[pre-warning: drinks in this chapter & few uninhibited moments on Sadie's end. prepare for second hand embarrassment lol. drink aware kids.]

MINUTES AND MARTINIS
.

Strange took a flight to Nepal on Tuesday night, landed on Wednesday. Trail goes cold after that, no hotel or taxi bookings. Any word will filter back to us, and I'll let you know if it does. I'm sorry I can't do more. Hold tight.

Deflated was an understatement.

Sadie felt so truly punctured. Good for nothing- she couldn't help anybody at all. Aceso was a failure. She couldn't fix anything, couldn't heal anyone who truly needed it.

Why did she think she could fix other people's problems when she had so many of her own? And why did she think she could heal anyone else when she was withering away herself, inside and out?

So, she wouldn't, Sadie decided. She wouldn't get anybody's hopes up again- she'd give people the solution she knew would work from now on.

Medicine, not mimicry.

"If you know that man at all, you know he'll be okay," Adrianne said, chopping vegetables on the board as Sadie fried their pot of mince.

"Alone? In Nepal? Nobody to help him, nowhere to stay? He'll be stranded," she sighed, hopeless.

"If he's truly stuck, he'll go to the Embassy," Adrianne shrugged, tossing peppers into the pot. "The US has Embassies everywhere. They'll send him home in a freakin' chopper."

"If human traffickers don't get him first."

"What is worrying like this going to do for him?" Adrianne said. She was chopping a little carelessly for Sadie's liking, her fingers far too close to the blade, and her attention elsewhere. "You've done all you can, sis. Just pray- shit!"

Blood.

Sadie hadn't seen blood in so long, and it reminded her of so much. Vienna, Lagos, Paris, Florence, Sokovia, DC, New York, Libya, Afghanistan-

She shook herself out of her thoughts, forcing herself to tune back into reality as Adrianne cursed. She pushed pressure on her newfound cuts- bright scarlet matching the bell peppers on the board.

"Can you fix it?" Adrianne asked, casually holding her fingers out to Sadie, blood pooling at her fingertips.

It wasn't thick- not like the blood Sadie was used to. Sadie was used to blood that was dark, and viscous, like treacle or an oil spill. She was used to injuries with jagged edges, flesh and fat and organs. She was used to cuts halfway closed from super healing, or old and scabbed over from hours of a fight.

These cuts were simple- three straight, clinical lines across Adrianne's ring, middle, and index fingers. And the blood was fresh, light, thin. It made Sadie's stomach churn.

She almost retched up her breakfast in the kitchen sink. She didn't.

Sadie looked away as she lifted her hand, letting the light of her mimicry heal the cuts and she only looked back when Adrianne started singing her praises.

"You shouldn't... rely on me for things like that," Sadie said, carefully.

"Like what?" Adrianne asked, casually, cleaning up the work surface.

"Cuts, bruises, broken bones," Sadie said, with a heavy sigh.

"Why not?" her friend pressed, setting down the kitchen towel and giving her full attention now.

"Well, even I can't rely on the mimicry. I spent ages telling myself it was just what people needed but..." Sadie paused. She didn't need to be so melodramatic. "I just think it's inconsistent. I need to go back to my roots."

"Your roots?" Adrianne asked, her eyebrow raised.

"Medicine," Sadie clarified.

"So you're not healing anymore?" her best friend asked, with a frown.

"Just for now," Sadie nodded, hesitantly. "I'll treat people the way that works."

"There is no way that works one hundred percent of the time," Adrianne said, firmly. "You just have to pick the most efficient treatment."

"My abilities aren't always reliable, let alone efficient," Sadie said. "It's not fair to give patients false pretences that I can perform miracles, because I can't. I can't solve nerve damage, or paralysis, or cancer-"

"So this is about your mom?" Adrianne asked, her expression soft.

"No- yes- but not completely," Sadie said, and she hated how confused she sounded. Maybe because she was. "I'm just... taking a step back."

Adrianne stayed quiet for a moment, seemingly thinking of what to say.

"It's clear that you've, um, been thinking about this for a while," she started, and Sadie nodded. "And whatever I say probably won't make a massive difference. But I don't want you to go back to how you used to be."

"How I used to- what does that even mean?" Sadie asked, surprised.

"You know what it means," Adrianne said, firmly. "Hiding away from yourself, suppressing it all."

"Oh... well I appreciate your honesty," Sadie said, choosing not to let herself dwell on it. "I'm gonna go check the mail."

