I'm not your average person.

I've known that for three years.

Maybe there's something wrong with my brain?

I'm just different. I feel different. I think differently.

I've spent hours crying myself to sleep because I feel alone, I've locked myself in the bathroom because I'm ashamed of feeling in public, I've trained myself not to smile. I associate every word with a colour and sound. I can't stop myself shaking or moving all the time. If I think of something, I have to say it ortherwise I'll feel like screaming. I flap my hands next to my sides when I'm nervous. I seperate numbers and letters into genders. I feel weird and tingly every time something isn't completely equal or perfect. I feel like crying every time I talk to certain people for no reason whatsoever. I hate it when people care. I hate it when they don't care.

And there's so much more.

People have said it's the stress. I'm not stressed. Being stressed feels different. This feels.... strange. I want to do things but don't want to at the same time. I love people I don't like. 

I'm not sure what's anything anymore. I kind of know why they say I'm stressed. I hate jysekf if I'm not top of the class in everything. My brother is my complete responsibility, I have to take care of my grandparents because my sister doesn't want to help. I write books. I study multiple languages. I stay up late. But that's not too bad, honestly. It's myself that's hard. 

Maybe it's a mental disorder. People have suggested it. Is that true. I want to be normal. People will care more if there's actually something wrong with my brain. I don't want them to. They shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. 

And it's hard. Having to fake that you're perfect and smiley every day. When you're not. I don't want to be an attention-seeker. I want to be me.

Even if that means hiding how different I am.