VII ‖ absolute words

SHANGHAI
December 
Location: Iva's Apartment

━━━━━━━━━━

The moment I returned from Elysium, I took a long shower and randomly grabbed onto an oversized sweater to put on. I walked towards the corner of the living room and sat in front of my easel. Slipping my thumb through the palette, I started to brush through the small paste of paints, mixing the colours and getting lost in my own emotions.

Not sure how much time had passed but I stared at the guy on canvas who is now staring at me with his perfect chocolate brown eyes. I remembered even the slightest detail of him and it was to the extent that I could map every freckle on his face in a similar way to how an astrologist would know the entire constellation of stars like the back of his hand. I was also unable to forget the exact shade of those brown eyes which used to carry so much warmth in them.

I sat where I was and looked towards the finished painting before a wave of nausea hit me and I let out a dry heave. Staggering, I accidentally toppled the canvas and it hit the floor with a loud clank.

Five years.

Since that day, I could never paint any other expression on his face except for disappointment and resentment. Yet, from all the years I knew Sebastian, he had never shown that expression towards me. My guilt manifested this imagery so vividly that I had forgotten all other emotions that were once etched on his charming face.

My tremoring hand reached for his face in the painting but the wet paint smeared those features upon my touch, blurring all the defined lines which I had spent so much effort painting. Just like that, Sebastian had slipped through the spaces between my fingers as easily as how I destroyed this painting.

Laying on the cold marbled floor, I poured my heart out. Tears flowed relentlessly and unapologetically, desperate to express all the painful emotions that I had locked away. My hands clamped over my mouth while I screamed, muffling the sounds of my suffering. Even when I lived alone, I was so afraid that someone might just uncover this side of me.

I continued to cry till the tears stopped on their own. These nights, I'd just let myself be whatever I wanted to — sad, vulnerable, anything. Then, the next day I'll be whatever everyone wanted me to be again. 

◩

I woke up at the crack of dawn and pushed myself off the cold marbled floor. Picking up the canvas, I stashed it by the side of the trash bin and went straight to the bathroom. Bunching onto the hem of my sweater, I pulled it off me and threw it to the ground. My eyes met my reflection in the mirror and exhaled a helpless sigh. What a mess. My hands were in all the shades of colour and I even smeared the paint all over my body. Stepping into the shower, I turned the water on high and washed everything away. The hot water scalded my skin slightly but definitely placed me on a better mood by alleviating the pounding headache from a night's worth of crying.

When I was out, I picked out a thick coat at the side and put on a flattering short black dress before slipping my feet into my favourite pair of Steve Madden d'Orsay pumps. Grabbing the coat and a random car key, I took the lift down to the underground parking garage to get into my car and drive out of my apartment complex.

"You have a call from—" the car system sounded and I picked up the call immediately when I recognised the number.

"Hey, Sethie!" I chirped.

"Ugh, stop calling me that," Seth protested over the speakers. "Are you reaching Styx soon?"

"Soon, charmer," I laughed. "What's the matter?"

Then, I heard a loud crash in the background and it made me laugh harder when Seth shouted angrily, "Vivienne, stop meddling with my computers!"

As usual, Vivienne is the epitome of no remorse. Her evil and playful giggled sounded from the background and I had no choice but to interfere. But before I speak, I quickly hit the speaker control button down a few times. "Tell her that her dinner's called off if she continues to mess around."

"IVA, DON'T YOU DARE!" A loud shout boomed through the speakers and I never felt any more thankful that I had anticipated this and lowered the car system volume.

"Vivienne, my ears hurt!" Seth complained. "Gods, what's with you and all your chaotic energy?"

"I'm born to bring joy to everyone's life," she stated proudly.

"Iva, please come and save me," Seth pleaded pitifully.

"Oh Sethie, you're supposed to be Supportive Sethie, not Debbie Downer!" Vivienne continued to poke fun at him.

"You're so full of shit," I burst out laughing. "Alright, give me ten and I'll be there."

Ending the call, I stepped harder into the accelerator and sped my way towards Styx.

◩

Seth, Vivienne and I were brought into Styx around the same time so they grouped us together. Vivienne and I were eight when we were brought in while Seth was only a toddler who was just turning two. Since he was a lot younger, we naturally took care of him and that made us like a family. However, unlike Vivienne and I, Seth doesn't partake in active missions. His talent and technical speciality include his insanely good computing skills, so he's always behind the scenes, helping us get through our missions.

Once I reached Styx, I swiftly parked my car in my usual spot and got down the car. Locking my car, I turned and was about to walk towards the lift lobby when a familiar stranger stood in my path.

"Iva," Jax called me with a voice that was soft as velvet yet deep and rich like a baritone.

On my end, I struggled so badly not to fall into the profound depth of his saxe blue eyes when I lifted my head to look towards him. What exactly is it about this guy that is so irresistible? With just one call of my name, my feet halted to a stop and refused to move no matter how loud my brain screamed at it to run. When he took a step closer, my heart jumped anxiously and I had to mentally slap myself awake in order to prevent him from hijacking my senses.

"Hey, Evrard," I said coldly.

"Can we talk?"

"Still trying to investigate me further?" I ridiculed. "You can always file an official report to schedule a meeting. Harod would definitely approve it."

"No." That was all he said.

"No?" I scoffed. "Well, Evrard, if you wanted others to understand you, you've got to speak more than a word."

"I didn't approach you to investigate you."

I swore to myself that if I had a gun somewhere in my back pocket, I would've pulled the trigger and shot a bullet right through my head. I stared right into his eyes and saw something I couldn't mentally grasp — sincerity. I couldn't even find the slightest bit of lie in his gaze. When he spoke, he was looking at me straight, without even wavering for a second.

"I don't care what your motive was," I lied, feigning nonchalance as I quickly averted my eyes away from his. "Once your mission is done, I hope that we would never meet again."

"Iva."

"Please don't call me with that tone," I swallowed a forming lump in my throat. Taking a step back, I re-established the distance between us once again.

"Why won't you listen to me?" he asked.

"Then, what's your game, Evrard?" I snapped. Impatience ticked from within because my defences were growing weak and if I don't leave any sooner, I may just fall for something stupid again.

"There are no games involved, sweetness," he replied, though slightly biting through his words. "You were never a game."

"Never is too absolute of a word to be used," I dismissed him in an instant. I don't trust anyone who uses absolute words, because they were the quickest to break their promises. Slightly annoyed, I said, "If we're done here, I'm leaving."

"Iva," he whispered my name in a sigh and I felt a strong urge to hit him hard in the face. Every single time my name was to roll off his tongue, my senses were robbed and my brain stopped working altogether. He continued, "I only approached you because it's you, latreía mou."

I stunned, unsure how to react because none of what he just said made sense. What does he mean by because it's me? Digging deep into my memory, there were no traces of him. Moreover, those eyes were so unique that if I knew him before everything, I would've remembered.

"You're lying," I accused.

"Am I?" he challenged, looking straight into me earnestly.

"You're simply good at it," I refused to believe.

"I would never lie to you."

Again, he used an absolute word. But before I could ask him further, he had turned around and walked away from me. His back looked sad, disappointed and weighed down by all the complicated emotions that I hadn't learn to grapple with even till this day.

◩

"latreía mou" means "my adored"