Inspired by Community S2E16: "Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking."

Leo POV [Documentary]

The camera fades in, panning across a hospital waiting room. Six misfit college students sit in uncomfortable silence, unsure of what they are about to witness.

"Just act natural," Leo says. "It's like we're not even here."

"Of all the television comparisons you make, Leo... God, I can't decide if this is my favorite or least favorite!" Piper says. That line is funny. Leo will probably leave it in the final documentary.

"Zoom in on her, Travis."

The camera zooms in for a close-up of Piper, one of Leo's favorite characters.

"I do like the office," Percy says.

"We shouldn't be joking at a time like this," Hazel says. "Dean D could be dying in there, and we're the people he asked to see."

"You don't really think he's going to... you know..." Frank wrings his hands in his lap.

Hazel shrugs. "I don't know. With the way they're just letting us occupy the waiting room like this in the middle of a pandemic, I'm thinking it's pretty serious."

Percy looks at the camera, and then quickly looks back out the window.

"I'm skeptical," says Annabeth. "He's probably just taking advantage of his situation so he can use us as pawns."

"Annabeth!" Percy scolds. "He could be dying in there and all you can think about is ulterior motives? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Annabeth rolls her eyes. "What the hell is wrong with the dean? He's been using us as unpaid labor all year."

"This isn't about the admissions pamphlets still, is it?" Jason asks. "'Cause that was last year."

Annabeth sits back in her chair and throws her arms up in defense. "All I'm saying is that we should watch our backs. Dean D isn't exactly one to go down without a fight, and you know he'll love to profit off this however he can. Ugh, I can just see the headline now..."

The footage cuts before Annabeth can finish her thought. More importantly, Leo decides to take his film crew straight to the dean's hospital room.

The camera pans to the dean, a man whose age is hard to tell, but whose condition seems weak. Then again, he appeared weak before he was hospitalized. A man already overweight and constantly red in the face probably shouldn't drink multiple cases of Diet Coke in a day, however, he's currently opening a can.

"What is the meaning of this, Leonard?" Dean D says. "Playing god again?"

Leo speaks into the boom mic held by Jake Mason, a fellow engineering major. Jake must have been in an accident or something because he gets around in a wheelchair. It's the coolest thing Leo's ever seen though. It's all decked out with cup holders and speakers. You'd think a guy that crafty would be able to construct a motor for it, but Jake seems happy using his muscle to get around.

"I'm documenting your story here in the hospital. I find it interesting," Leo explains to the dean.

That's not entirely true. Leo just wanted to try out the documentary format. It feels powerful to be all-knowing. It makes for wonderful dramatic irony in three, two, one.

"I'm not dying, you know," the dean snaps. "I'm just recovering from a kidney stone procedure."

"So why the charade?" Leo asks. He'll take the footage of himself out of the final product during the editing stage.

"I wanted to show the so-called New Rome Seven that I'm not messing around. See how they respect me now that I'm dying? I'm sure at least that poor concussed boy is pacing the floor by now."

The camera cuts to footage of Jason Grace, one of Leo's best friends and Greek and Roman mythology classmates, pacing the hospital waiting room floor, his hand pressed to his chin, even though we all know there isn't a thought behind those electric blue eyes.

The camera cuts back to Dean D lying in bed. He sips some Diet Coke out of a straw and changes the channel on the television.

"I'll show them some respect," he says, patting a lumpy purple duffel bag lying on the armchair next to him.

Leo waves his hand, signaling for Travis to zoom the camera in on the bag.

The camera fades out. Ominous music will be layered over the shot of the bag, but Leo will probably have to get Austin Lake or one of the other music majors to record something. It would be a shame if Leo's documentary ran into any copyright issues.

An image of the study group—sans Leo, who is behind the camera—appears on the screen. Annabeth is playing cat's cradle with some yarn. There's a shot of Percy building a virtual aquarium on his phone, and a shot of Piper reading a Cosmopolitan magazine, although she hasn't turned the page in some time.

Will Solace, an intern at the local hospital and another classmate at New Rome Community College, enters the scene. He is wearing mint-colored scrubs and a face mask to match.

"Hey, everyone," Will says. He waves to Leo and the camera crew. Then, he reads from his clipboard. "Dean D will see... I think this is supposed to say Jason? Yeah, Jason, you can come on back and see the dean now."

