XXXVII ‖ earnest wish

LONDON
February
Location: Vivienne's Apartment

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Hugging onto a huge bag of groceries, I struggled to punch in the passcode to enter Vivienne's apartment. I was urging to drop them on the ground but I knew I would be too lazy to bend forward to pick everything up later. Straining my index finger forward, I keyed in the last number and thankfully, a resounded beep sounded and the door shuddered unlock. I dragged myself into the entryway and complained, "Seriously, Vivienne Yuan! You—"

A sudden loud pop nearly made me release all that heavy amount of groceries in my arms and I stunned at the sudden burst of coloured strings thrown in my direction. They landed messily atop of my head and everything was followed by a loud cheer of "happy birthday" within the house. Seth came forward to give me a little help with the bags and I swept away the tangled strands of ribbons from my line of sight.

Ahead of me, Vivienne laughed cheekily and I scanned around the room, noticing that the living area was decorated with colourful pastel balloons and there was a small birthday banner on the wall that read "Happy Birthday Iva!". A laugh bubbled off me and I exhaled, "What the hell, Viv? Isn't this supposed to be your housewarming party?"

"Well, good things come in two!" Vivienne winked, seemingly proud that her surprise plan worked beautifully on me. "Your birthday and my housewarming party appear to be a lovely couple."

"But you do know that I don't celebrate birthdays?" I raised my brows in amusement.

"Say that again, I'm going to whack you," Vivienne raised her arm threateningly towards me.

"That's if you can win me," I challenged while sticking my tongue out at her. She threw the plastic cake cutter at me and I caught it with swift accuracy, laughing heartily. Our fight was going to get interesting until Seth decided to step in.

"Alright, children. Let's eat, please." Seth sighed from the side.

"Look who you're talking to, Sethie!" Both Vivienne and I turned around and exclaimed at the same time. Then, we faced each other again and burst out laughing. Seth only stood by us and shook his head helplessly, seemingly despondent at our childishness and ugly cackles.

Vivienne set the table up with Seth, unpacking the bag of groceries as they prepared many small dishes at the side with a wide pot in the middle. I enthused, "Are we having hot pot?"

"Yes, dearest, because it's your favourite," Vivienne chuckled, adding a ladleful of chilli into the soup. I do love spicy food but when she tried to add another, I shot my hand out to stop her and reminded, "Seth can't eat that spicy."

"You should enjoy yourself today, Iva," Seth mentioned.

"I'm enjoying the company of both of you," I said with a stupid grin on my face. "Thank you for preparing this for me."

"Family do things for each other," Vivienne laughed, before adding, "Despite the fact that you're the most annoying member."

"Hasn't it always been you?" I argued.

"How dare you!" Vivienne raised her chopsticks and pointed it towards me with an evil look on her face and I tittered in a light-hearted manner. Like every other time, the three of us sat around the table and enjoyed dinner together.

My heart warmed and at this moment, it felt like we were back in Shanghai, back to where things were simpler. I looked towards both of them, immensely comforted that the three of us had somehow managed to cross each other's path and fatefully became a family together.

◩

Later in the night, Seth fell asleep on the couch while accompanying me to binge on the Bourne films. I pushed myself off the seats and grabbed a throw from the adjacent couch to drape it over him. Turning the TV off, I went to the fridge to grab a bottle of wine and two glasses before joining Vivienne in the balcony.

From the living area, I already found her smoking. She leaned her back against the balcony chair and took a drag as grey smoke escaped from her lips and filled the air when she exhaled. It had been a long while since she lighted a stick and I wondered what troubling thoughts meddled with her tonight. Sliding the glass door open, I called out to her, "Hey, Viv."

At the sight of me, she quickly pushed the cigarette into the ashtray and put it out. Picking the tray from the balcony table, she stood and walked to place it away at one corner. I took the seat opposite to where she sat and laughed, "You can smoke. I'm good with that."

"I was just feeling bored and I know you dislike the smell," she said. Sitting back on the chair, she stared towards the bottle of wine that I brought out. "Drinking with me?"

"You up for it?" I asked and filled the glass with wine before offering her.

"Of course, dearest. But you could've grabbed something stronger," she smirked.

"I'm not trying to get drunk," I laughed. "I was hoping to get some heart-to-heart talk done, sugar."

"I sort of forgot that you're quite a lightweight," she teased. "Alright, let's settle on wine before you decided to pounce on me with your drunk self and steal my virtue."

"Don't play with my restraint, girlfriend. You don't know what I'm capable of," I joked and took a sip of the bittersweet smoothness. She huffed out a laugh and I raised my arm, poking her on the forehead and pushed it slightly. I complained, "How does Porter even stand this side of you?"

"He doesn't need to," Vivienne smiled sadly, carefully placed the glass back on the table after emptying the contents in a single swig.

"Talk to me, Viv," I requested, sensing her oddness. 

A lot of emotions were concealed under her obsidian eyes but I recognised one — guilt. That aversive emotion was too ingrained into me and sometimes, too intimate with me. It followed me into my heart, into my bed and into my dreams. It lived with me all these years to haunt every daylight out of me and I was too familiar with it to not realise its presence.

Vivienne avoided my gaze, facing the night skyline beyond the railings of her balcony. She began, "Iva, I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. Every time I touch Porter, every time I laugh from the bottom of my heart with Porter, I felt like I'm cheating on him." I remained silent, and she continued, "Xavier was my everything and he was the one I swore with the whole of my heart. I wished I was just confused with Porter, but I knew it was a lot more."

"Viv, how do you feel about Porter?"

"He's willing to hold onto my worn and bruised heart without a single hesitation." She bit on her lower lip nervously. "He handed me his love without asking for mine and I wanted it so selfishly. I wanted it but how am I supposed to keep it when I still held onto Xav's?"

"Viv, you have to let go," I said simply, even when I know that it was impossible to unlove a person. Neither did I stop loving Sebastian just because Jax happened. A part of me would always belong to Sebastian — whether it's affection or grief. However, I simply moved forward, wanting to give myself a second chance in love because Jax deserved all of me and none of my half-heartedness. I explained, "I'm not asking you to unlove anyone, but I'm asking you to fall in love again. And I'm sure Xav would be the happiest for you."

"I know he would," Vivienne said in a low voice, her sadness layered over her words. "I'm just scared to let go when I've held onto him and all that we had for the past five years."

"Viv, I think we deserve a chance to love again." A small smile tugged at my lips. "We're good people and we've suffered enough."

I wasn't sure why the demons in my heart didn't claw their way out and rebuke every word I said. They allowed me to feel. For the first time in five years, every light surrounding me shone a little brighter and I saw everything a little clearer — maybe because of love.

◩

Eventually, Vivienne also fell asleep from all the wine and tears. She slumped against the balcony table and was too deep in her sleep to realise that she was speaking incomprehensible nonsense. Watching her, I heaved out a funny laugh and approached her to throw her arm around my shoulders. I supported her by her waist and walked to the bedroom. Dropping her on the bed, I covered her up with the blanket before walking back to the balcony again. It was only 23:50 and I wasn't anywhere near sleep.

I leaned against the glass railing, just allowing the cold February air to wrap themselves around my warmth. It's ironic how it was almost frigid cold out there, but I felt warm from within. Then, my phone buzzed in my pocket and I held it up to see that it was a message from Jax.

A smile crept on my face and I pulled on the chair to sit as I continued to tap happily on the phone.

I placed my phone on the table. Looking up into the cloudy night sky, I clasped my hands together and made a wish: please let everyone around me be safe and happy. 

◩

(now, every time that i look back i feel afraid.
the feeling that we had then might begin to fade.)