𝗜𝗡𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗠, 𝗠𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦, 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗟 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘

[ trigger warning: panick attacks ]

ᯓᡣ𐭩

𝗜𝗡𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗠

𝗳𝗶𝗲𝗹𝗱𝗼𝗳𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗲𝘀  how i'm feeling after dealing with three whole hours with him.

𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗹𝘀𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 | rosa come on now...he just left.
⤷ 𝘃𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗱𝗮𝘆 | yeah as in the car hasn't even left the driveway
⤷ so what?!!! he fucking deserves it

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗹𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 | LMAOO ROSA GET HIS ASS
⤷ 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗲𝗯𝗶𝗿𝗱𝘀 | FRR HE DESERVES THAT SHIT
⤷ THANK YOUUU!!! yes he fucking does!!!!

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝗰𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀_ | are you forgetting this account is public, he can see this if he wanted to...
⤷ let him. i'd say it to his face

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝗷𝘂𝗷𝘂𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘁 | LMAOO ROSALINA HAVE SOME SHAME WE JUST LEFT
⤷ no thank you!

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗵𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗯𝗼𝘆 | who is she on about?
⤷ 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗶𝗲𝗯𝗶𝗿𝗱𝘀 | kai i want you to be so fr rn

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗮𝘀𝘁 | wtf is this?
⤷ why are you even on my page? fuck off
⤷ 𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗺𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘆 | by the way i think this is about you jobe
⤷ 𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗮𝘀𝘁 | no shit cassie i couldn't even tell (!)
⤷ don't be mean to nisa!!!

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 | HELP SHES SO UNHINGED
⤷ 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 | real asf tho

⬐𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

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ᯓᡣ𐭩

𝗠𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮 - 𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
𝗷𝗼𝗯𝗲 - 𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
rosalina
what the fuck was that

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
what was what

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
your insta post?
i barely left your house
and you're letting the whole world
know you hate me

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
whole world?
LMAOOO 😭😭
jobe please be serious
this is my FINSTA page
and i don't think the whole world
cares about me hating you 🤣

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
you know what i meant
don't be annoying

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
i can't vent out my feelings?
do i have to run everything by you?
are you my fucking dad?!!

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
that's not what i'm trying to say
i'm saying that i can literally see that shit

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
ok....?
and your point is?

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
it's fucking hurtful
like have some tact

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
tact?
you of ALL people wanna talk about tact?

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
and what's that supposed to mean?

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
"rosa you're so insecure it's embarassing"
"rosa you've got trust issues and you're projecting"
THAT jobe is telling ME to have tact?
yeah you've lost your whole mind 🤣

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
omfg you love to bring old shit up
let it go

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
let it go?
LET IT GO?!
are you being fr rn
i post something on my FINSTA
you have a hissy fit
you've been nothing but a dickhead to me all day
and now you're telling me
i can't be upset about something YOU said
that you didn't even apologise for?
what is wrong with you?

𝗱𝗶𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗱
IM the one who has to apologise?
ME?!!
yeah ok rosa
whatever

𝗿𝗼𝘀𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮
prick
read

ᯓᡣ𐭩

𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐀

june 2024

location: the gonzalez's home, birmingham

what. a. twat.

how i was friends with him for so long is beyond me. in fact how i managed those three hours in the same vicinity as him is actually beyond me. who does he think he is? he can't treat me like shit, get surprised when i'm angry at him and then police my reaction. and everyone was wondering why i'm so mean to him, THIS IS WHY!!!! he's such a self absorbed, self righteous asshole that he doesn't even see how he could even possibly be in the wrong. both in this scenario and every. other. argument we've had. i really do hate him.

"oi!" valentina shouts as she walks into my room...without knocking...again.

"you do know knocking exists right? and i think the proper greetings are: 'hello, how are you today dear sister?' " i retort sarcastically, rolling my eyes as she does.

"whatever...did you seriously have to post that just as they left?" she asks, letting herself in, without me inviting her mind you, and sitting down on my bed.

"...yes?" i reply, with val throwing her head back and groaning in annoyance.

