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title track - machine gun kelley

"i sold some tickets to come see my downfall , they sold out in minutes."

"So the poem that I decided to analyze was Annabel Lee, by Edgar Allan Poe."

My voice shook almost as much as he hands that were holding my note cards. Looking out at the room, I could feel my chest get tighter, Bronwyn Rojas' eyes boring into my soul. Through no fault of her own, of course. It just felt like the expectation for any student at Bayview was Bronwyn.

"It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea," I began to recite, feeling the papery thing cue cards slide between my fingers.

I tightened my grip, hoping to stop them from falling as I continued. Alexia Staedtler, my best friend since the second grade, shot me a smile from the middle of the room, sticking both thumbs in the air in encouragement.

"That a maiden there lived, whom you know as Annabel Lee." I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes, even though I knew that doing so would lose serious marks when it came to presentation skills.

I looked down to read the next line, my mind suddenly going blank in my panic as I dropped the cue cards. From the back of the room, I saw Jake Riordan snickering. He was silenced with a glare from Alexia, and a death stare from Mrs. Raskin, but the damage was already done.

I could feel my breathing getting hard, my lungs starting to burn as I struggled to get fresh air into my respiratory system.

I could feel my breathing getting hard, my lungs starting to burn as I struggled to get fresh air into my respiratory system.

"Charis?" Alexia said, concern lacing her face as I began to disassociate from my surroundings.

"Miss Forrester?" Mrs. Raskin's voice dripped concern

Breathing was becoming next to impossible, my lungs felt like they were caving in as I tried to compose and answer. "I need- I need to- to go." I stuttered, abandoning my presentation as I tore out of the English classroom, multiple students rising from their chairs to see what was up as I vanished out of view.

I have no idea how long I sat there. I'd never had a panic attack that bad before.

But it was still the last straw. I was never going to live it down, could never show my face at school again.

Two warm hands touched my shoulders, the heat transferring through the thin material of my sweater.

"Hey, it's Charis, right? You're TJ's sister?"

I looked up, face flushed and tear stained. Sitting across form me was a boy with a kind face, long blonde hair dusting just below his chin. He smelt like cheap cologne and leather.
Nathaniel Macauley.

"You're Nate Macauley."

He nodded. "Charis, you're having a panic attack." He said simply, not asking if I'd had panic attacks before, or if there was anything he could do to help. It was almost as if Nate had done this before. "I need you to breathe with me, okay? Deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Can you do that for me, Charis?"

I nodded, inhaling sharply before exhaling, reaching out to hold on to Nate's arms.

"Okay, okay that's great, Forrester." Nate nodded along encouragingly. I could already feel my heart rate slowing down, but breathing was still painful. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head.

"Okay, that's okay." Nate shrugged his bag off his shoulder and rooted around inside. "I think I have something that might help you." He extracted his hand form the front pocket, fingers clasped around a ziploc bag with a small pink tablet in it. "Charis, this is lorazepam. It's going to help you calm down, and it will return your heart rate to normal. It's very strong, and you should only use it in emergencies."

I'd heard the rumors about Nate. Everybody had. The drugs, the girls. The criminal record. Of course I was hesitant to take the tablet. But all I wanted was for my lungs to stop hurting and to breathe like normal again.

I placed the small pink pill on my tongue, accepting the plastic water bottle Nate passed me to wash it down, hoping for some sort of relief as I swallowed before accepting the Macaulay boy's outstretched hands to aid me in getting back on my feet

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah, a little. Thanks, Nate. For staying with me."

Nate opened his mouth to say something, when a booming voice shouted my name down the English hallway.

"Charis!" Simon Kelleher shouted, tearing down the hallway, bakcpack unzipped and pages upon pages of math homework streaming out. "Alexia called and told me what happened, are you okay?"

Simon and I had known each other since freshman year, when I finally felt like I fit in somewhere. It was me and Simon, Alexia, Janae Vargas, and for a time, Maeve Rojas. I had finally felt like I found my people, until Maeve suddenly dipped on group activities, and we never really saw her anymore. I had a feeling it was because of Simon's gossip site, AboutThat, something that fractured his relationship with each of us at some point or another.

I couldn't get a word in before Simon zeroed in on Nate, eyes narrowing. "Get away from her, Macauley."

"Simon!" I warned, voice stern as Simon shoved Nate into a row of lockers. "He was trying to help!"

"She needed my help, Simon." Nate reiterated, pushing Simon back. "I talked her down, since you, her best friend, didn't even bother."

Simon jabbed his finger in Nate's face, getting up close and personal. "Shut the hell up, Nathaniel. You don't know what you're talking about."

Of course, at that time, the initial fractures of my relationship with Simon were already in place, as I realized I was beginning to grow out of some people. Some phases in my life. I was drifting away from Simon, and I knew he could tell that as well. That was probably why he'd taken so long to check in on me.

"Simon!" I shouted again, this time getting his attention. "Let's just go." I linked my arm through his. "Nate's not worth it."

"Fine." Simon spat, backing away from Nate. "Stay away from her."

"If you say so, tough guy." Nate chucked, giving Simon a mock salute as I followed the Kelleher boy down the halls, and out of Bayveiw high for an early lunch.

NOTES!!

have not had time to finish the entire series, but the book floored me form start to finish like a year ago and i have been ruminating on this prologue ever since.

have fun