i cant be the only one , i swear.

many people always tell me its so frustrating when theyre procrastinating and they know they are but they cant help it. and they feel like its the end of the world. its the worst feeling ever.

and i agree.

but at the same time, i think the worst feeling for me is trying so so hard for something, more than youve ever done for anything else, but still failing to accomplish it.

it makes me feel like shit.

it makes me feel like no matter what i do, i cant change anything.

it makes me feel so choked up because it fills me with thoughts in my head, swallowing me whole as the voices whisper to me,

"why did you even try?"

"why did you waste your time?"

i hate failure, and thats true.

i hate rejection, and that true.

but worst of all, i hate it when i fail and it disappoints more than just me.

i hate disappointing other people.

i hate disappointing and making them sad.

it crushes me like a boulder amd leaves me wheezing for an escape to breathe.

and i always say that im okay afterwards when really its just my mind telling me,

"dont believe it. its all in your head."

it hurts.

i feel like i cant breathe at all.

and i dont want people to worry about me, so all the more i choke

and i drown in self loathe

and walk on the thin string of self worth ready to snap.

next time im going to make sure i stick with probability.

i mean, its logic, it cant fail me.

i will never again "try my luck".

or be convinced to do something when the odds are stacked against me.

im just not that lucky.

im not that good and im not someone to look up to.

im not anything.

and im telling you these feelings because,

i cant be the only one, i swear.