.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

SWEET MELANCHOLY

CHAPTER THREE

iii. a long-awaited reunion

--------------------------------------------------------------

APRIL FELT AS IF SHE WERE ABOUT TO DIE. Her hands trembled as she gripped her rented car's steering wheel. The entire car ride she had repeated the conversation with Nolan, got bombarded by memories, and pulled over multiple times to breathe in and out and finally, she hit the welcome sign. Her breath hitches at the sight. In blue lettering, she reads: ' DERRY WELCOMES YOU '. She wanted to turn back.

This did not feel very welcoming. Her eyes trained on the road as she drove through the highway leading to her hometown. She was ten minutes out now. She wanted to forget everything. Forget it all. She wanted to go back to yearning for answers rather than having them. She wanted to rewind to the beginning of yesterday when she was clearing through her bins and give it all up. April wanted nothing more than for that phone call to have never happened, for her memories to disappear. She wanted to go back to when she hadn't hurt Nolan.

It was frightening, how calm he was. She replayed it over in her head. He chose to sleep on the couch last night, telling her that maybe she was caught up in remembering everything, that he'd be patient with her and surely, she couldn't be in love with whoever she was confiding in him about because it had been twenty-seven years since she had last seen him. He told her she must be confused, that she remembers things she never thought she'd remember and that must be why these emotions feel so big. If it were any other circumstance, April would have believed him. She would have trusted his word because he was right. Twenty-seven years since the last she had spoken to Bill and yet, she could still feel how she was caught in the teenage way she adored him. She remembered that now too: How she would have followed him anywhere.

April spent the night sobbing in her bed, in fear of the monster, guilt for Nolan's pain, and sadness for forgetting. She was sobbing for it all. She told herself that maybe this whole thing wouldn't even matter. Maybe, she would never have to talk about these forgotten emotions again because maybe, she would just die out here and never have to acknowledge any of it, never have to explain anything, and never have to do the hurting herself. She almost wished that would happen. In a particularly dark moment, she thought: 'Maybe IT could just finish the job this time'. God knows IT had almost done it with the first.

Yet, here she was, pulling into the town, her eyes trained on the familiar streetlights, the run-down brick buildings, and a new addition: Fresh pavement. April suddenly remembered the first time she rode Richie's bike, in this very area - - a sidestreet leading to Main. It was on cracked pavement and she had fallen off from poor reaction time, unable to move the handlebars fast enough to avoid a huge pothole. She hit the ground, scraping her knees and Richie could only laugh, picking her up and helping her brush off her dress.

That was another thing, she could do hardly any thinking. Every moment she attempted to reconcile the conversation with Nolan, to remind herself that even if she didn't 'love' Bill, she still couldn't be married after this -- that she never should have been married in the first place, she was remembering. She remembered jumping off the Quarry, being huddled in the corner of a library; reading a fairytale collection while Holly sat next to her reading a textbook. She was remembering bits of herself she thought had never existed. She was remembering the April Ambrose her father called for on his deathbed. She was remembering the Sunshine Ambrose he begged for.

April was running late. She had estimated a two-hour drive from the Portland airport. But, she never accounted for the stops she'd take. Pulling onto the side of the road, parking the car as a memory flashes over her mind and a sharp pain overtakes her. She'd sit for a moment, rubbing her temple as she listened to the faint whoosh of cars driving past her on the highway, of the music she played on the speaker drowned out. She didn't realize how long she was pausing. The car ride took her nearly three hours.

She glances at the clock. It was 6:45. Mike told her to meet at a restaurant for 6:30, a new one, she realized when she received the message from him. Jade of the Orient. She didn't have much time before then, choosing not to drop off her things at the townhouse. It was funny. Derry only had one bed and breakfast. They all must be staying at the same place.

The streets were mostly empty and she wondered if a curfew was set in place, getting a brief memory of a curfew at 7:00 PM, of being rushed home on the back of Bill's bike at 6:40. She pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant, parking in a spot close to the front doors. It wasn't too busy. She wasn't surprised, though. Derry folk never left their houses late, she remembered that too.

She breathes in slowly. Ten breaths to slow down. Breathe. She steps out of the car, grabbing her purse and making sure she has everything she needs. She didn't need anything, she was stalling -- scared of what else she would remember, what else would be shown. Scared to see her friends, and more than anything, scared to see him. Her stomach is in knots, realizing she hasn't messaged Nolan to inform him that she landed in Portland. Or, let alone arrived in Derry. She fumbles for her phone in her bag and types out a short message: 'Just got into town, bad cell service on the road.'