"don't sass me!" she exclaims, swatting my shoulder, which surprisingly hurt. "rosa, i get you and jobe have your issues, but you could at least have the decency till they fully left to post that. it just comes across rude." she states, taking a deep breath to indicate she'll continue. great (!) here comes the lecture. "why won't you tell me what happened? cause i don't want to be telling you to be nice to him if he's done something outrageous."

there val goes, unknowingly making me feel even guiltier than i ever did over mine and jobe's argument. it hurts that i can't even tell my own sisters about it...but if i did who's to say that it wont lead to them hating jobe. no matter how much i hate him, i would never want to ruin that relationship between them. i know val and bella see him as a little brother and i really don't want to ruin that for them. plus it'll make it awkward for them when they're around jude and arinola....their best friends!!! so i'd rather not say anything so i don't ruin any more friendships. especially when it seems i have a knack for it.

"it's nothing like that." i lie. "it's just we fell out. that's all."

"i don't believe you." val states, searching for something in my eyes that'll tell her what's really going on. "i've seen youse fall out before and it's never this bad. and i know you're one to hold grudges but jobe isn't, so what happened?" she pushes.

"nothing! it's not that deep val! just drop it!" i exclaimed, praying she lays off me and gets off my case. i play with my fingers to avoid that anxious feeling i get when i lie, but weirdly enough they feel numb. almost like i can't feel them.

"nothing?! really?? you expect me to believe that?" she asks, looking at me as if i've grown three heads. "bullshit. i don't want to push you," ironic cause that's exactly what you're doing, but go off i guess, "but i'm worried about you. you've been down since you've fallen out with jobe and you haven't told me, bella or mum anything. you're usually so open with us." and just like that i can feel my heart break. i hate that i'm hiding this from them and i can't believe i'm saying this, but i actually regret making that stupid post. if i didn't make it then i wouldn't feel as cornered as i do now. then maybe i wouldn't be contemplating if i should tell valentina what actually happened. then maybe i wouldn't feel so guilty.

"i know but it's just...we're so close to his family. i don't want to make anything weird. well weirder than it is now." i mumble back, trying my best to avoid val's inquisitive eyes. why is my heart beating so fast?

"i promise you now it won't. and whatever it is i have your back completely." she says, rubbing my back, almost tricking me into telling her about the argument. but there's something in me that's just stopping me from saying it. i don't know what it is but, i'm kinda thankful for it.

"i-it...i just can't say it val. not now." i mumble back, still terrified to look at her. i think i'll just try to slowly make eye contact with her. shit, she looks disappointed. great going rosa, your own sister is disappointed in you (!).

"ok rosa. but you'll tell me when you feel comfortable to, ok?" she asks, pulling me into a hug, almost making me tear up....almost. i hate hiding things from her and i hate lying to her but i just can't tell her. it hurts too much to talk about and way too much to admit it to my family. but i have no choice, i have to lie. so i meekly nod in response to her. "you know i love you rosie?" she asks, pulling away from a second, her eyes expressing that she's clearly hurt i haven't been truthful with her.

"of course." i utter in response, trying to keep my head down because i'm starting to feel dizzy.

"then you'll know that there's no world where i don't have your back. whatever happened between you and jobe, i support you a thousand percent. always." she smiles at me, which unfortunately does make me tear up a bit. but i can't let her see that. look down! look down! i swear this is the nicest she's been to me...fuck i think i actually will cry.

"thanks val." i mutter back, hoping and praying my voice doesn't crack. "i love you."

"i love you too rosie-posie." she laughs. there she is again. using that stupid nickname that...that jobe came up with. it's such a dumb nickname, but for a three year old, pretty creative. wait what am i saying? this is jobe bellingham we're talking about. it isn't creative at all!

"stopp!! i thought you said you wouldn't call me that again!" i cry, moving val's face away from mine, and trying to hide how i feel.

"but it's funny!" she giggles back, getting up to leave. "plus it's kinda cute."

"really isn't." i retort, rolling my eyes.

