Part I of The Post-Finals Paintball Crisis

Inspired by Community S2E23: "A Fistful of Paintballs."

Piper POV

"Somebody help! Anybody, please!" The delicate pitter-patter of Crocs against the tile floor of the environmental science wing can only be Katie Gardner. She's too soft for this lifestyle. Yes, it's a lifestyle. It hasn't been a game in a long time.

The figure behind the filing cabinet raises her gun at the tormenters who've cornered poor defenseless Katie.

"Hey there, boys," the mysterious person coos because that's how you talk when you're dressed like a pirate.

Ellis and Mark turn around cartoonishly fast, scrambling for their guns, but their faces say it all: the situation is hopeless. The executive board members of the Mars coed fraternity are about to fall victim to Piper McLean.

"Please, no!" Ellis shouts.

"I'll shoot myself in the foot!" Mark hollers, surely alerting more paintballers of their location.

"Sorry," says Piper. She looks down the barrel of her gun—a perfect shot. "I don't do handouts."

"Ah!"

"No!"

Mark and Ellis fall to the ground, revealing a shivering Katie Gardner, who probably never wanted to play this game in the first place.

"You're tough, Katie," Piper says.

"I never wanted to play this game," she says, her voice surprisingly unwavering.

Piper fixes her mask. "None of us did. Now get out of here."

"I don't want to play anymore. Piper, please..." Katie can be scary when she wants to be. Piper's seen her dragging the Stoll brothers by the ears more times than she can count on one hand, but this is a whole new Katie, one that has fallen victim to the paintball dystopia, sponsored by Flex Seal.

"Do you care for those shoes?" Piper asks.

Katie sticks out her foot. "They're only my fifth favorite pair of Crocs."

"I'd say see ya on the other side, but I'm gonna win this thing." With a push of a trigger, paint the same color as Katie's Croc coats the shoe, the floor, and the bottom of her grass-stained sock.

Just around the bend, past the ceramics classroom, across from a row of quiet independent study bubbles is where the camp is set up. Members of what used to be a study group eat instant macaroni and cheese out of pinch pots and other forgotten art projects. Jason and Annabeth try to mark enemy camps and traps on a rushed drawing of campus. Percy's spirits are broken—he hasn't had much to say since this morning. God, was that only this morning?

"Anything?" Leo asks.

Piper shakes her head. "I'm sorry, guys. All I did was manage to take out Mark and Ellis." She decides not to mention Katie. It's tragic that someone would give up such a prize, but the situation looks helpless. Seemingly permanent alliances have settled in seemingly permanent hiding spots. Why wouldn't Katie give up the prize for a chance to go home, take a bath, and eat... well, the same food Piper's eating now, except maybe out of some actual dishes?

"We have to find her," says Jason, "before someone else does."

Percy swallows a bite of burnt Kraft mac-and-cheese. "How long has it been?"

Frank checks his watch. "Only eight hours since this morning. Oh, I'm so screwed for my psych final..."

"How can you think about psychology at a time like this?" Annabeth asks.

Frank pulls his mask up higher, but it doesn't hide the tears he's desperately trying to hold back. "It... The other stuff helps to take my mind off of it. Off of her."

Percy sets his pinch pot in the sink and freshens up his fake Kraken tattoo with a Sharpie. "I meant... How long has it been since Hazel went missing?"

✎✎✎

The day starts like any other end-of-the-school-year barbecue at New Rome—bad.

Piper's first mistake—or so she thought at the time—was getting her hopes up. Only she would get excited over a pirate-themed event. Everyone loves pirates. Pirates of The Caribbean was Piper's bisexual awakening.

So two corsets, a pair of fishnets, some thigh-high boots, bandanas, a tricorner hat, a shit-ton of makeup, and one very pissed-off Annabeth later, Piper and her radical feminist friend are ready to go to town on some free ribs. One of them is excited to show her costume off to a certain clueless blond, and the other is ranting about the impracticalities of fishnet tights. Guess which is which.

