Levi has invaded this account. Admin was writing some shitty one-shot and here it is. By -levii

Hanji sat at her office, her eyes gazing into nothing in particular. If gazing on air is possible, you could say she would be gazing at the air.

She was already Commander of the Survey Corps and she just sat there, motionless with a blank mind.

Well, she is thinking of something but that something isn't something she wanted to think about.

She could hear the screams. She could smell the putrid stench of blood. She could see her fallen comrades faces lying on the battlefield. Covered in blood, disfigured, dismembered.

She's disgusted to live. She does not deserve it. She knew Erwin could do things better than she is. Deep inside, she knows she's just a person crazed about Titan science and nothing more.

Her comrades...

She could remember all their names, faces, voices, postures so clearly but every time she thinks about them, she crumbles, she falters.

She could hear flesh ripping apart. She could hear the clanging of the metal weapons to the cobblestone streets. She could see the oozing blood. She could feel goosebumps rush to her arms as she watched in terrifying horror.

She regrets the things she did. She took some people in her squad for granted like Moblit.

Yeah, like Moblit.

She could hear his worried voice every time she does something stupid. She could smell his usual perfume. She's not Mike but she has an uncanny thing which is to distinguish people's scents from each other. She could hear the soft scratches his pencil makes when he sketches for himself or upon Hanji's orders. She could hear his complaints, his voice would echo around the corridors of the barracks.

He had something ahead of him but not anymore. Moblit is dead. Lots of people were dead. There are little people left and Hanji could say that the Survey Corps are barely in shape. Their morale is low so they had to recruit more soldiers but every time Hanji sees a cadet determinedly places their tight fist on their chest, Hanji's heart is grabbed by an unknown force that makes her want to hurl and vomit.

It wasn't aiding mankind, it's another call of someone who wants to die. It's not something noble! It's not something to be proud of and yet, people chanted their names as they parade around the streets. Children would offer them flowers that they picked by the peaceful  meadows.

It was a great feeling to be praised but for Hanji, it was as if people were praising her for the deaths of her comrades.

She wanted to be hopeful and listen to the people but Hanji also knew that the attention the people gave them was ephemeral, just like human lives.

Shit...

Hanji's tears rolled down from her cheeks. She took of her glasses and buried her face in her hands.

There's no way we can make it! We'll all die! No, no, no, no, no.

Hanji started to have a breakdown. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed and bent down.

She felt horrible.

I'm a murderer. Yes, I did not kill them but I did not help them hence, I am Death's accomplice. I am no different from those filthy pigs that devastated humanity. I am one of them.

I took Moblit for granted and did not pay him enough mind...and now, I'm Commander and I believe that I am putting more lives in risk. I shouldn't have lived. I should not have existed.

Hanji wiped her eyes vigorously with the sleeves of her pale yellow dress shirt. She sniffed and sniffed, her nose feeling thick with mucus.

Thing is, no matter how she tries to suppress her crying, it still comes back. She stifled her sadness only to erupt in sobs and whining.

Commander Hanji Zoë and here she is, crying, mourning like there's no tomorrow. She's not ashamed of crying, she's ashamed of being alive.

Why would a wretched person who failed to save her comrades want to live when she's living in shame and regret?

She's too filled with remorse and every time she pacifies it, tears would swell up her eyes and fall for hours that seemed endless.

She can't take it. It's too much.

She just wants to disappear, to vanish because she's...

A murderer.

A pathetic person.

A failure.

A shame.

A disgust.

A failure.

A failure.

Failure.

"I'm a failure!" Hanji exclaimed between sobs.

She can't do any better and she's aware of that and that simple fact is killing her, eating her ego and her soul.

She once thought everything will be okay but now, not anymore.

She is tired and she wants to sleep but her sadness is blocking that opportunity to rest and her guilt of the deaths of her comrades holds her back from joining with them.

She feels beat, she's too tired. She can't feel her soul anymore. She wants to close her eyes but every time she does, she sees the grotesque remains of humans that were torn apart. Opening her eyes too would let her live in her living nightmare.

She does not like any of it.

She's sick of it. She wants to rest. She wants break.

It hurts to think that people used to exist. It's also sinister to think about when you only saw them hours ago and then they died so suddenly. It's spine-chilling yet sad when you mistook someone for someone who was dead.

The world is funny and Hanji's tired of the world shit.

She was even having a hard time dealing with issues inside the walls so she guesses that when they strode outside, it'll be twice as horrifying as what she is experiencing now.

She's planning to forfeit her position. Her mental state would not contribute well to the plans for ahead. Her scatter-brain self would just mess with decisions. She should just give up...

But should she give up when she's already devoted her heart for the cause?

Hanji cannot stand it anymore. Everyday feels like being in between Scylla and Charybdis. Everything she does most of the time makes her feel terrible. Overthinking overtook her and she's drowning in her miseries as of the moment.

She's done.

So done.

May she find her ideal place and time to rest.