Hey. I'm hoping for I dunno some possible reassurance for what I'm about to tell you so please just stand by this may take a while.

I began dating this girl from school on the 13th of March but for months before her I was with this guy and anytime I'd even seem slightly like I want to break up he'd say that he would kill himself if I left him so this went on for months and I began to notice that this girl was getting real flirty with me but I wasn't gonna do anything cuz I was still in very much in love with this guy so he wanted me to prove then and he basically made me have sex with him to prove it and I still cared I loved him to death about a thousand times honestly. When this girl asked me out I said yes cuz I was barely hanging onto this relationship I was still with this guy for about 3ish weeks after her and I began dating and I eventually broke up with him. I didn't want to leave him it's confusing to say but once you have sex with someone you have like a new love formed it's confusing I know but it's real so cuz of that I still wanted him but didn't want to hurt him or matilda at all. I didn't want Matilda to have to go through what I do with Allie and I didn't want to break this lovely man's heart by breaking up. It hurt so much because even though I had Matilda I felt so alone, like I had nothing left and I thought now that I don't have him around maybe my purpose is to live for my girlfriend but as those 3 months went by I got even more miserable I just wanted to call it quits with her because I wasn't happy trying to keep her happy will dealing with trying to keep myself alive. It sounds selfish I know but I'm sorry. I broke up with Matilda in an access class and it wasn't awkward I felt I had my friend still but a week went past and we both got distant from each other me because I couldn't be bothered trying to fix a friendship that I fucked right up and her probably cuz I hurt her for leaving. 

This was two weeks til I finished school and once we broke up I realised I actually have no one I mean yeah I do have a group of friends but they only seem to care when I put a smile on my face. The best way I can put it is the most of the friends I have are like the shadows you know how you really only see them in your brightest and best hours but they disappear in all those dark times. The other 4 friends I have I care to much about to worry them with well, me?. It sucks to say but I basically broke things up with Matilda to start a new relationship with a guy his name is Zayne and we only started dating Thursday night we facetimed from about 7pm to 5am because of what was going on at home and by the end of the night it was official but he was honest to me and he has cheated in me already but this is what he keeps saying it meant nothing all I want is to have sex with you for the first time. We are still together but a friend of mine thinks I should break up with him because I'll end up hurt. Honestly I'm not sure but that's my life up from now cya next time.

I figured it would be easier to say it here so I'm so if I'm just fucking annoying at this point