It doesn't take long for Piper and Annabeth to find the guys. It also doesn't take long for them to spot Dean D. Piper admires his boldness. Only at New Rome Community College can the dean get away with dressing in drag at a school-sanctioned event. This time, he's supposed to be a tacky eighties aerobics teacher... oh, like Olivia Newton-John in the "Physical" music video, which Piper only knows because her mother used to work out to it. Piper absolutely does not listen to that song through her headphones at the gym, only to then lie and tell Annabeth that she's listening to, "uh, the Doobie Brothers," which—let's be honest—isn't that much better.

"Why are you brats all dressed as pirates?" Dean D asks.

Percy pushes his eyepatch onto his forehead. "Because of the pirate theme? You put it on the invitation."

"I did no such thing!"

Mr. Brunner steers his electric wheelchair to the edge of the stage and shows Dean D an image on his iPad.

"I see..." Dean D says. "Venus!"

"Yes, Dean?" asks Ms. Venus, who Piper thought was New Rome's public relations manager or something.

"Cancel the pilates teacher I hired! Now, please!"

"Woah," says Leo. "Can you imagine if we pronounced 'pirates' like 'pilates?'"

Evidently, everyone can imagine it because they all have to try it out. That's six ADHD kids and Frank for you though!

Maybe they should be focusing on the fact that Dean D thought pilates at a college barbecue was a good idea, but Piper digresses. The point here is that by some mistake, about a hundred or so college students are gathered on the quad dressed like pirates.

Dean D rolls his eyes at the surprised murmurs among these hundred or so college students and passes a bullhorn to Mr. Brunner, the campus activities director.

"Hello, all!" he says. "We know all of you have been working incredibly hard studying for finals, writing papers, and completing projects, so to give you a hard-earned break, the Office of Campus Activities and I have put together a game. Back by popular demand... it's paintball assassins capture the flag!"

"Back by popular demand?" Annabeth asks. "Who the hell demanded this?"

Leo wrings his hands. "You know I love making things go boom, but even I still have nightmares from last time..."

"Now, now..." Mr. Brunner says over the crowd's reaction. "I know many of you may be concerned that the game will get out of hand like it did last year. However, the staff and I have taken important preventative measures to ensure the safety of all. For starters-"

"Bah! Nobody wants to hear about that!" Dean D's heels click against the stage as he intercepts Mr. Brunner's safety speech. "And now, a word from our sponsor."

The buzzing of a chainsaw startles the group. What's a chainsaw doing at a college barbecue, you might ask? Or more importantly, you might ask why there's a chainsaw if the Office of Campus Activities is committed to promoting safety.

Piper doesn't have much time to contemplate this because the next thing she knows, the podium is sawed in half and Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of Flex Tape, Flex Shot, and other products shouts, "That's a lot of damage!"

Yes. It's him. You know, the very same Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal that showed up at the hospital when Dean D pretended he was on his death bed.

Piper turns to her friends because this is probably one of the most out-of-pocket things that have happened to her this year.

Frank seems shell-shocked. Jason is playing iMessage games with Percy. Annabeth forgets to pay attention to her Old Bay seasoned fries long enough for Leo to steal a couple.

"What's he doing here?" Piper asks.

Annabeth scoffs. "Probably the only guest speaker Dean D could get on short notice."

"Hello, New Romans!" Phil Swift shouts. He smiles into an imaginary camera. "Did you know that Flex Seal products can even work underwater? Check it out in my hit infomercial for Flex Tape! You see, to show you the power of Flex Tape, I sawed a boat in half, and then..."

"This isn't real. I'm imagining things," Jason says. "It's just another concussion."

"But you're not here for a Flex Seal infomercial now, are you?" Phil Swift asks. "With the power of Flex Seal and similar products, Swift Response is awarding one lucky paintballer a year's supply of Flex Seal products."

And just when Piper's thinking about skipping out on paintball, Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and notorious inventor, drops the ultimate plot twist.

"The winner will also receive a one-hundred thousand dollar reward, courtesy of the Christmas bonuses I will no longer be giving my employees at Swift Response."

"Shit," Percy says.

"Guns are over there," says Leo. "Alliance? Alliance?"

"Oh my god, you guys are going down!" Travis Stoll yells. He's covered in ketchup, which isn't fantastic for him, but at least he hasn't been disqualified from paintball yet.