"One at a time?" Percy asks. "Can't he just speak to all of us at once?"

Not once looking up from the yarn wrapped around her fingers, Annabeth says, "It's part of his plan. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Leo and the camera crew follow Jason and Will down the hall and into Dean D's hospital room.

Will opens the door to let Jason in. His eyes widen, but not at the camera. He wipes his glasses against his shirt as if Dean D's poor condition is a result of dirty lenses.

"Well?" Dean D asks. "Come here so I can bequeath unto you my parting gift."

Jason takes a seat on the edge of the bed but accidentally sits on a remote. Will has to intervene so the dean isn't folded in half.

Still purple in the face, Dean D takes an envelope from his nightstand, the same kind of envelope you might put your money in to deposit at the bank. Jason reaches to accept the gift from the dean.

Dean D's grip on the envelope tightens when Jason's fingers close around it. "You won't open this in here," he says.

"Why not?" Jason asks. "What's in it?"

"It's a transcript of all the times your so-called friends stabbed you in the back."

"They wouldn't stab me in the back."

"Think about it," says the dean. "You're the one that got on the group's bad side within the first two weeks of classes your freshman year."

Jason can't just let him tear his friends apart like that. "Annabeth was right! You're just using your sickness as an excuse to take advantage of us!"

"Am I? Or is that what they want you to believe?"

Jason sets the envelope against a cart of nurse's equipment on his way out.

The camera zooms in on the cart of nursing equipment. Jason can be seen taking the envelope.

Leo's camera crew follows Jason down the hall. He puts the envelope in his pocket.

Jason takes a seat in the waiting room. None of the friends can sit next to each other because of the hospital's social distancing protocols. On the chair to Jason's right sits a traffic cone with a picture of SpongeBob taped to it.

The camera angles towards someone coming down the hall. It focuses to reveal none other than Will Solace. He is back again to fetch another study group member for bequeathing.

"It's Hazel's turn," he says.

"Oh, that's nice!" says Hazel. She says that a lot of things are nice. This is like her catchphrase.

Hazel gets on her feet, careful not to forget the bouquet she brought to give to the dean.

Will leads her down the hall, but the cameras stay in the waiting room for just a moment.

"What's in the envelope?" Piper asks.

Jason twirls the envelope between his fingers. "Dean D said it's a transcript of you all talking about me behind my back."

Nobody says anything.

"You didn't do that, did you?" Jason asks. "Talk about me behind my back, I mean."

The members of the study group wave Jason off as if his idea is preposterous to them.

"Nah," says Frank.

"We would never," Percy says, perhaps with too much embellishment.

Leo thinks this is boring, and he's starting to feel like he's missing too much of the other side of the story. The point of the documentary is to gain an omniscient point of view.

The cameras fade in on Dean D's hospital room once again. Hazel seems to be holding back tears. The flowers she brought are in a heap on the floor, and she is holding a brick.

"What does this mean?" she asks. "Please! If you die, I want to be able to know what you tried to tell me on your deathbed."

Dean D looks close to admitting his kidney stones won't kill him. This conversation must have been going on for a while. "It never hurts to have a brick on you."

Defeated, at last, Hazel leaves the room. Dean D looks at the camera.

"I forgot about her," he says. "I needed to improvise."

"You're not wrong," Travis the cameraman says to the dean. "Bricks can come in handy. I always keep mine on me at all times just in case-"

The audio cuts out because Leo just told Jake Mason to turn off the boom mic.

The camera fades out and then back in as the crew follows Hazel back to the waiting room.

"I told you all," says Annabeth. "This is some kind of sick joke."

"Guys, it's not even worth going in," says Jason. "I thought I'd at least learn something about New Rome or how to pass mythology class. All I got was a pack of lies. And it is a lie that you were all talking about me, correct?"

Everyone groans.

"At least the dean didn't give you a brick," Hazel says.

"I wish I got the brick!" says Jason.

"Really? Because all I can imagine is wanting to get rid of this stupid thing five years from now, but not being able to because it was given to me by a man on his deathbed!"

The camera zooms in on Hazel's outburst.

"If Hazel's this upset, I'm going to go set things straight," says Piper. She gets up out of her seat and takes off down the hallway.

The camera bounces up and down as Travis attempts to match Piper's speed.

