I hadn’t had much time to ponder my own predicament, as it had taken a back seat to Avani’s crisis. But soon after the night of the party, once things had  more or less returned to normal, I found myself thinking about Avani even more than usual, and recalling my last conversation with Venti. And… thinking of Maria, which inevitably led to guilt and back to thoughts of Avani. I was trapped in a vicious circle, and I didn’t know how to escape.

Furthermore, I couldn’t help but notice that Avani had been spending less and less time with Dylas since her recovery. One day, I finally commented on it. “My Lady, hasn’t it been a while since you last spent some, ahh, ‘quality time’ with Dylas? Or have I just been rather unobservant recently?” I asked her as we sat reading one summer evening.

She blushed a little, then shrugged. “I highly doubt that you’ve ever been unobservant in your life, Leo. But yes, you’re right. When I… when I was so depressed after Venti’s… after she passed on, I pretty much stopped seeing him then. I couldn’t stand to have anyone near me during that time, except you—I felt like you were the only one who understood how I was feeling at all. And even though I knew Dylas meant well… like everyone else, he only made things worse. So I avoided him, just like I avoided everyone but you. And somehow… somehow after things got better, I realized I hadn’t really missed him all that much. So… I had a talk with him and told him that it was over between us. I felt badly, really, because I do love him. I just… I just don’t love him that way anymore. I feel like he’s only a friend now—a very good friend, but nothing more.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “I must have been unusually obtuse if I failed to notice that—I’m sure he couldn’t have hidden his feelings well. He never does.”

She sighed. “No, he didn’t take it well. He was deeply hurt. Afterwards, he just… vanished for a few days. I suspect he returned to the ruins of the old water shrine to the east, where I rescued him. When he came back to town, he had himself more or less under control, but he still looks so… wounded. But there was no use in pretending, and I’ve always tried my best to be honest with both of you. Hopefully he’ll get over me soon and move on. He’s got his faults, but he’s more like a diamond in the rough, I believe—and I think one day he’ll make someone very happy. It just won’t be me.”

I thought about that for a minute. The significance of her choosing to remain with me while breaking off her relationship with Dylas was not entirely lost on me, and I recalled Venti’s comment about what lay deep within her heart. And I must admit, I felt more than a little panicked at the idea. While she’d had two lovers, I had been able to convince myself that she wasn’t too serious about me, and that one day she would ride off into the sunset at another man’s side—leaving me alone once again. But now that she had forsaken all others besides me, everything had changed. And frankly, it scared me… because I wasn’t fit to be the guardian of anyone’s happiness.

The next morning, after my bath, I asked Lin if she’d be so kind as to pack a picnic lunch for two for me. She seemed surprised by my request, but she didn’t ask any questions as she assembled my basket. I had decided I needed to step back a little and think… and I wanted to think things through where it all started—and with whom it all started.

An hour later, I was seated on the ground before the sealed entrance to the ancient tower of Leon Karnak—or as it would be styled in the modern terminology, “Leon’s Durance”, so named as it was used to contain my Guardian form. The original tower itself was far more ancient, but it had lost all significance and identity by my time. The Earthmates, sensing that it was placed atop a wellspring of runic power, had restored it for use as my prison.

I laid out the picnic and sat facing the tower’s great door, lost in thought and memory while I ate. “Maria,” I said after some time had passed, “I don’t know if you can somehow hear me from wherever you are, but… I want to apologize for causing you so much pain so long ago. I was… selfish. I only wanted to stop you from crying and to see you smile. I didn’t think about what I was doing or saying, and that was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have tried to change you.

“Years later when I became a Guardian… it was only then that I realized… realized how much my promise meant to you, how seriously you had taken it. By then it was too late, and so I left you on your own. That, too was wrong.

“So I swore that, having broken my promise to you, I would never make such a promise to any other—that I would live out my days alone, honoring my promise as best I could. It didn’t feel right to be happy myself when I had left you so unhappy. But then….”