Piper stumbles backward as Clarisse La Rue parkours over picnic tables in an attempt to beat her competitors to the ammo.

Nico di Angelo, who apparently doesn't leave home without paintball equipment, hops on his Vespa scooter and shoots his way to the woodshop storage shed. Anybody who dares to paint his precious Italian scooter is a goner for sure.

"Alliance? Guys?" Leo asks. "Guys?"

"Where's Hazel?" Frank asks.

Oh shit.

Piper didn't think anything of it when Hazel didn't accept her invitation to get ready for the barbecue together; she was probably just still upset from the other day. The group had been working on their final diorama for Greek and Roman Mythology together when Hazel had this... outburst. Jason insists it wasn't anyone's fault but Hazel's, and she should have stuck up for herself earlier instead of letting her resentment boil.

For some reason, Piper isn't totally satisfied with that excuse. She should be doing something, right? And Hazel, who wouldn't be caught dead missing a school-sanctioned event, isn't anywhere to be found.

Piper lunges for the equipment truck, grabbing a gun at random and more ammo than she can realistically hold in her arms. Had she known that there would be a paintball battle, she would have picked an outfit with pockets, or at least paired her pirate costume with a satchel.

"Hey! I had my eye on that pistol!"

Piper's simultaneously relieved and disappointed to find that the paintball skills she attained last year have become instinct. With a sweep of the leg and a quick shot to the chest, Cecil Markowitz falls onto the concrete, paint covering his white pirate's blouse, and new scabs forming on his elbows.

She can't believe she just did that.

"Piper!"

"Is that you, God?" she asks even though she's agnostic.

"Eh, depends. Do the ladies love a good boy now?" Leo asks.

"Shut up, Leo."

Leo helps Piper to her feet. "C'mon, Annabeth's scouting out a temporary base. We can come up with a survival plan together and kick some ass."

"Okay." She follows Leo through the crowd, shooting classmates, friends, and her former roommate with the gas problem on the way.

All hell has broken loose, and it's going to be quite a while before it's reined back in.

✎✎✎

"Oh, shit. Oh-"

"Hey, keep it PG-13!" Leo shouts.

"PG-13 gets one F-bomb!" Annabeth shouts back from the corner of the library where Thalia and the Hunters gang have her, well, cornered.

"Use your F-bomb on this," Phoebe says, "'cause your little movie won't last much longer!"

"Oh, screw you! I'm getting plenty of screentime!"

"Agh! Not fair; I wasn't looking!" Phoebe shouts.

Piper rolls her eyes. "What do you know about 'fair?' You're in a gang!"

"Not anymore!" Zoë Nightshade says. "We're a registered sorority and New Rome's first-ever all-female roller derby team!"

Leo opens his mouth, seemingly ready for a retort. "That's... cool."

Piper has an idea. "So how does one join?"

Thalia turns around and puts her hands on her hips. "Well, you have to identify as a woman," she says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "And you have to swear off dating. Relationships can hold you back from winning, and we can't have that in our roller derby."

A couple of Hunters lower their weapons to tune in to Thalia's inspirational feminist speech. They sound like a neat organization. It's just that no dating thing... Does that include dating other girls?

Annabeth changes out the ammo in her pink camouflage gun and says, "Hey, Thalia, hate to interrupt, but... Well, you know." And then she shoots, triggering a full-on showdown.

Thalia's quick to dodge the bullet though.

Piper and Leo and Annabeth are outnumbered, but with Piper's distraction, Annabeth's quick thinking, and whatever the hell Leo has going on, they're holding their own quite well. A couple of Hunters whose names Piper never got to learn fall to the floor, clutching their arms from direct impact. Yeah, those flowy blouses that come with pirate costumes aren't thick. That's why Piper thrifted her own! It's practical, economical, sustainable, and fashionable!

"Remember your training, Bianca!" Zoë says to the new sorority pledge. The poor girl is shaking faster than a chihuahua, and Piper's pretty sure it's not from the granny panties she's wearing on her forehead. Ugh, hazing.

"We can't take 'em!" Leo shouts from behind a vending machine.

