Rejection by taes_smirk

Reviewer: Rena
TaesLilKookie

Before I start writing I want to tell you not to get discouraged by my words, I'm simply pointing out the places you can improve your writing. There is nothing a good edit cannot fix. With that said let's go...

Title :: 2/5

The title matches the story really well and has so much relevance to the starting of the story as well as the theme, but the title is not a unique one and would easily be lost in the many under the same name. There is nothing about the title that either stand-out or piques the reader's curiosity. I would really suggest changing this.

Cover :: 1/5

The cover is doing nothing. It's literally a picture of half of Jimin's face and neck. Honestly, the picture of a cover you have in chapter 18 would look so much better than the one you are currently using. The author's name isn't written at all and the font used to write the title is too small.

The cover needs to be changed if you want to draw in more readers. If you cannot make one yourself (which is completely fine, not everyone can be a designer), you can try at a graphics shop for a good one. Whichever option you choose you really need to better cover.

Blurb :: 5/10

Your blurb isn't unattractive. It gives the reader a synopsis of what the story is about, however it is a literal part of the prologue. And contradicting my earlier point, it isn't giving us much insight to what kind of story we are getting into. I mean sure, the blurb literally tells us that Yerin proposed and was rejected by Jimin, but what about the rest? Maybe an insight of what follows?

The blurb doesn't have to give us the whole point of the story, but it needs to give us an insight of what the reader is going to get into. A little explanation, maybe even a quote from the characters, but overall it needs to give us a basic synopsis of the plot.

First Impression :: 1/10

The cover wasn't really attractive, the blurb, while good, wasn't insightful and the thing I usually judge to read a book the most is the hook. And since we already talked about the previous two, let's focus on the last one.

I'm forgoing the intro and prologue, because in all honesty, the story really starts in chapter one and the prologue is merely there to give insight to the story. In your story's case, I felt that you could have forgone the prologue altogether as most of the insight we get in the prologue happens in chapter one. As I already said, the prologue is supposed to be an insight for something big happening later in the story and not for the very first chapter. A prologue is something people usually forget until the inciting incident happens and then we go "ah so that is what was mentioned in the prologue". I think as writers mostly everyone forgets this and it's not just you doing it.

Now to chapter one, Your first sentence isn't very unique but would have had so much more impact if we didn't already know what was happening due to the prologue. The biggest turn off here was the sentence structure and the grammar, but more on that later.

The first scene was interesting, but then we went to a flashback of an incident we already knew happened because it's the same one that happened in the prologue. Frankly speaking it's boring to read the same scene over and over again without losing interest. If I was reading from a reader's perspective I would either have given up on your book at this point or skimmed through the scene to get to something I already don't know.

Skimming through is something you really don't want your readers to do at the first chapter. It's the biggest turn off from continuing to read.

Plot :: 5/20

I wouldn't exactly call myself an expert when it comes to fanfictions, but the thing is, I found nothing unique about your plot. Nothing stood out for me, aside from the fact that how toxic their relationship is (And no, revenge in love is not sexy. Revenge on anything isn't sexy, that's really a horrible message to give readers, especially the younger variety). That is not to say that it wasn't interesting. I was really looking forward to figuring out what everyone was going through and the backstory between Jimin and Yerin.

I will admit that I only read until Chapter 20, but the plot really wasn't moving anywhere. The characters were stuck in a circle of events that simply weren't moving forward - for 20 chapters. There was a lot happening, yes, but was the plot moving forward? No. The characters were stuck in a literal circle and most of that circle was toxic.

There was also something I wanted to point out to you. Her dyslexia.

It really was mentioned out of nowhere. I say this because the story was literally revolving around Jimin's rejection, but her grades were mentioned countless times in the first two chapters. She thought the reason Jimin rejected her is because of her score, there was a lot of internal monologue going on there. Any of those places would have been a good place to mention her Dyslexia without it feeling like it hit out of nowhere. Because the place it was mentioned felt more like a second thought decision you added to simply make her life seem more miserable and a reason for her father to hate her. So yeah, I really suggest you mention her dyslexia more earlier in the story, possibly at the first mention of her thoughts when she thinks of Jimin rejecting her due to her low grades.

Flow :: 2/10

I couldn't feel the flow of the story at all.

I will praise you for blending the flashback so seamlessly with the present, that isn't something a lot of writers can accomplish without info dumping or going off topic, but you blended the past and present so well without confusing your readers and that really needs praise.

And honestly, I feel like the flow was broken mostly by sentence structure and grammar. Because half the story had no real structure to its sentences and some parts didn't make sense at all. There were even places I had to re-read twice or thrice before I understood what you were trying to say.

Grammar and Vocabulary :: 3/10

Your vocabulary is really good. You don't use complex words and the words used are appropriate and get the message across.

It's when it comes to grammar that you need to fix. Mostly your sentence structure is horrible. I get the feeling you aren't a natice english speaker, but I have to point that out. As I mentioned earlier, there were sentences that made no sense.

Examples from your story about this:

'A fangirl ghost? One who can do while she was alive then grow old and die -'

Here punctuations are missing as well as not making sense. The sentence should go more like:

'A fangirl ghost? One who couldn't do it while she was alive and is now possessing me to confess, grow old and die -'

Did that not make much better sense?

Another example :

'Now this as the only thing left in my school life after meeting rejected in front of the whole school.'