Will shoots out of a supply closet and says, "Wait, no, it's Frank's turn! Piper, you'll ruin his bequeathing!"

"I don't care!" Piper pushes the door open and confronts Dean D. "What is your problem?"

Dean D looks into the camera and makes a face.

"Well?" Piper demands.

The dean folds his hands over the top of his hospital blanket. "Are you and your father close?" he asks.

Piper furrows her eyebrows. "Well, no, not exactly."

"Hmm?"

She looks at her feet. "I haven't... We haven't spoken since the summer."

"What if I told you I found your father and he's on his way here?"

"I'd say you were crazy. He's almost impossible to get in touch with."

Dean D twiddles his thumbs. "It's true. It was hard, but he's on his way."

The camera zooms in on Piper's surprised face and then turns black.

Back in the waiting room, Piper and Percy are speaking quietly to each other. Piper made a stop for a Starbucks coffee on her way back, but the baristas wouldn't let Leo's equipment into the cafe.

"Okay, let's practice. Talk to me like I'm your dad," Percy says.

Piper pulls her mask back over her face and sets down her coffee. She turns to Percy. "Dad, you suck."

"Care to elaborate?"

"My dad wouldn't say that."

"I'm doing my best here, Piper."

She crosses her legs. "Fine. Dad, you were a lousy parent and you lost my pinch pot when I was in kindergarten. I can't forgive you for that."

"I'm not asking you to," says Percy-as-Piper's-father.

"Did you even know I was a victim of racist bullying in school?" Piper says in a voice that's probably too loud for a hospital waiting room. "I mean, you could have at least signed one field trip permission slip!"

"I'm sorry you missed out on the field trip, but I'm here now."

"Your secretary doesn't count."

Percy angles his hands in a T. "Woah, time out. Your dad has a secretary?"

"Karen was the one who was around when I was a kid, but she retired a couple of years ago, so he hired this new girl named Kristin."

"What does your dad do for a living that makes him so busy anyway?" Percy asks.

Piper folds her arms. "We're done with this conversation." She throws her coffee away and walks down the hall and into the confessional.

It's not like, a church confessional or anything. Have you ever noticed that documentaries always have a space where the crew conducts private interviews? That's called the confessional.

In Modern Family, it's usually Phil Dunphy's couch. In Total Drama Island, it's a nasty outhouse. Even fake documentaries have confessionals, so Leo knew that his real documentary had to have one.

It wasn't hard to find a space. You see, most hospitals have a room for drawing blood, so as long as someone doesn't actively have a needle stuck through them, it's fair game.

Piper takes a seat in the blue chair and looks at the camera.

Jake lowers his boom mic, and it hovers in the shot ever so slightly.

"My dad is the actor Tristan McLean. There. I said it. That's why I never told anybody my last name," she says. "High school was hard enough living in his shadow. I want to be my own person at college."

Leo has to ask some questions. He's lucky that he got someone to use his confessional. "Do you think the dean actually found your dad?"

"I don't know. He's a powerful guy, but I can't even get in touch with my dad, and I'm me." Piper leans back in the chair and stares at a dead bug trapped in the fluorescent light.

"Travis, put the camera back on Piper. Nobody cares about the bug." Leo snaps his finger.

Travis does as he's told.

"What are you going to do if you see your dad today?" Leo asks.

"I'm honestly not sure."

That's not an interesting answer. They're running into a dead-end, so Leo goes a different route. "Did you guys talk about Jason behind his back?"

"I want to say no, but he did miss the first week or so of class this year when he got COVID, so I... I suppose we might have talked about him when he was gone, but I don't really remember what we said. I honestly can't see us saying anything bad about him. We like Jason. I like Jason, at least."

The camera fades to black, and once again we are in the hospital waiting room. Jason's sweaty hands have soaked through the envelope Dean D gave him. Hazel sets her new brick on the coffee table, on top of a stack of home improvement magazines. Piper has bought another coffee.

Will Solace walks into the room. At this point, he's like the angel of death.

"Happy to see me?" he asks.

"Dear God, make it stop!" Annabeth groans.

"Who's next?" Percy asks. "'Cause I was thinking about making a run for food."

"Food sounds nice," says Hazel.

"Frank's next," Will says.