Annabeth fires on a couple of Hunters before snatching the cardboard cutout of Phil Swift for a shield. Phil's cutout quickly becomes covered in paint, which might be disrespectful to the guy giving his employees' bonuses to a lucky community college student, but then again, it's kill or be killed.

"C'mon!" she shouts. Damn, she looks hot. Totally worth almost getting beat up over a pair of fishnet tights.

Annabeth leads Piper and Leo away from the Hunters.

"Where are we going?" Piper asks.

"Anywhere but here!"

"Okay, but do you have a plan?"

"I always have a plan!"

Leo interjects. "Care to tell us what that plan is?"

"Don't make me use my one allotted F-bomb on you, Valdez!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Piper and Leo scamper after Annabeth, blindly putting their trust in whatever plan she has up her sleeve.

Annabeth turns a corner and then comes to a steering halt, sexy thigh-high boots squeaking against the tile... not that Piper's looking or anything. She holds out her arms.

"Well, well, well..." a voice teases. "If it isn't my former Latin students."

Everybody has that one person in their life who makes them feel irrationally angry for sometimes no reason at all. For Piper, it's this guy.

"Get out of the way, Octavian, and maybe we'll let you live," Piper says.

"No, we won't," says Leo. "You failed me in attendance... I showed up for every class!"

"Listen, listen, I think I have some very important information," Octavian says.

Piper aims her pistol at her least favorite TA. "Then talk."

"One of your study group friends has a stockpile of ammo, but you'll have to take me with you if you want to know where it is."

Leo steps forward. "Oh yeah? And why should I trust the guy who convinced me not to take Spanish?"

"Leo, you're bilingual," Piper says just in case he forgot.

Annabeth raises her gun. "It's a trap."

"Save the Star Wars references for later," Leo says.

"Are you taking me or not?" Octavian asks.

"We can take the ammo on our own and win," Annabeth says.

Wait a second. "Annabeth..." Piper interjects. "You heard him. Whoever has the ammo is in our study group. We should... you know... at least try to form an alliance."

"You guys are my alliance as far as I'm concerned."

Octavian reaches for a garbage can to use as a shield, despite it being painfully obvious that it won't be able to protect him from Annabeth. "Please, not the face!"

"Put 'em up!" shouts a new voice.

Piper's eyes widen. This new girl's pirate costume beats Piper's and Annabeth's combined. She's wearing a white tricorne hat and a black paisley bandana for a mask. Her brown leather corset buttons in the front; it's way more historically accurate than Piper's, but that's what she gets for multi-purposing her clubbing outfit.

The new girl's biggest advantage, however, might not be her skill.

It's her pants. She is wearing pants. Why didn't Piper listen to Annabeth's objections? Piper should not have gone with the ruffled skirt she thrifted last week.

And then there's Leo, who's dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow, eyeliner and all. The only thing he's missing is a big captain's hat.

The new opponent rolls onto her side and fires toward Piper's alliance.

"Ah!" Octavian squeaks, running down the hall. Piper decides not to warn him about the Hunters at the end of the hallway.

"Who are you?" Piper asks.

"Ah!" Leo ducks and the Flex Tape advertisement behind him is covered in the new player's blue paint. How is she so fast?

"Annabeth, what do we do?" Piper asks, taking cover behind the now decapitated cardboard cutout of Phil Swift.

"Uh..." Annabeth freezes up. The only reason she narrowly misses a paintball to the face is Leo, who tackles her football style.

"Shit," the unfairly attractive expert player curses. Her gun jammed! An opening!

"This is our chance!" Piper shouts.

Instead of taking advantage of the situation, Leo does his best Jack Sparrow-esque run further down the hallway, Piper and Annabeth in tow.

"Quick! Out here!" Leo opens the emergency exit. The alarm doesn't go off, which is kind of concerning, but not surprising for New Rome Community College.

Piper pulls the door shut behind her and scans her surroundings. Oh! She sees Leo's plan now! The main entrance to the dining hall is right there! They can just make a run for it and-

"Gotcha!" a voice yells. "What do you have to say for yourself?" a new mysterious captor asks, pressing the barrel of his gun into Annabeth's forehead.

"Hang on, I'm trying to decide if I want to use my one allotted F-bomb," she retorts.

