𝘾𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 3

"What the League has done is irredeemable.. I get all that.. But still.. I didn't understand what she believed was truly right.

"Thinking about it now, I don't know anything about Toga Himiko at all."

Uraraka couldn't sleep. She ended up tossing and turning the entire night as her head was filled with thoughts of her.

Regret. That was what she thought of when she thought of Himiko Toga. She wanted to do more, to be a hero for even someone as far gone as her. But why?

And why am I suddenly thinking of her again?

That day where she tried to tell me how she felt, how come I didn't listen? I want to go back. Even if it was something I said two years ago. I want to go back to that day, start it all over. I thought I'd been over this, but that scene just replays in my head on loop. Why couldn't I have done more? More to stop her, no, more to help?

"You can't save everyone." That was a lesson hammered into any aspiring hero's head. But I still feel so guilty. It's the whole Sir Nighteye situation again, but it feels so much worse.

In some other universe, would we have been friends? Even schoolmates? I don't know the first thing about her. Just that she was a year older, and.. deeply in love.

But that must've been some type of charade, right? To mislead her, to make her hesitant and put down her guard. In the end, she was a villain, and Uraraka was a hero. She couldn't have done anything if she tried, it was destined to be this way.

That was what she tried to convince herself anyway, but her conflicting thoughts ran through the night, battling each other and offering her no sleep.

"Ochako? Are you feeling alright?" Tsuyu placed a finger on her chin as she looked at Uraraka with a worried expression.

"Eh?! Just fine, Tsu, ahaha.. Just a little tired. I ended up not getting much sleep last night." She gave a sheepish smile.

Uraraka only got a couple hours of sleep before her morning alarm went off, and now she was sluggishly heading downstairs with Tsuyu to meet the rest of the class. She ended up even forgetting to change out of her pajamas, and she didn't doubt the possibility of bags under her eyes either.

Tsuyu frowned but obviously knew to not push too much on the subject. Uraraka was grateful for that, as her friend was always so considerate even on her worse days.

She decided to change the subject as they reached the general common room. Mina and Momo were already up as well, probably talking about something related to the study session she held last night. "Since the weather is getting colder, would you like to borrow some of my blankets? I know you don't take well to the cold."

Tsuyu gave a small smile. "I learned my lesson last year, so it can't hurt to have some more. Thank you, Ochako!"

Before Uraraka could respond Mina waved over to the pair. "Tsu! Ochako!! Stop standing around and sit down already!"

As soon as they did Mina exploded into a rant, talking about the latest relationship drama and gossip around the school. Of course, it was mostly rumors, but predicting when people were going to start dating had become her specialty. Maybe her secret second quirk was love foresight.

Uraraka took her phone from her pocket and flipped it open, staring at her contacts with a frown. Yua left really suddenly yesterday.. Should I text and ask her what happened? But what if it's something personal, like when we first met? Am I allowed to even ask?? It's not really my business, but I'm just curious.

She pondered for a moment before bracing herself and just typing out an unrelated message.

Uraraka
Morning!! ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ Are you free today? We could do something you want to do, since yesterday was me just dragging you places.

Hopefully that doesn't sound too pushy.. If she doesn't bring it up then I won't mention how she left so quickly. We just met a couple days ago after all.

After a couple minutes the three bubbles popped up from Yua signaling she was typing. A few seconds of anticipation and.. then they disappeared. Uraraka unintentionally frowned, and was going to type out another response before Yua finally replied.

Yua
sorry,, i don't think i could make it today.. i'm a little sick

Uraraka
Oh, are you okay??? I could drop by with some medicine if you want

Yua
nop
e
no
no don't do that!
probably just a cold,
thank you anyways!

Uraraka
Tell me when you're feeling better!
Make sure yoire takig care of yourselg!!
you're*
taking*
yourself*
Sorry for the typos..

Uraraka winced as she was left in thought. Hopefully it's nothing serious.. I'd feel really bad since I'm the one who dragged her around all those public places.

"Uraraka, who are you texting??? You got this super sweet expression on your face, come on, tell me who!"

"Wha? No one! Just a friend!"

—

Suck.. Suck..

"Ochako.. your blood is so lovely.."

Suck..

I nudged closer to her, trying to envelope in her warmth. She's so soft.. So comfortable.

I sank my teeth deeper into her wound as I tried to get more. More of her blood. It was almost intoxicating, so sweet.. My mind feels heavy. I just want to be close to her.. That's all I want..

Suck.. Suck..

"Your face is so cute Ochako.. you look just like..."

Me?

Toga woke up in a cold sweat and immediately sat up. What.. even was that dream.. It was way too intimate!

The stinging in her wrist made her interrupt her panicked thoughts as she glanced down. Blood dripped from her hand to the pink bed sheets, staining them crimson.

No way.. The realization made her stare in horror at her own self-inflicted wound. I.. definitely did that. But, no, that can't be right..

I haven't done something like this since middle school..!

I dug in too much, it hurts so bad.. There's blood everywhere. Ow.