Frank stands up and wipes his palms against his jeans. He's practically sweating through his polo t-shirt. Leo's not exactly sure why someone would dress up to visit the dean at the hospital. Is it because he's the dean, or because he's allegedly on his deathbed?

"Oh, you don't have to come back," Will says. "Dean D said your gift is... oh my god he meant it."

"What?" Hazel asks. "What's Frank's gift?"

"Hi!" A man in a black polo and khakis joins them in the waiting room. "I'm looking for Frank Zhang."

Frank gasps.

"Who the hell is that?" Annabeth whispers.

Percy gasps. He too is starstruck. "That's Phil Swift. CEO of Flex Seal. His company makes products like Flex Tape, Flex Seal, Flex Glue, Flex Shot-"

"Okay, we get it," Annabeth says. "Seaweed Brain."

"You're... You're..." Frank can't contain his excitement.

Phil Swift holds out his hand for a fist bump, but Frank is frozen solid. "Okay, no touching. It's nice to meet you, Frank."

The camera cuts to footage seen through a window. This is supposed to be a private moment for Frank, but comedic montages are the best part of every documentary sitcom.

"They say you should never meet your heroes, but maybe heroes should never meet their fans!" Frank's muffled voice says as he kicks a chair over. He wraps his hands around his head and pulls his hair.

The camera cuts to more footage of Frank in the middle of his meltdown. Leo's crew follows the sound of blubbering into the men's bathroom.

"This is a little risky, isn't it?" Jake asks.

"Shh! Listen!" Leo hisses.

Travis focuses the camera on Frank, who is curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor.

"To show you the power of Flex Tape... I sawed the boat in half!" He topples over onto his side and continues crying. The poor dude is hysterical.

"Should we... should we do something?" Travis asks.

"We're supposed to be a neutral party," Leo says.

"Yeah, but-"

The picture fades to black again, and then we're back in the waiting room. Jason is pacing back and forth still clutching his envelope. Hazel is missing; hopefully, she is recording footage in the confessional that Leo can use in his final version of the documentary. Annabeth, Percy, and Piper are playing a game of Crazy-8 together on their phones, but their heads all seem to be somewhere else, according to Travis.

"I think I'll make that food run now. Does anybody want anything from Taco Bell?" Percy asks.

"I'll get a veggie burrito, no cheese, please," says Piper. She hands Percy a five-dollar bill.

Percy takes the money. "This is more than enough. Do you want like, a soda or something?"

"Want anything, Annabeth?" Piper asks.

"I can take care of myself."

"Geez, okay, someone's a little hangry." Piper turns to Percy. "Call it a little bit of gas money, then. Prices are going up by the minute."

"Word," says Jason.

"Do you guys want anything?" Percy asks.

Hazel scrunches her nose. "No thank you."

Jason finally takes a seat. "Yeah, I'll do a large Baja Blast and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch... maybe make that two."

"The original or the Dorito?" Percy asks.

"Shit, they make those with Doritos now? Get me those!" Jason pumps his fist like this is the first good news he's heard all day. Then again, it probably is the first good news he's heard all day. "I'll Venmo you," he adds.

"No," says Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of other related products. "I'll pay for it." He hands Percy a bill with Ben Franklin on it.

"Sir, this is more than enough," Percy says. "It's just Taco Bell."

"Yes," says Phil Swift. "And I would like a Chalupa Supreme with a Coke."

"C'mon, Annabeth!" Piper says. "You like Mexican food. Don't you want anything?"

"I guess now that the inventor of Flex Seal is buying," she says. "I dunno... just get me a taco or something."

Percy rolls his eyes. "It's like you've never been to Taco Bell. Don't worry, I'll pick something out for you."

But there is a worse problem at hand. It's far worse than Frank crying somewhere in the hospital.

It's so bad that Leo has to intervene even though he swore that he would remain a neutral party.

"You guys realize that's not real Mexican food, right?" Leo asks.

"That's what I was thinking," Hazel mutters.

Jason sticks his envelope back in his pocket. "I mean, yeah, and I don't even want to know what they poison the ground beef with, but I still like it."

"Please don't do this to yourselves," Leo says. "You'll be spending the whole afternoon on the toilet!"

Someone from the hallway clears his throat. "The dean wants to see Percy now," says Will Solace.

