XXVII ‖ his angel

LONDON
February
Location: Jaxen's House

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When Jax finally pulled the car over in the garage, I wobbled myself out of the car as I forced my legs to stand. Unable to handle queasiness, I planted a hand on the wall beside me to support my falling body as I dry heaved with nothing in my stomach. The discomfort was overwhelming as I struggled not to fall to the ground. Jax walked towards me and held me by the waist, he said in an apologetic tone, "Let me bring you in." 

I wanted to pull myself off his arms but was too weak to fight him so I allowed him to bring me into his house. Normally, I appreciated that Jax wasn't a person who had much to talk but the lack of words between us only aggravated all that I felt deep within. He walked into the wide living room and placed me on the couch as he poured a glass of water from the carafe before handing it to me. A few sips of water definitely eased the nausea, but it wasn't until I heard a voice that made my heart plunge to the deep abyss. 

"Daddy?" 

A soft, whimpering child's voice sounded from behind me and I almost dropped the glass from my hand when I lifted my gaze to look towards Jax beside me. He didn't face me, instead, he used the arm of the couch as a support to push himself up and walked towards the sound. Frozen in my position, I didn't dare to turn myself around but I heard him speak in the most affectionate voice, "Why did you leave your room, ángelé?" 

"Thea doesn't want to be alone," the child cried in her slightly hoarse voice. 

Thea. I caught her name and felt a pang of emotions struck fast through my chest. I gripped on the glass in my hand, tightening on it in the same manner that I felt my heart being wrenched. 

"You're having a fever, ángelé. You shouldn't be out and about," Jax cooed in a gentle voice. "Let's get you back to your room, alright?" 

"Okay," the child murmured 

I remained where I was as my ears noticed the sounds of faded footsteps and a closing door. Thoughts chaotically swirled through my mind and I didn't exactly understand how to react to this matter. My eyes darted towards the main door and knew that it would be better to leave before I had to face him again. This time, I doubt that I could face him without all the hurt that's forcing themselves to the surface. I stood up despite the dizziness that was threatening to knock me unconscious and dragged my feet towards the way out. I was only two steps away from the door when Jax called out to me from behind, "Iva."  

"I'm not feeling exactly well. I thought it would be better for me to head home," I plastered a smile and continued to push my feet forward, though I had no idea why I didn't have it in me to walk out of this place. Tears were already pooling at the corner of my eyes and I abhorred the feeling of helplessness that rooted me in my current position. 

"Please don't leave, sweetness," he said in an almost pleading tone and my will to leave vanished. I cannot resist him. That thought screamed in my head and I could only submit into the influence this man had on me. He continued, "I want to talk to you, but I need to attend to Thea first." 

"There's nothing I wish to talk about," I lied brazenly even when there's almost an infinite amount of questions flooding my head. Thea. I held onto the way he spoke of the little girl's name and repeated it silently in my heart, again and again, letting it pierce through my heart in painful reminders that this man standing in front of me was just too far beyond my reach. Yet, what terrified me the most was how much I still wanted him even when everything between us had turned beyond complicated. 

"At least, listen to what I have to say," he said. Striding across the living room, he erased the physical distance between us and held me up from the waist. Frantic, I pushed on his shoulders but finally understood where he had gotten this bad habit of treating everyone like a child. He hurled me into his hold as though I was Thea. 

"Let go of me, Jax!" I struggled. 

"Please, latreía mou." He tugged me close and buried his head into my chest. 

When he pushed it like that, I couldn't reject him at all. Sighing, I released all the tension in my body and allowed my shoulders to fall. My hands wrapped themselves around his head and my fingers disappeared within the soft strands of his dark hair. I held him close with all the emotions I failed to convey through my teeth and tongue. I foolishly decided to stay even when invisible palms pressed on my either sides of my lungs, rendering me utterly breathless. 

My brittle emotions clattered like fragile glass on the unknown of all the things he wanted to tell me. I had to prepare my heart for the fall, because this time, I had no idea if the plunge was going to crash and shatter my entire self into smithereens. I had no idea how deep I was in love with this man until this moment and I could only pray that I could make it out alive. The moment I allowed myself to stay, I presented myself with utmost vulnerability and gave him a chance to destroy me. 