Toga gingerly lifted her wrist, taking a hold of the various deep bite marks she had given herself. I don't remember it hurting this much last time, I let myself get too invested in that stupid dream!

"Ow.." she muttered, rushing over to her small bathroom in order to wash the blood off, which was still flowing from her wound.

Her free hand frantically searched for the band-aids she kept in the cupboard as her other hand sat under the sink.

After digging through several girly face products and hair brushes she found the box and ripped open the seal with her teeth.

Band-aid.. Band-aid.. Okay! She quickly removed her hand from the steady flow of water and slapped it on, sighing with relief.

Maybe I need to start wearing long sleeves to sleep. I can't ever let this happen again.

The only thing was.. drinking her own blood made her really sick. Toga half-heartedly smiled in the mirror, seeing the red staining her teeth.

I'll just brush them and wait for the worst to come. It's been a while since middle school, so my immunity should be better now. Maybe nothing will happen at all, my quirk has evolved since then. I'm going to be fine.

Blehhh....

It was not fine.

Toga curled up in a mess of tissues, blankets, and a random assortment of candy she'd stolen from various gas stations. Turns out over the years it just gets worse.

She reached up to touch her forehead, feeling it be alarmingly hot. Maybe I have a fever.. Atsuhiro always said that most people who diagnose fevers with their hands are wrong though..

He isn't here to scold me for assuming I have fevers all the time to get out of League recruiting missions now. So I'll just say I do have one until someone can tell me otherwise.

Toga felt a headache come on and clutched her head. This is the worst.. This is all because of O- Uraraka. I hate her so much. I should've never met h..

She trailed off as she eyed the way her phone across the room flashed on, signaling a notification.

I shouldn't..

Toga crawled towards her cell phone that had been discarded on the floor and flipped it open, squinting at the response.

'no way, please never talk to me again and block this contact'

Maybe that's too mean.

Toga backspaced all her text and started over. I'll just tell her I'm sick, then she'll back off.. She can't afford to get sick as a hero student in their third year anyways.

She curled her body into a fetal position as she typed, now on the carpet flooring.

Toga read out Uraraka's response as she bit her lip. "'Are you okay..' No. 'I could drop by.. with some medicine..'" Toga's eyes widened as her voice died out. Drop by my house?!

No, no, no, no, no. That would be so really super bad. Toga blindly meshed a bunch of buttons that hopefully resembled the word 'no' and other declining phrases.

Never! That is the exact definition of letting an enemy in your territory!

Toga was about to type out another response before another painful contraction in her stomach caused her to drop her phone. This is.. too much.

She could feel the bile rise in her throat, and half dragged half scampered her way to the bathroom. She made it just in time as she threw up in the toilet, trying to use a hand to hold the hair out of her face. Wearing buns like I used to would've come in handy..

"This is your third time throwing up this month, nut job. Next time, I won't hold your hair up for you. I hope you vomit on it."

Toga pouted despite the fact she still felt deathly sick. "Dabi, you're sho mean.."

"No one was there for me when I threw up as a kid, so you should be feeling pretty blessed right now." Dabi shifted so he could grab more of the hair out of Toga's face.

Toga softly smiled, but it quickly left her face as she retched up more.

"Why are you so sick? You better not give this shit to me."

"Quirk.. stuff."

"Don't let it happen again, or else I'll be the one taking on your recruitment days," Dabi retorted annoyedly.

Toga half-heartedly laughed. "You'd just.. kill everyone."

Dabi just laughed with her.

"Yeah.. I would."

Toga wished Touya was here to reprimand her for crying like an idiot right now.

I think he'd be the one throwing up at the thought of me grieving for him. He'd seriously hate it.

"Sorry Touya. I know you loathed when people wasted their emotions on stupid things," Toga mumbled out loud.

Toga felt her body tremble again and braced herself to have a long and painful day, mentally as well as physically.

—

"Ochako, do you like girls?"

"EH?!?!"

Somehow the conversation had changed drastically while Uraraka was lost in thinking about Yua, so drastic Mina would think to even mention something like this.

Do I like girls??? What kind of question is that?!

Mina propped her head on her hands as she went on. "I know you have that big crush on Midoriya but have you ever thought about it? Any questioning moments, hmm??"

"Crush on Deku..?? Haha.. you've got it all wrong." Uraraka's face was red as she tried to continue. "I-I guess I've never really thought of it?"

Tsuyu gave Mina a deathly glare. "You shouldn't ask questions like that," she scolded. "You could make her uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry!" Mina apologized. "I didn't mean to if you are, I'm just curious."

"I don't know if I've ever thought of girls that way," Uraraka mumbled as she blushed.

Momo smacked Mina on the head. "You're gonna make her go into some type of sexuality crisis, Mina!" She turned to Uraraka with a polite smile. "Ochako, just take your time to figure out who you like, don't mind her."

"Ow! Hey, I said I was sorry," Mina pouted, sticking her tongue out. "Seriously!"

Uraraka only listened with half an ear as she thought about it further. No way.. right? I don't think I've ever thought about a girl like that. I've only had a crush on Deku after all, and that was when we were first years.