She felt guilty for forgetting to message him, knowing he was probably worried about whether she had landed safely but also noted that her phone lacked messages or calls from him too. She felt guilty about a lot of things. They didn't know what to say to each other. Of course, they didn't. There was no way to navigate this. They had been married nearly three years now -- together, six. Though April was unable to open up completely, there was never any point in their relationship where they were at a loss for words towards each other. It was new, it was scary. Nolan loved her and April cared, it would always come back to that. She cared about their relationship because he stood by her through her depression, Nolan loved her. She cared enough to love him the best she could. Even if that meant, not loving him completely. Not loving him as a husband, if that meant loving him as a friend. If that meant, loving him as someone she would always care for, loving him as someone that would haunt her to hurt.

April had not been unfaithful throughout their entire history and still, she felt as if she had committed a great crime. She tried to tell herself that her honesty was enough, coming clean the moment she remembered it all should absolve her of her guilt. Her guilt, which seemed displaced, she couldn't have ever known. But, seeing the look on Nolan's face, his attempt at rationalizing her confession, she knew she had committed a crime. She may have never meant to but she did. She was suspended in the past, caught in, until now, a perpetual childhood -- busy chasing after memories she never knew existed. Held captive to her mind and a monster and despite her inability to love fully, it caught Nolan in the crossfire and she will never be absolved of this guilt. Sweet Nolan, who spent the initial stages of their relationship versing himself in how to support a loved one who struggles with depression. Nolan, who chose to see the best in her despite her confession. Nolan, who drove her to the airport and told her that he hopes her friend is okay

She hums and slings her purse over her shoulder, flattening out her long cotton skirt, and smoothing the wrinkles which appeared during the car ride. She fusses with her appearance, pulling a compact mirror out of her purse and looking into it, fixing her hair, brushing through the curls before tossing the mirror back in and finally, looking up at the restaurant's sign and beginning to walk to the door.

Her hand on the metal bar of the door is cold and her eyes have to adjust to the bright, yellow lights in the restaurant after being out in the night sky for so long. She looked around the lobby, it was bustling. Surprisingly lively, a lot of people dining from what she could see. April walks towards the hostess stand, a woman standing by a computer.

"Hi," April smiles at her. "I'm here for a reservation. It's under Hanlon. I'm late," She goes on, the woman looking at her and returning the smile.

"Oh, yes! I think everyone has arrived. Just this way," The woman leads her down a hall towards an area of ​​the restaurant blocked off with red privacy panels. "Watch your step," She says as she stops in front of an arch, her hand gesturing her into a room.

April nods, looking to the woman and thanking her before turning towards the entrance, the host taking her leave. Her eyes gloss over at the sight. They were all there. She stood in the entrance for a moment, unable to pull her eyes from them and convince herself to move. Her heart begins to race, eyes flitting from person to person. Her mind slowly begins to put everything together, recognizing Beverly's bright hair and Eddie's voice. She sees Richie, grown into his looks and glasses finally fitting his face, Mike engulfed in a hug with Ben and there, she sees him. Bill.

They don't see her at first, too busy in their interactions themselves, standing and hugging, cackling as they ask one another how they are and April felt as if they should have always been this way. She's feeling it. She's remembering it. Life would have felt just a bit sweeter if she always had them by her side. It was a joyous moment, their reunion. April felt no fear, she felt comfort.

"Holy shit! Ambie!" April is pulled from her trance as a body crashes into hers, arms wrapping around her, rocking back and forth. It's a tight grip and she doesn't have to think about hugging the person back, a small laugh leaving her mouth. There's a rattle, a commotion as they all turn to the two bodies engulfing each other. "You came in so quiet none of us realized you were creeping on us!" The voice goes on, hugging her still but looking down at her curly hair and squeezing her body tighter.

April realizes who it is almost immediately. "Hey, Rich," She laughs against his jacket, hugging him tightly. "How about you let me go so I can give everyone else hugs too?" She teases, giggling but still, not letting go -- too comfortable in the embrace to pull away.

"Yeah, yeah. You don't care about your big brother, what's new?" He teases back, calling back to how he'd call her his baby sister every chance he would get when she had woken up.

After she had gotten a bit better, happier, or happy as she could be under the circumstances. He'd call her his baby sister, despite being younger than her by two months, despite not being related cause she was his baby sister. After it all, after Bill left, after the clown disappeared, he fell into caring for her. Richie snuck to her house with Stanley at night to ensure she wouldn't wake up screaming from nightmares, holding her left hand while Mike held her right as she relearned how to walk without fear of falling, ensuring they had the same classes throughout their high school years together just in case if she was ever subject to teasing he'd be there too, and even though, he could never do much, he'd always find a way to get her far away from it.

He pulls away and takes a look at her -- nodding his head as if he were judging her based on appearance. "You're looking good, you know that? Last time I saw you, you wobbled when you walked," He adds nonchalantly, exhaling as a soft laugh before April rolls her eyes, smacking his arm. They fell back into their dynamic with ease. "Oh! You definitely wouldn't have been able to smack me that fast before!" He adds on, grabbing at his arm and feigning pain in his face.