Percy jumps. "Sorry guys-"

"Where's Frank?" Phil Swift asks. "I'll find him and go to Taco Bell for you."

"Thank you," Percy says. "Oh! Mr. Swift, your money-"

"Keep it, kiddo! Call it a scholarship, courtesy of Flex Seal."

"Awesome." Percy follows Will down the hall.

Shoot.

"Travis," Leo says, "call in Connor. I need a camera in the car with Phil and Frank."

The camera bobs back and forth as Travis pulls out his phone to call his younger brother.

The picture of the confessional fades in. Percy is sitting in the chair holding a bottle of really expensive-looking wine.

"So, do I just... talk?" he asks.

Nobody answers. It's on him to start the confession. Leo will only ask questions if the situation calls for an interview, and honestly, he doesn't have many questions for Percy other than how dare you suggest Taco Bell?

"Cool..." Percy trails off. "The dean gave me this." He shows the wine label to the camera. "I'm not exactly sure what chardonnay is or why he gave it to me. I mean, I don't drink. I thought that was a well-known fact about me, but apparently, news travels slower in college than it did in high school."

Then, Leo decides to ask a question just to be nice. "Would you be willing to tell us why you don't drink?"

Percy shrugs. "Sure. I guess they call it a confessional for a reason... Anyway, when I was a kid... I mean, my real dad left before I was even born... Well, my mom..." he trails off, struggling for the words to describe his lifestyle choice.

"Take your time," Jake says.

Percy sighs and sets his hands on the tray in front of him. "Look, I don't like to tell this story to people who don't already know half of it. It's really heavy, and it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, so if I'm trauma-dumping or upsetting anybody, just tell me to stop. Okay?"

The camera bobs up and down as Travis nods.

Leo cuts this footage out of the final project. After all, a huge part of storytelling is deciding which parts of the story are most essential to the end result, and which parts are simply 'lard' that can be cut out.

Under normal circumstances, Leo might put the footage from Percy's confessional on an anniversary edition of the DVD and call it a special deleted scene, but then again, Percy's story of his former stepfather's abuse deserves a little more dignity than that.

On that note, the camera now shows Leo and Jake rushing to catch up with Annabeth Chase, which is probably hard for Jake considering he only has one free arm to maneuver his wheelchair. Annabeth shoves nurses and patients out of her pathway to Dean D's hospital room.

"Dean!" Annabeth bellows. "You need to set things right!"

"Hello, Annie Bell. Rough day?" Dean D asks calmly.

"Hazel is freaking out over a brick, Jason has almost completely lost trust in all of us, Percy is crying and holding a bottle of wine, and I'm pretty sure Piper just got sick in the bathroom!"

Annabeth's gotten into this whole documentary thing! She's even speaking in plot points. She won't be the fan-favorite character, but she'll certainly help move the story along, and she'll help fill in the viewers who forgot to hit 'pause' before their bathroom breaks.

"Why don't you have a seat and we'll talk about this?" Dean D gestures to the seat next to his bed.

Annabeth seems skeptical, but she obliges.

Dean D passes Annabeth a blue controller for his Nintendo Switch console, which Leo hooked up to the television for him.

Annabeth sighs in defeat. "What are we playing?"

"Super Smash." Dean D selects Donkey Kong for his character.

Annabeth moves the joystick and peruses the character selection for a minute. It's like she's never played before. Leo wants to intervene and tell her to pick Kirby since she's a noob.

Alas, she picks Pikachu. It could be worse; she could have picked the Wii Fit trainer or something ridiculous, but it's still Pikachu up against Donkey Kong.

The match starts, and Dean D is a lot better at this game than Leo thought he would be. He's kicking Annabeth's butt, which isn't good for her ego.

"Let's go again," Annabeth says when she accidentally throws Pikachu off the cliff for the third time in a row.

"One more," she says after Donkey Kong drives Pikachu into the ground of the battle stadium.

Annabeth doesn't even have to ask to play again after losing another time. Dean D just hits play.

It looks like she's picked up some of the controls, which is good. The camera zooms in on Annabeth and the dean playing since it can't pick up the images on the screen all that well. Leo's going to have to recreate the game later and edit a screen recording into the documentary.

"Ha! I won! I kicked your ass!" Annabeth stands up and drops her controller on Dean D's bed. "Suck it!"

