KIRISHIMA, OKAY

it's hard for you to fall in love. very hard. it takes time, and so much in-betweens, that it almost feels like you have lost the ability to love. it scares you sometimes; how you enjoy it when those cute boys and girl chase after you like lost puppies, how they cling to your arms as if you are their world, how the skies seem to collapse when you are not with them—are you cruel for wanting to be loved? are you cruel for begging for love when you cannot give it to anyone but yourself? if so, then you apologize. you apologize for all the hearts you have broken.

you have no clue what love is, but you know what it looks like.

you have never seen it in the mirror, but you see it in the eyes of the arms that wrap themselves around you. and it makes you wonder how love must look like when you aren't the one receiving it. what does it feel to love someone?—to willingly give everything you have until you have nothing left for yourself.

and as if the gods decided to humor you, you find yourself falling faster than you expect. your first love happens at fifteen, and you cannot help but be excited. this is the love that you have been longing for; love has red hair, and red eyes, has a boisterous personality, and a smile that can go on for decades. his smile. that must be why you had fallen so hard for him. 

love does not look like what you expect. you expect him to perhaps, be like todoroki shouto who is beautiful, and elegant in a way no boy your age can be, or perhaps like tenya iida whose rules are straight, able to discipline himself in any situation. you do not expect love to be kirishima eijirou. kirishima eijirou who is all loud colors, and he—he feels like something you have never felt before, as if he is the key to a new world you have never even dreamed of.

because being in love means being introduced to something new.

this feels divine, you think, i have never felt so happy before.

before you notice it, your eyes follow his movements—you spot him in a crowd of people, you notice the masculine scent of persona, the smallest of furrows, and scowls from him, and during those times, you want to shout at him, to reach out to him, and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

and he smiles at you. "thank you, [name]," he says.

"i—i'm always here for you," you stammer out, "just hit me up if you need anything, or—or, just please, be okay, eijirou. please take care of yourself, okay?"

he laughs and it sounds like bells, why does his laugh sound like bells? "i'll be fine, [name]! but yeah, i'll tell you if something's up," he says, and his eyes are so honest that you cannot help but believe everything that comes out from his mouth, "i'll do that, so you too, okay? if you need anything, or if you need someone to talk to, just tell me!"

and you do.

you are so in love.

so, so, so in love.

and months, and months, and months—he has seen your worst, your best, and the small things he does make your stomach contort into directions you have never even thought of going to, because love, love, love is always introducing you to new things, and you have never felt so happy before. because love is so kind. he is so warm. he holds your hand in the dark hallways of yuuei, as you playfully push one another for your so-called ghost hunt. he offers you his jacket in the movies, and from the corner of your eye, you see him shaking. he remembers your soft whispers, and lets you lean against his shoulder.

and you think it is alright this way. you two are best friends so—

"[name]! i swear, he likes you back! look at the way he—" and you suppose this is the beginning of the end.

because love makes you think that there will be no other loves in the future. that this love will last forever, that you will never love someone more than you will love this love. you feel, no, you know deep in your bones, that it will always be kirishima eijirou, and it makes you cry. you feel like your heart is being held by hands that do not know how to hold something fragile, so they tighten around it, making sure they wouldn't let it go, but please, your heart is very fragile, but do not hold it so tight, be soft, be kind, be gentle—and he is everything that you want.

can you love somebody as much as you love this boy? you do not think so.

because, right now, you—

"i really like you," you tell him, "i think, i like your kindness the most. and your smile. i don't know, eijirou, i—i really like you."

really, you should have known better.

somehow, this conversation ends with you smiling, and him looking at you with fear, the corner of his eyes threatening to burst into tears. somehow, you end up wrapping your arms around him, comforting him, and whispering to him some sweet nothings.

"it's okay, eijirou," you tell him, and you feel like lying to him, so you do, "you don't have to like me back. i'm not in love with you, anyway. i just really like you, so it's okay. you don't have to like me back. we're still best friends. i won't leave you. i'll never leave you, so please, don't cry."

(you do not cry when you get home. you look down your phone, and see a series of messages from love. you do not cry. it's okay. it hurts more to leave love than to be rejected. so, for now, you will love him like you have never loved before, like you will never love anymore. this love will fade soon, you know that. so for now, you will not cry. you will smile for him. because this story is not only about you, it is also about him, and sometimes, one has to sacrifice for the other.

so for now, you do not cry. you still have to reassure him, after all, that everything is okay.)

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( to everyone who fell in love with kindness,
and pretty smiles, and close friends. when
loving these people, you can't just think of
yourself, and be selfish, can you?  )

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if u squint, u can see heavy kirishima
personality there. if u rlly squint. i swear
i didnt write this just bc i was recently
heartbroken n sad,, u can see kirishima
there i swear ksksks