"Okay, Trashmouth, give it a rest," Another voice. Mike. "We all want a minute of April-loving, I'm sure," He goes on, looking at April with a cheeky smile as he walks over, leaving the corner he stood in with Ben. "Hey," He smiles at her as April throws her arms around him.

"Mikey," She beamed, forgetting the reason for this reunion. She was basking in the warmth of the room, the comfort that filled her at the sight of all their faces.

"How you doing?" Mike asks, hugging her back tightly before pulling away and taking in the sight of all of them together once again. They just needed Stanley and they'd be complete.

April was recognizing them, staring into them all with a child-like expression on her face and it was like they were being reflected to her as their own child-like faces. "I'm doing okay, Mikey. Better. I'm better than before," She answers, eyes wandering around the group that had formed around the two of them. All of them. Except Bill.

" You guys," She says, realizing the absence but too caught up in emotion to say anything else. It was too much for her, feeling her heart grow and her stomach do flips at the sight of all her friends who she had forgotten. "This is going to make me cry," She continues, a soft whine in her voice, it breaking as she wipes tears from her eyes and she can't help the way her gaze wanders towards him.

He's standing by an aquarium, back turned to it and eyes trained on her. He's frozen, unable to walk over to the group which had formed around her, where he watched them all take turns speaking to her, hugging her and ruffling their hands through her hair affectionately.

April can feel her heart racing now. They're making eye contact and she sees his lip quiver, eyes glossing over at the sight of her. She swears she could feel her heart twisting at his stare and she's getting flashes between him now and him then. She's staring at his quivering mouth and is seeing him at fourteen, in her bed and crying to her — clutching into her waist and sobbing about a brother lost too soon.

"A-April? " He stutters out, voice small and she's hurled back into that summer. April. It was almost inaudible. He never called her that. He always called her... He called her... Sunshine.

They room goes silent, realization hitting the group as they turn to Bill who still stands frozen, eyes trained on the girl he was forced away from during her long sleep. He never knew what happened to her. He never found out. She wasn't mentioned while they all trickled into the restaurant. Bill had no idea she was coming. He had no idea she was alive.

April is suddenly fourteen again, feeling the wind in her hair as he pedals carefully down familiar streets. She's fourteen again and staring into his eyes, watching as he begins to stumble over to her, his steps clunky, determined to make it over to her as fast as he could — scared. He's scared she'll disappear. That she wasn't real. "There's no way..." He whispers, just loud enough for her to hear it now because he's right in front of her, the group dispersing, moving the sides and attempting to go on with their own conversations to not disturb them.

April's staring up at him, eyes wide. She had tried to prepare herself for this moment, had tried to be ready for when she'd see him. She had even told herself that he might not have even cared to see her. That he was normal enough to have moved on from that twenty-seven-year-ago fling they had that summer. That fling that had them wrapped in each other's arms each night before parting. That fling which left them yearning for each other from each day going forward and every day that has passed. She tried to convince herself she was crazy. That he must have moved on. That she always held on too tight to things. That Bill was normal enough to get over it.

But, his hand was shaky, so shaky as it reached up and cupped her cheek softly. He was wondering if she was truly real and if he was just dreaming her up. A hallucination, maybe. That would make more sense. This couldn't be real. He had tried to make peace with it. He drove up to Derry, remembering her hands and her cheeks which he had watched blush for him all that summer. He drove up and when he wasn't getting flashes of fear, memories of pain and suffering, feelings of absolute despair at the thought of the monster which tormented the town and took his baby brother, he was remembering feelings he never knew existed, remembering a girl he forgot he loved.

He remembered sunshine. He remembered being basked in it. As if he were pulled from black waters and wrapped in a blanket of warmth, tucked safely into a locket she wore around her neck. He saw that summer and he saw the sun. He felt the way it hit his skin, feeling the heat enrapture him. He felt the sun which kept him safe, he felt the comfort the warmth brought him. Not the sun. He saw her. He felt her warmth, he felt her love. Bill saw April. He remembered her. He remembered Sunshine.

In December of 1989, Bill Denbrough had moved away from Derry and up until the day he moved, he spent every waking minute next to her. If he wasn't at school, he was finding a way to the hospital, setting up camp next to her bed and running his hands through her hair, fixing the mess of curls that encircled her, kissing her forehead softly or reading aloud in hopes she'd hear. He'd do his homework on the hospital chair, a textbook against his lap as he hunched over and wrote. His ninth-grade grades suffered from this and he didn't care. He welcomed the back pains from sleeping in that wooden chair, he grew accustomed to the eye bags which developed under his eyes, and he refused to acknowledge the weight loss which came from hardly eating too.

