I returned to town that evening and headed to Avani’s rooms in the castle. I knew what I needed to do, though I dreaded the prospect. She was there, sitting with a book held loosely in her hand as she waited for me to return, and she eagerly jumped up when I walked in.

“Oh, Leo! There you are! I was starting to worry just an eensy little bit,” she exclaimed as she threw her arms around my neck.

I gave her a light kiss, then stepped back. “I… I’m sorry, My Lady. I’m going to be returning to my room at the inn for the time being.” She looked searchingly into my eyes, baffled and hurt. I swallowed hard—this was even more difficult than I’d imagined. Hastily, I gave her my prepared excuse. “I have some work that Arthur wants done as quickly as possible, so you see, I need to be in a place where I can concentrate. The castle tends to be rather… bustling—butlers and visitors and so on coming and going all day. So….”

She nodded, accepting my excuse without question, though whether she saw through it or not, I could not tell. She smiled weakly at me, saying, “Then I hope you are able to finish it quickly and return to me. I’ll… I’ll miss you, Leo.” Then she turned and fled out her back door, leaving me feeling more torn and guilty than ever.

I had accumulated quite a collection of my possessions in her rooms—clothing, books, scrolls, scribing materials, and an assortment of odds and ends that I’d collected on various adventures since I’d more or less taken up residence in the castle. Even the foxes had moved in, sleeping in the study when the daybed was not needed for a guest, and on the sofa or the chairs in the main chamber when it was. They had even become friendly with Baldur, after some initial hostility on his part and caution on theirs. In fact, it wasn’t until I attempted to disentangle myself from Avani’s home that I realized just how deeply intertwined our lives had become… nor had I quite realized how painful that separation would be until the moment arrived.

I spent the rest of the evening alone in my room at the inn, lost in thoughts both old and new, my foxes lying curled against me. They had been reproachful at first when I told them we were returning to the inn for the time being, but they appeared to have finished with their recriminations and were content to leave me to my own, which more than sufficed.

Early the next morning, I started to work on translating the pages Kiel had brought me. However, by the time I was halfway through the first page, I realized why it had seemed so very familiar at first glance yesterday: it was my story—mine and Maria’s. I also realized that, if I continued on, I might at last learn just what had become of her after I became a Guardian. And the thought of that petrified me. I leaned back, staring in dismay at the pages before me. Then I quickly gathered them up and bolted through town to Kiel’s house.

When he opened the door to me, still in his pyjamas and yawning sleepily, I hastily shoved the papers at him. “I’m sorry, Kiel. I… I can’t read any more. Please take them.” Then I turned and left as hastily as I’d arrived, fleeing to the solitude of my room. As terrible as it was to not know… it was far better to be able to imagine a happy life for her in my present state of uncertainty, than to have my fears that she had lived and died in miserable solitude confirmed.

Arthur stopped by shortly afterwards to see how I was progressing. Sitting at my desk with my head in my hands, I didn’t even look up as I said, “I’m sorry, Arthur. I… need to take a break from this for a while.”

There was a pause, then he said, slowly, “Well, Leon, if you feel you need to stop for now, then so be it. I must say it’s most unlike you to set a task aside unfinished, so I assume that you have your reasons. Please do let me know when you feel able to pick up your work again, will you?”

I nodded, and he left, closing the door gently behind him. I heard his footsteps fading away down the stairs, then a short while later, another set of footsteps treading up them. Soon there was a knock on my door, and Avani stepped in.

“Leo?” she asked, sounding concerned. “I just talked to Arthur. Is… everything all right? Is it something to do with the translation?” I just sat there, still holding my head in silence, unable to answer. “Was… was it Maria who…?”

I looked up then, my eyes wide with surprise. “Did you… read it?” She nodded, and I gave her a half smile. She always had been something of a busybody, so I shouldn’t have been at all surprised that she’d sussed it out. “You’re a clever little thing, you know that? But yes, you’re probably right. It most likely was written by Maria—no one else knew about our promise, and the odds of someone else having the exact same story are, well… very slim, to say the least.”

