xvi. what if ...
9.21

Atlas was born on a rainy day, and he wonders if it would rain on the day he dies.

He wonders late at night if the world would spin and if it would shed tears for him in the form of rain. He's always loved the rain, it's brought him peace in Seattle where he calls home. Where his blood, his husband and kids, his found family all reside. Would the world who knew him cry? Would the ones he saved look up his name and remember how he was a hero in their story? Would Miranda Bailey speak about all the great times they shared? Would he leave something to his favourite intern, another found member of his bring family, Christina Yang? Would his children cry over photographs that blurred in the corners because they laughed and bodies shook as they took the pictures?

Would he have made as much of a difference as he believed he did?

Atlas begs for the door to open. He's been kicked out of the conference room  because of his relations with Doctor Miranda Bailey, whom is being investigated by the CDC. He wants to help, he wants to know what they know, he wants to make sure that if his person goes down, he goes down too because he couldn't do this life without her by his side too. But he needs to know if she's okay, and currently, she's locked in the conference room he can't enter.

He wonders what Miranda Bailey would do if it was him who sat in the chair?

Would she bag on the door and ask to be let in too, only to be ignored? Would she re-read all the charts to find the place everything went wrong? Would she go down fighting for him, or would she let it all unfold in order to keep her own job and reputation safe? Would she feel bad for helping throw him under the bus, or would she know she saved others by a chance?

He wonders if it would be his pregnant sister-in-law who pulls him away from the door in another universe, or if it would be his brother-in-law?

"Atlas?" It's his persons brother, Asher Bailey, whom is wearing a worried look on his face. He's here to fight for his sister, but maybe he pulls Atlas away from the door. Which he does, with gentle fingers he pulls him away from the door and down the hallway. Would it have been different if it wasn't him? What would have happened if he joined in and yelled for his sister too? What if he had been late in his arrival, and it was Richard Webber or worse, Catherine Avery who showed up? "Atlas, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry."

There's rain against the windows as Asher and Atlas walks down the hallway, and the Bailey brother wonders what would have happened if it wasn't warm in the hospital, but cold, like the rain he can't escape?

In a way, it's so cold in the walls of the hospital. The memories that haunt so many; the death and the suffering that never seems to leave, but hides among the scuff marks on the floor. Whose ghost would follow them around in another world? As the two pass Eliza and April, who seem to be in a heated discussion, both wonder what would the world be if it was their ghost who  followed behind? Or what patients follow behind them, the ones who plead for their lives to be brought back, or the ones who praise them for what they had done although the outcome?

Asher wonders if this is what his life will become, the feeling of being followed by the ones he couldn't save — is that really the life he wants to do, because if not should stop his career now?

Atlas shakes his arm out of Asher's grip and turns away to go back, but his brother is standing there, his arms crossed as he leans against the wall. Oliver wonders why fighting for Miranda is so important to him. He wonders why he's so hell bent on being there for her every step of the way. But it clicks slowly, and only ever so slightly, that he would do the same thing if it was his wife standing in that room. Would Meredith do it for him? Would his dead ex-girlfriend do it for him? Would anyone do it for him, or would they say they would and not?

Oliver wonders who really would stand beside him, who found fight for him like he does with them?

Miranda Bailey steps out of the room, tears on her cheeks after being told what she had been. She was responsible for the death of two of her patients, not because she didn't do everything right, but because she carried an infection that had seeped through her gloves and into their bodies. She wonders if she should quit, or how she can move on? She wonders if it would have been different if it was a different doctor? What would have happened if it was her on the table, and someone else was operating and she got the infection? She wonders what other consequences will happen; therapy, meds, a leave of absence?

As everyone lays in bed at night, they question the what ifs. Eliza things about what her life could have been like if her husband didn't die. Atlas wonders what his would look like if he never met his husband. Oliver and Meredith wonder what his would their lives be if they weren't expecting. Bailey wonders how she can move on. Asher wonders if this is the future he wants for himself, or if there's somewhere else he can thrive.

They all wonder what the what ifs of their lives are.

authors note  ══════ ☆
hi! i kinda wanted to do something different to help me get over my little writes block!