Here the problem lies with you not revising (which are easily missable when re-checking as well). It should read:

'Now this is the only thing left of my school life after getting rejected in front of the whole school.'

And another, I'm pointing this out because of sentence structure:

'Now, my body and his body were mixed with each other'

It's literally impossible to mix bodies, especially considering the scene that was taking place. They weren't doing anything R-rated. He was just pinning her to the wall with his body, nothing that would entail their bodies to be mixed with the other. Instead of writing this, you can simply stop at explaining where their hands and body are placed.

These mistakes are easily fixable, either use Grammarly - the free version helps fix grammar mistakes and you don't even need to get the premium version for this - or prowritingaid (I can't remember if this helps fix grammar, but it's a really useful tool for writers. And if you don't want to use an app, you can even find an editor to help you with that. I'm sure you can find them in wattpad too.

Emotions :: 3/10

The problem with emotions is that most writers tend to tell more than show. This would probably be the most common advice you'd hear in any writing platform. If you want your readers to feel your characters, telling them what they are feeling isn't going to make the reader feel anything.

Don't tell me she felt scared, or happiness or anger. That alone isn't going to make your reader feel, much less care. Show your characters fear by the shaking of their legs, the thundering of their heart, the blood rushing to their ears. Show me their happiness is the lightness they feel, their beaming smile, their eyes lightening up. Show their anger by them seeing red, the clenching of their fingers to fists, the tightness of their lips.

You can even use background, setting and surroundings to show emotion. A heavy rainy or bleary day for sadness. Sunny weather when your character is feeling happy.

These are merely examples and you can find so much more if you shift through pinterest or even search in google.

The way you have written isn't bad per say. It gets the message across, but if you want your reader to feel deep intense emotion and connect to the character, You really need to use a lot more showing vs. telling in your writing.

Character Development :: 4/10

Starting with the MC just letting Jimin treat her like literal dirt, and her own self-worth being next to none, I literally don't see why she liked Jimin other than for the very reason Jimin assured her of liking him, his figure, body, face or whatever. I'm not going to go about the love at first sight don't work thing because this is fiction and each to their own. Maybe she did fall in love with him the moment she saw him (Which I personally believe to be nothing more than lust. How can you even call it love when she already loves him the moment she sees him? She doesn't know anything about him at that point and the only thing she could remotely like him for is his looks, in which case it isn't love, rather lust). Moving on from that, aside from her falling for him from the moment she saw him, she never gives an explanation of why she loves him. Not even when directly asked.

All she did when Jimin asked was shout at him for hurting her and cry. This is as much toxic behaviour as the way Jimin treats her. I know she is a victim, but employing victim behaviour is something completely different.

There was literally no development for any character throughout the story. Every single girl in the story was letting every guy sexually harass her with zero problem about it - and yeah, kissing someone without consent, when their initial reaction is to push the other away is not considered as consent. That is harassment as well, no matter how much Yerin wants to kiss Jimin, him forcing himself on her and kissing her when she pushed him away is not consent.

Yerin barely stood up for anything when it came to Jimin. Not even for her own self- respect and dignity. I'm hoping this changes in the later chapter as I didn't read to the end.

But seriously give her a motivation other than loving Jimin for her actions. She literally is just a cardboard cutout character who was simply made for the sake of plot and not the other way around. The characters and their decisions should move the plot, the plot shouldn't move the characters or confirm their decisions.

Writing Style :: 1/10

I believe most of the trouble here is sentence structure and grammar mistakes. Mistakes in grammar, especially as many as you have made, can really deter from the style of writing. It's hard to determine structure when half of what you have written is so hard to understand.

Another problem was with the term Whiteroom Syndrome. White room syndrome is when writers don't write enough information about background (or setting) that the readers are left in a white room.

A great example of this is when you had to draw a seating chart to show where everyone sat for your readers to understand how the seating arrangements worked. If you had given us a little more background information in the classroom, this seating arrangement chart would have been redundant.

Another is the haunted house.

This scene lacked two things. Emotional explanation of Yerin's fear and background detailing to set it upon the reader.

You don't have to give paragraph upon paragraph of description on what the room looks like, just a basic explanation of what is in the room, the ambience, the color is enough to let the reader imagine the room instead of being stuck in a white room, because we have no clue of what it looks like. There is however a fine line between details and info dumping, so be careful you don't info dump either.

There was also the problem of you explaining every action the character makes. Which really isn't necessary. There is a fine line between over explaining what the character is doing vs. letting the reader's imagination fill the gap.

One example for this is

'I walked in front of him and stood in front of him'

'I walked over to him' would have been more than enough to get the message across.

There were many more such explanations of every action done by Yerin written out. This isn't really necessary and you can easily give the reader a clue to what's happening and their imagination fill the inbetween. That is the magic of reading after all

However your main problem with writing style can be easily fixed by fixing the grammar mistakes and the way you structure your sentences for better understanding.

Reader Enjoyment :: 3/5

If I ignore all the toxicity and grammar mistakes, I really did enjoy reading your book. It kept me curious and wanting to know what's happening next.

Overall :: 1/5

I really want to ask you not to be discouraged by either the harsh criticism or the marks. There is a lot of room for improvement and with some twerking done you would have a good story on your hands. Hoping to see a better version of your book once you get around to editing it.

______________________________________

Hope you will take our words and marks into consideration and let us see a better version soon.