Dean D connects the controller to the main console. "Congratulations, Anne Elizabeth. I suppose you're ready for your bequeathing? We should hurry since Piper's father is on his way."

"It's Annabeth, and I don't want your gift."

"Whatever," the dean mumbles as he reaches into his bag.

Annabeth slaps his hand away, which probably isn't reasonable considering he's a man wearing a leopard print Hawaiian shirt over a hospital gown.

"Listen closely 'cause I'm only saying this once: If anyone other than Piper's dad gets out of that car, it's on sight. I will make your life a nightmare if you're tricking my friends." And then she just storms off.

"See if you can get her in the confessional," Leo says to Jake.

The camera zooms in on Dean D. His eyes widen and he reaches for his cell phone and his pants.

Jake, unfortunately, cannot get Annabeth into the confessional. She rejoins the others in the waiting room, although it is unclear at this point whether they are waiting for Dean D's release from the hospital or for Phil Swift and Frank to return with Taco Bell for everyone.

"Annabeth," Leo starts. "Would you mind telling our audience what you meant by your threat against the dean?"

"Shut it, Valdez. I don't want to be a part of your stupid documentary."

"Was it a threat?" he asks. After all, it could have been a moment of heated emotion.

Annabeth's eyes narrow.

"Your relationship with Dean D has been tense since last year. Can you elaborate- Hey!"

Annabeth puts her palm against the camera and pushes Travis out of the way.

Meanwhile, Connor is sitting in the back of Phil Swift's rental car, filming the action—or lack thereof—with a smaller, more compact camera.

Frank is still frozen with awe. Then again, who wouldn't be completely starstruck by the legend Phil Swift?

At this point, Phil has asked Frank about his major, his interests, where he's from, and other simple questions that you might ask any college student sitting shotgun in your rental car, but Frank's failed to give any real answers.

Leo dreaded it would come to this, but it would be a waste to have a guest star as big as Phil Swift and not feature him as much as possible.

"So perhaps you've noticed that my good friend Leo Valdez is filming a documentary about our experience today at the hospital," Connor says, shuffling a pile of notecards with interview questions written on them. "Would you be open to doing an interview?"

Phil takes a sip of his large Diet Coke from Taco Bell and then sets the plastic cup back in the paper cup holder tray. "Go for it, kiddo. Is this for a class?"

"I'll ask the questions here," says Connor. "What advice would you give to a broke college student looking to make some fast cash?"

"Well, kid, I would say to work hard and look for-"

"Do you think prostitution could be an option for a guy like me?" Connor asks.

Phil Swift stutters as he tries to attempt an answer. "Well, I'd say that if you have the passion and the drive, you can accomplish anything you want."

"Yes, but take a career like prostitution where looks matter. Do you think anyone could do it, or should I maybe lower my standards?" Connor asks. "Or maybe I should start selling candy in the freshmen dorms."

"Good God, kid, do that. That sounds like a nice entrepreneurial spirit," Phil Swift says.

"Great," says Connor. "Next question: Do you have plans for any upcoming Flex Seal products?"

Phil Swift relaxes as if this is a question he gets often. Leo wasn't so sure about putting this question in the mix, but Jake said he should include something 'relevant.'

"Currently, I'm focusing on my company, The Swift Response, LLC-"

"Follow-up question!" Connor shouts before Phil can say something too boring for Leo's documentary. "What do you think about a Flex Lube? I'm thinking we could take That's a lotta damage to a whole new level... a whole new level in the bedroom, that is!"

Frank turns around at last. "Connor, what the hell? That's an insult to the Flex Seal brand!"

"I'm saying it could be really useful. People would buy it, especially if it were available at the Home Depot alongside other Flex Seal products!" Connor says.

"Yes, but Flex Seal is about holding things together, not... not that!"

"So maybe like, Flex Bondage?"

Phil Swift sighs and rubs his temples. It seems like he's about to put a stop to this discussion, but to everyone's surprise, he says, "No, that would just be Flex Tape."

There is now a spread of Taco Bell where the People and Cosmopolitan magazines used to be. Leo isn't sure where Connor went; he must have grabbed a fake taco and gone home to work on his Flex Sex inventions. At least it rhymes. Maybe he can saw something in half.

