august 2017 - june 2018

I never wanted children. I was never fond of the little creatures.

Children have slimy noses, grabby little sticky hands, annoyingly nosey attitudes, and they are irritatingly loud. They are often egocentric, whiny, and they certainly know how to give a person a headache.

As well as their annoying tendencies, I felt I would be a terrible mother. At the time, I hardly took care of myself. I would wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. I dealt with dark, maddening, spiralling thoughts that often led me toward destructive methods of coping. I had attempted suicide quite a few times as a result. There was no way I could be a mother to anyone.

Such reasons—and many others—caused me to feel a strong dislike toward the mini humans.

Then, I met a man. He was kind, funny, and he was able to help me forget my struggles, even if for just a little while. At the end of the day, however, I still had the heavy thoughts and destructive coping mechanisms.

The man and I became entangled in quite a passionate affair, the result of which was our son.

I had no idea what to do.

I had never encountered a situation of this sort. After all, he was the first man I had ever done anything more than hold hands with, and I hadn't known him for very long.

I had also moved back to my hometown only months before. I hardly knew anyone.

I was raised in a conservative Christian household, so it was practically drilled in my head that abortion was murder. Thinking of abortion made me sick. I would resent myself if I ever did that.

So, I did what people tend to do when they have a problem and don't know where to turn; I called my mum.

She laughed at me.

She told me I had nothing to worry about.

She then gave me the best advice I have ever received.

"No matter what you do, Julia," she said, "No matter what, you love that child. God gave this child to you for some insurmountable reason, and you need to use this as a way to heal. This baby is a gift, a way to help you. No matter what happens, this baby is yours to love and cherish and take care of. If something goes wrong, you have my full support. Just please, take this opportunity to let having a baby help you out. It won't make you completely better, but it will help."

I was shocked.

Heal?

How would having a baby heal me?

If anything, I would feel even worse.

Right?

But, as usual, my mother was right.

Having a baby helped me to learn how to cope using healthier methods.

Of course, my depression never went away, but the sight of my baby boy made me feel better almost instantly.

I remember crying because I felt he was too good for me, that I was inferior to this pure being.

And when I saw his eyes for the first time, oh God.

I cried even harder.

But I knew that no matter what, I loved that baby. I loved him so, so much. Never would I allow a day to go by without looking into his gorgeous green eyes.

That baby became my entire world.

And he still is.

——

565 words