𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝
𝐝𝐮𝐞𝐥 𝐩𝐨𝐯

𝑅𝐴𝐹𝐸

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" i hit my steering wheel over and over again as the thought that i just spoken to sloan the way i did comes to my mind. with the whole fight my knuckles busted so there's blood on my hand, maybank fucked up my face a bit. i keep replaying what i said to her "𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑗𝑗 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛 𝑏𝑦 "sloan won't be around""

her face contorted into a look of disappointment, anguish. i can't get the look of her face as i walked away out of my head. i don't even know where i am going. i end up in my driveway, i sit in the car. i sigh trying to take in all that happened tonight, i can feel the tears well up in my eyes. imagine finding someone who took all the pain, all the unnecessary stress, took your breathe away with one look or kiss. in the end you lose them. i am surprised at myself that i got to my house while being tipsy.

once i reach my room i sob feeling everything hit me. anger, pain, anger, pain, a hint of neglect, guilt to the ceiling of my room. seating on my floor my cries are all i can hear. it's almost 3 am so i have to be a quiet.

𝑆𝐿𝑂𝐴𝑁

☹︎ 𝑚𝑦 𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑟𝑦 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑟𝑖𝑚 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑎𝑑𝑣𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒𝑠, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝. 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡 𝑠𝑖𝑥 𝑑𝑎𝑦𝑠, 𝑜𝑛𝑒-ℎ𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑡𝑦-𝑓𝑜𝑢𝑟 ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠. 𝑖 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑛'𝑡 𝑠𝑝𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑟𝑎𝑓𝑒. 𝑚𝑦 𝑡𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑠 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑜𝑙 𝑟𝑒𝑙𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑. 𝑚𝑦 𝑏𝑟𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑚𝑎 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑛𝑜 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑎 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑖 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑘𝑒𝑒𝑝 𝑖𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑦. 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑗𝑗 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑘𝑛𝑒𝑤/𝑣𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑎 𝑏𝑜𝑦 ℎ𝑢𝑟𝑡 𝑚𝑒 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚 𝑠𝑢𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑠𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑠. 𝑖 𝑐𝑟𝑦 𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑎𝑠 𝑖 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠.

i've spent three days listening to music in my headphones, at school he doesn't talk to me. he's barely looked at me. he hasn't since that night, i'm happy to have sarah, kie and max. even kai has taken his time to hang out with me keep me company, making me laugh. cheering me up when i desperately need it.

today though there's this headache i can't shake happening, similar to the ones i had as a child. i'm technically in remission but i always gotta be precautious. simply because i could die anytime, cancer has no age right?.

the bags under my eyes are designer, the lack of sleep i've gotten. like now it's 2 am.

"hey... um i know you don't want to speak to me.... *sniffs* i really miss you. yes the inevitable truth is that i'd die but before that happens my one wish was to whole heartedly love someone. i had a crush on you for a while wanting to have you as my last love" the 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑝 of the voicemail is all i hear. i hang up.

☯︎︎

𝑅𝐴𝐹𝐸

sloan, i miss her. we have not spoken and if i do see her i make a beeline to not be seen. six days i have gone without touching her, kissing her, feeling her next to me.

sarah has talked to me, kept me company when she can, wheezie has too, topper and kelce have occupied my time a lot. bringing me over to play video games after school, doing hot boxes for two days straight. the weed calms me down it also puts my in a dream like state. once i fall asleep i only dream of her. her eyes, her safeness, what she smells like. the reactions her body gives me, that sloan gives me to. smiling in between our kisses, always finding ways to kiss me affectionately. i fucking miss her.

sarah walks into my room "hey bro i am going out are you okay to be here alone"

"i'll be fine sis, have fun, be safe. where's wheezie?"

"she went out with a friend tonight, dad & rose are on their date night" sarah smiles at me before she heads out.

my third movie of the night doesn't finish until 2:30 am. my eyes hang low as the sleep takes over the shower i took at 11 must've did the trick.

falling asleep i smile as sloan's laughing face pulls me deeper into slumber.

☽

𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚞𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚓𝚘𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚞𝚙𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚕𝚢.

   love, sunjewel ☀︎︎