Everyone is taking turns grabbing food from the makeshift buffet, including Jason, who has finished his Cheesy Gordita Crunch and is getting the grease all over his envelope from the dean.

The nacho cheese and cinnamon twists have disappeared. In unrelated news, so have Annabeth and Percy. In even more distant and unrelated news, the door to the confessional is locked and none of the nurses can get in to conduct blood donations.

"Alright! You've got this!" Piper takes a packet of Diablo hot sauce and squeezes the entire thing in her mouth.

Frank's eyes widen, but he doesn't say anything. He is back to being completely awestruck by Phil Swift.

Piper starts fanning her open mouth. "Oh my god. Oh my god!" She chugs her Baja Blast but realizes that it's no use, and throws the drink onto the carpet. She heads to the bathroom, speedwalking faster than a Karen who needs to speak to a manager.

Hazel stands up to get some more food. Lucky for her, there's one more Cinnabon Delight.

"Oh, you go ahead and take it," she says to Phil Swift, who is also reaching for the sweet.

"I insist, young lady, take the cinnamon ball," Phil says.

Hazel waves him off. "No thanks, you're the one who paid anyway."

"What's your name?" Phil Swift asks.

"Hazel, sir."

"None of that 'sir' stuff, okay?"

"Okay, sir—I mean—Mr. Swift?"

"We'll work on that," says Phil Swift. "Hazel, I'm going to tell you something that not even a dying dean can tell you. You need to stop letting people walk all over you."

"Oh, I don't mind-"

"But you do! Your dean gave you a brick and he won't tell you what it means, yet you won't go demand an answer from him! You've gotta stand up for yourself," Phil says.

Words of wisdom from Phil Swift. Who knew?

Hazel picks at a stray thread on her purple poodle skirt.

"I'll say this one more time," says Phil. "You go ahead and eat the Cinnabon."

Hazel wraps the Cinnabon Delight in her napkin and goes back to her seat.

The camera zooms in as Hazel eats her treat. After wiping her hands on her napkin and throwing away her trash, she picks up the brick. Back and forth she passes it between each hand as if taking in its weight and texture for the first time. It's funny how an ordinary object can take on a new meaning after you've eaten too much sugar.

The camera whips around as Annabeth enters the room. There's a speck of nacho cheese on her chest. She clears her throat, and everyone looks away, including the camera.

"Hey, guys!" Percy says. He runs into the waiting room and jogs in place next to Annabeth. "Wow, I just have so much energy right now! Maybe I will drink that bottle of wine! Or maybe I won't! Who knows?"

Jason looks at the camera and cocks an eyebrow.

Percy continues to gush over everything and nothing all at once. "Wow, I'm just so hungry still! I might get another Crunch Wrap. How about you Annabeth? Round two?"

Annabeth rolls her eyes. "Absolutely not."

"Okay!" Percy sits down next to Frank. "Woah. Suddenly... sleepy..." he says between yawns.

"Who's listening to Britney Spears? Guys, you know we can't listen to her music until she's free!" Jason says.

"Cool it, Sparky, it's just my ringtone." Piper picks up her phone and silences "Toxic." "Huh," she says. "It's a number from my hometown. Should I answer it?"

Ever notice how the group can function normally, but as soon as there's an adult significantly older than them in the room, everything goes to chaos?

Neither did Leo until he sees how everyone just kind of turns to Phil Swift for answers.

"Can't hurt," he says. "Worst that'll happen is spam."

"Hello?" Piper turns to face the window and talks quietly. "Right now? Uh, sure?" She looks into the camera and mouths, My dad.

Now, this is the drama that Leo's been waiting for.

"Where is he?" Annabeth asks, leaping to her feet and putting on her beat-up leather jacket.

Piper puts her hat on and then covers the microphone on the cell phone. "Pulling up outside, I guess."

"We'll go with you." Frank already is dressed for the cold weather.

Together, the members of the study group, Leo's camera crew, and Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal, are gathered on the porch of the hospital. A few cabs pull over and ask them if they need rides, but after a while, a grey Mercedes pulls up outside the hospital.

Jason squeezes Piper's hand. Yeah, even the camera caught that.

The door opens and out comes none other than famous actor Tristan McLean.

Piper's gasp is visible in the cold air.

Tristan takes off his sunglasses and spreads his arms out wide. "How's my little girl?"

"I..."