I paused, and as I hesitated, suddenly I heard Avani’s voice hailing me. I jumped up and looked down the slope, and there she was, striding briskly up the path towards me, the wind playing through her long locks as she approached. Her eyes sparkled in the brilliant sunshine, and she smiled her dazzling smile for me.

“My Lady?” I called to her. “What is it? Why have you come here?”

“Oh, well… you see, Kiel was looking for you. He… he has some papers he’d like you to translate for him as soon as you can. I brought them with me….” She pulled out a couple pages of old script and handed them to me. I looked at her as I took them, and thought she looked anxious.

“Thank you, My Lady. I’ll look at them and talk to Kiel later. Is… there anything else? You look as though you have something on your mind.”

“Well, I… I just wondered….”

“Yes? What is it?”

She turned bright red and looked away. Seeing my picnic on the ground nearby, she stared at it for a moment. “I… wondered who… why a picnic for two? I mean,” she added hastily, “Lin and Xiao both assumed I was accompanying you, so….”

I smiled at her. “Is that all?” She nodded. I caressed her cheek, then tilted her face up to look into her eyes. “There’s no one. I….” I released her and sighed. “I just wanted to pretend that there was.”

“Oh?” She looked confused, and bit her lip as she hesitated for moment. “Why… here particularly?”

I turned and led her to the entrance. “Take a look at this, My Lady.”

Stepping closer, she looked up at the great door. “Wow… there’s so many names carved here!”

“Take a look up there, way at the top—those two names there.”

“They… they’re written in some other language. I can’t read them…. What do they say?”

“That one on the left says ‘Leon’.” She turned to look at me in surprise. “And that one to the right says ‘Maria’.”

“Maria?”

“Yes.” I sighed again. “She passed away centuries ago, of course. We were friends from an early age, growing up together. I was a few years older than her, and I always thought of her almost as a little sister—annoying but adorable. I used to look out for her, just like a big brother, and she’d follow me all over, just like a baby sister. I was probably the only one who thought she was adorable though… she was something of a crybaby, and most people found her irritating.”

“Yes?” Avani said, encouragingly, as she looked back up at our names carved near the top of the door.

“Then one day, she was crying over some trivial matter—another child picking on her, probably, or maybe she’d been scolded for something or another. I don’t recall why she started crying, but I just couldn’t get her to stop. So finally… I told her that if she would only stop crying, I’d give her whatever she wanted.

“So she stopped and looked up at me and said, ‘Really? Whatever I want? Then, when we grow up, will you marry me?’” Avani quickly turned to look at me, startled. “Well, I was just a kid, so I said ‘Sure, I’ll marry you. Just stop crying!’ Then as a reminder of that promise, we carved our names here, using the old language we’d just recently discovered—a sort of a secret code to us.

“Pretty silly, wasn’t it? I didn’t think much about it at the time—it was just a kid thing to me, and I soon forgot. But she… she never cried again after that. Not when I teased her, not when she was sad, not even when she was injured. Never a tear did she shed.

“She didn’t even cry the day I became a Guardian. Everyone came to say farewell to me—my friends, my family, my fellow priests and priestesses—everyone in the area was there. And there she stood all alone near the back, behind all my family and friends, looking as though she would burst into tears at any moment. She just… looked at me. And that—that’s when I realized… that silly promise I’d made to her all those years before… she took it seriously. She believed in it—believed in me.”

I sat down and leaned my head against the door. “I… I’m such an idiot. That sweet child, whom I thought of as nothing more than a little sister… was in love with me, had spent her whole life trying to live up to her part of the promise, trusting that I’d follow through with mine.” I closed my eyes, remembering again the look in her eyes that day. “That’s the last thing I remember, you know—before being sealed. Her eyes, full of unshed tears.” Avani sat down next to me and put her hands on my arm. I opened my eyes again and looked at her, unspoken apology and regret in my eyes. “Anyway, that’s why I swore I’d never marry. It… it seemed too cruel, to just go blithely on with my life without her. I just can’t… I have to keep my word, even though I know it won’t change anything now.”