~

Sadie,

The forecast is calling the weather 'good', but it's been nothing but rain the entire time we've been here in Quebec. I usually wouldn't mind, but I was really hoping for some sunshine.

Natasha joked that we should've gone to Mexico, and Sam joked right after that we wouldn't be able to get back over the border with the state of things. It was one of those jokes that was really a dark truth. And we can't even vote on it.

Here's a story for you: I was getting coffee for everyone this morning, and a lady walked past me wearing your perfume. I noticed it straight away, even did a double-take. Pretty pathetic. You would have laughed though- the woman thought I was trying to catcall her, so she flipped me off, and called me a lot of interesting names in French.

Since the weather is ugly here, I've drawn you the sunset from Nashville. It was so beautiful, I had to add some colour in there, which is different for me, but that student I told you about taught me a few tricks.

Sending my love,
Steve.

~

Sadie thought that after months without him, at one point she would wake up and not look for Steve. That theory had been disproven time and time again, over the months of her house arrest.

She didn't understand why she did it, every single time- Sadie woke up and instantly looked for Steve, momentarily forgetting her circumstances. Besides, it wasn't like they had shared a bed every night when they were together, it was maybe only two, three... five nights a week. At most.

The point was they always had nights apart and Sadie had never looked for him then- she'd revelled in the space lto stretch just as much as she enjoyed his company. And even when Steve was with her, or she was with him, he was almost always up earlier than her.

Some mornings he would be gracious, make her coffee and a half hearted attempt at breakfast before he went on his morning run.

Other times, Steve wasn't so gracious with her, dragging his feet and mumbling complaints about his early schedule. Sadie would chastise him for waking her, and they would bicker about it.

"Do you have to make such a noise?"
"I'm not- you're a light sleeper!"
"Exactly why I would appreciate it if you were deadly silent. You can do it on missions!"
"Not every day is a mission, Sadie."
"Feels like it when I'm up at this hour."

And around in circles they would go. But those mornings always ended up the best when the couple could eat together, and run together, and it always left Sadie thinking she should wake up earlier just for those extra moments.

She never did.

Now, Sadie sat and stared at the dark, tired of dreaming.

She should move. Stretch. Get a glass of water. Get that tag off her ankle, go on a four AM run. Get the tag off and follow Steve to Quebec-

No. He wouldn't be there. He'd have moved on already.

Music. There was music in the house? This was it, Sadie thought. She was finally going mad.

She should move. Stretch. Get water. Her satin sheets felt like sandpaper against her umber skin. She should moisturise.

That felt like too much effort, and she didn't want to touch herself. The athletic body she'd gotten used to maintaining during her time as an Avenger was much softer now, much rounder in the middle.

She should do crunches. That was also too much effort. But a drink? That, she could drag herself to get.

The music was definitely real, now. Sadie wasn't losing her mind- she was relieved to see Jamie Valentia sat at the kitchen island, his acoustic guitar in his lap.

"Early start," Sadie commented, dragging her slippered feet over to the mini-fridge that had a damn code to stop the kids getting to it. Fort Knox. "Had to cure horse rabies?"

"Did I wake you?" Jamie asked, glancing at the clock as if just realising the hour. "This is the only room where I won't wake the kids, I didn't think you could hear from the guest room."

"It's fine, I couldn't sleep anyways," she shrugged, sitting on the stool beside him, bringing wine glasses and the bottle, too. "So. Horse rabies?"

"Cat seizure actually," he sighed. "We had to sedate. Then we had to euthanize. She was real young, too."

"Oh," Sadie said, stupidly, pouring their drinks. "That's sad."

"It is," Jamie shrugged. "It's also why we don't have any pets in the house."

"So, is that all?" she asked him, gesturing to the guitar. "I've only seen you play when you're in your feelings."

"I wish that was all. Jacob's been asking about his Uncle Roman."

"He the little one or the cute one?" Sadie joked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Jamie rolled his eyes. "The 'cute' one. Not that it matters, Miss Not-Single."

"That crush died in med school. And Steve knows I love him," Sadie said, before stopping herself. "Well, he- I, um-" Jamie was practically laughing at her, but he held it back for politeness. "Whatever. You said Jake was asking?"

"Yup. He was asking why Roman hasn't been around in so long, and why we haven't been back to California," Jamie sighed, running a hand through his dark hair. "How do I tell him, sorry kid, I haven't seen your uncles in close to a year, and now it just feels like too long since we've spoken to reach out? So, now you're growing up without them."