"What?"

"You heard me, Seaweed Brain!"

Piper can't believe she didn't recognize Percy at first. He's wearing an eyepatch now, for crying out loud! That's not a huge difference.

"Percy, what are you doing?" Leo asks.

"Percy, what do we do now?" Frank asks.

"You heard what the boss said." Jason points his gun at Piper. "Bring in Annabeth, take out her alliance."

"Jason, it's me!" Piper knows they're in a bit of a situationship, but she didn't think it was this complicated.

"Sorry, Pipes."

"Can I shoot Leo now?" Frank asks. Piper can't read his expression well, but he looks excited to jump on this opportunity. The ammo strapped to his chest clinks together as he moves closer to his target. Huh, so stealth isn't something they're worried about.

"No!" friends and enemies says in unison.

"There's a bounty on Annabeth," Jason explains. "Boss wants her alive."

"She didn't say what to do if we found Leo and Piper..." Frank says.

"She said to take out Annabeth's alliance assuming she even had one."

Percy moves the barrel of his gun down to Annabeth's neck. She does not seem amused by this conversation.

"I say we bring Piper and Leo in warm too, just to be safe," Percy says.

Jason laces his arm around Piper's waist, which she isn't complaining about. She enjoys this until he throws her over his shoulder like a firefighter carrying a civilian.

Evidently, Frank had the same idea because Leo is slumped over his shoulder beating on his back screaming, "Unhand me, you fiend!"

"Where are you taking us?" Piper asks. "You owe us at least that much."

"Yeah! I bought the glue for the diorama!" Leo adds, helpful as ever.

Percy turns around. Maybe it's the cloud that just covered the sun, or maybe it's the eyepatch on his forehead, but the tone in this alleyway is incredibly dark. "It's time to see Hazel," he says.

✎✎✎

Yesterday, if you asked Piper to describe her friends, she would have told you that Hazel is the cute and innocent one, the one who just oozes kindness and goodness. Between her homemade COVID masks and her special brownies—which turned out to not have any marijuana in them—she's the sweet one. She's the one who always looks at the silver lining, and walks on the sunny side of the street. The grass is always greener because Hazel Levesque has Miracle-Gro in the soles of her Mary-Jane shoes.

So naturally, when Piper steps into the trashed dining hall and sees the fistfights and poker games, she's a little thrown off. If Hazel is the boss here, why is nobody baking? Why does the flag have an eagle on it? For crying out loud, the eagle isn't even Lisa Frank designed!

"Welcome to Fort Levesque," Frank mumbles as the group approaches two guards with bandanas covering their faces.

One of the guards grunts at Percy.

"They're fine," he replies. "Tell Captain Levesque we're here with prisoners."

The other guard grunts a quick, "Hmph?"

"Yes," says Jason. "We have Annabeth Chase."

The guards lower their guns, allowing the team to enter with their prisoners.

Piper never expected a throne or something in the middle of the dining hall, but she's still impressed by the office chair with Christmas lights wrapped around it.

"Captain," Frank greets like he isn't about to speak to the girl he's been crushing on since freshman year.

The chair spins around. Hazel doesn't bother to stand up to greet them or offer them any refreshments. She's a whole new Hazel, one that wears a tricorne hat and a gold flaked overcoat with a corset and a cavalry sword and everything. She probably doesn't even say 'god bless you' when someone sneezes! And gosh darn, Piper thinks, when did she get the time to put her hair in braids?

Well, considering Piper hasn't seen her since the big argument... she might have had some time on her hands.

"If it isn't my dearest friends," Hazel says without the smallest hint of sincerity. "Boys, let's show our guests some respect."

Jason and Percy and Frank look at each other and then back at Hazel. "Are you sure?" Frank asks.

"Yes, they're not animals!" Hazel bellows. Just as quickly, she regains her composure and folds her hands in her lap.

Slowly, the guys release their holds on the prisoners. Jason lowers Piper to the ground and even helps her smooth her skirt, but she isn't about to thank him for that—not when he just manhandled her in front of Hazel's lackeys.

Annabeth crosses her arms because she too is fed up with Hazel's shit. "What's this about you putting a bounty on me?"