Tsuyu poked Uraraka in the shoulder. "Ochako, you're starting to float again."

I mean, I don't think I could imagine it. It's not like I've blushed at the thought of a girl before or anything. Yeah! I can't think of a time that's even happened.. before...

Uraraka gave a long look at the phone in her hand.

"She's lost it. Should we get someone to bring her down?"

"Ribbit. I could probably do it with my tongue."

There's not a possibility that I even think of Yua that way, right?

Her face heated more up at the thought.

"I mean it, your voice is really really cute."

Right?!

—

Toga was back to being curled up in her bed. The overall pain substantially went down, but she still felt like a piece of shit.

Throwing up is the worst.. I'm hungry but I can't eat anything because I know it'll just be vomited out again.

She sighed and turned to look towards her ceiling. Multiple holes from knives she'd thrown into it were there. She could even mark out a smiley face she carved.

"You could've told me, you know. I once had to take care of a young Tomura Shigaraki who was as sickly as you were."

"Really? What'd you do to help him out?! I bet he was a real brat as a kid!"

Kurogiri ignored the rude comment as he repeatedly polished a clean glass at the bar. "I'd make him warm soup, of course. It always seemed to settle him down."

"You have to make it some time, Kurogiri!! Don't just leave me hanging! If it's good enough to make even Tomura better, you have to spill the secret!" Toga gushed, leaning her elbows on the table.

"..I may have some ingredients out in the back. I'll see what I can do, Himiko Toga." Toga swore his eyes glistened as he talked.

"Thanks, Kurogiri!!"

Toga didn't like to think about Kurogiri either. It was easier to adjust to, considering he'd been captured soon after the Shie Hassaikai mission, which felt like decades ago. But still, he'd been imprisoned in all that time until Spinner released him.. So she still held hope that maybe he'd return one day, maybe even make her his all-curing soup.

They didn't disclose what happened to him on the news. I think it's safe to assume he's dead. Why else would the heroes keep the imprisonment status of a criminal confidential?

Death surrounded her everywhere. Every past memory is plagued with death.

I don't want to be next.

I'll hold onto this string of hope Uraraka gives me. In the end, I'll either pull through or join the others.

..I wonder if she still likes Izuku. Do I still like Izuku?

She tried to think of anything about him, but it all came up blank. She just kept thinking of Saito.. Saito's hair, his face, the way he bled out when I poked a straw in his neck, all those years ago.

That was who she thought of when she thought of Izuku.

I don't even think of him anymore, she realized, suddenly feeling empty. I don't care for him at all.

Why.. Did I ever like him? He was really cute when he bled and all but.. I feel so dumb. I asked him out and he rejected me. I just wanted a normal relationship.. Can I not even ask for that?

I miss the idea of dating him. I miss obsessing over him, planning our life together. Ranting about how much I loved him. Now I can't muster up anything. I feel so hollow.

I'd do anything to have that back, even if it was fake.

I want someone to love me as much as I love them, too.

Toga grabbed the knife under her pillow and haphazardly stabbed her old-as-time stuffed bear. She used it to vent her emotions out, and that's why it now supported a makeshift button eye and several holes. The repeated motion of stabbing something comforted her in a way, like how a cat would knead a soft surface before laying down.

I hate this. Stab. I can't do anything but mope around my apartment all day. Stab. And I hate Izuku and Uraraka and the heroes. Stab. I want to live a free life. Stab.

Toga looked down at her stuffed bear. Several new holes and blood loss (the stuffing) was the new addition to the plush. She flopped down back on her bed and left the knife in the bear, not caring about it in particular at the moment.

Her plush cat stared at her, as if knowing the violent crimes she had committed against the bear. Toga stared back in turn. "I didn't kill him, he's fine."

It didn't seem convinced, so she tried again. "I always stitch him back, even though I'm not good at it! That was more Atsuhiro's type thing."

...

"Fine, I'll prove it to you. Let me find the thread."

Toga begrudgingly left her bed and searched around in the mess of clutter she left on her floor. Bags, random trinkets she's used maybe once, a hair straightener. While it definitely was somewhere around here, she couldn't say exactly where for sure. It took her a couple minutes until she found a roll of it under her bed.

"See, cat, all you have to do is use this pointy needle and then sow it back together. I forgot who taught me this, it might've been Atsuhiro," Toga explained as she gently picked up the stuffed bear. She removed the knife from his head and continued her ministrations as she talked to the cat. "You just need to push the stuffing back in and then thread it back together. The color doesn't really fit but that's okay."

She worked in silence as she patched up all the holes. It was strangely therapeutic, fixing something she had broken. Especially sewing, so basic yet calming. So away from everything else in her life.

"It's done!" She presented her handiwork to the cat. "So don't worry, if I decide to cut you next time, then I'll fix you up again."

I'm talking to a stuffed cat!

I shouldn't have eaten all those medicine gummies. Kurogiri always warned me anyway. I should've at least ordered soup or something. I can't tell if he'd be mad or disappointed if he saw me right now. Probably.. a mixture of both.

Toga sighed exasperatedly. It's going to be a long day.

♡

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