I stood again, and held out a hand to help her to her feet. She looked thoughtful and abashed as I pulled her up. “I’m sorry I had to tell you all this. Are… you jealous?”

She turned her sea-green eyes to me, then blushed and looked away. “Please don’t ask me that, Leo.”

I smiled at her. “As you wish, My Lady. You really are too adorable—but I suppose this isn’t really the time for teasing.” I looked up at our names again. “You know… as much as the memory hurts, it’s still precious to me. I suppose that’s why I wanted you to know. I… wouldn’t want to forget her. I was the one that stole her tears—the one that abandoned her.” I reached up and gently ran my fingertips over the carven words. “I’m so sorry, Maria,” I whispered. “Sorry I left you all alone, and sorry I broke my promise to you.”

I stepped back and looked at Avani, who was watching me apprehensively. “Tell me, My Lady… do you regret your decision? Do you wish you’d never become involved with me? After learning about my past—about Maria—can you still look me in the eyes and honestly say that you love me?”

She took my hands in hers, and looking me straight in the eyes, her gaze unblinking and unwavering, she said, “Yes, Leo. I do love you. Of course I do—nothing could change that.”

I felt my cheeks flush at her frank words and gaze. “A-anyway, I hadn’t actually planned to tell you—or anyone—about her. I thought I’d just keep her a secret and bear the burden alone. But then when I saw you here, I felt I just had to share that part of me with you, even if it doesn’t change anything—even if it doesn’t make any difference.”

She squeezed my hands, saying, “Oh, but it does, Leo.” I looked at her in surprise. “You have a past that I know nothing about—that’s true of everyone, of course. I mean, no one knows everything about anyone else. But the fact that your past pains me, that it hurts my heart, shows me how much I’ve come to love you. I don’t think I’d even realized just how much until I heard your story, so that’s one thing that knowing about Maria has changed.”

“Are you serious? Do you… do you really mean that?” I said, feeling both elated and fearful.

“Yes, without a doubt—I love you with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being.” I must have looked uncertain, because she smiled reassuringly at me as she continued. “Love can come in as many shapes and sizes as there are people to love and be loved. Each and every love is unique. And love can bring as much heartache and pain as it does joy and pleasure, because only when you love someone do you open yourself up completely—lay bare your heart to another. But the important thing is, whatever it might bring, for good or for ill—I love you. It’s as simple as that.”

I smiled gratefully and ruffled her hair. “You… make quite a case, My Lady. I must say, it’s always a joy to spend time with you. I’ve learned a lot about these modern times from you—for example, that women now are far more aggressive than women in my day, and also that no matter what the mood, there’s never a time when saying something embarrassing becomes less embarrassing.” She blushed, and I went on. “And also… how very hard it is that I can’t get any closer to you.”

She looked dismayed at that and quickly looked away—but not quickly enough that I didn’t see the pain and grief in her eyes. I took a deep breath and let go of her hands as I looked at the door to the tower. “I… think I’m going to stay here for a while and… and talk to Maria. After all, we have a lot of catching up to do.”

I looked back at her, and she gave me a hesitant smile. “Okay, Leo. I’ll see you later.” Then she was gone, scrambling back down the rocky path to the plains below.

After she left, I leaned against the tower door, thinking back over all that we’d said—and hadn’t said. Then I suddenly remembered the papers she’d brought me, and sat by the remains of my picnic, where I’d set them. Looking them over, I was astounded… the words were very familiar, and I wondered briefly where and how Kiel had found them. But I found I really wasn’t able to focus on translating the words, as much as I wanted to. I kept going back to Avani’s words to me….

“‘I love you with all my heart and soul, with every fiber of my being,’ she says,” I thought out loud. “And… I want so much to get closer—to love her back with my whole heart, and to truly be with her. But… how could I? How could I be so callous to Maria, after all the pain I caused her? And yet… and yet….” Once again, I found myself torn between duty and desire, and my soul was tormented.