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IN our almost five years of relationship as a couple, masasabi kong marami na kaming napagdaanan. We had our fights, misunderstandings, tampuhans, pero wala kaming naging problema na hindi namin naaayos at napagkakasunduan. Alam kong marami pa kaming pagdadaanan along the way, pero hindi ko naisip na pwede kaming humantong sa ganitong sitwasyon.

We were okay. Madalas kaming magkita at magkasama. Hindi kami nag-aaway pero ramdam kong may mali. Pakiramdam ko may hindi siya sinasabi sa'kin at wala akong lakas ng loob na kausapin siya.

Natatakot ako sa malalaman ko. I'm scared to face the truth, and he's acting like everything's fine between us when it's not.

We are slowly falling apart before we realize it, and we're too in denial to admit it.

"Ria... are you okay?" he asked.

Napatitig ako sakanya. Are we okay?

"Hey..." Iniangat niya ang kamay niya sa ulo ko at marahang hinaplos ang buhok ko. "Is there something wrong?"

Something is wrong between us. Bakit parang hindi mo 'yon napapansin?

Or maybe he's aware. Ayaw niya lang pag-usapan. Kung bakit at ano ang dahilan, hindi ko alam. I'm feeling so burnt out to think straight now. I never thought that talking to him about it, even after being together for a long time could be this hard.

"Beau, I'm tired..." I told him. Gusto kong sabihin sakanya ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko at ang lahat ng mga gumugulo sa isip ko. Marami akong gustong itanong sakanya.

I want answers. I need him to talk.

We need to sort things out between us before everything gets worse. We need to fix this and save our relationship before we both mess it up. Habang kaya ko pa.

But he's not saying anything!

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit na para bang masasagot nun ang lahat ng mga tanong ko sakanya. Wala naman akong nagawa kundi ang tumango kahit wala akong naiintindihan. It's so frustrating but I couldn't just give up on us. Alam kong mahal namin ang isa't-isa. Sana lang maging sapat ang pagmamahal na 'yon para magpatuloy kami at manatili sa relasyong 'to. Ayokong tuluyang magkasira kami at mauwi lang sa hiwalayan ang lahat nang dahil lang sa isang picture.

"Beau..." tawag ko sakanya. "Sa tingin mo, will everything looks worse in black and white or, everything looks better in black and white?"

Nasa studio niya kami nang gabing 'yon. Tinutulungan ko siyang mag-ayos sa bagong working space niya and at the same time, nagb-brainstorm din kami ng mga ideas para sa concept ng gagawin niyang photo exhibit.

Nilingon ko siya. Kaya pala hindi sumasagot kasi hindi nakikinig. Tumayo ako at lumapit sakanya...only to find him staring at another woman's photo.

Having a photographer for a boyfriend, sanay na akong makakita ng mga pictures ng iba't-ibang babae sa studio niya. Alam kong wala akong dapat na ikaselos. But there's something different with the way he stared at it, that I can't help but feel betrayed.

So I asked him why.

"I can't help but admire her," he answered.

I was taken aback, confused by his revelation. I didn't know if he's just being honest with me, or he's trying to imply something. But I don't want to make an assumption so, I kept my cool about it as if it's not bothering me, at all.

"Patingin..."

He gazed at me. His eyes looked like he's hesitating before he handed it to me but I ignored it anyway.

Tinitigan ko ang head shot portrait nung babae na hawak ko. It is in black and white but she still looked pretty. She had those beautiful eyes that will draw you into her. Mapapatitig ka nalang sa mga mata niyang parang nangungusap na nakatingin sayo at mapapangiti ka nalang sa ganda ng ngiti niya.

No doubt, Beau can't take his eyes off her and I'll be lying to myself if I say I didn't get hurt, 'cause I did. I just don't want to doubt his love for me because I trust him. I want to trust him. What I'm just fussing about is the fact that the woman he's admiring was long gone.

She's gone.

How can he admire a dead person?

That girl in the photo... I've met her before. I don't know her personally pero madalas ko siyang nakikita sa University noon. She's bubbly and friendly. Lagi siyang nakikisit-in sa art class namin. Lahat kinakausap niya na para bang kilala niya kaming lahat kahit wala naman sa amin ang nakakakilala sakanya.

She's weird that way but I guess that's her charm. Kalaunan, nasanay din kami sakanya. Kahit ako na hindi niya nakakausap. I only had a chance encounter with her when she asked me to take a photo of her. Hiniram pa nga niya ang camera ko. But that's it.

Hindi ko alam na 'yun na pala ang huling araw na makikita namin siya. Hindi na pala namin siya makikita pa.

She never showed up again. Until now, no one knows what happened to her.

“You know her?” I asked, in hope that he would tell me anything about her.

But he just looked at me blankly and said, “Just a stranger.”

A stranger.

The way he said it means something and the way he averted his gaze from me tells me otherwise. I adore Beau's eyes. It's so expressive. Every time he looks at me, I can feel his sincerity. I feel safe and loved. But that night, I realized that he's capable of wounding me too with those eyes.

Days went by and we never had a talk about it anymore. Parehas kaming naging busy sa kanya-kanya naming trabaho. He got busy preparing for his upcoming photo exhibit and he might forget it already, but I couldn't.

Her face is still lingered on my mind.

She's still haunting me.