"I'll stay," I mumbled, sounding grave. "You can put me down now." 

Not only did he refused to put me down, but he also walked with me in his arms into his daughter's room. I was surprised by the vastness of the room but looking at all the small and cute details made to this room reminded me of my childhood room, my parents and my life before Elysium. I sat on a nearby couch and tucked my hands underneath my thighs, shifting uncomfortably as I looked at the small child lying in bed. Judging from her age, she looked barely five. Thea had her eyes closed as she gasped now and then to catch for breath. 

Jax stood by a cabinet at the corner of her room and his hands reached to grab several things that looked like medical supplies. This man never failed to wonder me and when he walked to her side, he rolled the sleeve up Thea's small arm and the child whimpered again, rolling her body away from him. 

"Come on, ángelé," Jax said softly, tapping on her back. "You're a brave girl." 

"It hurts," the child sobbed. 

Watching her struggle reminded me of the time when I was young because I hated injections too. I hated them so much that whenever I fell sick, Harod was forced to leave his office so that he could coax me into allowing the nurses in the medical centre to do their job. Standing up from the seat, I walked towards them and tapped lightly on Jax's shoulder. He turned around to look at me with a surprised expression. 

"Can I?" I mouthed the words and he nodded. 

Thea was all curled up under the thick blanket, trying to hide so desperately away from her father. I couldn't help but chuckle a little because I did the same thing before, thinking that Harod wouldn't be able to find me. Approaching carefully, I shook her lightly and attempted, "Thea, I'll hold onto you and it wouldn't hurt that much, alright?" 

I felt her jump at my voice, unsure whether it was a good one or bad. However, the small body scurried out of the blanket as the child turned and stared at me with her big honey-brown eyes. She stunned in the same way as I did when we faced each other at the same time. What a beautiful child. I thought in my mind as I continued to stare into her eyes and noticed that her hair was also in the same honey-brown shade. Slightly messy curls feathered across her small shoulders and the innocence in her demeanour cast an angelic halo around her. I wasn't sure how she would react to my presence but at the very least, I got her out of the blankets. 

Almost a minute passed and it was as though the pause in time had been lifted because she shot towards me with opened arms and crashed into my hold. Taken aback, I tried to pry her hands off me but she had clung too tightly. Thea nuzzled her head into my chest and I lifted my head to look at Jax. To my surprise, he seemed equally shocked as I was. 

"She probably mistook you for Marianne," Jax chuckled but a sour, unpleasant feeling surfaced in me. I closed my eyes and drew a deep inhale, but the air that went through my lungs burned. Jax quickly took her arm and lifted the sleeves of her sleepwear. The child in my arms tensed immediately but didn't struggle to escape anymore. She only pushed her head slightly more forcefully into my chest and her hand bunched onto the material of my shirt in a nervous way. I repeatedly smoothed a hand along her small back and whispered softly, "You're alright." 

This time, Jax managed to get the injection done and Thea fell asleep almost instantly. I lifted her body and placed her back down onto the bed before pulling the blankets up to tuck her in properly. I shifted myself off the bed and left the room with Jax. 

Now, my heart thumped nervously, painfully crashing against my ribs as I dreaded to hear the words he had to say. Both of us returned to the living room and sat across one another with a moment of silence and heaviness. Jax was the first to speak, "I hope you can keep the knowledge of Thea to yourself." 

What was I even expecting? 

I exhaled a mocking laugh at myself when I finally understood what he meant when he mentioned that we needed to talk. He had to protect his precious daughter and I happened to learn about her just because of the wrong circumstances that led me here. This man took a root so deep in my heart that every word from his lips echoed in my mind, causing my heart to drip with blood that screamed hurt in ways that nobody could ever hear. Honestly, I never knew that he could hurt so much more than every other love I experienced in my life. I just needed to know why this man had the magic to always pull me up high, but also drag me down low. As a response to his request, I nodded and got up from my seat. Turning away, I promised myself that I would leave this time. 

"Iva, why do you always choose to run when you could ask and get the answers you want?" he asked from behind. This was the second time he stopped me from leaving and I no longer understood how to feel about it. 

Going back on my own words like a fool I'd always been, I had only wanted to tell him, "What if the answers are exactly what I don't want?" 

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(please have mercy on me. take it easy on my heart.)