virginia ginny avdotya petrov

all the memories come rushing back. sharp fragments of spilling whiskey on my burgundy dress, foggy whispers of rumors; and i yelled because it stung. all the smiles and carnivals, when i would chew tobacco and then get sick on the ferris wheel.

and everyone was there. steve, getting his ass kicked for being too damn righteous and heroic, even though he couldn't stand a chance. bucky laughing with his arm around some girls, his hat crooked while he charmed them. carrie dragging me through the crowd and sneaking us into restricted areas, a stump of a cigarette hanging on her lip.

and me.

memories i didn't even know i had, and i'm standing right in the center of them, crying over heartbreak, or laughing until my stomach hurt. i was free.

for a little at least.

so i yelled, for the lost rhapsodies that were sung in crappy restaurants. i yelled, for the times we would all sneak into mansions at midnight. and i yelled, for the years that were lost while i was being tortured from the inside. bucky was there the whole time and i couldn't even save him.

i felt rage. for the machines that once were people, now commanded to kill innocents. for the endless needles i could almost feel pricking my skin now, it was so common.

i felt utter sadness. melancholia in its deepest form, a burgundy theatric, of sorts. sadness for that yellow ribbon, and the rooftop adventures where i would hop around on one foot because i sprained my ankle running away. with carrie. it felt like she was always there. even when she wasn't.

i felt deep pain, the kind that hurts so bad mentally it becomes physical and floods everything else out, seeming to envelope everything in its way.

i felt disgust, embarrassment, for everything i had done. all the innocent people that were in the wrong place at the wrong time, slaughtered for their very existence. i wanted to scrape every inch of my skin off, get rid of myself.

and i felt all of these at once. i was broken.

in the back of my mind a slow serenade was playing. it always was. even when my screams should've drowned it out, it was still there, playing in my ears.

and then the music died.