"You're an actor!" Annabeth shouts.

The camera cuts to footage of Frank in the confessional.

"At first I thought, 'Heck yeah, it's an actor, stupid' because it was Tristan McLean... but then I realized that wasn't what Annabeth meant." Frank tugs his mask higher on his face. "I mean, I can't decide what's more unbelievable: that the dean would hire an actor to pretend to be Piper's dad or that he could actually get Tristan McLean..." Frank fades off, lost in thought. "Oh! But I heard he's going to be in MythoMagic: The Movie. I'll have to see if Jason and Nico want to see it when it comes out."

The camera cuts back to the surprised faces of the study group. You'd be surprised too if heartthrob Tristan McLean claimed to be your friend's dad.

"I can't believe it!" Jason shouts. "You thought we'd fall for this? You thought she'd fall for it?"

Tristan McLean backs away slowly.

Jason steps forward. He's ready for a fight.

Tristan gets back in the car. "I'll call you later, honey!" he says before slamming the door shut.

The car starts to drive out of the parking lot, but that doesn't stop Jason. He's running full speed now. Jake can't get his wheelchair over the curb. Travis is struggling to keep up with his heavy filming equipment.

CRASH!

A brick flies through the air and completely shatters the window of Tristan McLean's Mercedes Benz. A faint scream is heard from within the car.

The camera focuses on the culprit: Hazel.

Hazel?

"That'll teach him to upset my friend," she says.

Frank hunches over and starts panting. "Oh my... Hazel, you can't just... holy..." He seems pale like he might pass out.

Then again, Tristan McLean just got pummeled by a brick.

Good thing this all happened outside a hospital because Leo's not sure if Frank and Tristan would be allowed to share an ambulance.

The scene cuts to Leo sitting in the confessional. At last, it is his turn to contribute to the documentary.

"You see, all documentary-style television shows end the same way. There's an inspirational voiceover from a Michael Scott kind of character while a sappy montage of our characters getting their happy endings is spliced together," Leo says.

Leo's voiceover continues over the following video clips: Frank shaking hands with Phil Swift and finally carrying a real conversation, Hazel pressing a bag of ice against Jason's head even though nobody knows how he got hurt, Percy giving the bottle of expensive wine back to the dean, Piper speaking to Tristan McLean, who is now bandaged and bruised, Jason tearing up the envelope and throwing it into the garbage, and Annabeth playing Super Smash Bros. with Dean D, who seems to be making a full recovery.

"Am I the Michael Scott character?" Leo asks. "I never really say anything inspirational. I'm just the guy who uses television to relate to people. I guess I can just bullshit something." He clears his throat.

"Did you like being all-knowing?" Jake Mason asks.

Leo sits back in the blood donation chair. "Eh, if anything, I learned that it's stressful being all-knowing. It comes with more responsibilities than I realized. I knew that Frank would rather have a signed picture of Phil Swift than meet the actual guy, but I couldn't tell anyone that. Look how it turned out though! He's okay, and he got Taco Bell out of it. Then there's Piper. I know Tristan McLean is her dad. Hell, I knew that since freshman year, but I sort of wish I didn't. It wouldn't be fair of me to share a secret I shouldn't know with the others. I guess what I'm saying is... I can't be a main character and a documenter at the same time. Only characters can contribute to the plot. If I contributed too much to the story in my role as a director, I'd have ruined it."

"Do you think you'll do a documentary again?" Travis asks. "Connor wants to know if he should invest in a better camera."

"I don't know yet. Probably not. I like being a character too much, and if I'm being honest, I think Connor does too. Tell him that for me."

Leo jumps as the door to the confessional opens, reminding him and the crew that this isn't actually their confessional. It's a room for blood donations.

The montage ends, and Leo is seen again, this time with a needle stuck through his arm. He is donating blood.

A documentary by Leo Valdez

Directed by Leo Valdez

Produced by Leo Valdez

Edited by Leo Valdez

Boom Mic: Jake Mason

Camera 1: Travis Stoll

Field Camera: Connor Stoll

Featuring...

Dean D as Himself

Percy Jackson as Himself

Annabeth Chase as Herself

Frank Zhang as Himself

Jason Grace as Himself

Piper McLean as Herself

Hazel Levesque as Herself

Will Solace as Himself

And Phil Swift as Himself