"I'd like to propose an alliance," Hazel says. "We'll team up, kick some ass, and split the prize."

A few thoughts cross Piper's mind. How are they supposed to split the prize seven ways? What's the plan, and why did it involve kidnapping Piper and her humble alliance off the street?

Hazel picks at a rhinestone on her outfit and continues her weird pirate villain speech. "You'll have to play by my rules, of course."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Annabeth retorts.

Hazel sighs out of boredom, grabs her paintball pistol from atop the ice cream cart next to her chair, and fires at a random guard.

"Ah!" Lou Ellen Blackstone takes off her motorcycle helmet and rolls her eyes. "Guess I'll go pack or something."

Piper's wondering why she's never seen Lou Ellen ride a motorcycle to class before, but her inner dialogue is interrupted.

"Cool..." says Frank. "So what's your plan?"

Hazel snaps her fingers and another guard rolls a television on a cart into the makeshift throne room. It's hard to see through the static, but the television seems to be showing some sort of third-person perspective of an office.

"Oh my god," Annabeth says. "Is this live?"

"Live from Dean D's office." Hazel points her sword at a box on the screen. Is that a real sword? They wouldn't let real weapons on campus, would they? "That box is full of equipment. Guns, ammo, paint grenades, everything you could possibly need to take down the other alliances."

"What other alliances?" Jason asks.

"The Hunters," Piper says. "Thalia, Zoë, Phoebe... they've grown into some sort of sorority roller derby team."

"There's more," says Hazel. "The Amazons, the Mars frat... but it's not just Greek life. There are some dangerous alliances out there. The MythoMagic club is teamed up with the lacrosse team."

That sounds pretty lame at first, but the strategic thinking from the MythoMagic geeks combined with the brute strength that the lax bros can bring to the table... God, Piper doesn't even want to think about the actual injuries that could come about. The student health center is going to have quite a line by the time this game is over.

Percy says, "Okay, break into the dean's office, steal the extra ammo, and win the game as quickly and painlessly as we can before people start getting hurt-"

"And split the cash!" Leo adds.

"Yeah, that too. Is there a plan?"

Hazel laughs. "Of course, silly. Why do you think there was a bounty on Annabeth?"

"Do we get that bounty?" Jason asks, earning a stomp on the foot from Piper. "Sorry, just asking."

"Wait, I don't have a plan." That's a first for Annabeth. "What?" she asks. "All I got here is shitty footage of the dean's office. I don't know where the other alliances are hiding out, how many of these weird-ass goons we have at our disposal... What the hell did you guys expect from me?"

"Okay, but do. We. Get. A. Bounty?" Jason asks.

"You'll get your bounty when you win the prize!" Hazel yells. "Any more questions?"

"I have one," Piper says. "There was a player we didn't recognize back in the library. She had ammo strapped all over her body, and a black bandana for a mask. Didn't seem like she was in any sort of alliance, and she got away easy even with me and Annabeth and Leo after her."

Leo nods in agreement.

"Shit," Hazel curses. "The Praetor."

"The... the what now?" Frank asks.

Hazel sighs. "I don't know anything about her, just that she's hella good at paintball. She'll be our biggest threat."

"Great. So helpful. Let's save some classmates." Leo slings his gun over his shoulder and cracks his knuckles. "Got a clean mask I could have? Some extra ammo? A couple of bodyguards? I'd prefer Chris, but I'll settle for Travis."

"Hey!" Travis objects from underneath a Scream mask.

"We need the ammo and reinforcements here at Fort Levesque," Hazel says.

"Oh, okay." Leo shrugs and turns around.

"Wait," says Piper. "That's it?"

Frank wrings his hands. "I'm sure it's because we need people to watch over the-"

"You're crazy if you think I'm splitting the prize with you!" Jason barks.

"Yeah!" Percy says. "I mean, I love you Hazel, but this is nuts!"

Frank's out of his mind defending Hazel like he is. "I mean, maybe she could have just the Flex products and some of the cash?"

Piper wonders, What's his deal?

"I'm walkin'," says Jason. "You betrayed my trust already."

"You'll do it if you want me in the study group next year."