lxiv. baseball bat
5.17

"Der?" Atlas hesitantly stepped into the living room with Star on his hip.

Derek was sitting in the couch lazily, his feet were propped up on the coffee table, and on that said table was a large amount of take out. Beside him was stacks of paperwork and forms that had to do with his lawsuit. And in his hands was a box of cereal he was eating, without milk.

It had been a few days since the whole situation had gone down, and Derek didn't leave the living room couch since, not even to get some of Atlas fresh baked cupcakes and cookies.

Starlee babbled and reached out for Derek. Atlas saw the motion and stepped forward. "Der, she wants you."

Derek blankly looked up before he focused back on his box of cereal. The action caused Star to cry and push her head into Atlas neck.

"Do you uh, wanna have a shower?" Atlas asked Derek as he bounced Star. "I can drop Star off with my mom for the day. And maybe me and you could just hangout until you have to go in for the deposition?"

Derek glared up at Atlas. He took that as a no and moved away. "Okay, uh, there's some food in the fridge, cookies on the counter and there's the shampoo you really like by the bathroom sink."

Atlas took one last look at Derek before he walked away and outside the front door.

╚═ ☆ ═╝

Atlas had been avoiding Derek, it wasn't by choice but more of how Derek seemed he didn't want to see Atlas. But now, Atlas didn't feel like he had a choice but to just suck it up and be there for Derek. So that's what he was doing, "How'd it go with the lawyers?" Atlas chirped as he walked into the conference room Derek was in.

Derek looked up at Atlas slowly, "They told me my death rate."

Atlas gave a weak smile.

Derek pointed to the smaller pile, "These are the people I saved." He then pointed to the larger one. "These are the people I killed."

Atlas shifted on his feet. "Okay, well, most of those people were terminal when they came to you. You were their last chance, Der. It would have been you or some other surgeon."

Derek ignored Atlas's words. "So many people — more than dahmer, manson, bundy combined."

"That doesn't mean anything." Atlas shook his head.

"It does." Derek told him. "It means I have — me! Have killed more than all those people. Im a murderer, you heard the ma say it, Atlas."

"Look at the big picture." Atlas started, before he could say anything else Derek stood up.

Derek pointed to pile of papers, the ones that showed who died. "This is the big picture."

Derek walked out of the room with Atlas following behind him.

Richard turned the corner just in time to see Derek walking towards the exit of Seattle Grace. "Oh, Shepherd. Thank god you're back. Can you swing two brain biopsies today?" The chief asked.

Derek kept his head down. "I'm not operating, Richard."

"Look, I know you've got a big lawsuit breathing down your neck, and I know you lost a patient, But I need you back to work doing the job I hired you to do." Richard demand the last part.

"I'm not operating." Derek denied once more.

"I am not asking, I'm telling, as chief surgeon of this hospital, If you don't get back to that OR Today, Shepherd..." Richard trailed off as Derek continued to walk away, not even sparing a glance back at Atlas.

╚═ ☆ ═╝

"Derek!" Atlas called out as he got out of his car and moved towards where Derek was standing with a baseball bat. The neurosurgeon was hitting beer cans into the field in front of him.

"Derek, stop." Derek didn't.

"Stop!" Atlas let out a loud yell. Derek stumbled and looked back towards Atlas.

"You made a mistake, okay? I've made some too and people died." Atlas fiddled with his fingers as Derek only stared. "But I didn't give up. You don't give up."

"I'm done. Just stop, I'm quitting and I'm done." Derek deflated before he bent down and picked up another beer can, he threw it up before he hit it with the baseball bat he held.

"Derek, one bad outcome doesn't define who you are." Atlas sighed and took a slow step forward.

"Just stop Atlas." Derek snapped. "I've cleaned all my clothes out of the closet at your house."

Atlas blinked away the news. "What? Why? Derek..."

"Go home, Atlas. Just go home."

"This isn't who I fell in love with!" Atlas shouted fiercely — he was done. Yes, every surgeon had their lows, but the man who stood drunkenly in front of Atlas was not the man he grew to love, not that man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

"I'm still the same person." Derek grunted as he whipped around to face Atlas. Both men looked tired.

"No." Atlas denied. "Your not. I fell in love with Derek Shepherd, not whoever this is. The Derek I knew wouldn't have ignored his daughter this morning when she wanted him!"

"You know what?!" Derek asked rudely, he held the bat even tighter in his hands, his knuckles turning white. "You don't really know me! This!" He pointed to himself. "This is me!"

Neither of them men said anything as they continued to stare at each other. It wasn't until Atlas looked towards his feet and then back to Derek.

"I love you for you. Not your skills in surgery or the amount of people that survived the surgery's you preformed. And that's why I wanna marry you, spend the rest of my life with you." Atlas furiously whipped his tears. "But Der, you gotta talk to me. You can't just run away and hide here."

Derek looked to the engagement ring on his finger. He slid it off with no effort. "Yeah? You still wanna marry me, huh? Well here's your fucking ring." Derek hit the ring into the field.

Atlas didn't know what to do now. He didn't know what to say. What to try.

"Go home, Atlas." Derek muttered as he turned around to go back into his trailer.

Atlas sniffled and walked back to his car, leaving Derek alone.