There was a pause, but Jamie didn't look like he'd finished yet, so Sadie stayed quiet, sipping her water.

"My side is the only extended family the kids have, y'know?" he sighed. "Addie has no plans of finding her birth mom. And I've just... let my brothers go."

"Hey," Sadie said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "If there's anything I've learned in the past six years, it's that it's never too late when we're talking about family. You remember how it was with Sav and I, we never thought it was possible to fix."

"You were kids," Jamie sighed. "We're just grown men being stubborn."

"Then don't be," Sadie said, simply, choosing not to correct that when the fire happened, Savannah was the only child, and the only one to get hurt. "Call Roman tomorrow. Maybe even try your mom-"

"Yikes."

"Yikes, sure," she laughed, tapping on her glass. "But try it. And if it doesn't work, you've always got me. Adrianne's my sister anyway. I adopted you ten years ago already."

"Thanks, it's an honour to be part of the family," Jamie teased.

"I think that should be my statement," Sadie grinned. "Not a lot of people would be happy with this arrangement. I'm grateful for you."

"I knew you and my wife were a package deal when I married her, she made that clear," he chuckled, fondly. "And I couldn't ask for a better godmother for my children."

"Pfft. I do the bare minimum," Sadie said, honestly.

"Not true, you know it," Jamie said firmly. "It's good to know the kids wouldn't have to uproot their lives if... you know."

"You wouldn't want them with Roman? Or your mom?"

"We want them with you. Even if you probably will be back on the road with Steve soon."

"I don't know about that," Sadie said, awkwardly.

"I do," Jamie said, pointedly. "You heard from him this week?"

Sadie nodded, then. "But they call it snail mail for a reason. He was visiting Barnes last he wrote. Then this letter was Canada. I know for a fact he's not in either of those places right now."

"Barnes, huh?" Jamie said, with a raised eyebrow. "What's that guy like?"

"I don't really know him," Sadie replied. "He's important to Steve. Polite, misunderstood. Got a mean left hook."

"Do I want to ask how you know that last detail?"

"All in a day's work," she laughed, but caught the look on Jamie's face- worry written all over. "It's really not a big deal."

"They all look out for you?" he asked. "You've got each other's backs?"

"Of course."

"And... you won't kill me for asking this?" Jamie said, carefully. "I'm sure Steve is a great guy-"

"I'd think you would be sure," she said, pointedly. "He saved your wife and child in 2012."

"I know," Jamie sighed. "And I know he makes you happy, and he treats you right. And Addie likes him-"

"She never likes anyone I see," Sadie chuckled, rolling her eyes.

"Exactly," Jamie smiled, but it didn't last long. "I just... I see you hurting, Sadie. And I want you to make sure he's worth it."

"He is. He's amazing," Sadie sighed. "If you could've just met him before all this. He isn't what people think he is."

"What, he's heaven sent?" Jamie joked, but she didn't find it funny.

"To me, he is," she said, quietly, sipping her wine. It wasn't strong enough. She should've made martinis.

"Here," Jamie said, reaching over and putting the guitar in her lap.

"I don't have a musical bone in my body," Sadie protested, as he fastened the strap over her shoulders.

"Didn't you ask me to teach you?"

"Yeah, like three years ago," she laughed.

"Better late than never," Jamie said. "There's a reason I play when I'm 'in my feelings.' Much better than drinking."

"Can we not do both?" Sadie asked, cheekily. "I know you don't have work after an emergency case. It's not so crazy."

"Fatherhood has taken me to the point where actually, it is," Jamie laughed, rubbing his temples. "Okay, fine. But you better promise to stop me before I'm drunk."

"Only if you promise to not stop me before I'm drunk," Sadie grinned, offering her hand for him to shake, and he did.

"It's a deal."

~

The ringing of his burner phone would kill him, Steve was sure of it. Especially when Sadie's name lit up on the tiny screen, and his heart went into arrest.

"Sadie, what's wrong?" he asked, terrified, so terrified that something had gone wrong. "You need me?"

"Yeah, I need you," Sadie giggled through the phone, and Steve frowned, confused. "You know how long  it's been?"

"I texted yesterday," he sighed, rubbing his brow. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to hear her voice again, it was that they couldn't do this. "Sugar, you can't keep calling."