I sighed and leaned back, closing my eyes. “Anyway, the second page appears to be a continuation of the first. So if I were to read it… I might find out what happened to Maria. And the thought terrifies me. I mean, what if her whole life was ruined because of that foolish promise? What if she died alone and unhappy? I don’t know if I could bear it. The look in her eyes when I left—what if she lived out the rest of her days suffering just as she was then? The mere thought of it chills me to the bone. And if she did… if she did suffer all her life because of me… then how could I possibly live a happy life now, without her, knowing what I did to her?”

I took a deep breath and stood up. I took her hand and looked into her bewildered eyes. “So I… I’ve decided that I have to suppress my feelings for you. I can’t do it to her—I can’t let myself be happy if she herself led a joyless existence.” I looked away, unable to bear the sight of the tears in her eyes. “But… it’s so hard to hold fast to my resolve when I’m with you. It’s too much—I want to hold you, to touch you…. I want so much to be with you, yet I also want to abide by my promise, at least to the best of my abilities. I’m torn, as if I were at war with myself—and there is no end in sight, neither relief nor succor to be had. I need some time, My Lady, to work things out in my head—to try to come to some resolution. So… will you leave me, please, at least for a while?”

Then I turned away from the pain in her eyes and slumped into my chair, again burying my head in my hands. After a few moments, she kissed me softly on top of my head between my drooping ears, then she left without another word, softly closing the door behind her.

Xiao and Lin attempted to bring me meals a few times, but I turned them away—I had no interest in food. I spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning to such an extent that even my foxes soon became fed up and retired to the floor—preferring even that to my restlessness.

The next morning, Avani again came to my door, knocking and entering. I raised my head to look at her tiredly from where I sat on the edge of my bed. “Forgive me, My Lady. Will you please leave me?” I said, then hung my head and closed my eyes, waiting to hear her footsteps as she departed.

However, there was no sound of her retreating, and after a pause, she gently but firmly said, “No.” I looked up at her, startled by her unexpected refusal. “How can I leave you at a time like this—how can I just walk away and leave you alone, sitting there with that look on your face? When someone I love is hurting, I want to help them. I could never abandon them and leave them to suffer. When I… when I was in so much pain after Venti died, you never left my side. Even when I didn’t exactly welcome you or even ignored you, even when I wasn’t capable of taking care of myself, even though all I wanted to do was to fight and fight and fight, halfway hoping that death would overtake me…. No matter what, you stuck with me. Why would you think I wouldn’t do the same for you?

“I know I’m not Maria. I never knew her, and I don’t know what she was like—what she thought or felt. But… if she loved you as I do, maybe she thought some of the same things I’m thinking now. Maybe, like me, she’d have wanted to be right here with you, thinking things through with you, trying to figure it all out and getting confused along with you, right by your side. But even though I’ll never be her, and even though maybe I can’t really help all that much… still, I want to try to help you in my own way—to be here for you and to be with you.”

She looked into my eyes for a moment, her brow furrowed in concern. “A-am I… am I butting in too much?”

I looked at her contemplatively. “Yeah… you are.” She bit her lip and looked down at the floor. “But… I like it. Knowing how much you care, knowing I’m not alone… it gives me strength.” She looked up again with a hopeful look. “Tell me, My Lady, what sounds sweetest to your ears? To return home and say to the one who waits for you, ‘I’m home’? Or to wait for someone to return to you and say to him, ‘Welcome home’?”

With a baffled look, she said, “What does…”

“Just humor me,” I interrupted.

She thought for a moment. “Both are nice, but I think I prefer coming home to find someone waiting for me to waiting at home for someone to arrive. So I’ll go with ‘I’m home. There’s just something about being welcomed home, rather than coming back to a cold, dark, empty room—it’s nice.”

I nodded and smiled at her. “I had a feeling that would be your choice. You really aren’t the sort to just sit around and wait for something to happen—you go out and make them happen. Fine, then. When all this is through… let’s return to the tower together. And when we do, you’re going to make me tell you everything—no more hiding my feelings, I promise, My Lady.”

Her eyes lit up. “Then…. Okay, it’s a deal.” And she smiled her beautiful smile for me.

I rose and tucked her hand into my arm. “Well, now. I think first I need to go see Kiel about those pages. It’s time to finish that translation.”