He refused to leave her side all that time and the side effects from it, he allowed to occur with meaning. It was his punishment. Punishment for allowing this to happen. Punishment for him trying to change time. He wasn't there so Georgie died, he was there and April nearly did. Bill began to believe that he was cursed, that maybe, he'd be better off dead too.

He couldn't believe it, feeling the warmth of her skin on his hand for the first time in years. It was soft and he quickly wiped a tear that trickled down her cheek, running his thumb across it and ghosting it over her lips for a moment as he stared at her with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. "You're alive?" He practically whimpers out. It was a choked sound, mangled. He had made peace with it.

Bill spent the entire ride up attempting to reconcile this loss. He thought she was dead. He came into the restaurant, set on never uttering her name to the Losers. Too guilty to acknowledge it. He was set on never looking for the truth. If he found out she had never woken up through the others, so be it. Bill felt he deserved every bit of suffering he'd face at the knowledge of her assumed death. He had never prepared for the possibility of her alive and coming back home.

He felt it the minute Mike had called him. The minute he heard Mike say to come home. He felt the way his heart shattered, remembering her closed eyes in a hospital bed. He felt the way his heart squeezed in his chest as he remembered the way she'd hold onto his waist as he dipped down streets. Bill cried then. He got home and sobbed. He started to remember, more, and more, and more. He thought back to his debut novel, thought back to the huge pivot he made after it. He began to write thrillers, horrors, novels which psychologically numbed your mind and ended terribly.

Bill thought back to every novel he had ever written, he thought back to the criticism he'd received on each ending. Terrible. Unsatisfying. Bad. He realized now, that bad endings were all he knew. Georgie died and he tried to solve the mystery by following the monster which had done it into IT's own home. He had got April hurt and forgot his friends. He grew up and hardly spoke to his parents. He tried to solve Georgie's murder and the story ended with April in a coma for months with broken bones and purple-blue ribs. He tried to solve his baby brother's death and the story ended with him roping his friends into signing a death contract with a monster. Bill remembered what he started his career with. He looked back and remembered the dedication, he ripped through his office and read it with glassy eyes.

♧

AND, SO IT RAINS
dedicated to
the girl with sunshine in her eyes,
wherever and whoever you are. i miss you.

♧

He realized after years that he remembered her in the smallest ways he could. Bill saw her in the summertime heat, the way the sun felt on his skin, he saw her in braided hair and jewelry, he remembered being taught how to fishtail threads and to sear the ends of it with a flame to make it never unravel. He held parts of her throughout his life, even if he couldn't remember until now. It stood the test of time, it'll stay set in stone. Bill Denbrough loved April Ambrose then and until his dying breath, he'll continue to love April Ambrose. He'll love her forever, evermore.

April leans into his touch, a firm palm against her cheek. "I am," She nods. "Of course, I am, Billy," She looks at him through lidded eyes, feeling overcome with emotion. Tears are spilling from her eyes, painting rivers on her cheeks and she can't help it. She's looking into his eyes which stare down at her as if she was the most precious thing to have ever existed and she feels a lump form in her throat, a sob threatening to escape. She sucks it down. "You think... You think I'd ever leave you?" She teases, voice breaking despite her attempt at levity.

He laughs, almost bitterly, bitter at the time that has passed but still, he smiles at the response. "You're real, right? God, please. You're real?" He breathes out, lip trembling. He wasn't sure what to believe. He saw the Losers hug her, he couldn't be dreaming this up.

April laughs and Bill swears, he sees something in her eye. A gleam. A sparkle as she smiles, a tear falling again. "I wouldn't be here otherwise, Billy," She responds, a cheeky response. A joke. She was never much of a joker but seeing him desperate, in shock and uncertainty of her arrival, she felt the need to make him smile, to make him laugh.

It comes out as a whisper that he holds onto, tucking it into the back of his mind that will return in his darkest moments, the moments where he needs something to bring him back to Earth and he can't help it, he falls into her, arms wrapping around her waist in a tight grip. She breathes out, a breath that was caught in her throat and it feels like she is breathing out years' worth of emptiness as she crashes into his chest, her arms immediately gripping onto him and it feels like she could stay there forever and Bill swears, he felt the warmth of the sun engulf him -- a heat he hasn't felt in a long time. A comfort he hasn't welcomed in years.

authors note:
everyone tell me i'm awesome cause after years of stereo silence @/-mermaidsmotel has published TWO chapters of sweet melancholy in an orderly fashion...

k also if u want this to continue, you better get voting and commenting cause if there's anything i thrive on it's commentary and attention 🙄

k bye for real, time for me to rest after a long day of being freaaaaaking awesome :p