"I miss you," she said, her voice all sing-song as she laughed. "And a pillow is no replacement. It just doesn't work properly."

"Have you been drinking?" Steve asked her, and she gasped.

"No," Sadie said, appalled. "I was with Jamie! We made a few martinis-"

"That's drinking, Sadie," he countered.

Sadie hummed in response to that. "You should be honoured- most guys don't get the privilege of a drunk call until after the breakup."

"Funny," Steve said. "But we should probably save it for another time-"

"What are you doing right now?" she asked him, her voice suddenly less playful and much more of... something else.

Steve swallowed. "At 2:45 AM? I'm supposed to be flying this jet."

"Are the others with you?" Sadie asked. "Sam, Nat?"

"Yeah, they're at the back of the jet. We're dropping Nat off for the week."

"Are they awake?"

"No, they're asleep," Steve said. "So, I can't pass the phone..."

"You think I wanna talk to them?" Sadie asked, bluntly, and he tried hard not to laugh. "They're nice and all, but I obviously called you for a reason. I didn't dial for the Falcon- is he flying in the jet?"

"Why would he be flying inside the jet, Sadie?" Steve asked, unable to contain his grin. "I told you he's asleep."

"Sam's very serious about his drills," she answered. "So are you flying the jet?"

"I already said so, angel," he answered.

"Are you in the cockpit?"

"No, I'm hanging on the wing," Steve joked. He'd let himself enjoy this, for however long it lasted- she'd called now, even if she wasn't supposed to and there wasn't anything he could change about it.

Well, he could hang up...

"You're so funny, baby," Sadie laughed freely at his joke, confirming that this was worth it. Then her voice changed again as it had earlier. "What are you wearing?"

Steve couldn't help rolling his eyes- a gesture he was sure he'd picked up from Sadie, because he never used to do it much before. "We're really gonna do this?"

"Yeah, I wanna know," she said, suddenly very commanding. "What are you wearing, Steve?"

"I'm still in my suit," Steve said, casually as he could.

"Which one?" Sadie asked, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "The one I like?"

"Yes... the one you like," he answered.

It was a dangerous road he was going down, he knew it, but at least it was a different kind of danger than what he'd been dealing with the past seven months. He switched the jet to autopilot.

"Why haven't you changed?" Sadie asked suddenly, her voice less dangerous and more worried. "You said it's 2:45? You didn't wanna make yourself more comfortable?"

Steve laughed at that- even when she was trying... Whatever it was she was trying- Sadie was more concerned about taking care of him than what her own aims were. It warmed his heart.

"I'm comfortable, don't worry," he assured her. "At least as comfortable as I can be."

"Mm," Sadie hummed. "What would fix that?"

"You would," Steve said.

"How?" Sadie asked, and her voice- "What would you do if I were there?"

"What would you want me to do?"

"Kiss me all over!" she laughed, making him smile again. "And tell me all the things you like about me!"

"I can do that last one for you, if you want," Steve offered, and she laughed again.

"I already know what you like about me," Sadie said. "You like my brain..."

"I do like your brain."

"You like my body..."

"I especially like that," Steve grinned, suddenly feeling a lot less stupid than a few seconds earlier.

"You like my lips when I kiss you," she continued.

"I like them even when you don't," he said, honestly.

"And I like your brain," she said. "And your body. And, oh- I like your hands!"

"My hands?" he laughed, in surprise, staring down at his palm.

"Yeah," Sadie said, and he could practically hear her bite her lip. "You work wonders with them."

"You're in a mood tonight," Steve exhaled, running a hand through his hair as he sat back in his chair.

"Yeah, a good one," she argued. "So now it's your turn. If I were there right now, what would you want me to do?"

"Just be here," he said, sincerely, finally giving in and closing his eyes. "You'd just... I don't know... exist with me."

It was a cheesy thing to say, and Steve was glad nobody was awake to hear him say it besides Sadie. It was cheesy, and it wasn't like him, but somehow he felt both less and more like himself with her than with anyone else.

There was silence on Sadie's end of the line and Steve knew he'd said the wrong thing, made this sad when it didn't have to be.

She'd called to flirt, to distract, to... he didn't know what exactly. Solve whatever problem that pillow couldn't. Either way, he knew he'd ruined it.

"Sorry," Steve said, quickly, but he was fumbling. "I know that's not what you wanted to hear."

"I was thinking phone sex, but you don't seem to be in the mood," she blurted- these were all exactly the sort of things she would never say out loud if she were sober.

