer. 

I couldn't even remember the last time I ever cried in front of another person but the rawness of my emotions still cuts deep despite the amount of years passed. I despaired. I despaired so profoundly at the fact that I couldn't go back in time to change the sequence of events and that I couldn't bring Sebastian back.

All the words were lost to the gathered emotions lodged in my throat. Loosening my grip on Jax's arm, my hands slipped without any strength left in me to carry myself upright. My body swayed but Jax caught me instantly and pulled me into his hold as he whispered into my hair, "Iva, what happened back then wasn't your fault." 

"How is it not?" I ached, my voice cracked and words were forced through the incredulous amount of pain I felt in my chest.

How is it not?

Everything I witnessed the moment before I blacked out was clearly etched in my mind. I was attacked from behind and in order to save me, Sebastian threw himself right in front of me and what came next happened right in front of my very eyes. 

Third rule of Elysium, hunt or be hunted. This is a warning that was drilled into our minds since we're young. Cacs and diabolos feed on human's evil energies, but they don't often kill their sustenance, unless they found out about your identity as a member of Elysium. 

Any of us who unfortunately landed ourselves in the hands of them stand no chance of survival. They would unhesitatingly wipe off our existence, not the metaphorical meaning of death, but an actual disappearance. Vanished into thin air with no bodies and nothing at all left. 

No one knew what happened to the souls, even the Guardians. But if Elysium had spent all the years teaching us to kill ourselves before they could get us, it simply proved how dangerous it would be to fall prey to them. Over the whole thing, I also wished it wasn't my fault but I would never forget that the last thing I saw before I snapped unconscious was Sebastian's horror-filled face as a cac bared it's damned fangs to his neck. Neither could I explain why, on that very day, the eight assassins deployed from Styx had disappeared without a trace and I was the only one who survived when I wasn't even supposed to be there. 

"It wasn't a butterfly effect, Iva," Jax explained. "Your presence was not a variable to the outcome of that mission." 

"You don't understand," I choked. My emotions were splayed all over the place and I felt my breathing becoming erratic, "It didn't feel right at all that day. I went against Harod's instruction and I interfered—"

"It really wasn't your fault, sweetness." He moved me and cupped on my cheeks, wiping away tears from the corner of my eyes. "You just have to believe when I say it wasn't."

I looked towards Jax and thought about how I hadn't meant to bare all my vulnerabilities to him, but this guy held the magic to always rip me right open in the middle and let himself see a side of me that I would never open up to anyone else. Since five years ago, I sealed myself away even when those destructive emotions were slowly killing me from within. All the darkness that shrouded in my mind was taking away every last bit of my sanity and I didn't dare to tell anyone. Not even Vivienne or Seth, just because I didn't want them to drown in this endless misery of mine. 

Everyone was in grief and I wasn't the only one who lost someone dear to me. Vivienne had plenty to deal with after she lost Xavier to that day too. But I couldn't help her because I was't in a good place myself and between the two of us, I decided to act like I was fine just so that Seth could care for her in my stead. I continued to pretend, even when my grief grew complicated. But if I had been so great at hiding behind my facade, then why do I feel so vulnerable towards this man? Why am I revealing myself in all honesty in front of this person that I barely knew? 

My vision started to blur as I came to realisation that I wasn't breathing right. My heart was pounding fast in my chest and everything in my consciousness was disappearing like receding tidewaters. Before I knew it, I was already gasping for dear air. Jax quickly grabbed a bag from his side and placed it over my nose and mouth. Holding me close as his fingers combed through my hand, he wrapped his hand at the nape of my neck and repeated, "Breathe, sweetness, breathe. You're okay, I'm here with you." 

Perhaps I wasn't in the right state of mind to deliberate over things, but I felt myself wanting to wrap myself around him and sink into his hold when an abrupt thought caused me to jolt. Immediately jarred out of my emotions, I straightened my arms and pushed myself out of his hold weakly. My chest still hurts from the lack of air and my body stiffened but I stared right into his eyes and caught on my recent attachment to him. All of a sudden, it felt like being doused with cold water as the most horrible thought crossed my mind. What if he leaves me too? 

"Iva?" Jax looked towards me, seemingly unsure. 

My heart hammered painfully against my ribs and I dared not think about my life after anyone else. Back before losing my parents and Sebastian, I took it for granted that people would stay with me and be around me. And it only took their painful departures to teach me that everything that I hold dear could disappear in an instant — without warnings, without proper goodbyes. I don't think I could live through the soul-crushing grief ever again. It's especially not after I know how things worked for me and all that's in my possession would most likely be numbered down to one day. 

I mustn't carry on with this. This is wrong, so terribly wrong. 

"Hey, Iva," He shook my shoulders a little and his eyes were looking towards me brimming with worry. "Let me help you."

"I don't need your help, Jax," I said coldly. 

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a/n: this chapter was really difficult to write. but i hope you all understand now the reason behind iva's detachment and fear. it's complicated grief. 

on another note, i had been feeling quite insecure at this point because of the way i set this story out to be with all the myths and concepts. but please do let me know if the story is getting too difficult to follow. a little crash course in the next paragraph. 

in greek myth, cacs (short for cacodemons) refers to 'evil spirits', and diabolos refers to 'devils'. and in ancient greek history (approx. 6th century BCE), apotropaic symbols/magic are rituals carried out by people to ward off evil. in my story, i decided to make them into actual 'magic' to bring life and depth.