"whatever." val smiles, closing the door on her way out. i wait until she's out of earshot to finally let those tears stream. i hate him. i really do. he's come back into my life and made me relive every memory of that stupid argument. everything he said on that day has haunted me since and i hate that it's rang true. 'you push everyone away rosa, you're doing it to me and you'll do it to everyone else.' his voice echoes in my head. he's right. i've pushed him away, my mum, my sisters....dad. i mean i just did it to val. 'it's what you do. you're so insecure it's embarrassing and it's the reason you push everyone away.' it's like he won't leave my mind, like i can't escape him and his words. and he's right. it is what i do. and if i tell val what happened between me and jobe then i'll be pushing them away from each other. or she'll push me away.

the tears keep streaming down my face, with my breathing starting to get more and more difficult. until i feel like there's a weight on my chest and it won't stop. his words won't stop swirling in my mind and i can't stop them. why
won't they stop. i want them to stop. i can feel my breath get more and more ragged and my heart feels like it's hammering out of my chest. why won't it stop...please stop. 'it's what you do.' keeps going around again and again in my mind and i wish it wouldn't. i wish my tears would stop, i wish i wasn't fucking hyperventilating. i wish my heart would chill the fuck out and i wish he would leave my mind.

it's happening again. fuck it's happening again. i can't calm myself down. i've gotten so dependent on him that i can't. whenever i used to get panic attacks, jobe would be there to calm me down. he was never the cause of them. but now he is and i can't even call him to help calm me down. i hate this. i hate him. i hate him for making me feel this way. and i hate that there's a part of me that wants to call him to help me out.

"rosa?" i can faintly make out a voice, calling out for me but i'm not even sure if i'm making it up. "rosa?!" the voice sounds more panicked now and moves closer to me. "rosa are you ok in there?" the muffled voice continues, and no matter how hard i try to respond all that happens is i continue to take sharp breaths in.

i can faintly hear the door open and whoever's at the door rushes in and holds me. "shhh it's ok rosie, i'm here." they say....i think it's val...i'm not sure. i'm not even sure if i'm dreaming. "i've got you." she whispers, rubbing circles onto my back which helps a bit with the breathing. "take a deep breath in with me?" she asks, demonstrating what i need to do. when i try, it just comes out ragged and choked. "and out." she whispers and i comply.

we continue this for who knows how long until i'm no longer struggling to breathe. and as soon as that happens, val brings me into a tight hug, trying to hide her little sobs. i know it hurt her to see me like that. especially since she hasn't seen me like that in a while, great going rosa, but she wants to appear strong for me. she always has. "i'm sorry." she mumbles into my hair, her voice cracking as she speaks.

"why're you sorry?" i respond, pulling away.

"i shouldn't have asked you about it. if i knew that you'd-that this would've- im sorry rosie." she stutters, wiping her tears, which only hurts more. this is all my fault.

"it's not your fault val. you didn't know. fuck, i didn't even know i'd react like that. and it wasn't cause of anything you said. it was just seeing jobe again reminded me of things i didn't want to remember." i attempt to comfort her, which i think is working cause val's smiling a bit.

"you sure?"

"hundred percent." i mumble back, with val nodding and kissing my forehead.

"ok, i'm gonna let you be. you need anything, just tell me, ok?" she asks but it's more of a demand, i just nod in response. "love you rosa." she smiles, hesitation flashing across her eyes. i can tell she wanted to call me that stupid nickname again but was scared it would've upset me. fuck why did that have to happen? if it didn't, then maybe she would've feel so guilty.

"love you too val."

ᯓᡣ𐭩

a message from becca

so that was a bit of a depressing chapter. sorry about that but at least you guys got more info about rosa and jobe's fight.

this actually hurt to write so i can't even imagine how it is to read but i promise next chapter won't be as bad.

also sorry that i keep updating after months but it's just really hard to find the motivation, but i really want this book to take off so i'll keep powering through for you guys.

anyways i hope you've enjoyed and please PLEASE don't be dry readers, it really doesn't help with motivation. i love you all and take care my loveliessss <3333