So, they both weren't acting themselves, Steve thought. Or worse, perhaps they were, but who they were now was so different to who they were eight months ago, before all of this.

And there was still a minimum of six more months until they could be together again, and by that point... would they have to rediscover each other completely?

"It won't be long now," Sadie said, quietly. "It'll be over before we know it. And after that we'll be fine."

She always knew just what to say, and Steve always wondered how. His silence? It must have been that, because Sadie had nothing else to go off. But still, she knew his exact worry.

"We're already halfway through," she continued. "We're so close."

"Which is exactly why we can't keep doing this," he sighed, although it pained him to say it. "Every call is a bigger risk. And if you're caught you'll never get out."

"I know..."

"It'll be prison, Sadie," Steve continued. "Actual prison. No letters, no calls. We can't let it get to that point."

"You'd come and get me," she whined, the influence of her drinks still clearly obvious.

"I don't like how you're so sure of that," he said, but there was no conviction in his voice, he could hear it. "It's dangerous."

"It's true!"

"Even if it is, you're too strong and too smart for that," Steve answered.

There was an audible sigh down the phone. "I shouldn't have called, I'm sorry. Not even that first call for Strange, because it was really for me, and now it's so much harder for us both... I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said. "I understand."

"Does Nat have a burner?" Sadie asked, and he frowned, confused. "Or Sam?"

"They both do," Steve said. "Why?"

"Send me their numbers," Sadie said. "Then delete mine, and I'll delete yours."

"Sadie-"

"If there's a real emergency, I'll call them. You're all together anyway, right?" Sadie asked, and he knew she was right. "I think this is what we have to do, or we'll jump in a bunny hole."

"Down a rabbit hole," Steve corrected fondly, and she scoffed.

"Same thing," Sadie said, nonchalantly. "And that Wonderland drink where it makes you go huge- oh, like Scott!"

"What?" Steve laughed, confused as to where her train of thought had gone.

"Like Scott Lang goes big," she explained, as if it was obvious enough. "Remember in Leipzig? He was huge, knocking over planes and-"

"And how does that apply here?"

"Uh... I've forgotten," Sadie said, simply. "You know what I haven't forgotten?" then, when he was quiet: "You're supposed to ask me what!"

"Okay," he chuckled. "What haven't you forgotten?"

"How much I love you," Sadie said, casually then, as if she was simply commenting on the weather. As if she hadn't just sent Steve's heart into a frenzy. "What do you say about that?"

"I say you must've had more than a couple martinis," Steve said, dumbstruck. "How many did you have?"

"It's unimportant," she said, before a moment of silence. "Probably about two? Or three- and a glass of wine. And maybe a few shots... I just felt so bad about Stephen, and my mom, and everything, and I just wanted some of it off my shoulders, you know?"

"I know," Steve said, his heart heavy. "I can understand that."

"That's not what I want you to understand,"' she said, quickly. "This is unimpressive, I know. But I'm not saying it because of the drinks, I... I probably look like a dumbass."

"You don't."

"I love you, Steve," Sadie said again, her voice soft. "You won't say it back?"

He wanted to. God, he wanted to. But all the drink in her system, and the circumstances, and the graininess of her voice on the phone, the turbulence of the jet and the lashing rain... this wasn't how he'd wanted this.

Still. The cards were dealt.

"Of course I'll say it back," Steve said, eventually. "I love you, you know I do. I just wanted to say it to your face."

"Mm, you're just mad I beat you to it," she laughed, and he was beyond relieved she wasn't upset with him.

"Sure, but will you remember that you did?" he teased, if only to hear her laugh again.

"Okay, send me those numbers," Sadie said. "And remind me what the plan was in the text because I've forgotten already."

"The plan," Steve repeated. "The plan I don't like at all."

"Right," she sighed. "But it's a good one, isn't it? Efficient?"

"Yeah," he agreed, heart heavy. "I love you, Sadie."

"I love you too," Sadie said, and he could hardly believe he was hearing it. There was a long silence between them. "I'll hang up."

"Okay," Steve said, waiting for the click of the line. Another moment passed, and it didn't come.

"Okay, bye," Sadie said, quickly, and the line finally went dead.

. . .

. .

.

they took their time, huh? this chapter is pretty abrupt, pretty long and pretty choppy, but I hope you'll forgive it because I just really want to get through this house arrest ASAP lmao

let me know what you think!
-Amber.