Too many questions running in my head. I need answers.

"Beau?"

Dumating ako sa studio niya at agad ko siyang hinanap. He's not around. Walang tao. Nakapatay ang ilaw at tanging ang mga naka-display na pictures nalang ang naiilawan.

I'm in awe.

Everything looks artistically neat and aesthetically pleasing. Mula sa gallery wall layout, sa ginamit na lighting fixtures hanggang sa mga framed pictures. Some photos are in black and white, some are not, which gives of some contrast but made it look more interesting. I'm feeling like I'm walking down a memory lane as if they're all part of me.

I stop from my trance when I saw my boyfriend. His back facing me while he's staring at the photo displayed on the wall.

Napaluha ako.

It is her.

It's the same picture of her but much bigger this time.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if I can bear it any longer. It's too painful. I need him to talk now.

Tumikhim ako at pinigilan ang luhang gustong kumawala sa mga mata ko.

"Kamera..." basa ko dun sa label na nakalagay sa ibaba ng picture. Mula sa gilid ng mata ko, nakita ko ang paglingon niya sa'kin.

He seems surprise to see me. "R-ria... you're here."

I held a smile. Hinarap ko siya at tumingin ako sa mga mata. "W-ho is she?"

Umiling siya at pinakatitigan ako. “I-I d-don't know,” he said almost a whisper.

“Beau... I know this is your night. We should be celebrating but... can you be honest with me now, please? I want to know the truth.”

He held my hand and look straight in my eyes. “Ria, believe me. I-I didn't lie to you when I said she's a stranger. Yes, I met her before but... I don't have any idea who she was.”

“You're making me confuse.” Kunot-noo kong sabi. “You have her picture. You even told me you a-admire her. Paanong hindi mo siya kilala?”

Tumango siya. “I know and I mean it.”

Mapakla akong napangiti.

He's being so honest. Hindi man lang nag-deny sa girlfriend kahit konti.

“About the picture,” he continues,” “I got it from this polariod camera.” Inalis niya 'yon sa leeg niya at inabot sa'kin. “It's time for you to have it.”

“Beau...”

He smiles at me. "It's yours."

Tinuro ko ang sarili ko at inabot niya sa'kin ang isang papel. "In that letter, she asked me a favor to look for you."

Nanginginig ang kamay kong binuksan ang pirasong papel.

Naalala ko na. Ito yung ginamit kong camera noon nang picturan ko siya. It was a gift from my Papa. I thought I lost it forever.

Tumingin ako kay Beau. "H-how?”

He shrugged.

“Where is s-she? Did you two met?” tanong ko.

Umiling siya. “No. The last time I saw her is from two years ago. She's the most annoying person I've met.”

I held his hand and encourage him to go on. “I'm all ears.”

“You know how I hated Dad. I did everything to pissed him off,” he paused and chuckled, “but it backfired at me. I got involved in a car accident and ended up in the hospital. Napuruhan ang paa ko, so I have to stayed there hanggang sa makalakad ako. I hate hospital and I never been so frustrated my whole life, noon lang. That's when I met her.”

Tumingin siya sa picture at napangiti. “She's so nice, always kind and patient with me. Pinaramdam niya sa'kin na may halaga ako. I hated her for that because I don't deserved it.”

“And you grew feelings for her.”

Lumungkot ang mga mata niya kahit nakangiti itong tumango sa'kin. "I did. But I never had a chance to tell her how I feel. She left without saying anything. She left before I had a chance to say it.”

"Hindi mo siya hinanap?" Tanong ko.

"I tried," he said, “but I failed. Hindi ko siya nahanap. I didn't know s-she was..." his voice cracked, "g-gone."

She's gone.

"That night... I found the box she left for me. I met with her Mom. She was told to look for us. Sakanya ko nalaman ang lahat ng tungkol sa nangyari sakanya."

Natahimik ako at hindi malaman ang sasabihin. Parehas kaming napatingin sa picture niyang nasa harap namin.

She has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. But we have no idea how much pain she concealed by that smile.

"Do you know her name?" I asked.

Umiling siya. "No. I tried asking her mother about that but she was told not to tell us."

"W-why?"

"I guess it's for us to find out."

We both sigh in defeat. I guess ayaw niya talagang magpakilala. But that's okay. I mean, if that what she wants, we have to respect that, right? Isa nalang ang gusto kong malaman.

Hinarap ko si Beau.

"Do you still have feelings for her?" I asked.

He look back at me. "Maybe," he replied, smiling, "but I never admired her the way I admire you."

I keep a straight face, hiding a smile from him.

"Ria, you know how much I love you, right?" Seryoso ang tingin niyang nakatingin sa'kin kaya hindi ko maiwasan ang hindi kabahan. "I hate to say this but... I don't think I want to be your boyfriend anymore."

Tila nabato ako sa kinatatayuan ko. "A-are you breaking up with me?"

Umiling siya. Kinuha niya ang dalawa kong kamay at hinawakan ng mahigpit. He's making me confuse and I hate it. Bago pa ako maka-react at mabawi ang kamay ko sa hawak niya, napasinghap nalang ako sa gulat sa ginawa niya.

He's kneeling in front of me, while he's holding a little box in his hand.

"Ria, can I be your husband instead?"

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ᴛʜᴇ ᴇɴᴅ